Home Sweet Home

Quick update... we finally closed on our forever home!

It was a crazy process. We put in an offer on a 95% completed short sale right before Thanksgiving- we happened to be the THIRD buyers on this house. Our bank would not proceed until we got the all clear as the new buyers from the seller's bank. Seller's bank took awhile, but we finally got approved shortly after Christmas. Seller's bank says we must close no later than January 28th, when the short sale approval expired.

And then our bank wouldn't give us a closing date. So we waited. And waited. And then on January 22nd, the proposed closing date, our bank gives us the clear to close. But they say we can close no earlier than January 29th.

So starts the bank wars.

Not really. But seller's bank was ready to drop the deal if we didn't close by the 28th. TRID guidelines (whatever that is) state that we need a certain amount of time after clear to close to actually close, and the 28th is too early. Back and forth, back and forth. Tim and I started to line up other houses to see because we were pretty sure we were going to lose this house. Our bank had until January 26th to let us know if this deal was actually going to happen. And on January 26th, sometime in the afternoon, we finally got the all clear to close on the 28th, at 3 pm, which was basically the LAST AND FINAL HOUR that the seller's bank would allow us to close without terminating the deal.

Sound boring? I mean, yeah, bank shit is boring. But we were on the edge of our seats for weeks.

Blah blah though, happy ending. We were originally just going to paint, replace the carpet, and refinish the hardwood in the house and then just move right on in. And then because my husband is, well, my husband, he walks through the house after closing and decides he is also going to remodel two of the four bathrooms, replace banisters going to the basement and upstairs (which he has never done before, oddly enough), etc. etc. before we move in. And our target move in date is the 13th, because I've already sent Jordan's birthday invitations out for the 20th - and her party is AT HOME. We are in way over our heads.

Tim also eventually wants to add a third car garage and a 600-700 square foot addition over the garage, making it our huge master suite. I mean, who am I to stop him? I love me some vaulted ceilings and he's promised to make me the bathroom of my dreams. That will make our house a 6 bedroom, 5 bathroom house and I'm trying to think of how to keep up with the housework. But man, am I excited! I'm trying to think of ideas on how to incorporate the boys into the house (pictures, of course, but anything else would be great - especially things we can look at and know its for them, without it being obvious).

Surgery is scheduled for Monday. I'm oddly looking forward to it, because they said that they'll knock me out and I should get a good nap out of it. I need one.

FET is scheduled for February 23rd.

It's going to be an amazing year.

Our first fire at the house, right after closing (complete with a large pizza and 17 samples of paint to throw on the walls)

11 months - WHERE DID MY BABY GO?

11 MONTHS

Weight: 18.6 pounds
Length:  My measurements were wrong. Definitely says you lost height, so I give up and am waiting until your 12 month appointment!
Head: TBD at your next pediatrician appointment - I suck at trying to measure this, too. Bad mommy!
Clothing size: 12 month everything, except leggings which run small anyway - those are 18 months.
Eye color: Brown
Hair: Someday, someone will acknowledge that I was right when I predicted that your hair would lighten up. It is, especially when daylight hits it.
Nicknames: "Girlfriend" and "babes."  Although, you might think your name is "no touch!" Seriously, stay away from outlets and the oven.

EAT

Bananas and blueberries are your faves - although neither are as great as CHEESE. I would complain but I'm just thankful you aren't lactose intolerant like the rest of your dad's family. Chicken, turkey, bread, berries, broccoli, cheerios, and basically anything you can eat with no teeth is what is on the menu for the day. You still will not let me spoon feed you, so meal time is ultra-messy and very slow. Miss Independent, anybody?

SLEEP
Welp. I knew we had it too good. You turned ten months old and turned your 7 pm bedtime into 8 pm. Not a big deal - it actually works out because then your daddy gets to spend more time with you when he gets home. He loves it. But now you are constantly getting up to party in the middle of the night and omg you won't stop sticking your fingers in your daddy's ear and crawling on his face and trying to give me your wubby because hey, you don't need it because you are wide awake and mommy let's play and hey look at this book and what do you mean it's 2 am and no sleep no sleep no sleep okay let's go back to sleep. The thing is, we don't know when this one to two hour party of yours will hit. 11 pm? 2 am? 4 am? I think maybe it is because you are teething, but I can't be sure. Either way, I am looking forward to you sleeping 12 uninterrupted hours again.

LIKES

Paper. Which you played with all of Christmas Eve. You don't even rip it - you just play.

Picnic basket. Put things in, take things out. Repeat as necessary.

Gymboree. Obviously climbing over everything is the best, and watching the other babies is the second best.
Dump truck. Ponies in a dump truck, ponies dumped. Repeat as necessary.
Helping with doggy. Every time I ask if you want to let the doggy outside with mommy, you crawl as fast as you can into my lap, I carry you to the door and put you on the floor, and you sit patiently as you watch me get Miranda ready to go outside. Sometimes you wave to her, and then you go back to play. If I'm doing anything else with her - like grooming her - you watch in complete fascination. You love that dog. God help the person that comes between a girl and her dog.
Makeup. I sit on the floor next to your toys while I get ready for the day so I can watch you while you play. But instead of playing, you sit on the floor and go through my makeup bag. Same items every morning, and still totally entertained. You especially love watching me curl my eyelashes and put on mascara, which prompts you to stand up and try to help me do it. Totally a mommy's girl.

DISLIKES
Crib. Pack and play. Basically baby cages. You play in your crib while I take the world's fastest shower in the morning, but not without your wubby. The pack and play? Forget it. It's crammed with new toys from Christmas and you still won't let us put you down in it. You point to the toys from the other side of the mesh, but the minute you think I'm putting you in there, your cling to me and scream. Not sure what that is about, since you used to play in there all the time while your dad and I ate dinner.
Veggies. And here I was, telling everyone that would listen, including your pediatrician, how much you liked veggies and even preferred them over fruit. Boy did that change. If you see anything even remotely green on your high chair tray, you push it away. The books say that you are too young to have aversions to certain foods. They are liars.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS

Christmas Eve morning, and you started pointing to everything. 

Pointing. To everything. I mean seriously, to objects and colors and pictures and totally blank spaces. To objects in the book you hold upside down. To me when I'm holding you. To things on the ceiling. Sometimes to things you want. Sometimes to invisible things. You are obsessed. The first time we realized you were pointing on your own was on Christmas Eve morning, while you were sitting in bed with your daddy and he was reading a book to you. You kept pointing to the random things on each page, and while I was working at my desk your daddy got my attention to watch you go. Look, I know this isn't like a huge milestone, but I was (am) really, really proud.
Standing on your own. And you smile the whole time.
Step and a leap. That's about as far as you can walk unassisted. Step once, maybe twice, maybe three times, and jump/leap/fall into someone's arms. As Anna from Frozen would say, "it's like a crazy trust exercise."

Waving two different ways. Months ago, I tried showing you how to wave your arms to greet someone or say goodbye because I thought it would be easier than opening and closing your hands to wave. But you went straight into opening and closing your hands. I haven't showed you how to wave with your arms since. And then, one day, you just started waving with your arms like crazy - and now you do it when people are not paying attention to you. You wave to people as if to say, "HEY!!! I'M OVER HERE!!!"
Baby sign language. I can't really take credit for this one - your grandma has taught you a few things while she babysits you. Thankfully you don't use it around me because I have no idea what anything means.
Understanding commands. Especially when I ask you to give me your wubby. You usually put a hand on it, give it two or three last sucks, and hand it to me or throw it on the floor (close enough).
Two teeth. Ok, this isn't really an accomplishment, but more like something that happened to you. At Christmas, we were talking about how you were going to be well beyond one year old when you finally got teeth. And then a few days later I noticed drool, a slight fever, and a baby who did not want to be put down. And although I couldn't see it, I could feel a tooth coming up. Then a couple days later, I could feel two. You are officially not a baby anymore (okay, yes you are, but wah - you are getting so big!).
Knowing your colors! From around the time you turned 3 months old, we go through you colors every day with your stackers. You love it - you sit patiently and wait for me to go through all ten colors on your toy. And I think it's starting to pay off. On New Year's Day, we were at your grandma's and we were playing with linkable toys. I asked you to show me which one the blue one was, and you grabbed it. I asked you which one was red, and you pointed to it. You haven't gotten those colors wrong since - now we just need to teach you other colors!

DEAR JORDAN

Dear boocakes,

Something happened this last month that I've been dreaming of since I was pregnant with you - your first Christmas. And, because this year was one of those rare years that your dad had both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off, we got to celebrate twice - once with my family, once with your dad's. The very first gift you opened on Christmas Eve was from Conner and Ben, and you helped rip it open with surprising talent. But from there on out, you basically played with paper while your dad or myself opened your gifts. While you were surrounded by a mountain of toys at my parent's house, you played with one piece of glitter tissue paper the whole time. You didn't eat dinner (even though I tried to feed you for hours) and played with, well, basically trash on the floor or walked around with the assistance of willing grandparents. You went to bed late and slept in your pack and play, under the watchful eye of my parents, while your dad and I went out to celebrate 8 years together (our de-facto dating anniversary). We crammed the car with so much stuff that we didn't have a single spot to bring home leftover food, which is basically a crime in a Filipino family. Kind of what I had in mind, kind of not. I must have been delirious when I thought you, a 10 month old, would unwrap each gift and swoon at each toy (in it's box, might I add). But it was perfect - I mean, even though I worried myself sick at your empty stomach and late bedtime, you had the time of your life. So much fun that you couldn't be bothered with food or sleep. You didn't want to miss a single second of your first Christmas experience (aka, the loads of wrapping paper, tissue paper, and walking laps around the house).

Christmas Day was more or less the same thing. We started off with gifts at home, church, and then off to your grandma's house. This time I had to literally run after you to unwrap each of your gifts, which you paid no attention to because you wanted to explore instead. You played with your cousins' new toys instead of yours, ate some food (thank God), and took a short nap. No obsession with paper this time. But your outfit was on-point (and your vest was also size 24 months. Um?). You went to bed exhausted and your dad and I put together each one of your toys that night. It took hours, multiple garbage bags filled with empty toy boxes, me breaking in my new screwdriver set, and an enormous amount of patience to put them all together/take them out of their packaging. You are so loved by each person who gave you each gift (read: spoiled).

You know how I know I'm a mom? Your dad and I were invited out to a party on New Year's Eve and we both looked at each other and knew we were staying in. We put you to bed, ate some buffalo wings, had some real adult conversation that we rarely get these days, and snuggled up with you until we finally threw in the towel around 11:30 pm. And it was perfect. The last thing I did in 2015 was kiss you on your forehead as you were sleeping. I told you that you were the best thing to happen to 2015. But really, you are the best thing to happen to me every day.

Love,
Mom

MONTHLY PHOTODUMP

Are you sure I'm 11 months?

Seriously?

Christmas tree picking

You can run around the coffee table, waving the remote in your hand, for hours (not really, but it seems like it!)

#messyhairdontcare

Lights at the zoo, New Year's Eve

Bundled up - multiple blankets, elf pj boots, fleece pants, long sleeves, winter jacket, and of course - leopard hat.

Picking out birthday books for your brothers

Spoiled much? And this was just one day. From us. We celebrated Christmas twice with two different families! 

From Conner and Ben - your first Christmas gift on Christmas Eve. 

All you would play with. 

Christmas morning

Christmas Day outfit - on point. 

FD hockey game

And last but not least - what you do when you are mad - fling yourself backwards! Love your dad's face here!

Two years with you. Two years without you.

Your second birthday.

It was going to be a mild winter this year. Except today, the temperature plummeted. It reminds me of the record breaking winter you were born.

At some point every day, I find myself staring at an empty space - by the couch, near my desk, by the bed. Up the stairs.  I imagine two little boys playing together. I see two little boys running up to me, showing me their toy trucks. I can practically feel you running into my arms and hear the knocking of the toys you are still holding while I scoop you up and kiss your little heads.

And then, just like that, I snap back into reality and the image is gone.

But you are here, somehow. I hear you both laughing. I hear you both whining to be picked up. I hear you screaming in delight over something funny that has happened. I feel your light, your hope, your love.

Just the other day, your grandmother told me that she knows you angels are still working, and that you still send her signs.

I don't find dimes much anymore, but I do when I need them the most. It is like you know when I need you. But I see the signs all the time. I see you in your sister. I see you and feel you whenever there is happiness. I know that you did that. You evoked that. Only you boys can bring healing to this heart, and you bring that daily.

I feel guilty, sometimes, that my days aren't consumed with you anymore. I don't blog as much. I haven't reached out to the baby loss communities in months. I spent mere minutes planning your second birthday outing and dinner compared to the months of planning I spent on your first birthday. But I carry you everywhere with me, every minute of the day, and you have shaped me for the better.

Today we are going to the bookstore for new books to read to you and going to dinner with our families to celebrate you. We donated to an animal shelter (the one that your aunt sadly had to leave her dog at) in honor of you. Your aunts are making preemie hats for the hospital, and one of your aunts is even teaching an enrichment course to her students so that they can make the hats, too. Your aunts and grandma got a great idea to put your names on pens with the saying "tiny moments, lasting memories" and we will be leaving them everywhere. Hopefully your names will spread around the country.

You still spread joy and love. We miss you not just today, but every day.

Love you to the moon and back,
Mom

*edit: we got a dime tonight. Bought a last minute birthday cake. Total was $21.91. Cashier gave us a dime back.

Cancelled.

FET cycle cancelled. Instead scheduling surgery to get rid of yet more crap in my uterus.

Why can't anything be easier?

Yes, I'm having a pity party today but I think I deserve one, right?

I have 7 waiting. I cannot explain the need I feel to get them RIGHT NOW. Remember, Jordan used to be one of them.

2016

via Google

Twenty-sixteen. I have no idea what my future holds.

Last year (ha, that seems weird - that was technically yesterday) brought me so many blessings when I thought I would never be happy again. My daughter was born. Everyday with her is a gift. I was still able to keep the memory of my boys alive while also parenting a baby here on earth. My mom's cancer went into remission. My husband and I shared in countless memories that included selling our home, putting an offer on a new one, going on trips and vacations, and celebrating yet another year together. My life feels whole, although there is still a hole in my heart. It seems conflicting, but it is real. I miss my sons, not just every year or with every milestone - but every day. But at the same time, they are always with me and every day I am so grateful that they ever happened to me in the first place.

This year will see Jordan's first birthday, us moving into our "forever" home, a family vacation with my parents, and maybe another baby (which will mean I will have had babies in 2014, 2015, and 2016 - whew!). But there is still so much that worries me. Tim's work injury. My dad had a biopsy and I'm praying it is not cancer. The fact that I am gaining weight like crazy and wtf is going on (okay that last one is really stupid, but yes, it is bugging me).

Twenty-sixteen. I have written about how I did not know if I was going to keep writing here. It has been such a gift to me to be able to write about my boys, and then subsequently my daughter, on this blog. It has been by far the most therapeutic thing I could have ever done. But I have already decided that I know I can move forward with my life, and keep my boys in my heart, without writing here anymore. And, because I am a super planner, I have already decided when my last blog post will be. And it's coming up soon.

If anyone is still reading this, happy new year - I hope it brings you love, light, and joy.