THE 22 weeks

Is it me, or is my bump shrinking?

How far along? 22 weeks, the same week that I lost my baby Conner and my baby Ben.  I did not, like I usually do on Thursdays, wish this baby a happy 22 weeks.

What's happening with  baby?  I didn't anticipate how difficult this question would be. I realize now that I am going to be writing the last things that Conner and Ben were able to do in the womb. Lips, eyebrows, and eyelids are more distinct (and Conner had my eyelashes and Ben luckily had his father's). She is 11 inches, almost one pound.  She is covered in fine hair and taste buds are forming. She can feel touch.  I wonder if Conner and Ben realized it was me who was kissing their tiny foreheads. 

Total weight gain: I usually try to go off my scale, because I wear the same thing everytime I step on it, making my weight more reliable than the OB's scale.  My scale says I've only gained 5 pounds. For the first time ever, my OB's scale said the same thing - up five pounds.  Not much, but I'm sure that will change. I think I've lost weight since last week. 

Maternity clothes?  No, but my amazing husband did buy me maternity compression tights since edema has already started :(

Stretch marks? Nope.

Sleep: Insomnia.  I can't explain why - anxiety, missing the boys, dreading the next day and everything that has to be done... not sure.  It could also be because I am peeing ALL THE TIME. 

Miss Anything?  My baby boys, always. More so this week, if that is possible. 

Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: This will be the last week I can answer this question.  Had I know how difficult and heartbreaking this would be for me, I would have never included this question in the first place.  But here it goes: baby girl is not up on my lungs yet, so I can breathe.  I have edema, which I didn't have with the boys (until I was in labor).  My skin is clearing up. I can definitely tell now that I was indeed bigger with the boys.  At first, my baby bump was right on par with the boys at the same gestational age and I was freaking out about being huge. The bump growth has slowed, where at this point with the boys I was growing rapidly. 

Best moment this week: This is going to sound weird, but the fact that yet again we couldn't get a 3d picture made me a little proud. She has her hands up in the air like a boxer. Then, when the nurse went to find her heartbeat via ultrasond, she couldn't find it for a few minutes because this little baby kept on moving. We found her heartbeat for a split second high up by my belly button, then it disappeared.  We found it a minute later by my hip bone, then we lost it again.  She's an acrobat. 

Difficulties this week:  Last night, I couldn't sleep.  I've been battling insomnia lately.  I thought about how Benjamin and Conner would miss their first Christmas this year, and cried.  I looked at their pictures on my phone, and I cried.  I memorized their faces for the millionth time, and cried. 

Movement:  Still kicking and rolling and punching like a pro. 

Food cravings/aversions:  I KNEW I shouldn't have bought Halloween candy before Halloween!  I've been slowly eating it all...

Symptoms: Swelling.  Oh, the swelling.  It's so early!  Right now, I can only fit into my yoga pants because my calves are so swollen (and my thighs a bit, too).  I really hope it doesn't get much worse! 

Looking forward to: Hopefully, a big shopping spree for baby girl when we reach 24 weeks. Tim is also buying crown molding for the nursery this weekend. I have mixed emotions about that.  I am excited for her nursery, but so sad to change what we have up for the boys.  We will be incorporating their things in her nursery though, and I'll post that in her nursery reveal.

"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying ayo..."

The Capture Your Grief challenge is coming to an end. As I said in an earlier post, I stopped doing the challenge and got back to writing letters to my baby boys instead - writing to them is more therapuetic to me than anything else, and I think that is the point of the challenge anyway.  Hopefully this letter will help me get back to writing to them on a regular basis.

Dear baby boys, 

I am 22 weeks pregnant with your sister. Twenty-two weeks. It's so hard to believe that she is as big as you boys were when you were born.  I keep thinking of her as this little tiny baby, but really, she is big enough to cradle and hold in my arms. 

Everyday, I think of what it was like to hold you.  I was in awe of how perfectly you fit in my arms and how heavy you were.  I didn't expect to have so much weight in my arms, and I am so grateful that I had the chance to feel that. I hope I never forget those moments. 

At 22 weeks and 1 day, I went into labor with you.  At 22 weeks and 4 days, I gave birth to you.  This week is traumatic for me, but a very supportive blog reader once commented and told me that your little sister will do great with both of her brothers holding onto each of her hands.  I imagine that all the time now.  I don't want you to ever think you will be replaced.  Everytime I look at her, I will think of you both. 

Tomorrow is Halloween.  When I was pregnant with you, I thought it would be funny for all of us to dress up as breakfast foods.  Your daddy and I LOVE getting breakfast on Sundays, and it has become a kind of tradition.  I was going to make your daddy go as sausage because he would really kind of look like poop.  I'm not sure what you two would have been, but I'm guessing one of you would have been orange juice. 

I know this week is going to be incredibly hard to get through as we reach milestones with your sister that were our last with you, and then when we reach milestones with her that we never got with you. But I realize that my whole life will be like that from now on.  I am not okay with that.  I am not okay with the fact that I can only imagine what you boys would be like today... tomorrow... your first day of school.... your wedding day.  The only comfort I have, if any, is that you are happy in heaven and that someday, I will feel the weight of my little boys in my arms again. 

Love you to the moon and back,

Mom