The end

Not really the end. But the end of me writing in the blog. I spent a long time debating on whether to keep writing, whether it was still necessary for my healing, and what time would be good to stop if there was an end. I no longer feel that I need to write about the boys constantly to help heal my heart. I've found other ways to honor and remember my boys. Doing good in their name, donating to those who are in need on special days of remembrance, and still reading to them every night help me feel close to them. And, just when I need them the most, I know they are here. They answer every prayer. They are never far from me. In addition, many of my blogger friends who have gone on this journey with me have also had their rainbows and I think we can all agree that finding the time to blog is challenging. I think many of my readers have not stopped by this blog in awhile, either, and I don't blame them. It took a dramatically different turn with the birth of my little girl. I love the little community we made and I will always check in on my blogger friends, my TB friends, and my BC friends. But the time has come to say goodbye to this blog. I would rather write a good-bye post then neglect it until I no longer wrote in it. I decided the best time for me would be when I received my pregnancy test results from my embryo transfer in February.

But before I get into all that, there's a lot to catch up on :)

We took Jordan to the Shedd Aquarium for her birthday. She loved every second of it. This girl is obsessed with fish and water. She can even say "hi fish!"  She loved watching penguins waddle in front of her, different fish swim around in the water, and the kids area where she splashed and played and basically threw a mini tantrum when I finally had to take her away from it. I thought for sure I would cry on her first birthday, but I didn't. The day was full of excitement and fun. Of course, Jordan had no clue it was her birthday.

Note to self: this can entertain her for hours. 

Sweet home Chicago

SO MANY FISH!!!

We moved into a wonderful new home the day after her birthday, where my husband promptly took to renovating as much as he could in two weeks. We moved into the house one week before Jordan's birthday party, and you can probably imagine how exhausting it was cleaning, unpacking, and putting the detail into the house to make it look and feel like home before we hosted a party for 50. It was so worth it. My dream was to have her first birthday party at home surrounded by friends and family.

Ever since I found out she was a girl, I stayed up late planning her first birthday party. She was due March 5th, but I secretly hoped she would come February 28th so I could throw her a Winter ONEderland. She was born right smack in the middle of February and I've been designing and going pinterest crazy ever since. Excuse the kitchen, we still plan on updating the cabinets/counters/backsplash in good time.

Hot Chocolate Bar, complete with a hot chocolate machine we have used several times since the party. One of the best purchases I've ever made. 

I love spending outrageous amounts of money on extraordinary cakes. Sugar is my Achilles heel. 

We were surrounded by so much joy and love that day. Everyone was there to celebrate our little miracle, and the day was full of laughter, hugs, and, well, noise. If I can sum up her party in one word, it would be LOUD. Kids running around, laughing, playing, good friends catching up with each other, family surrounding us, and of course, Miranda barking in the backyard. But to hear that noise fill up our house and bounce off the walls was like music to my ears.

Birthday babe. After she snapped her headband off, of course. 

Jordan loved watching everyone in her house so much she didn't nap. She acted like being sung to was no big deal, and once I tried to show her how to blow out her candles, she tried doing it too. In the end, I accidentally blew them out for her while showing her how to do it. Whoopsies. She was confused about her cake, tentatively taking a finger or two to the frosting before finally bringing some to her mouth. Then she gagged on it and I took it away. Oh well. There is always next year :)  - and yes, I already know the theme!

Jordan was diagnosed with a heart murmur at 9 months that sounded innocent, but after her 12 month check up her pediatrician wrote a script for her to get an echocardiogram. I scheduled it for the day after my embryo transfer, so of course those two days were mixed with excitement and anxiety. Jordan did surprisingly well for it. I mean, we did bribe her with (organic) fruit snacks, multiple renditions of "The Wheels on the Bus," and let her watch her favorite video of a Disney Love Medley (which never fails to put her to sleep or calm her down). I cried listening to the song, thinking of how long the echo was taking and thinking that it would destroy me if anything was wrong with her. The tech asked us if we had any other kids. We said we had two year old boys at home. He commented that it must be very busy at our house. We just smiled. The tech finished up and said, "when you guys come back, they have wagons you can put her and all her stuff in so it's easier to travel." He then brought some toys for Jordan and both Conner and Ben to take home. And all I could think was that he said, "when you guys come back." What did he see? Well, it turns out, nothing. The pediatrician's office called with great news - normal, healthy heart - innocent heart murmur. Thank God.

Now, onto my boys - the very reason this blog exists.

There is a song that reminds me of Jesus, as well as the promise that Conner and Benjamin are in heaven. I won't post all the lyrics here, but you can google it if you would like. If you're Catholic, you might have heard this in church. It is called "All That is Hidden." There are a few lines that speak to me the most.

If you would follow me,
follow where life will lead:
Do not look for me among the dead,
For I am hidden in pain, risen in love;
There is no harvest without sowing of grain.

All that is hidden will be made clear.
All that is dark now will be revealed.
What you have heard in the dark
proclaim in the light;
What you hear in whispers
proclaim from the housetops.

Do not look for me among the dead. I certainly do not think of my boys as dead. They are gone from this earth, but they live on. We, along with our family and friends, strive to do good in their names and remember them at special holidays and occasions. Their names are on our mantle, we write their names in the sand whenever we go on vacation, their footprints and pictures grace our walls, and we will continue to celebrate their birthdays every year. I still cry when I think about them, but not often. I try to remember that their lives should be celebrated and that their legacy is not grief. Those boys can still serve a purpose on this earth. I hope by me writing here on this blog, some of you reading have found comfort in your own losses. I know that my loss could have destroyed me, but it didn't. I know that good can come from heartache. Our boys could not be saved, but I pray that other babies can be. Our team for the March for Babies grows smaller every year, but we will keep walking regardless. Over the past years we have raised almost $20,000 for premature babies. Maybe in the coming years we won't bring too much in, but every little bit helps. 

Every once in awhile, I will ask my boys for a favor. Sometimes big, sometimes small. Sometimes for patience when I feel like screaming, sometimes for someone else to have patience with me, or for bigger things like asking for their sister's heart to be healthy. They have never failed me. I know they are our guardian angels. I know they are here, watching my type. I know that they lead us to all good things. I can only hope that each day, I can make them proud. I know that we will be reunited with them again someday.  Until then, I hold them in my hearts, write their names on our Christmas cards every year, say good morning to them every day, and pray for them every night. I love them wholly and tremendously.

To everyone who has followed this blog - from the beginning or intermittently, thank you for sharing in Conner and Ben's story. Thank you for praying for me and my family, for supporting us, for praying for my little girl when all sorts of things kept going wrong. Thank you for thinking of my boys, for believing that they were and are worthy of being loved, for participating in their Random Acts of Kindness, for donating to our March for Babies team year after year, for crying with me and crying for me. Thank you for sharing in my joy when Jordan was born, for keeping tabs on her monthly updates, and for just being there. I have made so many connections with so many of you - whether it be through our blogs, or through email, or the few of you that I have met in person and have become some of my very best friends. You will never truly understand how much you all mean to me. You were and are an integral part of my healing process, and it is not without hesitation that I stop writing in this blog. It really is like saying goodbye to a friend.

Forget-me-nots

I've also finished up my study on perinatal loss and religious coping. The results are actually quite interesting. If you would like access to the completed study and the results, please feel free to contact me at ctbmsullivan@gmail.com. Or, you can leave a comment here with your email address and I will contact you. 

Of course, before I write my last sentences here, baby number four (baby D??) is due November 11th. I am so much more relaxed about this pregnancy after delivering Jordan, and I know that this baby's older brothers are the best guardian angels ever. Also, I already have some pretty strong pregnancy symptoms (read: earlier and worse than with my previous pregnancies) and it makes me feel like this baby is here to stay. Oh, and beta 10dp5dt was 276 so... let's see if this embryo split...

6dp5dt, after getting the faintest lines ever on 5dp5dt. Jordan has no clue what is going on. 

We have 6 embryos left. Four are frozen in pairs and have been waiting for us since 2013. Two are frozen alone - one was Jordan's pair, refrozen in 2014. One was this new baby's pair, refrozen just weeks ago. I made a joke that IVF has worked for us 3/3 times, and that if we were going to go back for the other 6, we needed to build an addition on our house. I am so attached to those little snow babies, I cannot imagine not going back for all of them. I am especially attached to Jordan's pair, who I almost transferred with her, and felt like I was abandoning. I am sure when this new baby is born, I'll feel the same about his/her pair that was refrozen. Those two embryos were so close at being transferred, and I almost feel like I neglected them by having them refrozen. I feel like they sacrificed for their siblings to be born. That may sound crazy, but to those of you who have done IVF, maybe you understand. The ride is crazy, emotional, and often times lonely. My ride with infertility is not over yet, not until I have given all of those embryos a chance.

To those of you struggling with starting your family, never give up. Mine did not come easy or without tremendous loss. But here we are. It was worth it. I have three babies (and one on the way) and even with two of them in heaven, I can tell you that my heart is full of joy.

If any of you have instagram, you can follow me @krystalg930. Or email me. I love connecting with everyone!

I'll leave you with Jordan's favorite video :)

KETCHUP

So many things... where to start?

1. We closed on our house and moved in with my brother in law. 
2. Ironically found our "forever home" the day we closed on our house. Offer accepted! We hopefully move in January. Including the finished basement, it's over 4,000 feet of space for our kids to grow up. 
3. Jordan learned how to wave!
4. She's also RUNNING around holding furniture.
5. I have my master's degree in Theoretical Psychology! Will post results of study soon. 
6. Tim is going in for surgery consults. Thankfully it is supposed to be a low risk surgery. 
7. It's snowed twice here, and it all reminds me of my boys and of bringing Jordan home. 
8. I desperately need a spa day. I don't even look like me anymore. 
9. New obsession: New Girl is hilarious. 
10. Went in for an FET consult today! Depending on lab results, I may have a transfer in January!!! (Yes I saved that for the end!) 

Infant Loss Awareness Month, Healing, and Moving

via Google

Ah, my neglected blog.

A few days ago, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month began. Like last year, I fully intend to immerse myself in Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief. Also like last year, instead of posting every day I will probably post every few days with multiple subjects. I am so thankful for this project, as it brings me back to this space to write and reflect about my boys. I am desperate for this time to write about them, as I feel as though I am moving so far from them.

Forgive me, though, as these posts will probably come late. I am frantically catching up with work, trying to finish my master's degree this month, and running after a very mobile Jordan. And I am doing this all while packing up our house.

We got a full price offer on our house. We jumped on it, of course. Our lawyer signed papers for us while we were out of the country. We close in four weeks.

I am so many conflicting emotions about this. We moved into our current home because Tim had residency requirements when we got his new job at the FD. We had to live in this city for 5 years, and we pretty much came kicking and screaming. We had just built our first home along the river, and a month after moving in Tim got the call from the FD with the job offer. He had to take it. So, as we were still unpacking, we put our brand-new house up for sale. We spent almost two years building it and only lived in it for 10 months.

So ever since we moved into our current home, I've been dreaming of leaving it. And now we are. We flew back home from vacation today, I walked into our home, and an overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me. While this was our second house, this was really where we built our lives together. Our first home saw our engagement, us bringing home our puppy, and then saw us leave. Our second home, the one we are in now, has seen so much more. It was our home when we got married. We had three kids in this house. It was where I planned not one, but two nurseries. It was the only home Conner and Ben (sort of) lived in. It was where family and friends brought food, hugs, and love when Conner and Ben died. We brought Jordan home here. We had Christmases here. Birthdays. Thanksgivings. I started my blog here. Four years here, and endless amounts of love has been shared in these walls.

We haven't found a new home yet. Well, that's not true. We did, and lost it to another offer. That's a long story... I'm really too heartbroken to get into it. But I know our forever home is waiting for us. I just hope we find it soon.

Moving on. Moving forward. Moving out.

KETCHUP

Ten sentence catchup

1. I'm making this a very short post because I am cleaning...
2. because we are taking pictures of our house...
3. because we are putting an offer in on a new one :) our "forever" house.
4. I took a pregnancy test the other day (negative).
5. Thinking about another baby in the near future!
6. Wondering what Conner and Ben are up to. 
7. SIL and MIL made blankets and hats for the NICU in honor of Conner and Ben (they routinely do this, which just warms my heart). 
   
   
   
   
8. Tim is still injured and is on light duty.
9. Prepping for a future vacation and realizing how difficult this is going to be, seeing as though I am already an over-packer and going on a cruise with a baby means packing to the extreme. 
10. I reached (and surpassed) my participant goal for my research on perinatal grief, and that is  thanks to all of you!

Weekend review and a heartbeat!

This weekend was a big giant blur.  It poured on Saturday, and since my dog is a terrified of getting wet she refused to get out of (our) bed and slept all day.  I can't complain much though, since all I wanted to do that day was catch up on old episodes of the O.C. and nap.

She looks hungover, but really this is her sleeping like she's possessed. 

On Sunday, we went looking at plots of land for our new house.  I guess that means I've given in to Tim's wishes and am letting him build the house.  The issue with this (among many) is that the plots of land that we love are all in subdivisions with very active HOAs.  Our favorite piece of land is one acre surrounded by trees and away from any busy streets.  But the HOA won't let us build a fence, which is a must-have for Miranda, who already finds a way to escape past our six-foot fence.  The minimum square footage for the first floor is 2,800 square feet, not including garages, and trucks cannot be parked in the driveway.  Roofs must be steep, which is fine but kind of a pain in the ass anyway.  Even the mailboxes must be the exact same throughout the neighborhood.  They have rules on what kind of pets you can have and how many you can have as well.  Basically, cats or dogs only, limited to two, and they can't be loud.  HAHAHA have they ever met dogs before???? My dog loses her shit when she sees a squirrel. 

Tim and I are middle-class people.  I drive a Toyota for crap's sake.  While we would probably be able to meet most of the requirements for the HOA, we would easily be the poorest people in the neighborhood.  I would really love to move into a neighborhood where we fit in, and more so a neighborhood where Baby "C" and any other baby we have can feel comfortable.  I want a neighborhood  where we can put up a playhouse and swingset in our yard without it getting approved by the HOA.  I want my dog to be able to bark like a normal animal if she's chasing a rabbit.  I guess it's time to keep looking. 

Goodbye, lot

But I guess the big news was this morning when we had an ultrasound for little Baby "C'.  I was nervous, especially given that I was still on antibiotics that increased risk for miscarriage.  But when we got there, our baby popped up on the screen and our nurse immediately found a heartbeat.  Baby "C" is going strong at 188 beats per minute.  Thank God.

When I first saw Conner and Benjamin on an ultrasound screen, I immediately knew they were boys.  It was just shy of 6 weeks, and we were looking for a heartbeat.  At this point, we thought it was only one baby because we had only found one sac the week before.  All of a sudden, there were two heartbeats!  I immediately started calling them my little guys.  I knew they were boys, especially after those little minions shocked us with two heartbeats.  I have never been right about the gender of a baby before until I had my own.  There was no way they were girls, I just knew it.

So, I have been waiting to see Baby "C' and hear the heartbeat.  Tim has been saying from the beginning that he thinks this baby is a girl.  I saw the baby.  I heard the heartbeat.  I think this baby is a girl, too.  I mean, I've been wrong more times than not so I wouldn't put much weight on it, but I have a feeling I'm going to be referring to this baby as a "she" from now on. 

Pretty fuzzy, but pretty beautiful

Next ultrasound is on Friday, then I get transferred to my OB.  Moving right along :)

Weekend Review: extended version, Thursday-Monday

Welp, it's been awhile since I last posted.  I was waiting until this insane weekend was over, plus I wanted to wait to post until this blog went private.  By the way... thank you to everyone still reading.  I know by going private, it is not as easy to view this blog, and it really means so much to me that you are all still here.

A dear friend of mine, who lost her baby girl not long after I lost Conner and Ben, released sky lanterns right before the 4th of July.  Coincidentally, Tim and I were talking about releasing sky lanterns for the boys up where we took our pregnancy announcement photos.  Ultimately, we decided not to since it was a very wooded area and I didn't want the fire marshall to come chasing after me.  My friend was releasing a lantern for Claire, and she asked if she could release two for my boys.  As I'm typing this, I'm holding back tears from being so moved.

Ben and Conner's lanterns drifting away

This past weekend marked what I like to call "Idiots with Explosives" weekend.  I mean, I love our country (my favorite subject to teach is probably US History), but I'm pretty shocked that no one blew up my house this weekend.  Fireworks are illegal to sell and purchase in Illinois, but we live so close to Indiana that any idiot with $20 can equip themselves with deadly weapons.  I understand that some people can be careful and cautious with fireworks, but most people... I wouldn't give them a license to light a box of matches, much less explosives.  Thank God for the U.S. of A and thank God we are still alive. 

Also big news this weekend (to me, anyway): Jessica Simpson finally married the guy she had two babies with.  After something like 17 years of engagement, they finally tied the knot.  Okay, it was really like four years, but it felt like 17.  But now that this has happened, I guess there really is no chance at a Jessica Simpson/Nick Lachey reunion. I mean, I guess that was out the window when they got divorced... and when Nick got remarried... and when Nick had a baby... and Jessica had two babies in practically the same gestation period... 

Yesterday we went house hunting with our realtor.  Of course, I was in love with the new builds and naturally, Tim is hell bent on building our next house himself.  He told me he would get too much crap from his friends if someone else built our house and he is insisting that we will save money if we build ourselves.  That is great and all, but we built our first house and we completely renovated the inside of our second (current) home.  Do I really want to go through all that again?  Eh, not really, but it is the only way to get our dream home for the price we are budgeted for.  I guess we're looking for lots now!  Just imagine one of these houses with a full walk-out basement:

Walk out basement 

pictures and floorplans via dreamhomesource.com

Oh and by the way, our little Baby C is somewhere in that little black dot down there.  We'll hear a heartbeat on Monday :)