24 weeks and reflections on what 10 days means

Conner and Benjamin were born at 22 weeks, 4 days.  We were 10 days away from reaching the magical 24 weeks.  At the time of their birth, their chances of survival were 1%.  Today, their baby sister is just 10 days older than they were when they were born.  And yet, her chances of survival are 50%. It's the tipping point of life and death. If Conner and Ben had been born 10 days later, the nurses and doctors would not have been asking me if I wanted them intubated, or what kind of interventions I wanted them to take.  They would have taken them as soon as they were born and tried to save their lives.  Without asking.  Because they would have been that magical age of 24 weeks.

That is not to say that survival = quality of life.  I know if we had asked for our boys to be intubated at 22 weeks and 4 days, they most likely would been tortured before they died.  Had they survived, their quality of life would have been close to zero.  They probably would not have been able to read, speak, walk, talk, feed themselves... the list goes on.  At 24 weeks, Baby C has a slim chance of coming home without long term developmental and health issues.  Like I said, we still have along way to go.

But still, what a joke.  Ten fucking days?  Ten days and my boys woud have had a chance. I think of all the days of my life that I have wasted.  Now I realize what a big difference mere days make.

I have to remind myself, though, that having Chorioamnionitis made them sick.  Making it to 24 weeks may not have meant anything.  I had to let them go. It doesn't mean that I don't wonder what could have been.  Conner and Benjamin were big enough to be intubated, and no one thought they would be.  They lived for hours without any oxygen intervention.  They were (are) strong boys.

My sister-in-law reminded me the other day that being in heaven is not a punishment.  I have to keep telling myself that.

While I'm feeling so incredibly upset about not having my sons here, I have to be grateful that we are here at 24 weeks with Baby C.  She has been tumbling around, probably taking advantage of the fact that her big brothers made so much room for her to grow in my uterus.  We've come to realize that she loves story time to her brothers at night - she's the most active when we read.

How far along?  24 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Is apparently just over a pound now (although Conner and Ben reached that milestone earlier).  She is over a foot long and her lungs are developing :)
Total weight gain: Well, my scale says I gained one pound this week.  The doctor's scale says I gained a whopping three pounds.  Yeesh.
Maternity clothes?  I'm giving in and buying something this weekend.  It's time, Krystal, it's time.
Stretch marks? No, but my belly is itchy.... uh oh?
Sleep: Not. Good.  Last night I stayed up untl 2:30 am just thinking about how the boys' first birthday was around the corner.  I also got up to pee about 27 times.
Miss Anything?  being able to wear socks without my calves swelling!
Best moment this week: Waking up today, still pregnant
Difficulties this week:  Today was Baby C's follow up growth scan.  If you remember from her 20 week A/S, her head was measuring in the 10th percentile.  Now her head width is in the 4th percentile.  It might be genetics.. it might not.  I'm not sure what to think.  We will repeat the growth scan in three weeks, and at 28 weeks we will begin monitoring her twice weekly to make sure that she is getting nutrients and oxygen from the placenta. If this is the case... we are looking at emergency delivery. I almost broke down right there in the doctor's office.
Movement: Acrobratics up in here!
Food cravings/aversions:  We had pancakes for dinner last night. PANCAKES.
Symptoms: Oh you know, just the ever expanding belly.
Looking forward to: We were going to go baby shopping Saturday.  Now I don't know if I feel up to it.. I just wish I knew her head was okay :(

She was waving at us today :)