I am holding Conner. We know the boys will go any minute now, and we are desperate to take them all in. I'm staring at his face.
And he cries.
He's crying. That means he is breathing. That means his lungs are working. Oh my God, intubate him. We can save him.
They bring him into the NICU. The nurses and doctors marvel at the fact that his lungs are working so well. His heart is beating. He has a chance to survive.
I am holding Benjamin. We bring him into the NICU to see his brother. Benjamin is slipping away.
Then he grabs my finger. He is moving. We can save him, too.
All because in my daydream, I called my doctor on Tuesday, not Wednesday. I called on Tuesday when I had the slightest discomfort. We stopped the labor in time to buy them just a few more days. Maybe just one more week.
This is dangerous territory that I am in. It will eat me alive. The guilt will end up killing me.
I feel that way too. What if I had gone in the day before when I wasn't feeling him move? Or if I had said something about the strange movement I felt one day. Would I have him at home with me now?
ReplyDeleteI have been told by my doctors that a few days probably wouldn't have made a difference, but that doesn't make the questioning stop.
My doctors told me the same thing - if I had come in earlier, the end result would still be the same. There was nothing that could have stopped what was happening. But you're right... the endless questioning does not stop. Hugs to you.
DeleteOh hun, I am so sorry you have to walk through this. What a hard situation. I simply cannot relate at all, but I do know that you loved your boys and I know that I know that I know you made the best decisions you could for them and your family. I simply can't even imagine. Loads of hugs and love to you. Praying for you, lots. XO
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Morgan
DeleteGuilt is a terrible feeling. As are unanswered questions. But that is part of us and even if we have nothing to feel guilty about, it still always manages to creep up on us. I think of you often and I admire your strength mama.
ReplyDeleteThank you Cat
Delete