January 7th, 2014. 22 weeks and 1 day. It is one of the coldest winters on record. Snow covers everything. Another snowstorm is about to hit. It is the day after my birthday. I am at home, watching tv. I'm watching Despicable Me 2, a birthday present from my husband. The minions remind me of the two little boys who will soon be joining us. Tim is at the fire department on a 48. I won't see him until the 9th. I am pregnant with twin boys. I start having contractions.
Halloween, 2014. 22 weeks and 1 day. I am pregnant with my baby girl. I am driving to pick up gourmet cupcakes for when my niece and nephew come by. And it is snowing. I'm sure parents and children alike sighed in contempt, but I drove along, smiling the whole way. The snow gets heavier the closer I get to home. Is that you, boys?
January 8th 2014. 22 weeks and 2 days. I am admitted to the hospital. I expect to go home soon, and Tim promises to buy me a strawberry shake on the drive. Then they wheel me into a room with a fucking baby warmer, and I know it is going to all be over soon.
November 1st, 2014. 22 weeks and 2 days. I wake up and the snow has stuck to my car overnight. The day wears on. I go to bed early. I wake up around 4 am, but not for the first time tonight. I haven't felt baby girl in awhile. I run my hand over my stomach, trying to wake her up. Kick, punch, wiggle. There she is. I try to get her to move more. Leave me alone, mom, I'm sleeping. Tonight I am still pregnant. I am not in labor. My baby is alive.
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January 9th, 2014. 22 weeks and 3 days. My last full day with my boys. I am still pregnant. I finally agree to having an epidural, after being in labor for days. The only reason I agree is because I do not want to be in physical pain during the short time I will be able to hold my babies. That night, one of the boys' water starts leaking. We don't know whose. We call our pastor at 4 a.m. He comes right away, and stays with us until after the boys are born.
November 2, 2014. 22 weeks and 3 days. We go to church this morning, as usual. Pastor comes up to us and sincerely says, "God be with you today." He has a look on his face. He looks sad. What is today? I open up the bulletin for today's service. It is All Saint's Day. Conner and Benjamin's names, along with 14 others, are listed as the faithfully departed. Special prayers are said for them today. My eyes fill with tears as Pastor announces their names. "The little babies, Conner Sullivan...Benjamin Sullivan." A chime is rung after each name. Later, he gives the sermon. He addresses each of the 16 faithfully departed. "And the most heartbreaking of all, Conner and Benjamin, taken after just 23 weeks of life." I see the man in front of me shake his head. Tim and his sister are crying. So am I.
January 10th, 2014. 22 weeks and 4 days. Conner is born at 11:27 a.m. I hold him. He breathes. He hiccups. Benjamin is born at 11:43 a.m. He breathes. His hands always find his face. They are baptized in my arms the minute they are born as our pastor, our doctor, and our nurse cry with us.
November 3rd, 2014. 22 weeks and 4 days. I wake up this morning, and Baby C is squirming away. Stay with me, baby girl. I'm going to raise you to know all about your brothers.
Ugh, this made me cry. Every time I read your posts I worry. It's sad that now every time I hear about someone getting pregnant or see someone pregnant that I expect the worst. Keep growing, Baby C!
ReplyDeleteAnna
I know that feeling. It is like pregnancies turn into this time of anxiety instead of excitement. I think it is normal. Thanks for the support!
DeleteNothing I can say will make your heart ache less. Just know that I am praying for your entire family that you find the strength and courage you have shown thus far to continue on this journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Sometimes its nice that people acknowledge that words can't help, but just knowing people are there supporting us means the world!
Deleteso simply written, still made me cry... sending love up to Connor and Benjamin today, and sending love to you and Baby C
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kate :)
DeleteSo very moving. Thank you for sharing these moments, parallel with each other, as if we were walking down this path with you. I can imagine the nervous state you must be in, and I want to let you know that I'm with you, we're with you. Should you ever need to talk, ping me for my cell #. I just want to hug you so bad right now. I know it's not a word I love hearing, but you are a strong woman. Your boys are carrying you through these tough days, and I really want to thank you for sharing them with us. I'm sure their sister will love them for always, just like you do.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I think as time goes on, it gets harder to share them with everyone - I'm beginning to realize that some people don't think of them as "real" and I feel like I need to protect them. But everyone reading my blog has been such a great support, including you!
Deleteoh man, this made me weep. thinking about you, always. xoxox
ReplyDeleteThank you, Morgan. I hope you are doing well. Catching up on your blog shortly!
DeleteOh Krystal, I am crying for you too and for Conner and Ben. I am sure that these days must be very difficult. Please know I am thinking of you and your family so much and sending you love.
ReplyDeleteAs always, thank you Chickin! Thinking of you and your appointment tomorrow.
DeleteMy heart breaks for you. I couldn't stop crying after reading this. I know your boys will give you the strength to get through this. Thinking of and praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Deborah. I know you are right, and Conner and Ben will get us through this.
DeleteThank you for sharing such difficult memories. Thinking of you on this difficult milestone.
ReplyDeleteThank you :)
DeleteThank you, Carrie. I do hope they watch after her all the time.
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