Trust

Through my blog and through loss forums, I have been blessed to have been able to connect with people who are also going through the losses of their precious babies.  I certainly do not rejoice in hearing about the loss of a baby, but talking to these women has made me feel less like an anomaly.  I can only hope that talking to me and reading this blog also helps these girls feel like they are not alone in their grief. Yesterday, one of these girls emailed me with a daily devotional, written from God's perspective, that really hit home with me.  I really needed it today. Thank you, Erica, for sharing this with me:

"Trusting Me is a moment-by-moment choice. My people have not always understood this truth. After I performed miracles in the wilderness, My chosen children trusted Me intensely-but only temporarily. Soon the grumbling began again, testing My patience to the utmost. Isn't it often the same with you? You trust Me when things go well, when you see Me working on your behalf. This type of trust flows readily within you, requiring no exertion of your will. When things go wrong, your trust-flow slows down and solidifies. You are forced to choose between trusting Me intentionally or rebelling, resenting My ways with you. This choice constitutes a fork in the road. Stay on the path of Life with Me, enjoying My Presence. Choose to trust Me in all circumstances."

I find it incredibly hard to trust God right now.  I know I have to, because he has Benjamin Bacon and Conner Chubby-Cheeks in the palms of his hands. But I prayed to him every night to help me get these boys to a safe gestation.  I knew from the start we were at risk for preterm delivery since they were twins.  I trusted. And then God took them at 22.5 weeks.

Still, I tried to trust.  I asked God to help me decide when to try to have another baby.  We had clearance to try a frozen embryo transfer in April.  I signed up.  My body, though, had different ideas.  I was bleeding when I wasn't supposed to. We weren't even near the boys' due date yet. I was still so emotionally wrecked, and my body was telling me it was not ready.  I took this as a sign from God. I cancelled the cycle.  I signed up for May.

I feel ready now.  My body has gained its strength back.  While I am obviously distraught and sad, let's face it - I will never stop feeling horrible over the loss of my sons.  I was looking forward to this May cycle.  It was something to look forward to, this bright light of hope in the middle of complete desperation.

And then I started to have discharge.  I had no idea what it was, so I went in for testing.  My OB called today to say that I tested negative for yeast and bacteria.  That's great news, except that it leaves us with zero clue what this discharge is.  He believes that it is my body just trying to get back to normal.  Hormones can cause all kinds of crazy things.

I called my RE nurse and told her what had happened.  She said yes, it was probably by body trying to normalize itself.  Which means that maybe its a good idea to cancel the May cycle and move it to June.  But it is up to ME to decide... by Monday.

OMG.  Is this ever going to happen?  I was finally ready.  I was looking forward to this.  I had even decided if I had to stay home and skip our vacation to Bermuda to do this May cycle, I would do it.  And now we're talking about canceling again?  I AM READY TO TOUCH THE BUTT!  LET ME TOUCH THE BUTT!

I've lost my babies.  I keep missing these chances to get pregnant again.  And now I have to show God that I trust Him.  This isn't difficult.  This is damn near impossible.  But this devotional really speaks to me.  I trusted Him when times were good.  I need to trust Him when times are bad.  I just wish I knew WHAT WAS GOING ON.  I mean, c'mon, God.  Give me a hint.  The anticipation of what is to come is destroying any chance of a positive outlook from my perspective.

I hope you're right, Isaiah.