KETCHUP

So many things... where to start?

1. We closed on our house and moved in with my brother in law. 
2. Ironically found our "forever home" the day we closed on our house. Offer accepted! We hopefully move in January. Including the finished basement, it's over 4,000 feet of space for our kids to grow up. 
3. Jordan learned how to wave!
4. She's also RUNNING around holding furniture.
5. I have my master's degree in Theoretical Psychology! Will post results of study soon. 
6. Tim is going in for surgery consults. Thankfully it is supposed to be a low risk surgery. 
7. It's snowed twice here, and it all reminds me of my boys and of bringing Jordan home. 
8. I desperately need a spa day. I don't even look like me anymore. 
9. New obsession: New Girl is hilarious. 
10. Went in for an FET consult today! Depending on lab results, I may have a transfer in January!!! (Yes I saved that for the end!) 

10 weeks

Celebrating 10 weeks with Baby C and the end of PIO shots!

It has been a struggle for me to acknowledge that all of this is happening, even after months of waiting for the FET cycle and the extreme want and almost need of getting pregnant.  But I think back of all the pictures I have of my pregnancy with Conner and Ben and how I carefully documented everything.  I don't regret it, and in fact it just means more to me because I will never have more pictures of them.  They will forever be frozen in time.  If I lose this baby, I would like to have pictures and mementos of the time that I had him/her.  If I get to bring this baby home, I'll be glad that I celebrated weekly milestones. So, here it goes....

How far along? 10 weeks!  1/4 of the way there! Keep growing little baby!
Total weight gain: Nada.  But please explain to me how I haven't gained an ounce but my jeans won't zip up???
Maternity clothes?  Nope. But my yoga pants tempt me everyday (and I don't do yoga).
Stretch marks? None (yet). But I am sure that Baby C will be a fat baby, and I'm waiting for the stretch marks to come.
Sleep: SO GREAT.  I've been sleeping like a rock.  And yesterday, for the first time in months, I did not set an alarm because I didn't have to get up at 6 am for a shot!
Best moment this week:  See above.
Miss Anything?  Sushi, poached eggs, and tequila. 

Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point:  With the boys, I was usually sick around 1 pm - horrible headaches and nausea.  I would usually have to lay down until dinner time and I'd barf about 2-4 times a day. This baby has me more fatigued and a bit nauseous, but no headaches.  I maybe only have to puke about 1-2 times a day.    Also with the boys I had horrible pregnancy acne, but this time around is hardly noticeable.  

Emotions:  I'll admit that this pregnancy has been a huge reminder of what I have lost.  I wake up every morning and say hi to Conner and Benjamin, but now its with strain and sadness.  I touch my belly and remember what it was like to have two in there. 

Difficulties this week:  Went in for prenatal screening Monday, results came in today - I have a bladder infection.  WTF. I was totally asymptomatic.  I know this isn't a big deal, but it is just one thing after another after another... enough with the infections already!!!! To some this is not even worth mentioning.... but as a baby loss mom with too much experience in the infection department, every little thing is freaking me out right now.
Movement: Supposedly little Baby C is moving around constantly, but of course it is too early to feel anything. 
Food cravings:  Chocolate.  Can't have it though, since dairy makes me sick. 
Symptoms: Fatigue and Nausea, nothing abnormal.  
Anything making you queasy or sick: Dairy for sure, which limits a lot of my food choices. It's especially hard because I am craving cheese and chocolate! 
Labor Signs:  Yeesh, no!
Wedding rings on or off? On.  Well, technically off. I only wear mine when we're going out somewhere. 
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Moody.  Bitchy, to be exact. 
Looking forward to:  Our next ultrasound in two weeks.  Little Baby C will look like an actual baby by then instead of a flattened froggy. 

Weekend Review and hello little froggy!

My weekend was wonderfully boring, which I love.  Tim had a bachelor party to go to on Saturday and I was feeling incredibly nauseous, so I took up residence on my couch and snuggled in with some fruit for dinner.  Later that night, I mentioned that I wanted a plain hamburger from McDonald's and low and behold, my husband came home early at 11:45 with a bag of McDonald's for me.  He snuggled in with me in bed instead of going to the next bar with the boys.  "What better way to spend a Saturday night than in bed with my wife?" he asked.  If that's not commitment, I don't know what is.

My Saturday night

As soon as I turned 8 weeks, I noticed that the pregnancy symptoms I had with Conner and Benjamin around 5 or 6 weeks were starting to manifest.  I'm not as nauseous as I was with them, but I'm definitely sticking to bland food now.  Pregnancy acne isn't awful, but I'm starting to notice it.  And the weirdest symptom I have ever had appeared over the weekend - my eyes hurt in the shower.  I can't even explain it... when I was pregnant with the boys, my eyes were sensitive when water hit my eyelids.  I was showering on Sunday and the same thing happened.  It was deja vu, but also weirdly soothing because I knew that any pregnancy symptom I had indicated that Baby C was still there.

On Sunday, Tim taught my niece how to properly kick a soccer ball and after ten minutes, she was a pro. I got to talk to my dad about my grandfather passing, which gave me a little peace. The rest of the day was spent couch surfing and contemplating what to have for dinner (salmon, rice, and veggies for me and Baby C, pasta and chicken for him).

Today I had my first ultrasound with my OB.  The ultrasound tech offered her sympathies about the boys.  I told her what happened and she was in shock.  She remembered my last ultrasound, saying that my uterus was high and closed and the boys were absolutely perfect. Lady, you have no idea how perfect.  I was almost in tears, but I was so glad that she wanted to talk about them.

And then little blobby was on the screen, with a perfect heart rate of 176 bpm.  Little blobby now looks like a flattened frog, so we are now calling him/her little froggy. The relief I felt when I saw that heartbeat is indescribable.  As soon as I heard it, I knew it was faster than last time.  Little froggy is squirming away and looks perfectly happy in its little squishy world.

A nurse I have never seen before took my history before the OB came in.  She asked me if this was my first pregnancy.  No, it wasn't.  It was my second pregnancy.  Did I having children at home?  No, I do not have children at home.  Were the boys a miscarriage or an abortion?

Fuck you, lady.  Read my chart. 

I was playing with my wedding rings and my ring I got for Mother's Day.  I didn't know how to respond to her.  Were those my only options?  They died, I said.  They were premature.  Oh.  How many weeks?  22.5 weeks.  Were they twins?  What gender were they?  How much did they weigh?

Cheese and rice.  She must be illiterate. 

Walking out the door, she poked her head back in the room and asked me if this was a singleton this time.  Yes.  She winked at me and said, "good."  GET OUT. 

I've never been so happy to have a nurse leave the room before.  My OB and I discussed a possible cerclage.  Ultimately, it is my decision.  We don't know if I need one, and placing one in if I don't need one is very risky (including a higher risk of infection, which is scary after losing babies to Chorioamnionitis).  But if I do need one... well, I better get one.  The big issue is that I had no symptoms of an incompetent cervix at all, but chorio and cervical incompetence often (but not always) coexist.  My MFM is also leaving this up to me.  I would go on and on about the pros and cons of the cerclage, but truth be told I am sick of thinking about it. I've been thinking about it since January and there are still no clear answers.  The few people I mentioned it to all seem to have opinions that I am not interested in, because they are neither doctors nor have they ever been in my position.  When did people start thinking they were qualified to give medical advice on things that they have never experienced themselves? And really, who wants to give medical advice?  I sure as hell don't.  I don't want that kind of responsibility.  Yet here I am... with a huge choice to make.  I have a little time to decide what to do.  Until then, I am hoping God gives me guidance on this.  Actually, I'm hoping he sends me a signed letter on what to do with this one.  I think it's incredibly unfair that I have to be in this position in the first place. My boys should be alive. Baby C should be waiting until next spring for a transfer and a safe pregnancy. 

Tomorrow I get my culture results.  We think the infection is back.  I'm trying my hardest to protect little froggy but this is proving itself to be very difficult.  

Can it be Saturday night again?  

No, these are not my hormones talking

I don't think it's a big secret that I'm a petite girl.  But I really hate it when people come up to me and say things like, "Well, you are so small anyway!  I'm don't think you could have carried twins!"

Um.

I did carry twins.  The size of your uterus has nothing to do with your weight or your height.  It has nothing to do with your BMI.  And while my boys certainly loved being lodged up in my ribs, my doctors agreed that I had plenty of room left when I gave birth.  Of course, I wouldn't explain that to the multiple people who have made comments on my size and how many babies I had been carrying.  Why not?  Because it's not of their fudging business (see what I did there? I'm trying to watch my mouth).

So they really shouldn't say crap like that to me.  It's pretty offensive, and quite frankly, sounds like they are blaming me for not carrying my twins to full term.

Wait... is it the hormones?

Bump pictures

Obviously, I came late to the blogging game.  I always contemplated it but never had a purpose for one until my Conner and my Benjamin were born.  If I had started this blog when I found out I started fertility treatments, or even when I found out I was pregnant, I would have posted those cute weekly bump pictures to my blog for everyone to see.

Don't mind the horrible lighting.  There was only one good place to take this picture in our whole house and depending on what time of day I took the picture, I either got great lighting or horrible lighting.  Did you know you can't use the flash on a camera if you have a chalkboard in your picture?  I didn't until I tried it.

So this is a bit late... but here we go...

I miss being pregnant, more than anything.  If I were still pregnant today, I would be almost 31 weeks. Conner and Ben's chances of survival would be extremely high.  We would have taken them home (after a long stay in the NICU, but hey... beats what actually happened to us).  I still touch my belly out of habit, still hold it to support it when I walk down the stairs, and still use my gigantic pregnancy pillow.  I have had phantom kicks (they are real) and I still pee like mad in the middle of the night as if Conner were still lodged low in my cervix and Benjamin were still kicking away like crazy on neighboring organs. It's hard to believe its been almost two months since this last picture was taken.  It feels like last week.  It has been the slowest and fastest two months in my life, simultaneously.  Until we meet again, baby boys.