Beach Nursery Reveal: Remembering Conner and Ben

One of the promises I made while holding my boys was that I would never use their nursery for another baby.

I kind of had to take that one back. 

We simply didn't have the space to dedicate another room to Baby C (now Jordan).  While I was so excited to plan a nursery for a little girl, I had a hard time seeing the navy blue paint disappear in the boys' room.  I had an even harder time taking all of their things and reorganizing them to be put away.  

So I designed a nursery for three.  At first glance, it looks like a pretty beach nursery for a little baby girl.  But if you take the time to really observe the room, you can see how Conner and Benjamin are everywhere in it. It is, after all, still their room.  They just have to share :)

There is a spot in the nursery, behind the glider, where the light blue paint chipped and you can see the boys' navy blue underneath.  I never did fix that, and I never intend to. I think it chipped for a reason.  

So, finally, here is Jordan's nursery reveal. It only took me four and a half months to post this, hahahaha.  Whoops. 

Also, you can see the boys' old nursery here. 

No Wake Zone - get it?!

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Starfish

Conner and Ben's stuffed animals

Conner and Ben's dresser, filled with their things

Left: Shells from our California trip after the boys died. 

Middle: sand and shells from our Bermuda trip, our "babymoon" before our FET with Jordan

Right: Aloha Waikiki candle, the place we were taking our sons for their first birthday

Background: Lyrics to Godspeed by the Dixie Chicks, played at the boys' memorial

Love you to the moon and back, always

Forefront: Precious Moments, "Safe in the arms of Jesus"

A suncatcher given to me by a dear friend for Conner and Ben

If you want to know how much I love you, count the waves in the sea!

Caribbean candle, where Jordan will take her first long vacation!

Wind chime for Conner and Ben

A few of these are scattered through her room from different beaches we have gone to. This one is from CocoCay, Bahamas.  Picture of the beach taken in the early AM before anyone was there, sand and shells from that beach. 

 From Carly Marie at Project Heal

"Because someone we love is in heaven, there's a little bit of heaven in our home"

Weekend Review and update at OB: picture review

Thanksgiving
Food. Family. Not much to share... missed the boys this year.  Read them a Thanksgiving book.  I am most thankful for them. Two pictures sum up our night:

Movember is over, mustache is gone!

Yep.  

Nursery
There is a dresser in baby girl's room now.  Unbelievable.  How have we gotten this far?

Now all we need to do is put the crib together... and wait for the other dresser and the hutch that are on backorder.  Oh yeah, and put a baby in the room. 

Miranda knows she isn't allowed in the nursery, so she pushes her limits by putting two paws in.  

Christmas decorations
Christmas threw up in our house this weekend.

You can't see it, but the star says: Conner and Ben's first Christmas

Two blue owls for the boys and three reindeir for all our babies are among the newbies on our tree. Also, turns out our tree is bigger than we thought - it barely fits in that corner!

No mantle, so they are on the ceiling.  Baby C's stocking is inside mine until next year :) 

OB UPDATE
Good news: Cervix is holding steady and actually gained 2mm since Wednesday.  OB does not think this is incompetent cervix - rather, since I'm nearing the third trimester (whoa), my cervix is naturally starting to wear a bit.  Baby girl is doing well, and we have our next appointment next Thursday for her third growth scan.  OB also told me that he just saw a mother who is 6 weeks post-partum today. Her baby's head was measuring in the third percentile (Baby C is currently in the fourth).  But, now her baby is 6 weeks old and her baby's head is in the 36th percentile.  OB said it was not unusual for a baby's growth to catch up very quickly once they are born.  That gives me a lot of hope!

Hi all! 

The Sacred Project

Over the summer, I participated in The Sacred Project.  497 baby loss mothers were chosen to share their pictures of their most sacred space: It is a short film that will be available online tonight at http://thesacredproject.com/. I have not seen it yet, so I do not know what to expect.  If you would like, please stop by the website to view it! 

Breaking radio silence: 26 weeks. Happy Thanksgiving!

Where have I been? Um, nowhere. At home. In my jammies. I've just seriously been busy being the most boring person on earth, so no updates... until today!

We painted the nursery... twice.  And by we, I mean my dad... and then some hired professionals. Long story short, we ended up painting it slightly darker because the first paint colors we chose made me want to vomit (literally - bright colors make my head hurt). Whoopsies.  Never trust me to pick out paint colors.  This always happens. Hundreds of dollars later, it is close to the color that I wanted. Luckily my husband has the patience (and the pockets) to put up with a crazy pregnant woman who cannot make up her mind.

Baby C - bump pictures in the newly painted nursery!  Please ignore the outlet - we are going to replace them.

I went to upload my picture of Conner and Ben at 26 weeks as a comparison... and it took me awhile to realize that I couldn't do that. So here is my picture with the boys the week of Thanksgiving last year. You can see all of Conner and Ben's bump pictures here.

And as a bonus - Tim's 26 week picture. He made sure to tell me that if I used this in my blog, I had to mention that he was purposefuly sticking his stomach out.  He's wearing work clothes to put up the crown molding in the nursery today :)

How far along? 26 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Baby girl can hear much better now, so I should probably knock off the cursing.  She is inhaling and exhaling amnionitic fluid and is growing rapidly - maybe over 1.5 pounds now and 14 inches.
Total weight gain: Up 10... although today is Thanksgiving so I'm sure that number will be much higher tonight.
Maternity clothes?  Surprisingly no.  I even found some size 1 jeans that still fit - granted, they are unzipped and I have to wear a belly band, but hell yeah!
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: None.  I wake up constantly to pee and around 3 or 4 am I usually am up for the day.  I guess Baby C is prepping me for what is to come :)
Miss Anything?  Missing my boys today.  I am most thankful for them.  I probably would have dressed them up as turkeys today.  I would have been that mom.
Best moment this week: Yesterday's ultrasound showed my baby girl puckering up - probably swallowing amniotic fluid, but it looked like she was blowing kisses.  OHMYBANANAS it was adorable.
Difficulties this week:  Well, my worst fears may be kicking me in the ass as of yesterday - my cervix is weakening.  Yesterday, my cervical length showed a 10mm drop (which is HUGE in 6 days).  My OB gave me emergency medication to take at home to stop contractions if I have them. I'm also on some restricted activity.  I go back to the OB on Monday for a repeat cervical check.  I am terrified that any day now, I will go into labor or my cervix will just give without contrations (incompentent cervix).  Baby girl only has a 70% chance of survival this early and the chances of long term issues are very high if she does survive.  I think it's fair to say that I am freaking. the. fuck. out.
Movement: You can see her going from a mile away!
Food cravings/aversions:  I hate almond milk, but I have to drink it since this dairy aversion is back with avengence.
Symptoms: Swelling. Peeing. Growing.
Looking forward to: Christmas.  If I can make it to Christmas, I'll be 30 weeks pregnant.  That is a HUGE milestone!  I'll start to relax if I'm still carrying this bundle on December 25th (and by relax, I mean be slightly less  - like 2% less - worried). At the same time, though, I am dreading Christmas without Conner and Benjamin.  Tim is also at the fire department on Christmas. It will be a bittersweet day.

Look at my little turkey nugget. 

Weekend Review: nursery sneak peak

Well, I did say I was going to go on a huge shopping spree once we hit 24 weeks.  Then we got that horrible growth scan.  I told Tim I changed my mind and didn't want to go.

Who are we kidding?  We went.  We didn't get anything "fun" - more like necessities.   We had about $700 worth of store credit from things we had returned after the boys passed away (all items with no meaning to us - we kept all their toys, clothes, and some other baby things).  Then I figured, hey, we will wait for the furniture - mostly because my bank account got hacked and I'm pretty broke. 

But then I remembered what happened when I went to go order furniture for the boys.  Buy Buy Baby had the furniture I wanted, but it was on back order for FOUR MONTHS.  Um. No thank you. So, I went to Babies R Us to order a different set of furniture there, and it turns out that cribs I wanted were discontinued.  It was just as well.  I was in the hospital the next day.  

Soooo... needless to say, with less than 16 weeks to my due date, my mom and I went to look at furniture at Buy Buy Baby.  I took a leap of faith that we could order furniture and we would actually put our baby in that crib.  It was hard.  The saleswoman kept asking me if I was excited, yada yada, and I was like "I'm getting there."  I'm excited, of course.  I love Baby C.  But I'm terrified, too. And we can't exactly return furniture. 

I was debating in between two sets of furniture, both similar but one was hundreds of dollars cheaper. Guess which set was the nicer one?  Of course, the more expensive one.  So I went to place an order for the cheaper (but still costly) furniture set.... and it's on back order for 16 weeks. I should have seen that one coming. Seeing as though that furniture wouldn't be here until after the baby was born, I mean, I guess I had to order the more expensive furniture... right? The crib and one dresser was in stock and the other dresser with the hutch is on back order for 7 weeks (not bad).  Luckily, we had coupons up the wazoo and the saleswoman took another 20% off a dresser.  I also happen to have an awesome mom who is paying for almost all of it (3 out of 4 pieces of furniture).  I still left with a hole in my pocket, though - and it burns. Totally. Worth. It. 

Sneak peak of Baby C's nursery.... her crib:

Weekend Review: the start of a change

Well.  This happenned.  We are obsessively testing out paint colors for Baby C.  I have to admit, I cringed when Tim started to throw paint up there on Conner and Benjamin's walls.  Their nursery is a place for me to go and think about them and well, cry.  It's a quiet place with no distractions, just a room filled with my baby boys' things.  And now it is going to change.  I am happy we are at this point where we can finally start to feel comfortable planning for baby girl, but ugh... why couldn't we have a spare bedroom in this house???

Today is Conner and Benjamin's 10 month birthday.  HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!  I mean, it was just a few weeks ago that I was holding them in the hospital and kissing their little foreheads... right?  I feel like we just came back from their memorial.  Where has the time gone?  But again... I remind myself... one month closer to seeing them again.  

Dear Conner and Ben,

I went shopping with your grandma a few days ago for your baby sister.  It was something very familiar to me - shopping with my mom and shrieking over the cuteness of baby clothes.  I found myself wanting to inch towards the baby boys' section and buy you things, but I managed to keep my distance.  I used to think that the girl's section was so much cuter than the boy's section.... but now that I'm shopping for your sister, I believe its quite the opposite.  I mean... she wouldn't look as cute dressed up as a dinosaur. 

I feel okay today.  I had orange juice for you, and later I'll buy you new books.  I bought an orange juice for your daddy to have tomorrow, since today he is working at the FD. It's a busy day, but all I want to do is crawl under the covers and stare at your pictures.  As time goes on, I realize that everyone wants us to "move on."  I don't believe in that. We are moving forward, but we are bringing you with us.  You will never be replaced, and we will always, always, be missing you and thinking about you.  I don't care if its your first birthday, or tenth birthday, or I'm 90 years old and looking back on my life.  You boys will always be in the forefront, not the back, of my mind. 

Happy birthday, baby boys. 

Love, 

Mom

The Nursery

Benjamin and Conner's nursery

I thought I would share this place with all of you.  I spent a lot of time in their nursery.  I sit in their rocker, where I would have nursed them.  I stare at their footprints on the wall and all of the things that they never got to see or touch.  I open their closet door and cry over the onesies they never got to fit in to.  Their nursery will always be theirs.  I made that promise to them in the hospital.  I will never make it into anything else.  It is my place to sit and think about my boys, away from any and all distractions.  Just hours before I was admitted to the hospital, I was at Babies "R" Us shopping for their nursery furniture.  The cribs I wanted were discontinued, so I walked out without furniture.  It was probably for the best.  I would have never been able to return their furniture if I had ordered it.  

I took these pictures the day I went to the hospital. It goes without saying that I was NOT going to use the same comforters/ sheets for my baby BOYS.  But I loved the furniture. I tried to order the crib with the solid panel behind it (one of the options of the crib).  It was discontinued. Dangit. 

Nursery theme: puppies and sports!

Their rocker, surrounded by their stuffed animals on each side.  The two pillows were made by Tim's mom. She had picked out the patterns before they were born and later gave me the pillows so I could have something to hold.

Tim made them their ladder shelf (which, he proudly told me, is the exact width of a regulation ladder and even sits at the proper angle).

Their 22 week sign still sits in the corner.  

My boys on their wall

New windows were installed a few weeks before they were born.  On this walls sits the lyrics to "Godspeed, Sweet Dreams."  The lyrics were handed out at their memorial.

My 2013 Christmas ornament sits on their doorknob.

Their closet was a work in progress.  I was going to tear out this closet organizer to put in a brand new one. On the floor sits the twin nursing pillow on the left, and their stroller still in a box on the right. 

The Baby Jogger City Select.  I searched for the perfect double stroller for months.  No joke.  I even returned one that I thought was THE stroller so that I could get this one.  Why is it perfect? See below:

Look at all it can do! I can't bring myself to return it, so in the closet it sits. 

Sully and Mikey, best buds

Next to their rocker are their baptism certificates, framed but not yet on the wall.

Shells we got for them while we were in California. My friend got me the candle for my birthday right after we got home from the hospital- Waikiki Melon.  It was a pure coincidence that Waikiki was where we planned to take them for their first birthday.  The turtle there projects stars on the ceiling.  It would have been their night light.  The poem on the right side of the turtle and the wind chime are a gift from my sister in law's colleagues.  It is engraved with the boys' names. 

Their toy shelf full of toys already!  Most of it is firefighter toys.  I also store their bottles, pacifiers, etc. in the baskets. 

Their footprints above their toy shelf

Those boots were used for our pregnancy announcement.  Beneath the boots sits our baby shower invitation that was mailed out right before I was admitted to the hospital.

We bought those dinosaur booties the day I found out I was pregnant.  Those pacifiers would have been their first binkys. 

That room will always be theirs.  Yesterday was their three month birthday.  I can't believe it.  We haven't even made it to their due date yet.  

Baby boys, I love you so much.