Bermuda: part 2

Ok, now for the fun part!  We chose to go to Bermuda since Tim was off from work this month.  He was going to be home to help me with the boys while I recovered from a c-section.  We didn't want to stay home all month knowing why he was home every night, so we decided to book it out of here and try to relax.  I'm not sure if the relaxing really happened, but we did enjoy our time together.

Right before we left for the airport, I told myself to put the boys' urn into a fireproof box while we were gone.  I hate putting them in there.  They are right next to my side of the bed, where they should be.  They are surrounded by their stuffed animals on either side, "tucked in" with a fleece blanket decorated with construction trucks donated by the hospital. The box seems like such a dark place to put them.  But, I am terrified of our house burning down while we are gone and I would never forgive myself if something happened to their urn.

I almost forgot to move their ashes into the box in their nursery when the smoke alarm in their nursery went off.  No joke.  It was out of batteries.  I thought it was kind of strange, since we change the batteries in those detectors at the same time and none of the other ones were going off.  I think my baby boys were trying to remind me to put them somewhere safe.  So, I thanked them for reminding me, changed the batteries in the smoke detector, and put their ashes, their stuffed animals, and their blanket in the box for safe keeping.

One of the first things I did when we go to our room on the cruise ship was put up a picture of our boys.  I love saying good morning to them when I wake up, and looking at their picture while we read to them at night.  For those of you who don't know - if you ever go on a cruise, the walls in your room are magnetic.  So, you can put whatever you want up on your walls!

Conner and Benjamin, along for our trip

If you leave from Cape Liberty, you get amazing views of the NYC skyline, including the World Trade Center and the Statue of Liberty

He got the "old fashioned" hahahahaha.... am I the only one who thinks this is a sexual innuendo?

Seriously, New Jersey, you suck and you are cold and windy. I wore my husband's jacket the first day of our cruise.  This is me pretending to be freezing my butt off, but in reality I'm not sure what is going on here. Am I pooping?

Tim bought me my "mommy camera" for Christmas.  I just want to show you how amazing it is. 

And this is when I zoom in to the little bitty people in front of the balls statue.  I didn't even zoom in all the way!

Went under the bridge... 

just barely missing the bottom of it

Bermuda was, by far, our favorite place to visit.  Many people think Bermuda is in the Caribbean, but in reality it is out in the middle of the Atlantic.  It is the second most isolated island in the world, next to Hawaii. So it is not a surprise that the British tried to use it as a navy base, since its proximity to the western hemisphere was very strategical.  The cruise port is actually a renovated navy base, which  makes for a beautiful historical site.  Old forts and old navy buildings lay scattered throughout the island.  As a former history teacher, you can only imagine my giddiness at being able to touch cannons that point out into a beautiful turquoise ocean.

Kings Wharf, Bermuda

Explorer of the Seas

Canons, everywhere!

Ever see a life boat drill for a cruise ship?  We did.  If you ever go on a life boat, bring a barf bag.  Those things were rocking all over the place. 

More life boat drills while we were in Bermuda

Blue, blue ocean

View from a lighthouse in Bermuda.  That part of the island houses some NASA buildings!

Hello, lighthouse.

Can we live here?

Oldest Anglican church in the Western Hemisphere

View from Fort St. Catherine

In the fort

It looks good on me.

Seriously creeped out by all the hallways and staircases in the fort

I'm a boss. 

Canon...

and canon's view

We ran to the top of the fort and got this amazing shot

View of Fort St. Catherine from the water

Bermuda is also home to Horseshoe Bay Beach, hands down my favorite beach I have ever been to, beating out beaches on Haiti, the Bahamas, Jamaica, St. Thomas, St. Maarten, and Mexico. One either side of the beach, large formations of rocks and coral create little sublets of the beach that wanderers go hang out at (me).  Without regards to personal safety, tourists climb these large rocks to look over the ocean (me). Honestly, if you were to fall from these rocks, you'd die for sure. Totally worth it.

Horseshoe Bay

Those rocks are higher than they appear, trust me. 

Before the sunburns

Where we went to go explore

Between the giant rocks

In front of the little baby rocks, which puts into perspective how big everything else was

Our babies' names in the sand, a must on every vacation

Almost to the top...

Tim's view at the top of the rocks

Yes, I am proud of myself

I may or may not be shaking my butt at the camera

We left from the Jersey side of NYC, and most of the people cruising were from New Jersey, Maryland, and New York.  So, for once, there were hardly any kids on this cruise since they were all in school.  Usually when we cruise, there are a lot of Europeans with their kids who are on some kind of weird break (I don't really understand how school vacations work in Europe).  So I was literally stopped in my tracks when one day, a little kid (about 2) came running past me, and his mother started screaming, "Benjamin!"

Oh dear God.

"BENJAMIN MICHAEL!"

Sweet baby Jesus.

What are the chances?

And then imagine my surprise when we ran into this kid twice more throughout the trip, each time with his mother scolding little Benjamin to calm down. Little Benjamin Michael. Tim thinks it was Benjamin trying to tell us he was there with us.

Tim and I started a tradition when we went to Huntington Beach by bringing home sand and shells for the boys.  I put them in mason jars and place them in their nursery.  There weren't a whole lot of shells on Horseshoe Bay, but there was the softest pink sand there.  I brought home two small bottles of sand, which prompted the TSA to do a luggage check on me at Newark.  The TSA agent laughed at me when he saw the sand and sent me on my way.

We also bought the boys a book from Bermuda about a little tree frog who cruises to the island.  We bought them two stuffed animals, a shark and a dolphin.  These are the only things we have bought them since they passed away, besides books.  I just felt like I had abandoned them going on vacation.  I had to bring them something home.  When we got home, I went to their nursery, took their urn from the fireproof box, and rocked them and cried. I missed them so much. It was so weird - I usually talk to their pictures or just talk to them like they are right next to me, and I rarely address their urn as them.  But I was consumed with emotions holding their ashes.  I was so glad they were okay.

Hmm, what else? I carried my luggage up ten flights of stairs. I beat my husband in PIGLET (my version of HORSE), he beat me in air hockey (every single time), and also beat me in mini golf. I got a very mild sunburn. I think I was getting cocky not using much sunblock the day we went to the beach. I've only been burned like two other times in my life.  It didn't hurt, it was just kinda pink, which leads me to think it wasn't really a burn.  But my husband laughed at me, since he gets sunburned when he is out in the sun for approximately five minutes.  Vengeance, he believed, was his.

Our cruise director closed the final show on the ship with a message that I will leave everyone with:

"The Explorer of the Seas was home to guests from 38 different countries and crew from 70 different countries.  We were able to live with each other peacefully for 5 days, simply because of one word: respect. That is something the world can learn from us."

Passing coral reefs on the way home. Thank you for a great time, Bermuda!

Bermuda: part 1

Ok, so this post isn't really going to address Bermuda, but rather the events leading up to it.  I feel like I can't quite post anything about our trip without writing about what happened the week leading up to boarding that plane.

Well, we all know that this trip kinda messed with the May FET cycle so I was kinda bummed about that in the first place.  But then I let it go and decided I was happy to go on a trip and just do whatever I wanted... no worries about shots, no medications, and unlimited amounts of alcohol to be had.

But then we got a notice that we are getting audited.  Awesome.  Just what I wanted.  The audit was scheduled to take place while I was in Bermuda, but we had to schedule it for JUNE 4th.  Unbelievable.

Not the worst part.

My parents picked us up to take us to O'Hare.  They had just gotten back from a doctor's appointment.  The doctor thinks my mom has cancer.  Lymphoma, to be more specific.  We won't know anything for sure until the biopsy results come back on May 12th (coincidentally, the boys' due date).  But they found two masses in her throat and behind her nose, and so far all her symptoms point to cancer.  As you can imagine, I am just thrilled that God has chosen me again to go through the torture of possibly losing another loved one.  And my mother, of all people.  Thanks, Big Guy.

My mother moved here from the Philippines to be a nurse.  She's the charge nurse in the oncology ward.  No one is missing the irony here.  She moved here so that she could send money back to her family, who struggles to make ends meet.  She has a huge family.  She met my dad, and paid for all of his family from the Philippines to move here to the U.S.  She had my brother and I, and worked night shifts at the hospital so she could be with us during the day.  Just a few years ago, she paid for my uncle and his three daughters to come to the U.S. and supported them for years until they were able to support themselves.  She is selfless. She has given me anything and everything I have ever needed or wanted.  She's stayed up with me at night when I had headaches and just brushed my hair, which would be the only thing that made me feel better. She spent thousands of dollars on baby clothes and other nursery items the minute she found out I was pregnant.  She is always there when anyone needs her.  Even when she is at home, she is always on call when another nurse needs her.  She cooks huge meals when she finds out my husband is coming over.  She's always doing things for other people, never for herself. And now we may lose her.

So I practically went kicking and screaming to the airport like a little kid, not wanting to go.  The only reason I boarded that plane to Newark was because my mom's tests wouldn't be done until after we got back, so staying home wouldn't do anyone any good anyway.  I called my mom before I boarded and told her I was worried.  I could tell she was upset but she told me not to worry and to have a good time. So I listened to her.

I still found a way to shut my mind off, at least for a little while.  The ocean does that for me.  It reminds me to just stop whatever I'm doing and be in the moment.  The world is such a beautiful place that it is hard to be focused on a worried future. I would love to go on a vacation like that with my mom soon. Tomorrow or Saturday I will post about our trip and post some pictures.

I can't even today...

We canceled our April FET because I didn't feel 100% ready.  And then I felt ready for the May cycle.  It was the only thing I was looking forward to.  THE ONLY THING.  May all of a sudden was full of possibility, or at least it was a month in which I could start to move forward.

And then MY FUCKING PROTOCOL GOT SWITCHED to Ganirelix.  And now baseline lands in the middle of our Bermuda vacation, which I had planned around my Lupron protocol.  And now I get to cancel ANOTHER FUCKING CYCLE.

Am I ever going to move forward?  Am I ever going to bring a baby home?  Because the universe sure is making it pretty impossible for me.  PCOS, anovulation, the huge loss of my twins, canceled cycle, canceled cycle.  No amount of tequila will stop me from crying all night.