Well. This happenned. We are obsessively testing out paint colors for Baby C. I have to admit, I cringed when Tim started to throw paint up there on Conner and Benjamin's walls. Their nursery is a place for me to go and think about them and well, cry. It's a quiet place with no distractions, just a room filled with my baby boys' things. And now it is going to change. I am happy we are at this point where we can finally start to feel comfortable planning for baby girl, but ugh... why couldn't we have a spare bedroom in this house???
Today is Conner and Benjamin's 10 month birthday. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! I mean, it was just a few weeks ago that I was holding them in the hospital and kissing their little foreheads... right? I feel like we just came back from their memorial. Where has the time gone? But again... I remind myself... one month closer to seeing them again.
Dear Conner and Ben,
I went shopping with your grandma a few days ago for your baby sister. It was something very familiar to me - shopping with my mom and shrieking over the cuteness of baby clothes. I found myself wanting to inch towards the baby boys' section and buy you things, but I managed to keep my distance. I used to think that the girl's section was so much cuter than the boy's section.... but now that I'm shopping for your sister, I believe its quite the opposite. I mean... she wouldn't look as cute dressed up as a dinosaur.
I feel okay today. I had orange juice for you, and later I'll buy you new books. I bought an orange juice for your daddy to have tomorrow, since today he is working at the FD. It's a busy day, but all I want to do is crawl under the covers and stare at your pictures. As time goes on, I realize that everyone wants us to "move on." I don't believe in that. We are moving forward, but we are bringing you with us. You will never be replaced, and we will always, always, be missing you and thinking about you. I don't care if its your first birthday, or tenth birthday, or I'm 90 years old and looking back on my life. You boys will always be in the forefront, not the back, of my mind.
Happy birthday, baby boys.
Love,
Mom
You might think I'm nuts (plus it might not "go" with C's nursery) but what if you made pillows from the boys' curtains? They could be a used as a soft comfy spot for reading books to their sister and them. You might have to get extra fabric but the stars especially would be very sweet, since they are watching down on you. That way a part of their nursery will always be there.
ReplyDeleteThat is an amazing idea!!! I think I'm going to do that! Thank you so much - I'm so happy you mentioned turning the curtains into pillows :)
DeleteI can't imagine how hard it must be to change the boys nursery. So many memories, good and bad. And I don't like when people say to "move on" or "get closure." I don't think you ever do either of those things, you just incorporate the losses in to your life, and, as you said, bring them with you. Sending you wishes for peace and light as you move ahead in this journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you :) I'm so sorry you are in the position to understand what I mean, but I am glad that I am not alone
DeleteI can't even imagine painting over the boy's room. That just seems unimaginably hard. Maybe there is a hidden corner you can leave un painted with the new stuff? That way Conner and Ben can be there in Sissy's room too. I also love AHH Gma's comment about pillows or something! Seriously, such a great idea!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Boys!!!!!! XOX (I know I am a day or two late, I'm sorry!!!)
I think we're going to leave their belongings in the room, as well as their baptismal certificates and pictures. And thank you :)
DeleteI really love this -"we are moving forward, but we are bringing you with us." So true.
ReplyDeleteNever forgotten - Conner, Ben, Colton
DeleteThat must be hard! Happy birthday to your boys.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jessah
DeleteI feel the same way... Everyone expects me to 'get over it'... Sorry but I cant... Losing two and a suspected third and people want me to get over it? To me thats like forgetting them... Forgetting Conner and Ben and all of the other angels that I've come to adore... And I just cant do that.
ReplyDelete