The end

Not really the end. But the end of me writing in the blog. I spent a long time debating on whether to keep writing, whether it was still necessary for my healing, and what time would be good to stop if there was an end. I no longer feel that I need to write about the boys constantly to help heal my heart. I've found other ways to honor and remember my boys. Doing good in their name, donating to those who are in need on special days of remembrance, and still reading to them every night help me feel close to them. And, just when I need them the most, I know they are here. They answer every prayer. They are never far from me. In addition, many of my blogger friends who have gone on this journey with me have also had their rainbows and I think we can all agree that finding the time to blog is challenging. I think many of my readers have not stopped by this blog in awhile, either, and I don't blame them. It took a dramatically different turn with the birth of my little girl. I love the little community we made and I will always check in on my blogger friends, my TB friends, and my BC friends. But the time has come to say goodbye to this blog. I would rather write a good-bye post then neglect it until I no longer wrote in it. I decided the best time for me would be when I received my pregnancy test results from my embryo transfer in February.

But before I get into all that, there's a lot to catch up on :)

We took Jordan to the Shedd Aquarium for her birthday. She loved every second of it. This girl is obsessed with fish and water. She can even say "hi fish!"  She loved watching penguins waddle in front of her, different fish swim around in the water, and the kids area where she splashed and played and basically threw a mini tantrum when I finally had to take her away from it. I thought for sure I would cry on her first birthday, but I didn't. The day was full of excitement and fun. Of course, Jordan had no clue it was her birthday.

Note to self: this can entertain her for hours. 

Sweet home Chicago

SO MANY FISH!!!

We moved into a wonderful new home the day after her birthday, where my husband promptly took to renovating as much as he could in two weeks. We moved into the house one week before Jordan's birthday party, and you can probably imagine how exhausting it was cleaning, unpacking, and putting the detail into the house to make it look and feel like home before we hosted a party for 50. It was so worth it. My dream was to have her first birthday party at home surrounded by friends and family.

Ever since I found out she was a girl, I stayed up late planning her first birthday party. She was due March 5th, but I secretly hoped she would come February 28th so I could throw her a Winter ONEderland. She was born right smack in the middle of February and I've been designing and going pinterest crazy ever since. Excuse the kitchen, we still plan on updating the cabinets/counters/backsplash in good time.

Hot Chocolate Bar, complete with a hot chocolate machine we have used several times since the party. One of the best purchases I've ever made. 

I love spending outrageous amounts of money on extraordinary cakes. Sugar is my Achilles heel. 

We were surrounded by so much joy and love that day. Everyone was there to celebrate our little miracle, and the day was full of laughter, hugs, and, well, noise. If I can sum up her party in one word, it would be LOUD. Kids running around, laughing, playing, good friends catching up with each other, family surrounding us, and of course, Miranda barking in the backyard. But to hear that noise fill up our house and bounce off the walls was like music to my ears.

Birthday babe. After she snapped her headband off, of course. 

Jordan loved watching everyone in her house so much she didn't nap. She acted like being sung to was no big deal, and once I tried to show her how to blow out her candles, she tried doing it too. In the end, I accidentally blew them out for her while showing her how to do it. Whoopsies. She was confused about her cake, tentatively taking a finger or two to the frosting before finally bringing some to her mouth. Then she gagged on it and I took it away. Oh well. There is always next year :)  - and yes, I already know the theme!

Jordan was diagnosed with a heart murmur at 9 months that sounded innocent, but after her 12 month check up her pediatrician wrote a script for her to get an echocardiogram. I scheduled it for the day after my embryo transfer, so of course those two days were mixed with excitement and anxiety. Jordan did surprisingly well for it. I mean, we did bribe her with (organic) fruit snacks, multiple renditions of "The Wheels on the Bus," and let her watch her favorite video of a Disney Love Medley (which never fails to put her to sleep or calm her down). I cried listening to the song, thinking of how long the echo was taking and thinking that it would destroy me if anything was wrong with her. The tech asked us if we had any other kids. We said we had two year old boys at home. He commented that it must be very busy at our house. We just smiled. The tech finished up and said, "when you guys come back, they have wagons you can put her and all her stuff in so it's easier to travel." He then brought some toys for Jordan and both Conner and Ben to take home. And all I could think was that he said, "when you guys come back." What did he see? Well, it turns out, nothing. The pediatrician's office called with great news - normal, healthy heart - innocent heart murmur. Thank God.

Now, onto my boys - the very reason this blog exists.

There is a song that reminds me of Jesus, as well as the promise that Conner and Benjamin are in heaven. I won't post all the lyrics here, but you can google it if you would like. If you're Catholic, you might have heard this in church. It is called "All That is Hidden." There are a few lines that speak to me the most.

If you would follow me,
follow where life will lead:
Do not look for me among the dead,
For I am hidden in pain, risen in love;
There is no harvest without sowing of grain.

All that is hidden will be made clear.
All that is dark now will be revealed.
What you have heard in the dark
proclaim in the light;
What you hear in whispers
proclaim from the housetops.

Do not look for me among the dead. I certainly do not think of my boys as dead. They are gone from this earth, but they live on. We, along with our family and friends, strive to do good in their names and remember them at special holidays and occasions. Their names are on our mantle, we write their names in the sand whenever we go on vacation, their footprints and pictures grace our walls, and we will continue to celebrate their birthdays every year. I still cry when I think about them, but not often. I try to remember that their lives should be celebrated and that their legacy is not grief. Those boys can still serve a purpose on this earth. I hope by me writing here on this blog, some of you reading have found comfort in your own losses. I know that my loss could have destroyed me, but it didn't. I know that good can come from heartache. Our boys could not be saved, but I pray that other babies can be. Our team for the March for Babies grows smaller every year, but we will keep walking regardless. Over the past years we have raised almost $20,000 for premature babies. Maybe in the coming years we won't bring too much in, but every little bit helps. 

Every once in awhile, I will ask my boys for a favor. Sometimes big, sometimes small. Sometimes for patience when I feel like screaming, sometimes for someone else to have patience with me, or for bigger things like asking for their sister's heart to be healthy. They have never failed me. I know they are our guardian angels. I know they are here, watching my type. I know that they lead us to all good things. I can only hope that each day, I can make them proud. I know that we will be reunited with them again someday.  Until then, I hold them in my hearts, write their names on our Christmas cards every year, say good morning to them every day, and pray for them every night. I love them wholly and tremendously.

To everyone who has followed this blog - from the beginning or intermittently, thank you for sharing in Conner and Ben's story. Thank you for praying for me and my family, for supporting us, for praying for my little girl when all sorts of things kept going wrong. Thank you for thinking of my boys, for believing that they were and are worthy of being loved, for participating in their Random Acts of Kindness, for donating to our March for Babies team year after year, for crying with me and crying for me. Thank you for sharing in my joy when Jordan was born, for keeping tabs on her monthly updates, and for just being there. I have made so many connections with so many of you - whether it be through our blogs, or through email, or the few of you that I have met in person and have become some of my very best friends. You will never truly understand how much you all mean to me. You were and are an integral part of my healing process, and it is not without hesitation that I stop writing in this blog. It really is like saying goodbye to a friend.

Forget-me-nots

I've also finished up my study on perinatal loss and religious coping. The results are actually quite interesting. If you would like access to the completed study and the results, please feel free to contact me at ctbmsullivan@gmail.com. Or, you can leave a comment here with your email address and I will contact you. 

Of course, before I write my last sentences here, baby number four (baby D??) is due November 11th. I am so much more relaxed about this pregnancy after delivering Jordan, and I know that this baby's older brothers are the best guardian angels ever. Also, I already have some pretty strong pregnancy symptoms (read: earlier and worse than with my previous pregnancies) and it makes me feel like this baby is here to stay. Oh, and beta 10dp5dt was 276 so... let's see if this embryo split...

6dp5dt, after getting the faintest lines ever on 5dp5dt. Jordan has no clue what is going on. 

We have 6 embryos left. Four are frozen in pairs and have been waiting for us since 2013. Two are frozen alone - one was Jordan's pair, refrozen in 2014. One was this new baby's pair, refrozen just weeks ago. I made a joke that IVF has worked for us 3/3 times, and that if we were going to go back for the other 6, we needed to build an addition on our house. I am so attached to those little snow babies, I cannot imagine not going back for all of them. I am especially attached to Jordan's pair, who I almost transferred with her, and felt like I was abandoning. I am sure when this new baby is born, I'll feel the same about his/her pair that was refrozen. Those two embryos were so close at being transferred, and I almost feel like I neglected them by having them refrozen. I feel like they sacrificed for their siblings to be born. That may sound crazy, but to those of you who have done IVF, maybe you understand. The ride is crazy, emotional, and often times lonely. My ride with infertility is not over yet, not until I have given all of those embryos a chance.

To those of you struggling with starting your family, never give up. Mine did not come easy or without tremendous loss. But here we are. It was worth it. I have three babies (and one on the way) and even with two of them in heaven, I can tell you that my heart is full of joy.

If any of you have instagram, you can follow me @krystalg930. Or email me. I love connecting with everyone!

I'll leave you with Jordan's favorite video :)

Home Sweet Home

Quick update... we finally closed on our forever home!

It was a crazy process. We put in an offer on a 95% completed short sale right before Thanksgiving- we happened to be the THIRD buyers on this house. Our bank would not proceed until we got the all clear as the new buyers from the seller's bank. Seller's bank took awhile, but we finally got approved shortly after Christmas. Seller's bank says we must close no later than January 28th, when the short sale approval expired.

And then our bank wouldn't give us a closing date. So we waited. And waited. And then on January 22nd, the proposed closing date, our bank gives us the clear to close. But they say we can close no earlier than January 29th.

So starts the bank wars.

Not really. But seller's bank was ready to drop the deal if we didn't close by the 28th. TRID guidelines (whatever that is) state that we need a certain amount of time after clear to close to actually close, and the 28th is too early. Back and forth, back and forth. Tim and I started to line up other houses to see because we were pretty sure we were going to lose this house. Our bank had until January 26th to let us know if this deal was actually going to happen. And on January 26th, sometime in the afternoon, we finally got the all clear to close on the 28th, at 3 pm, which was basically the LAST AND FINAL HOUR that the seller's bank would allow us to close without terminating the deal.

Sound boring? I mean, yeah, bank shit is boring. But we were on the edge of our seats for weeks.

Blah blah though, happy ending. We were originally just going to paint, replace the carpet, and refinish the hardwood in the house and then just move right on in. And then because my husband is, well, my husband, he walks through the house after closing and decides he is also going to remodel two of the four bathrooms, replace banisters going to the basement and upstairs (which he has never done before, oddly enough), etc. etc. before we move in. And our target move in date is the 13th, because I've already sent Jordan's birthday invitations out for the 20th - and her party is AT HOME. We are in way over our heads.

Tim also eventually wants to add a third car garage and a 600-700 square foot addition over the garage, making it our huge master suite. I mean, who am I to stop him? I love me some vaulted ceilings and he's promised to make me the bathroom of my dreams. That will make our house a 6 bedroom, 5 bathroom house and I'm trying to think of how to keep up with the housework. But man, am I excited! I'm trying to think of ideas on how to incorporate the boys into the house (pictures, of course, but anything else would be great - especially things we can look at and know its for them, without it being obvious).

Surgery is scheduled for Monday. I'm oddly looking forward to it, because they said that they'll knock me out and I should get a good nap out of it. I need one.

FET is scheduled for February 23rd.

It's going to be an amazing year.

Our first fire at the house, right after closing (complete with a large pizza and 17 samples of paint to throw on the walls)

Cancelled.

FET cycle cancelled. Instead scheduling surgery to get rid of yet more crap in my uterus.

Why can't anything be easier?

Yes, I'm having a pity party today but I think I deserve one, right?

I have 7 waiting. I cannot explain the need I feel to get them RIGHT NOW. Remember, Jordan used to be one of them.

KETCHUP

So many things... where to start?

1. We closed on our house and moved in with my brother in law. 
2. Ironically found our "forever home" the day we closed on our house. Offer accepted! We hopefully move in January. Including the finished basement, it's over 4,000 feet of space for our kids to grow up. 
3. Jordan learned how to wave!
4. She's also RUNNING around holding furniture.
5. I have my master's degree in Theoretical Psychology! Will post results of study soon. 
6. Tim is going in for surgery consults. Thankfully it is supposed to be a low risk surgery. 
7. It's snowed twice here, and it all reminds me of my boys and of bringing Jordan home. 
8. I desperately need a spa day. I don't even look like me anymore. 
9. New obsession: New Girl is hilarious. 
10. Went in for an FET consult today! Depending on lab results, I may have a transfer in January!!! (Yes I saved that for the end!) 

Weekend Review and Beta Number 2

 Not much to report here.  Got a much needed mani/pedi, did some research for my thesis, and hung out with the hubs.  Threw up some steak.  That was great.  Baby C has a strong personality already!

You can't tell, but a light pink heart is on each of my ring fingers for my boys. 

Miranda and "Red Ball," BFF.  She is clearly annoyed with my picture taking. 

Speaking of which, I got a very late phone call for beta results (leading me to believe beta decreased and they didn't want to tell me).  But good news, beta is up from 75.9 on Friday to 365!  Repeat on Wednesday. 

I've been anxious since my first beta.  I keep wondering how this pregnancy will end up differently.  I can almost feel this baby in my arms, but at the same time I am waiting for this pregnancy to be taken away from me at any second.  I'm still jealous of people who are pregnant, because they are so...perky.  And happy. And optimistic.  They're planning baby showers and buying cute and colorful baby things and I'm planning OB and MFM appointments to keep this baby alive. I am so blessed with this pregnancy, but the worry is crushing me.  I've been doing research for my thesis on pregnancy and infant loss and many women have reported symptoms akin to PTSD, depression, and anxiety in subsequent pregnancies.  I swear, I could be a case study.  This pregnancy is the biggest reminder of what I have lost.  At the same time, this pregnancy is the only thing that I am looking forward to.  Poor Baby C.  He/She has such a messed up mama.  

At my first beta appointment, I said "I hope I'm still pregnant today."  The nurses did not think it was funny.  I should probably shut my mouth and act like the perky pregnant women in the office instead.  

I don't mean to sound like I am complaining.  I wouldn't give this baby up for a second. But wouldn't it just be so great to have three kids at home instead of one?

Beta

It only seemed appropriate - Betta Fish

Beta came back at 75.9.  We have a strong little baby!  I go back on Monday for repeat beta. 

Which reminds me of a story.

A few years ago, I was teaching high school AP Psychology.  One day, there was a vase of flowers on my desk.  I had no idea where they came from, and no one would own up to it.  Eventually, the flowers died and I tossed them out, but I kept the vase on my desk.  Weeks passed with an empty vase on my desk, and my students took notice.  One day I walked into my classroom and there was a red and purple betta fish swimming around in that vase on my desk.  They wouldn't tell me who put it there until the day they graduated (not that I was mad, I actually thought it was hilarious).  It was the running joke for the last few weeks of school.  And I never did find out who left the flowers. 

Whenever I say beta, I think of that fish. 

Peeing on sticks like it's my hobby

On Monday, I was walking Miranda and talking to God.  Miranda and I were hustling because I could hear thunder and I knew there was a chance of storms in the area.  I told Him that I already loved this embryo more than I loved myself, and asked him to please give us this pregnancy.  I knew I tested early and got a negative test, but I knew with Him anything was possible and maybe the next day would bring different results.  Right when I finished saying all of this, a cloud parted and the sun came down right on me.

So I peed on a stick on Tuesday morning.  It was negative.

But then...

it turned into a very, very faint positive.

I didn't trust it.  So I decided to take another test that afternoon before I told Tim.  My husband came home not even an hour after I took that test, which was very unlike him.  Turns out, since I didn't text him that morning to tell him the test was negative, he figured out that he was positive. So, because he is probably more anxious than I am about this, he left work and drove home. He noticed that I opened the new box of pregnancy tests (which I denied being new, I told him that had been open).  He dug through the trash after I left the bathroom to see where the test was.  No test in the trash, so he knew I had it.

He stuck around for awhile but I wouldn't say a word about it.  I tested later that afternoon and it was positive again (!), but knowing he was on to me, I didn't say anything again.  Then he came home AGAIN to check on me, telling me he would buy me more tests if I would just take another test right now.  I told him no, I was waiting until tomorrow.  When the hell did my husband become a detective?

I finally caved when we were trying to figure out where to go for dinner.  I said, "I think you should take me out to dinner, because I'm pregnant!"  Oh, he pretended to be surprised.  He threw me up in the air (and I almost hit my head on the ceiling fan) and wouldn't let me go for a long time.  And then, of course, said, "I KNEW IT!"

I peed on these.  Left is from Monday's negative, middle two are the extremely faint ones from Tuesday, and right one is from Wednesday. 

Also, I saw my mom yesterday, who said that one of her tumors is gone.  We are so, so blessed.  She still has a long road ahead of her to get rid of the other tumor, but this is wonderful news.

I am calling this embryo "Baby C."  Conner was "Baby A" and Ben was "Baby B" while I was pregnant (that is how doctors name the babies in multiple gestation, with Baby A closer to the cervix).  Baby C is technically like a triplet to them, since our babies all are from the same "batch" of embryos.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for her and for our little embryo.  Thank you, God.  Thank you, Conner.  Thank you, Benjamin.

***PLEASE, IF YOU KNOW ME PERSONALLY AND HAVE STUMBLED ACROSS MY BLOG, WE ARE ASKING THAT YOU DO NOT SHARE THIS GREAT NEWS. WE WOULD LOVE TO TELL OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS IN A VERY SPECIAL WAY ONCE I AM FURTHER ALONG.***

Weekend review (and a really crappy Monday morning)

Seriously, am I pregnant or what???

Weekend was more or less like every other weekend.  On Saturday, we went to breakfast, cleaned the garage, went mini golfing, ate nachos for dinner. Tim laughed his ass off at me when I heard the ice cream truck coming down the street, demanded money from him, ran to the street... and the truck flew right past me.  He felt bad, he took me to the gelato/italian ice stand down the street. I think he still may be laughing at me.  Saturday was also my niece's 7th birthday, but they were going to Six Flags and I just couldn't risk going. I can't believe my nieces pieces is seven!  I just want to snuggle up with her and hang out with her all day.  So, hopefully I will be taking her out next weekend and spending quality time with her.  

It definitely needs some work... we need a pole barn, seriously. 

Remember this picture: beautiful out on Saturday afternoon

Miranda just played frisbee and took to the couch afterwards.  Haha at my reflection

Mini golf!  Tim beat me by one...

...probably because I got my ball stuck in this puddle

And then there was a flash flood. 

My mom is back in the hospital and we went to go see her.  My anxiety was sky high when we went there, because I just wanted all the visitors to shut up and let her sleep.  Luckily, when Tim and I left, everyone else got the hint and left as well.  I broke down in the car when we were leaving.  I think the stress of all of this is starting to break me.

We talked to a realtor this weekend and are starting to look for our forever home.  We are also looks for plots of land so Tim can build our house for a fraction of the price.  Exciting and stressful, definitely.  But we are taking our time.  No rush on this, but it can't hurt to start looking now!

Sunday one of my Bump friends came over, and turns out ordering food on a Sunday evening is not easy.  I ordered a pizza around 6:00 pm, and they said it would be delivered by 7:15.  I called around 7:50 to complain that it wasn't there yet.  They said it was out for delivery and would be there shortly. Then I called again a little after 8:00 and the "manager" said that he didn't even put the pizza in the oven yet.  What?!  I was pissed and cancelled the order. So we went to get tacos at this Mexican restaurant, which was closed.  Lame.  Then the pizza place called and said they were at the door with the pizza. Um, no, stupid pizza place, I canceled that order and I'm not home because we are SEARCHING FOR FOOD.  Turned out to be a McDonald's night.  Sorry Kate, lol.

Had a dream I was in the hospital with my mom.  Woke up and thought I was laying next to her.  I wasn't. So I cried.

Also, screw this morning because I took a HPT (5dp5dt) and it was a stark white negative.  This was the same time in my cycle that I got a very, very strong positive with the boys.  Now I know I had twins last time, but this time I expected to get at least a very faint positive if I was pregnant.

So, although it may be too early to do this, I am going to sulk in bed all day and watch movies and be angry at God and life.  

Embryo Transfer Day!

Finally touched the butt

I woke up at 4:00 am this morning, surprisingly wide awake.  I guess all the anxiety about the transfer today finally caught up to me.

Everything about the surgical center was familiar.  The chairs were the same, the staff was the same, the nurses were the same.  The nurses who were with me for egg retrieval and embryo transfer with Conner and Ben were the same nurses I saw today (minus a few).  The last time I left that place after transfer, I was pregnant with my two baby boys.  The nurse walking me back into the surgical room asked me if I had gotten pregnant off of the last cycle.  Yes, I had.  Did I have a baby?  No.  She said she was sorry. Why the hell did I tell her no?

We sat around for awhile waiting for the actual transfer.  We played checkers.  I took selfies.  Tim laughed his ass off at me.

When we found out we probably had an hour wait

"She's a stinker"

Just trying to make Tim laugh

Then it was time to meet with the RE.

I was pissed to high hell when I found out that our eight embryos were frozen in pairs (yet another reason why I will be switching clinics if this FET does not work).  This meant that even though we were only transferring one (to the dismay our of RE), we had to thaw two.  Our RE made sure to tell me that survival rate and implantation rate with an embryo that has been frozen, thawed, and refrozen were almost zero.  Most doctors say there is no chance, although our RE stated that he would "never say zero."  Our embryologist explained to me that both embryos thawed beautifully and if I wanted, I could refreeze the one we didn't transfer although that embryo would be last on our list of embryos to use, should I go through FET again.

I wholeheartedly believe that our eight embryos are our babies.  I look at pictures of my boys and I realize that they used to be one of those embryos.  At one point, all ten of them were housed together until we transferred Conner and Benjamin.  They were siblings.  I can't discard those embryos without feeling like I killed my children.  One of those embryos could have been Conner or Benjamin.  Thawing and throwing out an embryo that might have been one of the boys saddens me to my core.

We asked to transfer one and refreeze the other.

They gave me a picture of the two embryos that were thawed for today and let me touch the straw they had been in.  I almost started bawling right there, just from the fact that I knew one of them was not likely to ever have a chance to be a baby.  I am planning to donate those we may never use, but this poor baby... to be frozen, thawed, and frozen....it's chances are slim.

I won't lie, Tim and I talked about transferring two today.  Our OB would not say that we were not allowed to transfer two, but he was highly against it.  My plan is to try to carry one to term, and if that is successful, maybe my team of OBs and MFMs will be more open to transferring two next time.

While the actual transfer was taking place, I silently pleaded with God.  I wasn't much for words at the moment I guess, because all I could think was, "Please God, please God, please..."

And then it was over.  My RE said I had amazing lining and mucus (ha) that was ready for pregnancy.  Let's hope he is right.

The dish our embryo was in.  We still have ours from Conner and Benjamin... FET X2

Today, I am Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  Please little baby, stick. Boys, watch over this little embryo.  God, let this baby come home with us.

*edit: today I am Pregnant UNLESS Proven Otherwise.  Thanks Chickin.  I've been so pessimistic that I typed what I was thinking.  What a big difference one word makes!

Weekend Review: Father's Day and another sore butt

I knew this weekend was going to be exceptionally hard on my husband.  It was a Father's Day without our boys.  I asked Conner and Ben to be with us this weekend, and they showed us a sign that they were: a dime appeared in Tim's pocket.  I'm not sure if I shared this story before, but our pastor told us that finding dimes was a sign from heaven.  After the boys died, they started appearing everywhere - mostly places they shouldn't have been in the first place.  Tim checked his pants pockets right before he put them on.  Empty.  He checked them again an hour later.  A dime was in his pocket. Thanks boys!

Saturday we went to my parent's house for some bbq.  Tim and I have had bbq from a lot of different places and states, and my dad's bbq is still our favorite.  If you ask him what he puts on the ribs, all he will say is "oh, I don't know, a ton of stuff."  We saw my mom too, who is still sick but at least she is home.  We filled up their second fridge with smoothies for her.  For Father's Day, we got my dad, Tim's dad, and Tim's brother (Conner and Ben's godfather) a pocket watch engraved with the boys' names and a picture of them inside.  On the outside of the watch, we engraved: "In love, we are eternal."  My dad loved it.  I think he may have been more excited about it than the Kuerig we got him for Christmas.

That night, we went to the local race track where Tim and his brother spent a lot of time with their dad.  I was bored stupid but they had a good time so that is all that matters.

We called this my "breaking down barriers" pictures - I am the only non-white person at this track.  Get me out of here. 

So contemplative.

I just thought this was funny - giant inflatable guys

Once we got home, I had to take my very first PIO shot.  For those of you who have not done IVF/FET, PIO is progesterone in oil.  It is an intramuscular shot (ouch), administered through a 1.5 inch needle.  All my other shots up until this point have been subcue, and they put me on Crinone instead of PIO for my fresh cycle.  For PIO, the needle to draw it in is an 18 gauge.  Thank you Kate, for telling me that the 18 gauge is not supposed to go in my butt but rather we are supposed to switch it out with the 22 gauge after the PIO is drawn into the syringe.  That would have freaking sucked. Anyway... the aftermath?  Crying. Lots of crying.  A sore right side of my butt that went into spasms all of the next day and a girl refusing to take another PIO (which I begrudgingly did the next night anyway).

Sunday was church, breakfast, and high speed go kart racing for Tim, his dad, and his brother. Tim has wanted to go for years so I orchestrated an outing, and they had a blast.  I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

Caught him goofing off before they started the second race

I got Tim a personalized card with the boys' pictures, along with a personalized travel mug from the boys. The best part of his gift was inside the mug... two tickets to the NASCAR race in Bristol, which he has wanted to go to, oh, I don't know... his whole life? It was a race themed weekend!  We were both emotional, but I'm glad I could make him just a little happy for Father's Day.

Second PIO was on Sunday. Tim had to talk me into it.  The first one hurt so bad I was like screw this, I'm not taking it again, cycle canceled. I had a legit anxiety attack before the second PIO.  I haven't had one of those in awhile.  I am currently in bed, typing away with a heat pack under my ass.  I can't really walk well, which is prompting my nurse to have me come in to check it out.

Transfer is on Wednesday.  Let's hope this is all worth it.