Fish Bite Moonbeams: October 2015

Before we even knew there were two

I feel like it's always there, whether I realize it or not. I can be totally happy one minute, and the next I'm ready to cry my eyes out. That lump in my throat.

I was in the car with my SIL today, telling her about my research on perinatal grief. We got to talking about how losing Conner and Ben might have been different from people who lost their babies say, at one month old, six years old, etc.

It is totally different.

And it is completely the same.

I would never say that losing Conner and Ben is the same experience as losing an older child. If I lost Jordan, that would be a different experience than losing her brothers. But it is the same.

As a mother, once you are pregnant, those babies are yours. You love them, you want them, you take care of them, you have dreams for them. You build your whole future for them. And if you lose those babies, it's not like you never had them. You did. In my case, my boys were handed to me, breathing and living, and then they were gone. No matter how long I had them for, those were still my babies. It was no different, my SIL said, than if she woke up the next morning and did not have her kids anymore.

But that concept is really hard for other people to understand. The experience of losing Conner and Ben so early is different than later losses, but that love is the same. I lost two babies who were, who are, very real.

I could feel that lump in my throat right then, and I wanted to cry. But I swallowed it. I didn't know why I was so emotional - because I was touched that my SIL was so understanding of all of this, or because I missed my boys so much and I rarely get to express that anymore. Probably a bit of both. But, in a way, that feeling was comforting. I am blessed with a wonderful family and happy life, but I do not want to lose sight of what was lost. I love that I can talk about the boys and feel happy when I think about them. But at the same time, I don't ever want to be so far from this loss that I cannot feel it anymore. My boys are a part of me and they have shaped me in so many ways. They are the best things to happen to me, but their deaths were the worst. And while I feel nothing but love and happiness when I think about them, sometimes I just want to be able to grieve.

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”

― Leo Tolstoy

8 MONTHS

Weight: A little over 16 pounds (16.2), which means no changes from last month
Length: About 26 inches (measuring myself is tougher than it looks, squirmy)
Head: Um. Your headbands fit better.
Clothing size: Still in 9 months, although I find you quite frequently need 12 month pants - but only because baby leggings are SO TIGHT!!! You hate changing clothes now, and you wish you were naked.
Eye color: Who knows these days? I think predominantly grey, but sometimes green. Sometimes brown.
Hair: PIGTAILS. As if you couldn't get any cuter.
Nicknames: I say "boocakes" so much that you might be beginning to think that is your new name. Babyboo is still going strong as well.

EAT

Your new favorite food? Puffs. I don't blame you, they are good. You especially like the puffs that taste like veggie dip and are finger shaped. Well, they're my favorite, anyway. I admit I sneak some when you're eating them! You feeding yourself is just about the cutest thing ever, next to your pigtails.

SLEEP
We may have started a bad habit... when we went on the cruise, you were sleeping in our bed with us. I just hated you sleeping in a pack and play because I didn't think it was soft enough. Plus, you just had a tougher time falling asleep on vacation. You didn't want to miss a single thing. When you were in bed with us, you slept soundly. So we would get all the pillows and blankets away from you, and your daddy pretty much didn't sleep because he was watching you all night. Now, whenever you get up at say, oh, 5 am (something that only started happening once we came home from vacation), we bring you to bed with us for another hour or two. Once you realize that mommy and daddy are not going to get up, you go to sleep, too. Never fails. But, yes, I should probably stop putting you in our bed.You sleep, but we don't. Daddy watches you in bed, and you are so busy kicking me that I wind up staying awake, too. It's just so freaking cute. You roll over and touch your daddy's face, then roll and snuggle with me. You fall asleep for a minute, wonder if your daddy is still there, and then roll and touch his face. Then you think, wait, is mommy still here? Then you roll to touch my face. Pretty soon you've got one hand on each of our faces and then you fall asleep. I wish someone could record this for us, but it'd be pretty weird to have someone in our room at 5 am.

LIKES
Puffs. You could seriously eat these all day, every day.

Baby pools. Took some getting used to, but then you realized that pools are your jam. Plus, you look so cute in baby swimsuits.

Peekaboo. All day, with whoever will play with you. You especially love it with your cousin E, and when you play at church pretty much everyone looks for the giggling baby.

Pumpkins. You love to try to lick them, and even when they don't taste good, you keep going back for more.

"ew...."

Fruit. Our main waiter on the cruise always brought fruit out for you. I would let you lick and suck on it during dinner. Then on our last night of the cruise, you took a big chunk out of the fruit. I watched to see what you would do (with paramedic daddy right there), and you chewed and swallowed. Then took another bite. My God, I thought. SHE'S NOT A BABY ANYMORE!!!

Singing. Well, listening to me sing. More notably, The Wheels on the Bus, Old McDonald, and If You're Happy and You Know It. We have to sing these songs so much, we start making up words (The Jordan on the bus goes "hi! hi! hi!"; "and on that farm he had a frog! e-i-e-i-o!")

DISLIKES
The ocean. This broke the heart of your mommy, who planned your ocean nursery with love. I think the waves were just too scary that day. They were just about pushing everyone over and you were terrified. Maybe next time? All the more reason to go on another cruise!

A very unhappy Jordan

"MOM!! NO!!"

Shower stalls. Bought an inflatable tub to bring on the cruise. Blew it up. Stuck it in the shower stall. Popped you in the tub. You screamed. I ended up holding you, every day, in the shower, while daddy basically hosed you down with the shower head.

Getting your diaper changed. This is new. Haven't heard you scream about this since you were a newborn. Only singing "The Wheels on the Bus" will get you to lay still long enough to change your diaper.

Changing clothes. UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH. I think your brothers have a onesie that says "I love being naked" somewhere. I think it's time to find it for you.

Nurseries. Tried dropping you off twice on the cruise. The first time was just for an hour, for a trial run. We picked you up and you were sobbing. The second time was on our 4th wedding anniversary so we could see a comedy show. It was during your bedtime. Dropped you off. No tears. You were only like 20% awake. They gave us a phone. I watched it like a hawk, hoping they wouldn't call to tell us we had to come get you. The opening act came on, and he was hilarious. We got a couple drinks and relaxed. The main act came on. Ring, ring, ring. And we went to go get our boocakes. By the time we made it up there, your face was red and swollen from crying. Right in my arms you went, and you were laughing. Smart girl, you are.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Feeding yourself. Puffs, of course. I'm not brave enough to give you the spoon yet.

Pulling yourself to standing. Well, holding onto my hands. But still. This could be one of your favorite things.

Understanding "no" and other words in general. This doesn't mean that you always listen. Sometimes you hear me say "no," and smile - then quickly go back to doing whatever it was that I said not to do.

Crawling. You technically started doing this last month, but now you are super quick. You're trying to crawl with your belly off the ground, and you always start in that position. You rock back and forth before finally giving in to gravity and army crawling

High fives. You give them to everyone on command, and daddy is so excited to have taught you that!

DEAR JORDAN

Dear boocakes,

This month was a lot of learning and exploring, for both you and for me. You learned how to crawl better, stand stronger and longer, and feed yourself. You learned to understand words. You went apple picking, pumpkin picking, and on your first big vacation. I learned that you need to learn how to share (you don't do so well with sharing with your cousin P), so I really need to be a better example of that, and that I seriously need a nap. But we have started to explore the world together, something I've always wanted to do with my kids.

We made it through our first big vacation with you. Your first plane ride, your first cruise, your first beach, your first trip to the nursery, your first big girl bite of food. We brought you home and you seemed so much bigger. Of course, you weren't, but we learned so much more about you while we were in the Caribbean.

You handled traveling to Florida like a champ. We woke you up to change your diaper and get you in the car at 4 am. You were so happy. Like, hey, mom and dad are finally on my schedule! Then every chance you got, you would turn to me in the car with your eyes super wide and a half-sleepy smile on your face. An adventure! We got to the airport with just enough time to get through the monster security line (we caught it just in time for them to whisk us away to a new security line, which without it we would have never made the plane). You made it through security (good job not packing any pointy objects, Jordan), nursed well at the airport, and then fell asleep just as the plane was taking off. Upon waking up, you were happy to watch the world out the window and watch the tiny tv on the seat in front of us. You fell asleep as we were landing. We made our way to the hotel, ran some errands (who can resist an Old Navy?), and you fell asleep right on schedule. Day one, down. Bring it on, day two.

The cruise ship itself was amazing. We went on the Oasis of the Seas, the largest cruise ship ever made. There were tons of things for you to do - Dreamworks parades, meeting Dreamworks characters, baby splash zones, making your own stuffed animals, open play areas for babies, a carousel, and your very favorite - the ice show. You couldn't take your eyes off the ice skaters. I'm really excited about this, because we can sign you up for ice skating and I get to put you in pretty, glittery outfits.

The beach was another thing, though. You hated it. I had daydreamed about putting your feet in the ocean since before you were born. We finally got to do it, and you screamed. You cried. We finally gave up, and you were super happy to sit in the shade on a beach chair and people watch. I'm not giving up on the ocean just yet, though. We've already booked our next cruise.

We had a different kind of vacation. Lots of keeping baby occupied, adjusting to ship schedule, lathering you up in sunscreen, adjusting the rayshade on your stroller, and taking care of baby without the comfort of home. We couldn't do excursions, drop you off at the nursery, or eat dinner without a little girl trying to get all of our attention. But it was a better vacation. We smiled more. We watched you explore the ship in wonder. Everyone on the ship was in love with you. Seriously. People knew your name. Not many babies or kids were on the ship since it was the beginning of the school year, and the people who work on the cruise lines go months and months without seeing their own children. So, you were royalty. And you ate it all up. You made friends in the open play areas in Adventure Ocean. You soaked up the sun and water on the pool decks. You snuggled up all day, every day with mommy and daddy.

And then the plane ride home was a disaster. But let's not talk about that.

I learned one big lesson this month during our vacation: we can do anything with you. I got sick with first few days (norovirus?), your dad was still injured, and we somehow made a great vacation out of it. And I think it was because you make us so happy, and we love making new memories with you.

Here's to many more.

Love,
Mommy

MONTHLY PHOTODUMP