34 weeks (and some Conner and Ben bonuses!)

Before we get into the 34 week post for Baby C, I have to start with my baby boys.  Their balloons from their birthday were starting to deflate, so I sadly took some of them down (with the exception of their two minion balloons, which are still hanging around).  I was feeling really guilty.  I knew that soon this house would be filled with their baby sister's stuff in every corner, and here I was taking down their balloons.  But then I got this in the mail from my dear friend Cat:

The side says "Love you to the moon and back"

I have so many jewelry pieces that relate to my boys now - and I LOVE IT!!!  Every piece of jewelry I put on daily is for them.  Cat wrote a sweet note saying that when she saw the necklace, it was like the boys were telling her to buy this for their mama - and so the necklace is really from them. And seriously, the timing was perfect. 

My friend Kate also got us a beautiful suncatcher for their birthday:

Every try to take a picture of a suncatcher before? Pretty impossible. Apologies for the not so great quality of the picture. 

It makes me so happy when people incorporate the moon in things that they give me for the boys.  I will never be able to look at the moon without thinking of them. I'm going to find a place in the nursery or our living room to hang this up!

Aaaannnddd....

"Handpicked for earth by my siblings Conner & Benjamin in Heaven"

The most adorable onesie EVER from Kate. You can bet I'm scheduling a baby photo session when she's big enough to wear this. It might be the best thing she will ever wear, just because Conner and Ben's names are on it!

Ok, back to regulary scheduled programming. 

How far along? 34 weeks!  Rumor on the street is that this is such a good gestation, if I went into labor this week they wouldn't even try to stop it.
What's happening with  baby? Baby C should weigh over 4.5 pounds and should be around 18 inches long. She's getting fatter (so. cute.) and her central nervous system and lungs are maturing. She is also finally letting daddy watch her move!
Total weight gain: Let's not talk about the 2.5 pounds I put on this week.
Maternity clothes?  Yep, and definitely wearing oversized shirts - wearing one of Tim's shirts right now.
Stretch marks? Nope!  But my tummy is defnitely splotchy and itchy.
Sleep: Same old, same old. Get up all night to pee, wake up around 3 am and stay up until about 5 am, fall asleep again until 8 am.
Miss Anything? Being able to roll out of bed without the assistance of my husband.
Difficulties this week: WHAT IS HER NAME?!  I can't decide... I want to incorporate Conner and Ben somehow in her middle name (and I have a few ideas), but at the same time, I want her to have her own identity.
Movement: All the time.  I can't even feel her sometimes.  On Monday's bio, we tried to get a 3d shot of her. Right when we go to snap the picture, she turns so we can only see the back of her head.  I didn't even feel it. This was also the first week in awhile that her hands weren't in front of her face, so I'm pretty bummed we couldn't get a shot of her!  Her daddy really wants to see her - he can't come to all the ultrasounds that I go to.
Food cravings/aversions:  MEAT. Also, now that I can eat dairy again I'm eating a ton of it!
Symptoms: Welp, my boobs have gone all National Geographic, and now when I sit down and lean over, my boobs rest on my very pregnant tummy.  While I thought this was hilarious last night, Tim couldn't even look me in the eye hahaahahahahaha. Also, my face is starting to swell. Doesn't stop me from eating everything in sight, though.
Looking forward to: Maternity pictures on Sunday :) Unfortunately, all the snow has melted so I think we are heading to Chicago to get some city shots.

Right before her big ol' turn 

32 weeks - BIG UPDATE ON BABY C (edited)

Just call me Goodyear

How far along? 32 weeks!  If baby C comes today, her chances of having a brain bleed (which is common in preemies) is drastically reduced.
What's happening with  baby? Baby should be almost 4 pounds.... should be.
Total weight gain: I'd weigh myself but the scale is allll the way upstaaaaaaairs sooo... no.
Maternity clothes?  Shirts for sure. Yoga pants are still awesome but my nurse gave me her old maternity jeans and they are amazing :)
Stretch marks? Nope but still watching for them... also watching for my belly button to pop, which should happen any second now. Seriously. One more dinner and I think I'll have an outie (update: had dinner, still an innie).
Sleep: You know the term "slept like a baby?"  Really, that term should mean that YOU DON'T SLEEP.  Anyway, that's what I've been doing - sleeping like a baby. Up every two hours to pee. I asked my husband if he would help clean me up if I pee the bed, because I've almost done it about ten times now.  He said yes. What a guy.
Miss Anything? Breathing like a normal human being.

Difficulties this week: It's Conner and Benjamin's birthday week.  It's in two days.  I am dedicated to my little girl, but you can imagine how focused I am on the boys right now.

In Baby C news, she had a growth scan today.  She has dropped drastically in size.  My doctors thought originally that this might just be genetic, but every time she is measured, her rate of growth decreases.  This signals that something is wrong, probably with her placenta. It could be aging prematurely, and we don't know when it will decide to stop working. She definitely has IUGR. My OB called the MFM today for a consult, and they have decided that they are going to monitor her three times a week now instead of twice.  In addition, she will have another growth scan in three weeks (January 29th ish).  At that time, my OB and MFM will decide when to deliver her.  We could deliver as early as 35 weeks, or as late as 39 weeks.  Of course, I hope it is 39 weeks.  However, it may be safer for baby girl to be on the outside than on the inside right now.  She needs nourishment to grow, and she is not getting enough from my crappy placenta.  What I fear is, although 35-39 weeks is good (great?) gestation, she will be small - so she will have more problems that the average NICU baby at her age.  She'll have more trouble regulating her body temperature, etc.  And they won't let her go home until she reaches a goal weight.  I'll probably deliver her, and they'll take her straight to the NICU. I fear I won't even get to hold her right away.  

Movement: Ohhhh yeaaaaaah.  As I'm typing, she's kicking me right under the boobs.  How the heck did you get up there, little girl?
Food cravings/aversions: DID YOU KNOW THEY STILL MAKE KOALA YUMMIES?!  But they are found in the asian grocery stores lol.  My friends got me some and I am super excited.
Symptoms: Swelling is not as bad as it has been (thanks to me constantly cleaning the house, my circulation has never been better).  But I am tired all the time - I need like, two naps a day and I sleep in as long as I can now.
Looking forward to: Baby girl's last piece of furniture coming in on Tuesday!  Finally!  Nursery can start getting really organized now... maybe... I'm really procrasinating on this one.

HOLY SNOWMANBALLS, 30 WEEKS

How far along? THIRTY WEEKS!!! MY ORIGINAL GOAL!!!  We are here and Baby C has been active ALL DAY LONG.  I can't believe I woke up on Christmas morning, still pregnant.  Thank you, God.  Thank you, Conner and Benjamin.  I know baby girl's brothers are watching out for her.
What's happening with  baby? Baby is about the size of cabbage - almost 3 pounds and 15.7 inches long. She can sense light, and I'm beginning to realize that she prefers the dark.  If I lift up my shirt to watch her move, she stops. She has the hiccups everyday!
Total weight gain: 15 pounds, all in my belly, boobs, and very swollen legs.
Maternity clothes?  Yes and no.  I'm wearing yoga pants and a reguar stretchy shirt in this picture. Some maternity clothes fit me, but loosely.
Stretch marks? Nope!  I'm starting to think I'll be one of the lucky few!
Sleep: No need for naps anymore, but I am sleeping later into the morning.
Miss Anything? These two boys, on Christmas
Difficulties this week:  Let's just say - thank you God that the holidays are over (although... should I be thanking Him for that?)
Movement: She's a pro.  I think she will be one of those kids we need to put on a leash (er, baby harness).
Food cravings/aversions:  I don't crave sugar as much anymore - now all I want is MEAT!!! Bacon, please. All of it.
Symptoms: Legs are SO swollen. I barely recognize them. My rings are starting to get tight too! On the plus side, my boobs look phenomenal.
Looking forward to: Meeting this baby girl -

29 weeks

First, thank you to everyone who submitted their information to participate in Conner and Benjamin's RAOK for their birthday!  I am so humbled and so blessed to have such support from so many people - so many of you have given me strength this past year, and from the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you, thank you.

If you tried submitting your  information via the contact form at the bottom of the blog, I just realized that it may or may not have worked. I apologized. You can leave your email in a comment and just indicate if you would like me to delete the comment as soon as I write down your email address.

I will be sending out the cards sometime next week - I am still waiting on people whose information is trickling in slowly.  That way, I can send out the cards all at once. If anyone still would like to participate, let me know :)

Kate, a fellow blogger and the HUGEST SWEETHEART, sent me this necklace for Conner and Ben's birthday. As you can imagine, I love everything about this - anything that reminds me of my boys is so special to me, and this even more so because it came from someone who has not only had a loss herself, but grew to know Conner and Ben through this blog. Thank you, Kate.  I can't even begin to tell you how happy this makes me!

In other news, Baby C is 29 weeks today!

I am obviously running out of wardrobe choices. But I'm getting ready for some NST time so I figured, welp, might as well be comfortable!

How far along? 29 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Baby weights about 2.5 pounds and is about 15 inches long (about the size of a butternut squash).  She is beginning to regulate her temperature and her bone marrow is in charge of producing her own blood cells!  She's also peeing quite a bit... and then swallowing it. Luckily, its just amniotic fluid :)
Total weight gain: 14 pounds
Maternity clothes?  Nope not really. Yoga pants are still my go-to! I'm not sure if I'll ever really wear maternity shirts - its hoodie season and they work perfect!
Stretch marks? Nada
Sleep: I'm peeing less in the middle of the night (*knock on wood) and I lost the extra sleep I've been getting because of it!
Miss Anything?  Being able to roll out of bed easily - Baby C is now in the way when I try to get out of bed, crouch down to pet Miranda, etc. Tim has to give me a hand sometimes - I laugh everytime he does. I have a feeling I won't be able to do certain things soon!
Difficulties this week:  Still wrapping my head around IUGR and the possibility that Baby C may be stillborn. But I'm on the monitor as I type this and I can hear her heartbeat and feel her moving away!
Movement: She is, as the nurse commented the other day, a mover and a shaker.
Food cravings/aversions:  Dare I say the dairy aversion is gone for good? The other day, Tim bought like, 10 boxes of fruit snacks.  Guess who is eating them 7 times a day.
Symptoms: Woke up this morning to swelling in my hands. Hooray for my sausage fingers.
Looking forward to: Getting to my original goal of 30 weeks next week! It seems like such a big number.

11 months. 28 weeks. Christmas. Big update on Baby C.

Yesterday, Conner and Ben had their 11 month birthday in heaven.  I cannot believe it has been 11 months.  Now that we are past this milestone, we are heading into their first birthday.  My mind still cannot wrap around the fact that they have been gone for so long.  It feels like just a few weeks ago that we were saying hello to them, and then saying goodbye.  You would think that losing them would get easier with time - but it doesn't. It gets worse. I'm beginning to forget what their baby lotion smelled like, what it felt like to kiss their little heads, the grasp of their fingers. Please God, do not let me forget these precious moments with my sons.

Just this week, I was thinking that our boys have not given us any signs from heaven lately.  We have been finding dimes every once in awhile in places that they shouldn't be, but that is about it.  I was thinking that it would be wonderful to get a big sign from them like when the smoke detector went off in their nursery, reminding me to put their urn in a fireproof box before we went on vacation.

So imagine my joy on their 11th birthday when Tim went to the FD and found these two dimes in front of his locker:

and then even more so, when I opened the door to our master bedroom and our smoke detector went off, signaling smoke that did not exist.  I have to admit, I was scared at first.  But then I was so happy that my boys read my mind - like, ok mom, you want another smoke detector to go off?  Here you go!

This morning, I dropped off donations at the hospital Conner and Benjamin were born at.  We are so blessed to have had an excellent nursing team with us during our stay there.  We also had numerous doctors who did everything they could to prevent the boys being born before 24 weeks, and then when that failed, they did everything they could to do right by the boys and by us.  My sister-in-law, Tim, and I bought preemie clothing for the NICU and bought "Conner giraffes" and "Benjamin puppies" for the Children's hospital.  When I went to drop off the box of donations, I made sure to tell the nurse that the giraffes and puppies were the same ones that we gave our babies in the hospital. We cannot get them many things for Christmas, nor can we celebrate with them the way that we could have had they been brought home. But I am determined to do good in their name, and I hope that every year we can donate to the hospital in their memory.

We donated two of Ben's puppies, two of Conner's giraffes, and two different puppies and two different giraffes

Ben's puppies

Conner's giraffes

On each stuffed animal, I sewed on a blue taggie with stars and moons. I love you to the moon and back, baby boys. 

Preemie clothes given to the NICU

Today also marks 28 weeks for their little sister. As our time without our boys grows longer, our time to meet our little girl grows near. I know it will be a difficult journey to be a mother to angel babies and a mother to living children, but I think that Conner and Benjamin will slowly show me how to do it.

Bonus: FD Christmas party bump!

How far along? 28 weeks.  If she were born today, she would have over a 90% chance of survival.
What's happening with  baby? Baby C is about 2 pounds, 4 ounces (per her ultrasound today) and is almost 15 inches long (estimate from Baby Center).  Her brain is starting to develop folds and is gaining weight quickly. She can dream!
Total weight gain: 13 pounds, although I ate my feelings today so probably more like 15 after dinner
Maternity clothes?  Not really.  I have a pair of maternity leggings that I wear, but they are still big! Luckily, I found a "new" pair of (non-maternity) yoga pants in the back of my closet that I must have bought when I was pregnant with the boys.  They fit perfect and give my belly lots of support!
Stretch marks? Surprisingly no.
Sleep: Up all night to pee, and tired all day (and still peeing)
Miss Anything?  I gave Tim my delivery day wish list last night: sushi, grilled cheese with bacon, California club from Jimmy Johns, and eggs benedict.

Difficulties this week: 

Well, today was the 28 week growth scan.  I admit, I went in optimistic that her head had caught up to the rest of her body.

I could not be more wrong. 

Baby C's head circumference went from the 11th percentile down to the 4th percentile this week.  Her BPD (Biparietal Diameter) improved slightly, from the 4th percentile to the 5th percentile.  But her abdomen was the big news - it went from the 33rd percentile to the 10th percentile.  Baby C now qualifies as having IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction).  This usually happens when the placenta does not implant properly.  Shitty luck, again.

So, the chances of Baby C being a stillborn are increased.  In an effort to catch any problems before something horrible happens, I am being monitored twice a week for NSTs and Biophysical profiles.  If the baby does not perform well on the twice weekly monitoring, she will be delivered early in an effort to save her. 

The good news? She rocked her NST today.  Her baseline HB is 150.  They look for her HB to raise to at least 160 every time she moves, and they want her to do that at least twice while I am being monitored.  She was monitored for about 15 minutes and she moved and her HB raised over FIFTY times.  The nurses kept walking in asking who was making all that noise!  Just this little bundle of energy over here!  

If she continues to do well on her monitoring, we won't have to deliver early.  Maybe she is just small.  But every week she keeps getting smaller and smaller (percentile-wise), and that is raising many red flags.  

Baby girl, hang in there. 


Movement: All the time for me!  Not really for Tim. Poor guy. Everytime he goes to feel her, she freezes.
Food cravings/aversions:  Eat all the sugar! And all the food in general.
Symptoms: Swelling.  Also, yesterday I almost passed out from being dizzy.  Luckily my home health care nurse was there.  I think I was just pushing myself too hard to get stuff done around the house and my body was trying to get me to settle down. I'm also now borderline anemic - they look for levels to be above 10.5 and I am at a 10.8, so onto iron supplements I go!
Looking forward to: My original goal was to still be pregnant on Christmas, which would be 30 weeks.  The more I think about it, my goal is really to get to February 1st (and beyond).  C'mon, February!

Little Munchkin

Weekend Review and update at OB: picture review

Thanksgiving
Food. Family. Not much to share... missed the boys this year.  Read them a Thanksgiving book.  I am most thankful for them. Two pictures sum up our night:

Movember is over, mustache is gone!

Yep.  

Nursery
There is a dresser in baby girl's room now.  Unbelievable.  How have we gotten this far?

Now all we need to do is put the crib together... and wait for the other dresser and the hutch that are on backorder.  Oh yeah, and put a baby in the room. 

Miranda knows she isn't allowed in the nursery, so she pushes her limits by putting two paws in.  

Christmas decorations
Christmas threw up in our house this weekend.

You can't see it, but the star says: Conner and Ben's first Christmas

Two blue owls for the boys and three reindeir for all our babies are among the newbies on our tree. Also, turns out our tree is bigger than we thought - it barely fits in that corner!

No mantle, so they are on the ceiling.  Baby C's stocking is inside mine until next year :) 

OB UPDATE
Good news: Cervix is holding steady and actually gained 2mm since Wednesday.  OB does not think this is incompetent cervix - rather, since I'm nearing the third trimester (whoa), my cervix is naturally starting to wear a bit.  Baby girl is doing well, and we have our next appointment next Thursday for her third growth scan.  OB also told me that he just saw a mother who is 6 weeks post-partum today. Her baby's head was measuring in the third percentile (Baby C is currently in the fourth).  But, now her baby is 6 weeks old and her baby's head is in the 36th percentile.  OB said it was not unusual for a baby's growth to catch up very quickly once they are born.  That gives me a lot of hope!

Hi all! 

The Sacred Project

Over the summer, I participated in The Sacred Project.  497 baby loss mothers were chosen to share their pictures of their most sacred space: It is a short film that will be available online tonight at http://thesacredproject.com/. I have not seen it yet, so I do not know what to expect.  If you would like, please stop by the website to view it! 

Breaking radio silence: 26 weeks. Happy Thanksgiving!

Where have I been? Um, nowhere. At home. In my jammies. I've just seriously been busy being the most boring person on earth, so no updates... until today!

We painted the nursery... twice.  And by we, I mean my dad... and then some hired professionals. Long story short, we ended up painting it slightly darker because the first paint colors we chose made me want to vomit (literally - bright colors make my head hurt). Whoopsies.  Never trust me to pick out paint colors.  This always happens. Hundreds of dollars later, it is close to the color that I wanted. Luckily my husband has the patience (and the pockets) to put up with a crazy pregnant woman who cannot make up her mind.

Baby C - bump pictures in the newly painted nursery!  Please ignore the outlet - we are going to replace them.

I went to upload my picture of Conner and Ben at 26 weeks as a comparison... and it took me awhile to realize that I couldn't do that. So here is my picture with the boys the week of Thanksgiving last year. You can see all of Conner and Ben's bump pictures here.

And as a bonus - Tim's 26 week picture. He made sure to tell me that if I used this in my blog, I had to mention that he was purposefuly sticking his stomach out.  He's wearing work clothes to put up the crown molding in the nursery today :)

How far along? 26 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Baby girl can hear much better now, so I should probably knock off the cursing.  She is inhaling and exhaling amnionitic fluid and is growing rapidly - maybe over 1.5 pounds now and 14 inches.
Total weight gain: Up 10... although today is Thanksgiving so I'm sure that number will be much higher tonight.
Maternity clothes?  Surprisingly no.  I even found some size 1 jeans that still fit - granted, they are unzipped and I have to wear a belly band, but hell yeah!
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: None.  I wake up constantly to pee and around 3 or 4 am I usually am up for the day.  I guess Baby C is prepping me for what is to come :)
Miss Anything?  Missing my boys today.  I am most thankful for them.  I probably would have dressed them up as turkeys today.  I would have been that mom.
Best moment this week: Yesterday's ultrasound showed my baby girl puckering up - probably swallowing amniotic fluid, but it looked like she was blowing kisses.  OHMYBANANAS it was adorable.
Difficulties this week:  Well, my worst fears may be kicking me in the ass as of yesterday - my cervix is weakening.  Yesterday, my cervical length showed a 10mm drop (which is HUGE in 6 days).  My OB gave me emergency medication to take at home to stop contractions if I have them. I'm also on some restricted activity.  I go back to the OB on Monday for a repeat cervical check.  I am terrified that any day now, I will go into labor or my cervix will just give without contrations (incompentent cervix).  Baby girl only has a 70% chance of survival this early and the chances of long term issues are very high if she does survive.  I think it's fair to say that I am freaking. the. fuck. out.
Movement: You can see her going from a mile away!
Food cravings/aversions:  I hate almond milk, but I have to drink it since this dairy aversion is back with avengence.
Symptoms: Swelling. Peeing. Growing.
Looking forward to: Christmas.  If I can make it to Christmas, I'll be 30 weeks pregnant.  That is a HUGE milestone!  I'll start to relax if I'm still carrying this bundle on December 25th (and by relax, I mean be slightly less  - like 2% less - worried). At the same time, though, I am dreading Christmas without Conner and Benjamin.  Tim is also at the fire department on Christmas. It will be a bittersweet day.

Look at my little turkey nugget. 

24 weeks and reflections on what 10 days means

Conner and Benjamin were born at 22 weeks, 4 days.  We were 10 days away from reaching the magical 24 weeks.  At the time of their birth, their chances of survival were 1%.  Today, their baby sister is just 10 days older than they were when they were born.  And yet, her chances of survival are 50%. It's the tipping point of life and death. If Conner and Ben had been born 10 days later, the nurses and doctors would not have been asking me if I wanted them intubated, or what kind of interventions I wanted them to take.  They would have taken them as soon as they were born and tried to save their lives.  Without asking.  Because they would have been that magical age of 24 weeks.

That is not to say that survival = quality of life.  I know if we had asked for our boys to be intubated at 22 weeks and 4 days, they most likely would been tortured before they died.  Had they survived, their quality of life would have been close to zero.  They probably would not have been able to read, speak, walk, talk, feed themselves... the list goes on.  At 24 weeks, Baby C has a slim chance of coming home without long term developmental and health issues.  Like I said, we still have along way to go.

But still, what a joke.  Ten fucking days?  Ten days and my boys woud have had a chance. I think of all the days of my life that I have wasted.  Now I realize what a big difference mere days make.

I have to remind myself, though, that having Chorioamnionitis made them sick.  Making it to 24 weeks may not have meant anything.  I had to let them go. It doesn't mean that I don't wonder what could have been.  Conner and Benjamin were big enough to be intubated, and no one thought they would be.  They lived for hours without any oxygen intervention.  They were (are) strong boys.

My sister-in-law reminded me the other day that being in heaven is not a punishment.  I have to keep telling myself that.

While I'm feeling so incredibly upset about not having my sons here, I have to be grateful that we are here at 24 weeks with Baby C.  She has been tumbling around, probably taking advantage of the fact that her big brothers made so much room for her to grow in my uterus.  We've come to realize that she loves story time to her brothers at night - she's the most active when we read.

How far along?  24 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Is apparently just over a pound now (although Conner and Ben reached that milestone earlier).  She is over a foot long and her lungs are developing :)
Total weight gain: Well, my scale says I gained one pound this week.  The doctor's scale says I gained a whopping three pounds.  Yeesh.
Maternity clothes?  I'm giving in and buying something this weekend.  It's time, Krystal, it's time.
Stretch marks? No, but my belly is itchy.... uh oh?
Sleep: Not. Good.  Last night I stayed up untl 2:30 am just thinking about how the boys' first birthday was around the corner.  I also got up to pee about 27 times.
Miss Anything?  being able to wear socks without my calves swelling!
Best moment this week: Waking up today, still pregnant
Difficulties this week:  Today was Baby C's follow up growth scan.  If you remember from her 20 week A/S, her head was measuring in the 10th percentile.  Now her head width is in the 4th percentile.  It might be genetics.. it might not.  I'm not sure what to think.  We will repeat the growth scan in three weeks, and at 28 weeks we will begin monitoring her twice weekly to make sure that she is getting nutrients and oxygen from the placenta. If this is the case... we are looking at emergency delivery. I almost broke down right there in the doctor's office.
Movement: Acrobratics up in here!
Food cravings/aversions:  We had pancakes for dinner last night. PANCAKES.
Symptoms: Oh you know, just the ever expanding belly.
Looking forward to: We were going to go baby shopping Saturday.  Now I don't know if I feel up to it.. I just wish I knew her head was okay :(

She was waving at us today :)

23 weeks

How far along?  23 weeks.  Thank you all for your support in getting me through last week.  It means so much to me that people care so much.
What's happening with  baby? Baby girl's sense of movement is developed. She is about the size of a mango (which I've been having for breakfast this week). She can hear well, which means that I need to knock off the dirty words.
Total weight gain: +1 from last week, for a total of 6
Maternity clothes?  Nope. I've come to the point now where I'm refusing to buy them because it's hoodie season, and hey, that works.
Stretch marks? Nope. Please stay that way.
Sleep: I usually wake up now around 3 or 4 am and can't go back to sleep.  Yay?  Maybe I should take advantage and just start my day that early and get a ton of stuff done!
Miss Anything?  Eggs over easy.  Soft serve ice cream. Sushi.
Best moment this week: We made it past 22 weeks. Only 1 week to viability.
Difficulties this week:  I thought it would be easier once we got past 22 weeks and 4 days.  But now everything is bittersweet.  She will be doing things that Conner and Ben never got to do.  I never got enough time with my boys.
Movement: Still a pro
Food cravings/aversions:  Dairy aversion is starting to subside. I'm eating everything in sight. Last night, we made porkchops for dinner with rice and veggies.  Then two hours later, we went out to eat second dinner.  I had chicken pot pie and a piece of french silk pie.  And I could have eaten more, too.
Symptoms: Swelling and acne is back. But other than that, I feel pretty good.
Looking forward to: My dad is painting her nursery in a couple of weeks.  I have reservations about this, though.  I sat in the boys' room and looked around and realized I'd have to take the puppies off their walls.  I'm thinking of taking them down and making a scrapbook of them so we still have them. Tim reminded me that there can be puppies on beaches, so I plan to keep two puppies on the wall with Conner and Ben's dresser.  It's their room, too.

We finally got 3d pictures of this little girl during the OB appointment today.  Her hands were still in front of her face (like Ben), but she moved around enough for us to get a good look at her.  I think she looks like Conner!  Which means she looks like me. I'm not going to post the pictures here, though - most of you know the 3d pictures sometimes turn out super creepy and we haven't showed our family yet, either. But baby girl is doing well and we are going to pick up paint samples for her room/the boys' nursery today.  Hopefully I'll be posting her upate next week - viability!  Also, if anyone has a suggestion on what else to call "viability" - I'm all ears.  I hate that word.  "I have a viable business plan" - not "I have a viable baby."

THE 22 weeks

Is it me, or is my bump shrinking?

How far along? 22 weeks, the same week that I lost my baby Conner and my baby Ben.  I did not, like I usually do on Thursdays, wish this baby a happy 22 weeks.

What's happening with  baby?  I didn't anticipate how difficult this question would be. I realize now that I am going to be writing the last things that Conner and Ben were able to do in the womb. Lips, eyebrows, and eyelids are more distinct (and Conner had my eyelashes and Ben luckily had his father's). She is 11 inches, almost one pound.  She is covered in fine hair and taste buds are forming. She can feel touch.  I wonder if Conner and Ben realized it was me who was kissing their tiny foreheads. 

Total weight gain: I usually try to go off my scale, because I wear the same thing everytime I step on it, making my weight more reliable than the OB's scale.  My scale says I've only gained 5 pounds. For the first time ever, my OB's scale said the same thing - up five pounds.  Not much, but I'm sure that will change. I think I've lost weight since last week. 

Maternity clothes?  No, but my amazing husband did buy me maternity compression tights since edema has already started :(

Stretch marks? Nope.

Sleep: Insomnia.  I can't explain why - anxiety, missing the boys, dreading the next day and everything that has to be done... not sure.  It could also be because I am peeing ALL THE TIME. 

Miss Anything?  My baby boys, always. More so this week, if that is possible. 

Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: This will be the last week I can answer this question.  Had I know how difficult and heartbreaking this would be for me, I would have never included this question in the first place.  But here it goes: baby girl is not up on my lungs yet, so I can breathe.  I have edema, which I didn't have with the boys (until I was in labor).  My skin is clearing up. I can definitely tell now that I was indeed bigger with the boys.  At first, my baby bump was right on par with the boys at the same gestational age and I was freaking out about being huge. The bump growth has slowed, where at this point with the boys I was growing rapidly. 

Best moment this week: This is going to sound weird, but the fact that yet again we couldn't get a 3d picture made me a little proud. She has her hands up in the air like a boxer. Then, when the nurse went to find her heartbeat via ultrasond, she couldn't find it for a few minutes because this little baby kept on moving. We found her heartbeat for a split second high up by my belly button, then it disappeared.  We found it a minute later by my hip bone, then we lost it again.  She's an acrobat. 

Difficulties this week:  Last night, I couldn't sleep.  I've been battling insomnia lately.  I thought about how Benjamin and Conner would miss their first Christmas this year, and cried.  I looked at their pictures on my phone, and I cried.  I memorized their faces for the millionth time, and cried. 

Movement:  Still kicking and rolling and punching like a pro. 

Food cravings/aversions:  I KNEW I shouldn't have bought Halloween candy before Halloween!  I've been slowly eating it all...

Symptoms: Swelling.  Oh, the swelling.  It's so early!  Right now, I can only fit into my yoga pants because my calves are so swollen (and my thighs a bit, too).  I really hope it doesn't get much worse! 

Looking forward to: Hopefully, a big shopping spree for baby girl when we reach 24 weeks. Tim is also buying crown molding for the nursery this weekend. I have mixed emotions about that.  I am excited for her nursery, but so sad to change what we have up for the boys.  We will be incorporating their things in her nursery though, and I'll post that in her nursery reveal.

"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying ayo..."

The Capture Your Grief challenge is coming to an end. As I said in an earlier post, I stopped doing the challenge and got back to writing letters to my baby boys instead - writing to them is more therapuetic to me than anything else, and I think that is the point of the challenge anyway.  Hopefully this letter will help me get back to writing to them on a regular basis.

Dear baby boys, 

I am 22 weeks pregnant with your sister. Twenty-two weeks. It's so hard to believe that she is as big as you boys were when you were born.  I keep thinking of her as this little tiny baby, but really, she is big enough to cradle and hold in my arms. 

Everyday, I think of what it was like to hold you.  I was in awe of how perfectly you fit in my arms and how heavy you were.  I didn't expect to have so much weight in my arms, and I am so grateful that I had the chance to feel that. I hope I never forget those moments. 

At 22 weeks and 1 day, I went into labor with you.  At 22 weeks and 4 days, I gave birth to you.  This week is traumatic for me, but a very supportive blog reader once commented and told me that your little sister will do great with both of her brothers holding onto each of her hands.  I imagine that all the time now.  I don't want you to ever think you will be replaced.  Everytime I look at her, I will think of you both. 

Tomorrow is Halloween.  When I was pregnant with you, I thought it would be funny for all of us to dress up as breakfast foods.  Your daddy and I LOVE getting breakfast on Sundays, and it has become a kind of tradition.  I was going to make your daddy go as sausage because he would really kind of look like poop.  I'm not sure what you two would have been, but I'm guessing one of you would have been orange juice. 

I know this week is going to be incredibly hard to get through as we reach milestones with your sister that were our last with you, and then when we reach milestones with her that we never got with you. But I realize that my whole life will be like that from now on.  I am not okay with that.  I am not okay with the fact that I can only imagine what you boys would be like today... tomorrow... your first day of school.... your wedding day.  The only comfort I have, if any, is that you are happy in heaven and that someday, I will feel the weight of my little boys in my arms again. 

Love you to the moon and back,

Mom

21 weeks and I am freaking. out.

Loose fit pants feel so. damn. good. 

How far along? 21 weeks
What's happening with  baby?  Baby girl is about 10.5 inches long and is about the size of a carrot.  Hair is beginning to form, baby is digesting amniotic fluid, and bone marrow is making blood cells.
Total weight gain: Depends.. my scale says I've gained 6 pounds total.  I have no idea what is going on at my doctors office, because I dont remember what my initial weight was on their scale.  I think their scale says I gained a couple pounds more - so maybe 8.
Maternity clothes?  Surprisingly, no.  But I need to get on that soon so I don't stretch out my pre-pregnancy clothes!
Stretch marks? Nada
Sleep: Baby girl likes to keep me awake by playing Dance Dance Revolution.
Miss Anything?  Tequila.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: Baby C is head down now, much like Baby B (Ben).  I think she is more active than the boys were, but it could be my mind playing tricks on me.
Best moment this week:  Seeing baby girl in 3d!  Well, kinda.  Ultrasound tech switched to 3d and baby C had her arm in front of her face, so we didn't get a good look.  Maybe next week?
Difficulties this week:  We are quickly approaching the 22.5 week mark when I gave birth to Conner and Benjamin.  I didn't anticipate that it would be this difficult.  Suddenly, everything I'm feeling feels like I could go into labor at any minute.  I stay up at night, thinking I'll miss contractions.  I google everything.  I am constantly trying to get her moving on video, so that I can have these precious moments saved just in case I lose her, too.
Movement:  We need to sign her up for a LOT of sports.
Food cravings/aversions:  Threw up pizza on Tuesday.  Turns out, my lactose intolerance is here to stay for this pregnancy.
Symptoms: See above.  No more dairy for this mama until baby girl is born.  I already have a list of foods I would like immediately delivered to my room after I give birth.
Looking forward to: Getting past 22 weeks.  If I can.

They grow up so fast, don't they? 

As for my Capture Your Grief catch-up (days 20-23), I'm cheating a little bit.  Well, not really.  Part of the challenge is that there are no rules - you don't have to participate every day. The other day, I realized how limited I was when someone gave me a topic to write about.  Sometimes my mind just keep running with thoughts about my boys and those are the thoughts - the free ones - that affect me the most in terms of my "healing" process.

I opened the door to their nursery and took the time to look around, much like I always do.  Like many times before, I stared at the wide open space on their nursery floor.  In my head, two little boys were learning how to sit up.  They were laughing at each other and trying to reach out to touch each other, excited by the fact that they could sit unassisted.  They tried to talk to each other, but instead only baby bubbles came out.  They were happy in this simplicity.

I do the same thing when my husband and I sit in our family room in the evening, channel surfing.  I stare at the open floor by the bookcase, near the stairs.  I imagine two little boys, sometimes in their bouncers, sometimes in walkers, sometimes sitting up.  I imagine them trying to walk.  No matter what the scenario, they are always laughing -with each other and at each other. They try to take toys away from each other.  They giggle when they are successful.  One cries and the other looks at his brother curiously.  What's wrong, brother?  Here, take my pacifier.

Every time I do this - at least a few times a week, sometimes daily - I have to hold back tears.  I can barely even write all of this down without wanting to cry. Today someone congratulated me on our baby girl and told me "everything happens for a reason."  Let's get one thing straight.  My boys did not die for this.  There was no good reason for them to go so soon.  People think well, you wouldn't be having her unless you lost them.  Well, who says?  Why couldn't I have had all three?  All of a sudden, everyone is God's secretary and they know what He is up to.

I love my baby girl.  I love my baby boys.  I hope she comes home with us, but if she does, it won't make everything okay again.  My life may be happy, but my life will never be full.

20 weeks: Anatomy Scan

I'm just now realizing I'm wearing the exact same thing as last week. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man. Mama needs some new clothes. Notice my shirt riding up?  Only my belly band is hiding that belly now!

How far along? 20 weeks
What's happening with  baby?  Baby is about 10.5 ounces (although I'm convinced this little girl weighs more).  She is about 10 inches long, about the size of a banana.  Baby girl is producing meconium.
Total weight gain: I think two pounds this week. The nurse forgot to weigh me, and I wasn't about to remind her!
Maternity clothes?  Nope!  I'm kind of surprised.  And yesterday we went out and people said they couldnt really notice I was pregnant.  Interesting.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I can't get enough of it.  I probably sleep ten hours a night.  But, unlike with the boys, I do not have to nap during the day.  Those little guys sure were a lot of work!  And totally worth every second.
Miss Anything?  Miranda got sprayed by a skunk yesterday, and with my heightened sense of smell, you can imagine how bad it was.  I would really like to have a normal sense of smell again. Everything makes me nauseous.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: I can breathe!  I know that sounds so weird, but Conner and Ben were side by side, up and down.  At around 20 weeks, maybe earlier, they were crowding on my lungs. I hyperventilated A LOT.  But with just one baby who definitely transverse, the only thing she is crowding on is my bladder.
Best moment this week:  Can't even count. So many people are excited for this baby.  I told my OB today that I have been feeling her since 15 weeks, 4 days and that Tim has been able to feel her for weeks.  I also tend to feel her all day, every day now.  Every 1-2 hours I can feel her moving away.  The ultrasound tech is always talking about how active she is.  I was so proud when the OB said how rare that was this early for me to feel her all the time, and that it was a good sign.  Also, my cervix gained a whopping 5 mm!!!  The highest its been since I was 8 weeks pregnant!  He says I'm doing so well that I don't have to come in every week anymore, but upon seeing the terror on my face, he said we could do them weekly until 24 weeks.  So glad baby girl is doing well. Go little girl, go!
Emotions:  Pretty bitchy, not going to lie.
Difficulties this week:  Infant Loss Awareness Day yesterday.  Tug on my heartstrings.  I keep wondering how I will incorporate the twins in this little girl's life without her feeling jealous, overwhelmed, or like she isn't as important. Also, my ultrasounds wouldn't be ultrasounds without a bit of bad news, right?  Anatomy scan was great, and baby girls looks perfect - except that her head is only measuring in the 10th percentile.  The rest of her body is in the 50th or so percentile, so her head has some catching up.  My OB thinks that her head will be more proportional in a couple of months and that we should not worry, but yes - her head is right on the edge of not normal. So we have to go back for growth scans at 24 and 28 weeks.  If she has not caught up by then, we have to run some diagnostic tests.  I am hopeful, but you can imagine the blow that was to me today.
Movement:  As we speak, her kicking makes me want to pee.  I feel her almost all day now.  With the boys, I felt that about every 3 hours.  I will probably start writing down when I feel her move now.
Food cravings/aversions:  Aversions?  HAHAHAHA.  GIVE ME ALL THE FOOD.
Symptoms: Dare I say... my pregnancy acne is clearing up?  **knock on wood**
Looking forward to: Getting past the 22 week mark.  Getting to 24 weeks.  Getting to 28, 30, 32, and 34 weeks.  I just hope she comes home with us!

Hi baby. 

Are those not the sweetest little toes you ever did see???

12 weeks and HELLO BABY!

Not my best picture, but I was in a mood this morning

How far along? 12 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Baby has reflexes!  S/he can respond if I poke at my belly, even though I can't feel it yet.  Baby is the size of a lime!
Total weight gain: I don't want to talk about it... but I've been calling this baby "fat baby."  I really mean it in an endearing way, I swear.
Maternity clothes?  Nope but my fat jeans fit me pretty nicely this week.  Crap.
Stretch marks? Not yet... but I won't be surprised if I get them with this pregnancy.
Sleep: Last night I didn't get up to pee. Not once.  Unbelievable.  It was the greatest sleep ever.
Best moment this week:  TODAY!!! We got to see little Baby C.  As soon as the ultrasound tech put the wand to my belly, Baby C was stretching and rolling and punching.  It was almost like s/he didn't like being photographed.  Little baby held an arm out, like it was guarding against the ultrasound. This one is a little gymnast, for sure.  Conner and Ben did not move this much at 12 weeks when we saw them.  At one point, baby rolled over to face us.  If you've seen this in an early ultrasound before, then you know how creepy it can be because you can see little baby's brain.  I was in total awe.  This baby has arms!!!  I mean, its my second pregnancy and third baby so you would think I wouldn't be so shocked at the fact that my baby had limbs but nonetheless, yeah, I'm pretty enthralled.  I should probably add that I think the baby is a boy now, so turns out I'm not so sure what s/he is.

Doesn't Baby C look like a mermaid here???  Haaaahaha

Miss Anything?  My cute clothes.  My options are pretty limited right now.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point:  Well, the nausea is back and the pregnancy acne has begun, so at this point they're pretty similar.  Ben also did not like ultrasounds (it was so hard to get a gender read on that little guy) so he and Baby C have that in common.  I remember him trying to move away from the ultrasound. Conner was more of the "flashy" baby  - "here's my weiner, mom!"
Emotions:  So moody, and not the good kind.
Difficulties this week:  I saw a Babies R Us catalog stand at our OB's office.  They always have stuff that the pregnant women can take home with them.  I used to get so excited with Conner and Ben, but this time I looked at the catalog and looked away.  Too early.  Maybe once I hit the third trimester, I'll start planning.
Movement: Apparently A LOT.  But I can't feel it yet.
Food cravings/aversions:  Tim bought me strawberry glazed donuts today.  I feel guilty.  I'm going to try to eat healthier.
Symptoms: Cranky, tired, nausea, acne, bloating... oh my.
Labor Signs:  Nah.
Happy or Moody most of the time:  SO MOODY.  Stay out of my way, people.  Unless you have food, then we can talk.
Looking forward to:  Our ultrasound next week!  We get one every week with my cervical checks.  Pros and cons to everything, right?  Next week is also our NT scan so I'm a bit nervous, but I love seeing this little nugget in action!