KETCHUP

10 sentence catchup, or "ketchup" bahahahaha.... ok, so maybe I am the only one laughing at this, but I'm making it a "thing" now.

1. I'm car shopping! 
   
2. Tim got hurt at the FD and is currently home. 
3. Jordan got allergy induced eczema... from sweet potatoes (wierd).
4. I need 10 more participants for my research on perinatal grief
5. Guess who can sit for realz now? 
   
6. Got a new phone.
   
7. Preparing to wean Jordan :(
8. I'm so tired (not really an update, though).
9. Thinking of attending Share Union for Conner and Ben.
10. I have a fever of 103.. yay. So, I'll be catching up with everyone more, including everyone else's blogs, as soon as I feel better!(that's technically 11 sentences... and now 12, so I think I'll stop here.)

Weekend Review: Mother's Day and Jordan is BAPTIZED!!!

Mother's Day this year was bittersweet.  Last year, I spent it with my husband missing my boys, grieving over their due date - coincidentally, the day after Mother's Day, waiting to move forward with our FET, waiting for news on whether or not my mom had cancer (she did), and wondering if I would ever get the chance to spend this special day with a baby in my arms. 

This year, I did.  But every Mother's Day for the rest of my life, I will forever be missing two. I will never get over that.

Mother's day this year was pretty, well, boring. We did a whole lotta nada. Ever since I was pregnant with the boys, I always imagined my first Mother's Day would be spent at the zoo.  I wanted to walk around with my babies in their stroller, taking in the spring air, and seeing all the animals.  I knew they would be too young to care about the zoo, but I figured they would love going for the walk.  This year, I wanted to do that with Jordan.  And then, because it's spring, it rained like an asshole all day. So I spent Mother's Day doing laundry. So. Much. Fun.

Mother's Day in the church nursery, visiting her Auntie - the only place we made it to on actual Mother's Day!

Not to say that Mother's Day wasn't great. Jordan got me a spa gift certificate (much, much needed!) and Conner and Benjamin got us tickets to see The Book of Mormon, which we went to see this weekend. Verdict? Highly offensive and freaking hilarious. My kind of good time. I've wanted to go see this since FOREVER.  The writers of South Park did what they always do: entertain, offend, and then, at the end - make a very good point. What if religion is all made up?  Does it even matter? Look at all the good it is doing in the world.

Most importantly, laundry or not, I got to spend the day with Jordan. Everyday with her is a perfect day.

But the best part of the weekend was baptizing my daughter in His Name, welcoming her into the church, and spending the day with our closest 40 family and friends who love Jordan and recognize how special it is that she is here, healthy and happy.

While she was being baptized, I was hit with a wave of emotions. My last two children to get baptized died shortly after. Their baptism was short and bittersweet.  There were no pictures of their baptism, no Godparents present, no church.  They were handed to me and baptized as soon as I could get my arms around them. I only remember their baptism in my mind and heart, and even then - I'm not sure exactly what was said. I only know how grateful I am that they were able to be baptized in the name of the Holy Spirit before they went to heaven.

And here Jordan was, being baptized, in all the pomp and circumstance that these traditions have to offer. Was this real? Thank God it was.

I wondered if she would cry during the baptism, but while she was getting water poured onto her head, she looked around and up at me in wonderment and just let life happen.  This is a very big deal - Jordan is NOT a laid back baby.  I expected tears.  I expected screaming. I was armed with pacifiers in her diaper bag (which goes against my pacifier rules of only letting her have it when she's sucking her thumb or fussy at night). But she smiled and let people hold her and took pictures like a champ.

Then we got to the lunch, and she was hysterical.  My baby does not do well with crowds. She gets overwhelmed very easily. She had her bottle late and took forever to finish it because she was so distracted (and distraught) over the people trying to get her attention. She pooped on her daddy, had to change out of her lunch outfit, and bawled when being changed into her new lunch outfit. Three outfits by 4 pm.  Four outfits, if you include her jammies from this morning. Very impressive. Regardless, she was, of course, the center of everyone's attention. AND she kept saying mama, in front of other people, so now it doesn't sound like I am a total liar.

So many people told us how glad they were to see us so happy. Tim's former captain took the time to remind us of how Conner and Ben had tiny feet, but left big footprints.  He told us that in their log book at th FD, he routinely puts two crosses next to special events that happens - for Conner and Ben. That way, they ride with the guys everywhere they go. They are always with us.

Conner and Ben helped make this day, and we will never forget that.

I'll leave you with obligatory baby pictures :) You didn't think I would end a post without them, did you?

First outfit of the day: baptism dress made by Grandma, used by both her girl cousins before her. New tradition?

Oh, the headband :)

Outfit two, before pooping on daddy

Bottom Layer: confetti cake with raspberry preserves

Top Layer: banana cake with strawberry preserves

On her third outfit of the day

From her Godparents, complete with two blue beads to represent her guardian angels

Weekend Review: March for Babies

This weekend marked the second time Team Conner and Ben walked in the March for Babies. It was a beautiful day out in downtown Chicago, and we loved the time we spent with our family and friends. This year was particularly special to us, since it was Jordan's first year participating for her brothers.  Jordan even got $200 in sponsorships for the walk :) We passed our team goal of $2,000 and raised $3,338 for premature babies. The joy in my heart is indescribable.  You all know that I want my boys' legacies to be love and light, and I felt that we made a difference in the world on behalf of them this weekend.

Aw, my baby marching for her brothers. 

Are you excited, Jordan?

You bet your ass that's a minion bow in her hair for her brothers!

Sweet home Chicago

Beautiful day along Lake Michigan

I said it was a beautiful day.. and it was. But it was like, 40 degrees outside so she was bundled up!  Complete with ducky bib. 

Thank you to everyone who donated to our team - it means the world to me that you joined us in continuing Conner and Benjamin's story and honoring their lives in such a positive way.

In other minor news, I cut my hair. Yep. I mean, you probably figured that out from the pictures above. I had so much hair, I was able to donate two ponytails to cancer out of it (it would have been more, but I had so many layers framing my face that it was unusable).

Tim and I also had our second "date day."  Why days instead of nights? Because this way, we get to NAP ALL DAY after we get lunch. For real. Try it some time, new parents. Totally beats date nights, unless you find an amazing babysitter who will take your baby overnight.  Jordan is too young for me to feel comfortable doing overnights just yet, so date days it is!  This mama had an amazing margarita at lunch, and I got to snuggle up with my husband for a nap before we went to get our baby from my moms.  Much needed.  Time to ourselves makes us better parents when we get her back.  Not to mention, we desperately need time to ourselves for the sake of our marriage.  Everyone who has kids knows what I am talking about - you still need to prioritize your marriage, but it is so hard when your baby monopolizes your time (no complaints, though - I love every minute with Jordan, even the poopy ones).

Someone had a good time at Grandma's!

I wish I had time to write more - I hope I can soon.  But I can hear Jordan fussing in her nursery, and it's time to pick my baby up :)

Much love to everyone still reading.

Weekend Review: THIRTY

Today I am THIRTY.

January marks a ton of birthdays in my family: three of my cousins, my aunt, my mom, my brother, myself, and most importantly, Conner and Benjamin.

My babies were born just four days after my 29th birthday, so I didn't reallly expect to celebrate my 30th this year. My 29th birthday was the last day I spent pregnant without being in labor. Tim is on shift at the FD today (although is he paying for me to have a spa day!).  My birthday is two weeks after Christmas and everyone (myself included) is sick of parties. Plus, I am too busy planning and anxiously awaiting the one year anniversary of when we met our twins and said goodbye...much too preoccupied to give my birthday much thought.

But my husband, being the best husband ever, had different plans. On Sunday, we spent the day baby shopping and picking out a new couch (you know, for Miranda). Then we had a scheduled dinner meeting with an investor that we do a lot of remodeling work for.

So, I was completely shocked to walk into the restaurant to 40 of my closest friends and family screaming "SURPRISE!" (Side note: so was baby C, who instantly woke up from what is normally nap time).

Seriously. Maybe I should have seen it coming, but I didnt. My husband isn't a planner. And the night before, he didn't get a second of sleep into between FD calls so he was exhausted. When we walked in, I saw a few firefighters first so I figured it was something for Tim. Then I saw my parents and freaked out thinking it was a baby shower (which I am just not emotionally equipped for). Then I saw "30" balloons and remembered that my birthday was coming up in two days. Oh yeah, that. I totally forgot!

I was still confused, so of course people laughed at me and recorded my facial expressions as I turned to my husband in complete awe. My friends are good for that.

I won't bore you with details, but I'll give you a few highlights:

I loved having everyone I love in one room. That made my day. It took me three hours to make my way around and catch up with everyone. My friends and family are the best. People called off work and switched shifts to be there for me. They dropped plans to help Tim put everything together and track other people down.

I had three birthday cakes. THREE! Including the smallest, cutest ice cream cake just for me. Not gonna lie, I contemplated making it a smash cake.

A couple years ago, Tim won me a giant stuffed dog at Six Flags. We named her Moonpie. A few weeks ago I decided it was time to say goodbye to Moonpie, so we shoved it into a friends truck without him knowing. Guess who got Moonpie back on Sunday. Everyone "awed" over me getting this giant dog, but no one knew that it was mine in the first place and we are looking for adoptive parents. Current plans are to sneak around firefighters houses dropping her off.

Tim had his first helium balloon experience and chose to sing "Jesus Take the Wheel."

Didn't know it was possible to love my husband more, but I do. He made my entire year.

My SIL customized this locket for me - three stones for my three babies, and the prematurity/infant loss ribbon.  You know I love it. 

By far the best gift I got for my birthday (again, from my amazing SIL) - two gloves with two little mittens sewn into them.  The card read, "Mama, you know we are always with you.  But if you want to feel us, here is something to warm your heart and hands!  Love, your baby boys." Thirty marks one year closer to seeing my baby boys again and holding their hands in heaven. The emotion that overcomes me when I put these on and hold onto these tiny firefighter mittens is unexplainable. I swear I can feel myself holding Conner and Benjamin's hands. 

I totally and completely embrace 30.  I had a lot of fun in my 20's - I went to college, had a ton of fun and somehow managed to double major with a minor in between bar hopping, taught high school psychology and history, met my husband, married my husband, opened a small business, traveled a lot, became a mother.  But I think my 30's will be even better. I get to start my 30's and end it with my husband by my side. I'll spend this enter decade (and more) loving on my boys. And I will hopefully be bringing baby girl home.

"Do not regret growing older.  It is a priviledge denied to many."  - Unknown

Weekend Review and Capture Your Grief catch up

This weekend was Tim's 28th birthday (so old, right?).  He was at the FD that day, so I just stopped by with this amazing pastry tray.  Said it would feed 20-30.  It fed four firefighters and one pregnant girl. Whoops. Guess I dropped the ball on that one, huh?  I had a jacket, new shirt, and new shoes waiting for him in my closet and I finally got to get rid of them. We also got the worst massages ever, but how was I suppossed to know they would suck?  I really need to step up my game next year.  I suck!  

We went to the pumpkin patch to get our boys' first pumpkins.  I always imagined bringing my twins to this pumpkin patch, somewhere Tim and I have been going annually since our first year living together. I imagined them sitting in the wagon, climbing on top of pumpkins, and picking them out. Conner and Ben couldn't do that, so we did it for them.  It was a bittersweet day. 

New birthday jacket!

Conner and Ben's pumpkins!  We tried to get matching ones.

Baby C's first pumpkin.  Stay tuned to see how I decorate it!

Can't forget Capture Your Grief catch up!  Love to my baby boys. 
Day 16: Retreat

I took a non-traditional approach to this topic.  I find comfort and peace when I travel with my husband, but no ordinary person can just hop on a plane every day. My retreat that I can turn to consistently is my blog.  It is my outlet, my diary, and my journey.  It has given me support and gifts that I never could have imagined.  Thank you all for being a part of it.

Day 17: Explore

Can grief and healing co-exist?  I think they must.  The grief of losing a child, or in my case, children, never dissipates. It never ceases.  There is no break from it.  But I find ways to honor Conner and Benjamin's lives, and it helps me to heal.  Just because I am striving to live my life to the fullest does not mean that my life will ever be full.  One of my life goals is to travel the world, a little at a time.  We have started taking bits and pieces of our journeys home with us for the boys, starting with sand and seashells from California and Bermuda.  What we see, they see,  What we experience, they experience.  They are always with us.


Day 18: Gratitude

It seems odd to consider myself lucky.  But I am lucky.  We had time with our sons.  We have pictures. We have footprints.  We have hats, blankets, and other carefully chosen items placed in their memory boxes. They were baptized.  Our parents got to say goodbye to their grandchildren. Everyday, I am grateful for what I had with them.  God chose me to be their mother.  No one else could love those boys like I do.  Two hours with them is worth more to me than a lifetime with another baby.  I am blessed.  I am thankful.  I have gratitude that they are now in the kingdom of Heaven.

Day 19: Give

Ben's puppy and Conner's giraffe, during one of the first and only times I was able to leave my hospital bed. 

What have we done for others in memory of our boys?  Donated to the NICU.  Led a family team in the March for Babies, bringing in over $12,000.  I find myself desperate to help other premature babies, simply because I could not help my own.  This Christmas, together with our families, we are donating outfits to our hospital's NICU and donating stuffed giraffes and puppies to the children's hospital in honor of Conner and Benjamin.  Their lives were short, too short.  But they will continue to make a difference in the lives of others.  My babies - my inspiration.

Weekend Review: a wedding, our anniversary, and lots of gatorade

Welp, I’m writing this on my couch, watching the Bears vs. Packers game (well, not really… more like its noise in the background because I couldn’t really care less about football).  I have a blue Gatorade with a twisty top to my right (my favorite), and am bundled up in fleece.  No shower. Hair is a mess. Glasses on.

I’m siiiiiiiiiiick.

Breakfast for the sick.  This is just mine... but I did end up sharing. 

I was so looking forward to this weekend.  Our 3^rd wedding anniversary is this Tuesday, so we were celebrating our anniversary this weekend instead.  We usually try to go on a trip for our anniversary, but our track record sucks so far.  Our first anniversary, we went up to Galena and had a ton of fun eating food and relaxing.  Our second anniversary, we had to cancel our big trip to Colorado because of the terrible flood that they had.  So, at the last minute, we went up to Galena again.  I was pregnant with the boys and nauseous the whole time, so Tim watched a lot of football on the couch and while I puked everything I ate. 

This year, everyone and their mom was/is getting married around our anniversary.  We went to a wedding for one of Tim’s best friends on Friday, and he was a groomsman.  Tim was just starting to get over being horribly sick – congestion, sore throat, cloudy head, pounding headache.  He didn’t want to get me sick, so he ended up taking overtime at the FD (where I hope he didn’t get anyone else sick).  Since he was in the bridal party, I didn’t see him that much and figured that was pretty safe.  I rode up to the wedding with two of the other firefighters and had fun talking with everyone, all the while hoping no one would ask me why I was sipping water while they were pregaming in a parking lot.  Success!  If anyone has guessed, they didn’t say a word. I didn’t get to sit with the other firefighters at dinner.  Instead, I was at the table with all the other wives/husbands of the people standing up in the wedding.  The misfit table.  We didn’t know each other.  We were the dateless.  So the firefighters gave me the sad eyes all night. Once dinner was over and Tim was able to join me, he looked good. Not sick.

STUPID BRA

Then again, I’m no diagnostician.  We ended up leaving the reception early to get me to bed.  The groom was the only friend that Tim told about me being pregnant, so he insisted that Tim get me home and was completely understanding.  Still, I’m feeling like a piece of crap for leaving a wedding at 10 pm.

We didn’t go home.  Since we are so busy with looking for houses, school, work, and going to other weddings (we have another one in 6 days), we opted to spend the weekend in downtown Chicago and well, spend a ton of money.  My kind of weekend.  We had already paid for a hotel adjacent to the Hancock Center (I still giggle when I think that word. I am 12 years old), so we drove down Lake Shore Drive and arrived at this cute little boutique hotel (complete with tiny elevators).  We never did make it to the rooftop bar, but our hotel room was classy and huge. Our night consisted of watching an episode of South Park, reading to the boys, and falling asleep, both of us with sore throats and pounding heads.  Who says romance is dead?

Our hotel

SO close to the Hancock!

Our anniversary weekend was supposed to go like this: sleep in, get brunch, go shopping for baby C on Michigan Avenue, get couples massages, and get dinner at the Signature Room on the 95^th floor of the Hancock Building.  But I woke up knowing I would never make it to dinner.  I took my temperature and didn’t have a fever, so I didn’t call the OB.  I downed a ton of fluids and took two regular strength Tylenol every 6 hours.  I knew I could take it every 4 hours and I could take extra strength, but I’m big on not taking more drugs than I need when I’m pregnant.  Luckily, my own immune system is slowly kicking this virus’ ass (which is more than I can say for my husband).

So what did we really do for our anniversary?  For those of you who have ever driven in downtown Chicago, you don’t drive down there and NOT spend the day there.  The drive is horrendous.  Every turn you take, you think you’re going to kill like 20 pedestrians.  Cars are ruthless.  If you have the balls to drive in the heart of Chicago, you get your time and fun out of it.  So, we did get brunch.  Cheesecake Factory, I love you.

Looking up, directly beneath the Hancock

Love Michigan Avenue!

We did try out overpriced furniture.  That chair was over $2,000.

So sick!

My view of baby

We went window shopping down Michigan Avenue. As much as I wanted to shop for the baby, I couldn’t bring myself to do it with this infection.  If I get a negative culture again in a couple weeks, then trust me, it’s on.  SPEND ALL THE MONIES!!!

Since we wouldn’t be making it to the 95^th floor of the Hancock (hahaha) for dinner, we went to the 94^th floor observation deck instead. Good enough, right?  The views were amazing, and it was a beautiful day out.

I couldn't help it. I needed to purchase this picture. It's on our fridge. So cheesy!

What we were really waiting for were our couples’ massages.  We might have gone home earlier, but I was convinced that a massage would make me feel better.  I booked at Tricoci’s, a spa I used to work at (at a different location).  It was my present to Tim…. and yeah, for myself too.  I mean, a pregnant girl can pamper herself, right???

Right before the massage. So awesome.

Ladies, if you are pregnant – get a pregnancy massage!  This was my first, and I left feeling like a new woman.  My headache was even gone!  I wasn’t lightheaded anymore.  It was amazing.  I’m determined to go again in a few weeks. 

Nevertheless, we went back to the parking garage to drive home.  I had already canceled our dinner reservations and Tim wanted to get me home as soon as possible to knock the bug out.  We get to my car, Tim turns the key and… nothing.  Battery worked, we heard the engine clicking… but nothing.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!

A little note on my car: it’s a 2010.  It only has like 65,000 miles on it. It’s been recalled SEVEN times.  We replaced the starter LAST YEAR.  So Tim calls his mechanic (his dad’s best friend, Tim’s “uncle”), and his uncle goes “it’s that starter again!”  Cue me in the passenger seat, eating leftover Cheesecake Factory, watching my man pound on the starter with a tire iron (per uncle’s suggestion). 

Then the battery dies.

OMG.  Tim was hot.  He knew calling a tow truck was almost out of the question – how the hell does it get into the parking garage?  And then paying for a cab home?  Aw HELL NO.  Luckily, someone driving by was kind enough to jump our car and thank God it was enough to start the car. 

We almost went to the dealer yesterday to get me a new car, but seeing as though we are on the market for a new house I decided to ride this car out (literally) for another year or two.  Besides, I love that it’s paid off. 

Our anniversary dinner consisted of leftovers and White Castle.  I went to bed with a Vick’s humidifier next to me.

There’s always next year, right?

Happy 3rd anniversary to my husband, who goes out at any hour to fulfill my pregnancy cravings, rubs my head when I'm sick, and loves me unconditionally (pajamas, snotty nose, messy hair, and all).  To the hardest working man I know, who has given me everything I've ever wanted and more. To the only person who loves Conner and Ben as much as I do and whose favorite part of the day is reading to them at night. To the man who saves lives every time he is at the FD, builds homes for people, and is always on my side. I am forever on yours.