You can't tell, but a light pink heart is on each of my ring fingers for my boys.
Miranda and "Red Ball," BFF. She is clearly annoyed with my picture taking.
Speaking of which, I got a very late phone call for beta results (leading me to believe beta decreased and they didn't want to tell me). But good news, beta is up from 75.9 on Friday to 365! Repeat on Wednesday.
I've been anxious since my first beta. I keep wondering how this pregnancy will end up differently. I can almost feel this baby in my arms, but at the same time I am waiting for this pregnancy to be taken away from me at any second. I'm still jealous of people who are pregnant, because they are so...perky. And happy. And optimistic. They're planning baby showers and buying cute and colorful baby things and I'm planning OB and MFM appointments to keep this baby alive. I am so blessed with this pregnancy, but the worry is crushing me. I've been doing research for my thesis on pregnancy and infant loss and many women have reported symptoms akin to PTSD, depression, and anxiety in subsequent pregnancies. I swear, I could be a case study. This pregnancy is the biggest reminder of what I have lost. At the same time, this pregnancy is the only thing that I am looking forward to. Poor Baby C. He/She has such a messed up mama.
At my first beta appointment, I said "I hope I'm still pregnant today." The nurses did not think it was funny. I should probably shut my mouth and act like the perky pregnant women in the office instead.
I don't mean to sound like I am complaining. I wouldn't give this baby up for a second. But wouldn't it just be so great to have three kids at home instead of one?
This pregnancy will be different for you through out...and if the nurses don't get that, then they really need to work on it. WOO HOO for still being pregnant!
ReplyDeleteAgreed. Thank you. I feel like maybe they forgot what happened which makes me even more mad!
DeleteLOL to Miranda and red ball, haha!!! Booo to the nurses and yaaaaay to the beta!!!!
ReplyDeleteHoly moly, that beta more than doubled - woohoo!! that is awesome. I remember not having any symptoms this early and wanted to throw something up to prove I was pregnant. You are not a messed up mama. You have been through a lot like the rest of us and while I hope to get pregnant like you, I am scared to death of how crazy my mind will get if it finally happens. Like how can I enjoy this when I know that the worst thing that can happen, can really happen. Ugh... It sucks. Keeping you in my prayers. Anna
ReplyDeleteThank you! I'm hoping that WHEN it finally happens for you, you can enjoy it (although easier said than done, I know).
DeleteI don't think you are complaining at all. Everything you said is exactly how I expect pregnancy to be after a traumatic loss. CONGRATS on a great beta! I'm sure it will go up up up for the repeat!
ReplyDeleteWell hopefully we can both go nuts together! FX for you Chickin
DeleteA wonderful second beta! I am sorry you are feeling fearful. I hope baby C continues to give you reassurance that s/he is snuggling in tight.
ReplyDeleteIf one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. ~Flavia Weedn
Thank you for sharing that quote. That was perfect.
DeleteI don't know if this would be helpful to you, but there is a new group started a few weeks ago on facebook for pregnancy after a loss. It was started by a loss mom who just had a rainbow baby. https://www.facebook.com/pregnancyafterlosssupport
ReplyDeleteThis may be the only time I wish I had FB! Lol. Maybe I'll use my husband's account to check it out. Thanks for sharing.
DeleteCongrats on a great second beta!
ReplyDeleteI was always in awe of those perky pregnant women - the ones who could announce their news on facebook at 6 weeks and had never heard the term "beta" before or understood the weight of that term in the IF world.
I also don't see your comments as complaining - It would be near impossible for you to be all light fluffy and pregnant at this point considering your losses. I do hope you are able to cope with the anxiety during this pregnancy and that the worry fades a bit.
YES!! I mean, even before my loss I was in awe of people who announced it as soon as their stick showed two lines. I was always more cautious, and even more so now.
DeleteKrystal - I found your blog through a comment you had left on my blog Ethan's Love. Sending you lots of love and hoping for a gentle road during this pregnancy and delivery. I parent 3 living young children as well as grieving their baby brother's death these past 2 years. I remember fearing that I was so messed up that I was a bad mom to our living children. What I can say now, is that I'm not. You aren't messed up. We are human. Beautifully so. And our resilience shines. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross offered one of my favorite quotes...
ReplyDelete"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
Connor, Ben and Ethan have helped make us beautiful people Krystal
Thank you so much for sharing that with me and for your kind words. I will read this over and over again when I need reminding.
DeleteYAYY for your latest beta- awesome news for baby C!! This pg will be different & will be your take home rainbow & Connor & Ben are their guardian angels... I believe I had something akin to PTSD with this rainbow pg but I'm looking down at baby girl sleep as I write this... my 1st angel & her angel twin I believe are her guardian angels... I'm so sorry for your losses & it's truly innocence lost/ once upon a time I thought a positive pg test meant I was having a bb but now I know so, so much more after our losses. Every baby is a blessing and each pg a miracle no matter the length- loss has given me a true understanding of the meaning of the miracle of life. Huge hugs & congrats again- this baby will be coming home with you in 9 mo!! xo, Lynn
ReplyDeleteI completely understand how you feel. I couldn't be excited or accept the fact that I was pregnant after our loss. All I could do was worry if it was going to end up the same as the 1st pregnancy. I pray your anxiousness turns to peace soon. I remember waiting for those betas. I was convinced they were going to start going down, especially since my betas were so low, but they kept doubling and growing and now I'm waiting for our little girl to arrive! :)
ReplyDelete