Breaking radio silence: 26 weeks. Happy Thanksgiving!

Where have I been? Um, nowhere. At home. In my jammies. I've just seriously been busy being the most boring person on earth, so no updates... until today!

We painted the nursery... twice.  And by we, I mean my dad... and then some hired professionals. Long story short, we ended up painting it slightly darker because the first paint colors we chose made me want to vomit (literally - bright colors make my head hurt). Whoopsies.  Never trust me to pick out paint colors.  This always happens. Hundreds of dollars later, it is close to the color that I wanted. Luckily my husband has the patience (and the pockets) to put up with a crazy pregnant woman who cannot make up her mind.

Baby C - bump pictures in the newly painted nursery!  Please ignore the outlet - we are going to replace them.

I went to upload my picture of Conner and Ben at 26 weeks as a comparison... and it took me awhile to realize that I couldn't do that. So here is my picture with the boys the week of Thanksgiving last year. You can see all of Conner and Ben's bump pictures here.

And as a bonus - Tim's 26 week picture. He made sure to tell me that if I used this in my blog, I had to mention that he was purposefuly sticking his stomach out.  He's wearing work clothes to put up the crown molding in the nursery today :)

How far along? 26 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Baby girl can hear much better now, so I should probably knock off the cursing.  She is inhaling and exhaling amnionitic fluid and is growing rapidly - maybe over 1.5 pounds now and 14 inches.
Total weight gain: Up 10... although today is Thanksgiving so I'm sure that number will be much higher tonight.
Maternity clothes?  Surprisingly no.  I even found some size 1 jeans that still fit - granted, they are unzipped and I have to wear a belly band, but hell yeah!
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: None.  I wake up constantly to pee and around 3 or 4 am I usually am up for the day.  I guess Baby C is prepping me for what is to come :)
Miss Anything?  Missing my boys today.  I am most thankful for them.  I probably would have dressed them up as turkeys today.  I would have been that mom.
Best moment this week: Yesterday's ultrasound showed my baby girl puckering up - probably swallowing amniotic fluid, but it looked like she was blowing kisses.  OHMYBANANAS it was adorable.
Difficulties this week:  Well, my worst fears may be kicking me in the ass as of yesterday - my cervix is weakening.  Yesterday, my cervical length showed a 10mm drop (which is HUGE in 6 days).  My OB gave me emergency medication to take at home to stop contractions if I have them. I'm also on some restricted activity.  I go back to the OB on Monday for a repeat cervical check.  I am terrified that any day now, I will go into labor or my cervix will just give without contrations (incompentent cervix).  Baby girl only has a 70% chance of survival this early and the chances of long term issues are very high if she does survive.  I think it's fair to say that I am freaking. the. fuck. out.
Movement: You can see her going from a mile away!
Food cravings/aversions:  I hate almond milk, but I have to drink it since this dairy aversion is back with avengence.
Symptoms: Swelling. Peeing. Growing.
Looking forward to: Christmas.  If I can make it to Christmas, I'll be 30 weeks pregnant.  That is a HUGE milestone!  I'll start to relax if I'm still carrying this bundle on December 25th (and by relax, I mean be slightly less  - like 2% less - worried). At the same time, though, I am dreading Christmas without Conner and Benjamin.  Tim is also at the fire department on Christmas. It will be a bittersweet day.

Look at my little turkey nugget. 

25 weeks

Like my lopsided picture?  My camera wouldn't sit straight on the tripod :(

How far along?  25 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Baby is about 13.5 inches long and is about a pound and a half - although, this little nugget is probably a bit smaller.  She is growing more hair!  I hope she has mine...
Total weight gain:  My home healthcare nurse and I both decided not to go with my OB's scale anymore, since it is very dependent on what I am wearing to the office that day. My scale says I am up 9 pounds so far.
Maternity clothes?  Bought my first maternity dress last weekend for a Christmas party!  But still in my regular jeans.
Stretch marks? Itchy belly... not a good sign.... I'm watching for stretch marks!
Sleep: So. Tired.  I've been peeing like a champ at night and unfortunately waking my husband up in the process.
Miss Anything?  Soft serve ice cream.  Sushi. Poached eggs.  I have a list of foods to be delivered to my room the day Baby C is born.  Forget the baby gifts, I just want everyone coming with food!
Best moment this week: Baby girl is super strong - even with her anterior placenta.  She actually scared me the other night when she moved - she practically made my hand fly off my belly!
Difficulties this week:  My OB appointment was bumped up to yesterday since they are craming patients in before Thanksgiving.  Both OBs got called for deliveries yesterday, so I didn't get to see them.  I had a TON of question about Baby C's head... guess it will have to wait until next week.  Also - ultrasound tech forget to send pictures to my email/phone so no peak of baby girl this week :
Movement: Oh yes... I have a feeling she will be a tiny force of nature - Napoleon syndrome, maybe?
Food cravings/aversions:  Want. Ice. Cream. RIGHT NOW!  Also looking forward to Thanksgiving food.  I want some turkey smothered in gravy.
Symptoms: Just the swelling! It is slowly getting worse, but thankfully I have the greatest husband ever who rubs my legs every night.
Looking forward to: The nursery getting painted this weekend.  All of Conner, Ben, and Baby C's belongings are jam packed in my office and our master bedroom... and our dining room is crowded with giant furniture boxes.  I am starting to freak out over the lack of order in our house and I need everything to be in their rightful place!

Weekend Review: nursery sneak peak

Well, I did say I was going to go on a huge shopping spree once we hit 24 weeks.  Then we got that horrible growth scan.  I told Tim I changed my mind and didn't want to go.

Who are we kidding?  We went.  We didn't get anything "fun" - more like necessities.   We had about $700 worth of store credit from things we had returned after the boys passed away (all items with no meaning to us - we kept all their toys, clothes, and some other baby things).  Then I figured, hey, we will wait for the furniture - mostly because my bank account got hacked and I'm pretty broke. 

But then I remembered what happened when I went to go order furniture for the boys.  Buy Buy Baby had the furniture I wanted, but it was on back order for FOUR MONTHS.  Um. No thank you. So, I went to Babies R Us to order a different set of furniture there, and it turns out that cribs I wanted were discontinued.  It was just as well.  I was in the hospital the next day.  

Soooo... needless to say, with less than 16 weeks to my due date, my mom and I went to look at furniture at Buy Buy Baby.  I took a leap of faith that we could order furniture and we would actually put our baby in that crib.  It was hard.  The saleswoman kept asking me if I was excited, yada yada, and I was like "I'm getting there."  I'm excited, of course.  I love Baby C.  But I'm terrified, too. And we can't exactly return furniture. 

I was debating in between two sets of furniture, both similar but one was hundreds of dollars cheaper. Guess which set was the nicer one?  Of course, the more expensive one.  So I went to place an order for the cheaper (but still costly) furniture set.... and it's on back order for 16 weeks. I should have seen that one coming. Seeing as though that furniture wouldn't be here until after the baby was born, I mean, I guess I had to order the more expensive furniture... right? The crib and one dresser was in stock and the other dresser with the hutch is on back order for 7 weeks (not bad).  Luckily, we had coupons up the wazoo and the saleswoman took another 20% off a dresser.  I also happen to have an awesome mom who is paying for almost all of it (3 out of 4 pieces of furniture).  I still left with a hole in my pocket, though - and it burns. Totally. Worth. It. 

Sneak peak of Baby C's nursery.... her crib:

24 weeks and reflections on what 10 days means

Conner and Benjamin were born at 22 weeks, 4 days.  We were 10 days away from reaching the magical 24 weeks.  At the time of their birth, their chances of survival were 1%.  Today, their baby sister is just 10 days older than they were when they were born.  And yet, her chances of survival are 50%. It's the tipping point of life and death. If Conner and Ben had been born 10 days later, the nurses and doctors would not have been asking me if I wanted them intubated, or what kind of interventions I wanted them to take.  They would have taken them as soon as they were born and tried to save their lives.  Without asking.  Because they would have been that magical age of 24 weeks.

That is not to say that survival = quality of life.  I know if we had asked for our boys to be intubated at 22 weeks and 4 days, they most likely would been tortured before they died.  Had they survived, their quality of life would have been close to zero.  They probably would not have been able to read, speak, walk, talk, feed themselves... the list goes on.  At 24 weeks, Baby C has a slim chance of coming home without long term developmental and health issues.  Like I said, we still have along way to go.

But still, what a joke.  Ten fucking days?  Ten days and my boys woud have had a chance. I think of all the days of my life that I have wasted.  Now I realize what a big difference mere days make.

I have to remind myself, though, that having Chorioamnionitis made them sick.  Making it to 24 weeks may not have meant anything.  I had to let them go. It doesn't mean that I don't wonder what could have been.  Conner and Benjamin were big enough to be intubated, and no one thought they would be.  They lived for hours without any oxygen intervention.  They were (are) strong boys.

My sister-in-law reminded me the other day that being in heaven is not a punishment.  I have to keep telling myself that.

While I'm feeling so incredibly upset about not having my sons here, I have to be grateful that we are here at 24 weeks with Baby C.  She has been tumbling around, probably taking advantage of the fact that her big brothers made so much room for her to grow in my uterus.  We've come to realize that she loves story time to her brothers at night - she's the most active when we read.

How far along?  24 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Is apparently just over a pound now (although Conner and Ben reached that milestone earlier).  She is over a foot long and her lungs are developing :)
Total weight gain: Well, my scale says I gained one pound this week.  The doctor's scale says I gained a whopping three pounds.  Yeesh.
Maternity clothes?  I'm giving in and buying something this weekend.  It's time, Krystal, it's time.
Stretch marks? No, but my belly is itchy.... uh oh?
Sleep: Not. Good.  Last night I stayed up untl 2:30 am just thinking about how the boys' first birthday was around the corner.  I also got up to pee about 27 times.
Miss Anything?  being able to wear socks without my calves swelling!
Best moment this week: Waking up today, still pregnant
Difficulties this week:  Today was Baby C's follow up growth scan.  If you remember from her 20 week A/S, her head was measuring in the 10th percentile.  Now her head width is in the 4th percentile.  It might be genetics.. it might not.  I'm not sure what to think.  We will repeat the growth scan in three weeks, and at 28 weeks we will begin monitoring her twice weekly to make sure that she is getting nutrients and oxygen from the placenta. If this is the case... we are looking at emergency delivery. I almost broke down right there in the doctor's office.
Movement: Acrobratics up in here!
Food cravings/aversions:  We had pancakes for dinner last night. PANCAKES.
Symptoms: Oh you know, just the ever expanding belly.
Looking forward to: We were going to go baby shopping Saturday.  Now I don't know if I feel up to it.. I just wish I knew her head was okay :(

She was waving at us today :)

Weekend Review: the start of a change

Well.  This happenned.  We are obsessively testing out paint colors for Baby C.  I have to admit, I cringed when Tim started to throw paint up there on Conner and Benjamin's walls.  Their nursery is a place for me to go and think about them and well, cry.  It's a quiet place with no distractions, just a room filled with my baby boys' things.  And now it is going to change.  I am happy we are at this point where we can finally start to feel comfortable planning for baby girl, but ugh... why couldn't we have a spare bedroom in this house???

Today is Conner and Benjamin's 10 month birthday.  HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!  I mean, it was just a few weeks ago that I was holding them in the hospital and kissing their little foreheads... right?  I feel like we just came back from their memorial.  Where has the time gone?  But again... I remind myself... one month closer to seeing them again.  

Dear Conner and Ben,

I went shopping with your grandma a few days ago for your baby sister.  It was something very familiar to me - shopping with my mom and shrieking over the cuteness of baby clothes.  I found myself wanting to inch towards the baby boys' section and buy you things, but I managed to keep my distance.  I used to think that the girl's section was so much cuter than the boy's section.... but now that I'm shopping for your sister, I believe its quite the opposite.  I mean... she wouldn't look as cute dressed up as a dinosaur. 

I feel okay today.  I had orange juice for you, and later I'll buy you new books.  I bought an orange juice for your daddy to have tomorrow, since today he is working at the FD. It's a busy day, but all I want to do is crawl under the covers and stare at your pictures.  As time goes on, I realize that everyone wants us to "move on."  I don't believe in that. We are moving forward, but we are bringing you with us.  You will never be replaced, and we will always, always, be missing you and thinking about you.  I don't care if its your first birthday, or tenth birthday, or I'm 90 years old and looking back on my life.  You boys will always be in the forefront, not the back, of my mind. 

Happy birthday, baby boys. 

Love, 

Mom

23 weeks

How far along?  23 weeks.  Thank you all for your support in getting me through last week.  It means so much to me that people care so much.
What's happening with  baby? Baby girl's sense of movement is developed. She is about the size of a mango (which I've been having for breakfast this week). She can hear well, which means that I need to knock off the dirty words.
Total weight gain: +1 from last week, for a total of 6
Maternity clothes?  Nope. I've come to the point now where I'm refusing to buy them because it's hoodie season, and hey, that works.
Stretch marks? Nope. Please stay that way.
Sleep: I usually wake up now around 3 or 4 am and can't go back to sleep.  Yay?  Maybe I should take advantage and just start my day that early and get a ton of stuff done!
Miss Anything?  Eggs over easy.  Soft serve ice cream. Sushi.
Best moment this week: We made it past 22 weeks. Only 1 week to viability.
Difficulties this week:  I thought it would be easier once we got past 22 weeks and 4 days.  But now everything is bittersweet.  She will be doing things that Conner and Ben never got to do.  I never got enough time with my boys.
Movement: Still a pro
Food cravings/aversions:  Dairy aversion is starting to subside. I'm eating everything in sight. Last night, we made porkchops for dinner with rice and veggies.  Then two hours later, we went out to eat second dinner.  I had chicken pot pie and a piece of french silk pie.  And I could have eaten more, too.
Symptoms: Swelling and acne is back. But other than that, I feel pretty good.
Looking forward to: My dad is painting her nursery in a couple of weeks.  I have reservations about this, though.  I sat in the boys' room and looked around and realized I'd have to take the puppies off their walls.  I'm thinking of taking them down and making a scrapbook of them so we still have them. Tim reminded me that there can be puppies on beaches, so I plan to keep two puppies on the wall with Conner and Ben's dresser.  It's their room, too.

We finally got 3d pictures of this little girl during the OB appointment today.  Her hands were still in front of her face (like Ben), but she moved around enough for us to get a good look at her.  I think she looks like Conner!  Which means she looks like me. I'm not going to post the pictures here, though - most of you know the 3d pictures sometimes turn out super creepy and we haven't showed our family yet, either. But baby girl is doing well and we are going to pick up paint samples for her room/the boys' nursery today.  Hopefully I'll be posting her upate next week - viability!  Also, if anyone has a suggestion on what else to call "viability" - I'm all ears.  I hate that word.  "I have a viable business plan" - not "I have a viable baby."

Weekend Review: Flashbacks

via pinterest

January 7th, 2014.  22 weeks and 1 day. It is one of the coldest winters on record.  Snow covers everything. Another snowstorm is about to hit. It is the day after my birthday.  I am at home, watching tv. I'm watching Despicable Me 2, a birthday present from my husband.  The minions remind me of the two little boys who will soon be joining us. Tim is at the fire department on a 48.  I won't see him until the 9th.  I am pregnant with twin boys.  I start having contractions.
Halloween, 2014. 22 weeks and 1 day. I am pregnant with my baby girl.  I am driving to pick up gourmet cupcakes for when my niece and nephew come by.  And it is snowing. I'm sure parents and children alike sighed in contempt, but I drove along, smiling the whole way. The snow gets heavier the closer I get to home. Is that you, boys?


January 8th 2014. 22 weeks and 2 days. I am admitted to the hospital.  I expect to go home soon, and Tim promises to buy me a strawberry shake on the drive. Then they wheel me into a room with a fucking baby warmer, and I know it is going to all be over soon.
November 1st, 2014. 22 weeks and 2 days. I wake up and the snow has stuck to my car overnight.  The day wears on.  I go to bed early.  I wake up around 4 am, but not for the first time tonight.  I haven't felt baby girl in awhile.  I run my hand over my stomach, trying to wake her up.  Kick, punch, wiggle.  There she is.  I try to get her to move more. Leave me alone, mom, I'm sleeping. Tonight I am still pregnant.  I am not in labor.  My baby is alive.

January 9th, 2014. 22 weeks and 3 days. My last full day with my boys.  I am still pregnant.  I finally agree to having an epidural, after being in labor for days.  The only reason I agree is because I do not want to be in physical pain during the short time I will be able to hold my babies.  That night, one of the boys' water starts leaking.  We don't know whose. We call our pastor at 4 a.m.  He comes right away, and stays with us until after the boys are born.
November 2, 2014. 22 weeks and 3 days.  We go to church this morning, as usual.  Pastor comes up to us and sincerely says, "God be with you today."  He has a look on his face.  He looks sad.  What is today?  I open up the bulletin for today's service. It is All Saint's Day.  Conner and Benjamin's names, along with 14 others, are listed as the faithfully departed. Special prayers are said for them today.  My eyes fill with tears as Pastor announces their names.  "The little babies, Conner Sullivan...Benjamin Sullivan."  A chime is rung after each name.  Later, he gives the sermon. He addresses each of the 16 faithfully departed.  "And the most heartbreaking of all, Conner and Benjamin, taken after just 23 weeks of life."  I see the man in front of me shake his head.  Tim and his sister are crying.  So am I.

January 10th, 2014. 22 weeks and 4 days. Conner is born at 11:27 a.m.  I hold him.  He breathes.  He hiccups. Benjamin is born at 11:43 a.m.  He breathes.  His hands always find his face. They are baptized in my arms the minute they are born as our pastor, our doctor, and our nurse cry with us.
November 3rd, 2014.  22 weeks and 4 days. I wake up this morning, and Baby C is squirming away.  Stay with me, baby girl.  I'm going to raise you to know all about your brothers.