Infant Loss Awareness Month, Healing, and Moving

via Google

Ah, my neglected blog.

A few days ago, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month began. Like last year, I fully intend to immerse myself in Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief. Also like last year, instead of posting every day I will probably post every few days with multiple subjects. I am so thankful for this project, as it brings me back to this space to write and reflect about my boys. I am desperate for this time to write about them, as I feel as though I am moving so far from them.

Forgive me, though, as these posts will probably come late. I am frantically catching up with work, trying to finish my master's degree this month, and running after a very mobile Jordan. And I am doing this all while packing up our house.

We got a full price offer on our house. We jumped on it, of course. Our lawyer signed papers for us while we were out of the country. We close in four weeks.

I am so many conflicting emotions about this. We moved into our current home because Tim had residency requirements when we got his new job at the FD. We had to live in this city for 5 years, and we pretty much came kicking and screaming. We had just built our first home along the river, and a month after moving in Tim got the call from the FD with the job offer. He had to take it. So, as we were still unpacking, we put our brand-new house up for sale. We spent almost two years building it and only lived in it for 10 months.

So ever since we moved into our current home, I've been dreaming of leaving it. And now we are. We flew back home from vacation today, I walked into our home, and an overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me. While this was our second house, this was really where we built our lives together. Our first home saw our engagement, us bringing home our puppy, and then saw us leave. Our second home, the one we are in now, has seen so much more. It was our home when we got married. We had three kids in this house. It was where I planned not one, but two nurseries. It was the only home Conner and Ben (sort of) lived in. It was where family and friends brought food, hugs, and love when Conner and Ben died. We brought Jordan home here. We had Christmases here. Birthdays. Thanksgivings. I started my blog here. Four years here, and endless amounts of love has been shared in these walls.

We haven't found a new home yet. Well, that's not true. We did, and lost it to another offer. That's a long story... I'm really too heartbroken to get into it. But I know our forever home is waiting for us. I just hope we find it soon.

Moving on. Moving forward. Moving out.