Bad blogger, bad!

Yes, I am a bad blogger now.

I've been meaning to keep up with this blog, but between Jordan, grad school, working part time, and THE BLACKHAWKS - well, its been a little nuts around here.  I just wanted to drop a note here to say MY BAD.  We are doing well, everything is awesome, and I am posting an update one week from today to chronicle Jordan's very first trip to the zoo AND weekend getaway this weekend. Conner and Benjamin have left us more dimes in unexpected places (for examples, Tim's work jeans that we both checked for change before throwing them into the washer). I hope everyone is well.  I also hope people are still reading... I promise I will do better keeping up this blog!!!  I've also been horrible at keeping up with everyone else's blog posts as well. I actually scheduled time on Monday just to blog and catch up with everyone!  Grandma will be taking care of Jordan for me :)

Also, because I know my peoples...

SHE CAN ROLL OVER NOW!!! 

MOMMY, IS THAT A CAMERA?! Get my good side. 

Random Acts of Kindness for Conner and Ben

Dear baby boys,

One of my goals as your mother is to not let your memory be grief.  You were, and still are, the best things that have ever happened to me.  The hours I spent with you are worth more than a lifetime with anyone else. You left a legacy of love, and you are touching people all over the country.  I am so humbled to tell you that on your birthday, people were spreading kindness in honor of both of you - my two sweet, perfect little men.

It may have seemed strange that I did not cry on your birthday.  But when I heard and saw how people were going out of their way to act in love just for you, my heart couldn't help but feel full.  If I did cry tears, it was because I was so moved. I promised you that your story isn't over yet, and there is a huge group of people out there helping me to make sure that your book never closes.

I can't do many things for you. I can't feed you, change you, hug you, kiss you, take you to the zoo all the time like I planned to - but I can do this. I can spread kindness and hope that the world is a better place simply because you both exist.  I refuse to believe that you are gone.  You are everywhere - I find you in uncommon places and in all the beautiful things in life.  Whenever I ask you boys for something, you never fail to come through - whether that is me asking you to help me talk to your dad, or when his truck broken down on your birthday and I asked you to help us get home safely - you are always there. You are bigger than us. You are always watching, I know.  While I wish that you were here with me, safe, healthy, and happy, I know that as long as I live, you will never truly leave this earth.

I hate to use the term "until we meet again," because you are here. So baby boys, thank you for everything. This is not the end of your story - it has only just begun.

Love,
Mom

Random Acts of Kindness done for Conner and Benjamin (and messages are still coming in!)

Our friends and family have:

• released balloons in Florida (while on their Disney vacation!)
• given money to a struggling family
• donated dog food to an anti-cruelty society
• bought a movie for someone
• bought a load of laundry for a stranger
• paid for a person's postage at the post office
• given big tips to their waiters/waitress (multiple people - how great!)
• given away Barnes and Nobles gift cards
• stopped by with balloons and stuffed animals for their party
• given out starbucks gift cards to strangers
• given friends and family compliments
• fixed music free of charge
• bought dinner for someone dining in the same restaurant
• gave out cupcakes at our favorite breakfast place
• begun a new tradition: RAOKs every week for Conner and Ben :)

I have to say that some of the most wonderful things were done by you, my blog readers.  We have never met before, but I constantly feel the love and support from all of you.  Please know that I can never repay you for your kindness - my gratitude is immeasurable. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing Conner and Benjamin's story with me.  

• Cat - bought a plot  in a community garden in the hospital where her sweet boy was lost to SIDS. She bought this plot for the next recipient, someone I am sure will be incredibly grateful for this gift. This was actually the first RAOK to be done in memory of our boys. The days leading up to their first birthday were incredibly difficult for me - I was filled with fear, anxiety, and sadness.  But reading her email and the letter she wrote to the hospital regarding the RAOK gave me the strength to face their birthday with as much positivity as I could.

• Amanda - made giraffe and puppy hats to be donated to the hospital.  How talented is she?! I am in awe of how adorable these are. Many of you already know this - the only things I was able to give to my boys from home were a wind-up giraffe and a taggies puppy.  Giraffes and puppies are now a big symbol for Conner and Ben in our families. The hats she made are the perfect size for micropreemies (like the boys) who do not often get anything made for them.

• Chicken  - bought a gift certificate for her friend (anonymously) and also one for a future RAOK (which I love!).  She left a generous tip in a tip jar. She also lit candles for the boys and included a puppy and giraffe. She is currently pregnant with her rainbow baby, and bought two books for him in honor of Conner and Benjamin -  Goodnight Moon and Guess How Much I Love You.  She didn't know this when she bought those books, but Goodnight Moon is my favorite book to read to the boys and Guess How Much I Love You is where the phrase "love you to the moon and back" comes from.  We think maybe two little boys helped her pick out those books :) She plans on saying a little prayer for the boys whenever she reads these to her baby.

• Carrie - bought amusement park tickets for two little boys whose mother could not afford them... and it was their birthday :)  Coincidence, or meant to be? I'm so happy that she could make a birthday for two little boys so much better, and I know this family will never forget her kindness and generosity.  I feel like maybe Conner and Ben had something to do with this! Also, check out the giraffe ride! 
• Deborah  - bought a violin for her elementary school orchestra.  There are many students who cannot afford to purchase a violin, and this gift will spread happiness and kindness for years to come.  This is incredibly generous. Tim and I are big on music in our house and we are so happy to hear that this gift was spread in honor of our boys. Even more so, I am in awe that this gift will keep the memory of Conner and Ben alive long after their first birthday. Whenever I hear a violin now, I will think of this. 
• AHH GMA (I will use the screen name she uses to post here) - This is one of my favorites. She bought coffee for someone, and then set up a jar at the coffee shop to collect dimes in with the following note: "Hello Friend, I am asking for any dimes you might have.  Today is the 1st birthday of two little boys who were born too soon.   They blessed their parents with a lifetime of love in a few short moments.  They left this earth on the day of their birth.  Since then, their parents find dimes in different places, a sign that their boys are with them.  Any dimes that I collect will be donated to the March of Dimes in memory of Conner & Benjamin."  By the end of the day, she was able to collect over $200 for the March of Dimes!
• Elizabeth  - she and her husband paid for someone at Starbucks, gave their waitress a 100% tip, and went to nursing home and handed out flowers.  I was really, really hoping someone would go to a nursing home!  My husband is a paramedic and is always stopping by the nursing homes on calls.  Those residents need some love and are so often overlooked.  How wonderful that she and her husband would spend their money and especially time to bring some light into their day!  So many of us forget to donate our time, which is a priceless commodity.  

That's not even all :)  Many people did their RAOKs anonymously, so there are acts of kindness being spread that we do not even know about. Everyone who has participated, whether we know about it or not, has a special place in our hearts. They say that it takes a village to raise a child.  I can't tell you if that is true or not (but in February, I can).  But what I can tell you is this - it takes a community of people to keep a memory alive.  I cannot do it on my own. You have all helped me to keep Conner and Benjamin alive in the hearts of so many. From my heart to yours, please accept my sincerest thanks. 

Tim and I did small things throughout our day: bought coffee for the person behind us and bought two cupcakes for the next two people to come in after we picked up the boys' birthday cake. I really wanted to be able to do something meaningful that day, and after much deliberation and thinking I decided to donate to Project Night Night. This organization takes books, blankets, and stuffed animals and creates a comfort basket for homeless children.  I donated a giraffe and a puppy (of course), two blankets with a firetruck embriodered on the edge, and two books: Guess How Much I Love You and Llama LLama Red Pajama.  

There is a line in Llama Llama Red Pajama that always brings me to tears: 

"Mama Llama's always near, even if she's not right here." I am always near, boys - if you ever need anything, let me know. 

11 months. 28 weeks. Christmas. Big update on Baby C.

Yesterday, Conner and Ben had their 11 month birthday in heaven.  I cannot believe it has been 11 months.  Now that we are past this milestone, we are heading into their first birthday.  My mind still cannot wrap around the fact that they have been gone for so long.  It feels like just a few weeks ago that we were saying hello to them, and then saying goodbye.  You would think that losing them would get easier with time - but it doesn't. It gets worse. I'm beginning to forget what their baby lotion smelled like, what it felt like to kiss their little heads, the grasp of their fingers. Please God, do not let me forget these precious moments with my sons.

Just this week, I was thinking that our boys have not given us any signs from heaven lately.  We have been finding dimes every once in awhile in places that they shouldn't be, but that is about it.  I was thinking that it would be wonderful to get a big sign from them like when the smoke detector went off in their nursery, reminding me to put their urn in a fireproof box before we went on vacation.

So imagine my joy on their 11th birthday when Tim went to the FD and found these two dimes in front of his locker:

and then even more so, when I opened the door to our master bedroom and our smoke detector went off, signaling smoke that did not exist.  I have to admit, I was scared at first.  But then I was so happy that my boys read my mind - like, ok mom, you want another smoke detector to go off?  Here you go!

This morning, I dropped off donations at the hospital Conner and Benjamin were born at.  We are so blessed to have had an excellent nursing team with us during our stay there.  We also had numerous doctors who did everything they could to prevent the boys being born before 24 weeks, and then when that failed, they did everything they could to do right by the boys and by us.  My sister-in-law, Tim, and I bought preemie clothing for the NICU and bought "Conner giraffes" and "Benjamin puppies" for the Children's hospital.  When I went to drop off the box of donations, I made sure to tell the nurse that the giraffes and puppies were the same ones that we gave our babies in the hospital. We cannot get them many things for Christmas, nor can we celebrate with them the way that we could have had they been brought home. But I am determined to do good in their name, and I hope that every year we can donate to the hospital in their memory.

We donated two of Ben's puppies, two of Conner's giraffes, and two different puppies and two different giraffes

Ben's puppies

Conner's giraffes

On each stuffed animal, I sewed on a blue taggie with stars and moons. I love you to the moon and back, baby boys. 

Preemie clothes given to the NICU

Today also marks 28 weeks for their little sister. As our time without our boys grows longer, our time to meet our little girl grows near. I know it will be a difficult journey to be a mother to angel babies and a mother to living children, but I think that Conner and Benjamin will slowly show me how to do it.

Bonus: FD Christmas party bump!

How far along? 28 weeks.  If she were born today, she would have over a 90% chance of survival.
What's happening with  baby? Baby C is about 2 pounds, 4 ounces (per her ultrasound today) and is almost 15 inches long (estimate from Baby Center).  Her brain is starting to develop folds and is gaining weight quickly. She can dream!
Total weight gain: 13 pounds, although I ate my feelings today so probably more like 15 after dinner
Maternity clothes?  Not really.  I have a pair of maternity leggings that I wear, but they are still big! Luckily, I found a "new" pair of (non-maternity) yoga pants in the back of my closet that I must have bought when I was pregnant with the boys.  They fit perfect and give my belly lots of support!
Stretch marks? Surprisingly no.
Sleep: Up all night to pee, and tired all day (and still peeing)
Miss Anything?  I gave Tim my delivery day wish list last night: sushi, grilled cheese with bacon, California club from Jimmy Johns, and eggs benedict.

Difficulties this week: 

Well, today was the 28 week growth scan.  I admit, I went in optimistic that her head had caught up to the rest of her body.

I could not be more wrong. 

Baby C's head circumference went from the 11th percentile down to the 4th percentile this week.  Her BPD (Biparietal Diameter) improved slightly, from the 4th percentile to the 5th percentile.  But her abdomen was the big news - it went from the 33rd percentile to the 10th percentile.  Baby C now qualifies as having IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction).  This usually happens when the placenta does not implant properly.  Shitty luck, again.

So, the chances of Baby C being a stillborn are increased.  In an effort to catch any problems before something horrible happens, I am being monitored twice a week for NSTs and Biophysical profiles.  If the baby does not perform well on the twice weekly monitoring, she will be delivered early in an effort to save her. 

The good news? She rocked her NST today.  Her baseline HB is 150.  They look for her HB to raise to at least 160 every time she moves, and they want her to do that at least twice while I am being monitored.  She was monitored for about 15 minutes and she moved and her HB raised over FIFTY times.  The nurses kept walking in asking who was making all that noise!  Just this little bundle of energy over here!  

If she continues to do well on her monitoring, we won't have to deliver early.  Maybe she is just small.  But every week she keeps getting smaller and smaller (percentile-wise), and that is raising many red flags.  

Baby girl, hang in there. 


Movement: All the time for me!  Not really for Tim. Poor guy. Everytime he goes to feel her, she freezes.
Food cravings/aversions:  Eat all the sugar! And all the food in general.
Symptoms: Swelling.  Also, yesterday I almost passed out from being dizzy.  Luckily my home health care nurse was there.  I think I was just pushing myself too hard to get stuff done around the house and my body was trying to get me to settle down. I'm also now borderline anemic - they look for levels to be above 10.5 and I am at a 10.8, so onto iron supplements I go!
Looking forward to: My original goal was to still be pregnant on Christmas, which would be 30 weeks.  The more I think about it, my goal is really to get to February 1st (and beyond).  C'mon, February!

Little Munchkin