Still pregnant today. Look, I lost two babies and the doctors doubted this cycle would work, so I just had to check.
While we were waiting for the FET cycle and then while we were actually going through the cycle, I had a list of things I was worried about. Would I get to bring this baby home? What were our doctors going to do differently this time? Was I going to get a cerclage? Did I even have an incompetent cervix? When were we going to tell people - were we really going to wait until the "safe" zone of 24 weeks? How was I going to prevent infection when my doctors? Were people going to treat me like a new mother? Would I love this baby like I love Conner and Benjamin? Were people going to be judging me for trying again? WHAT KIND OF MOTHER WAS I GOING TO BE?!
But those were part of steps 2-576, and we were barely on step 1: get pregnant.
And now I'm staring at my 4th positive pregnancy test with beta in 24.5 hours. I am so incredibly happy for this little blessing that is growing inside me, where Conner and Benjamin used to grow and live. But I find myself missing my little boys even more since I got this positive pregnancy test. I touch my belly where little Baby C is growing, and I remember that the last time I did this, my boys were kicking away. I think of their nursery, my safe space to cry and think about my boys, and how I might have to use it on another baby.
If Tim posts something random on FB, he gets a ridiculous amount of people liking the post. If he posts something about the boys, almost no one likes it. He posted something about me being a great mom. Nine people liked it. I don't think people think of me as a mom. I was in labor for days, I almost died waiting for these boys to come, I refused an epidural to buy them more time. Does this not count for anything? My boys came out breathing, moving, and making noises. They were baptized. They have birth certificates. I read to them every night. Are they not real?
When we announce this pregnancy and if we get to bring Baby C home, will people treat me like a new mother? Will they talk about me behind my back, saying I was crazy to try again and wonder if I was going to fail yet another baby? Let's be honest. Of course they will.
Will I be a good mother? I am so lost in my grief. Tim and I have lost friends over our loss. People either hurt us too badly or they ignored us completely, like we were the plague. I am not the girl I used to be. I wish I was for this baby, but I am not. Everyday, I try to be the kind of person Conner and Ben can be proud of. But will I be the kind of mother I would have been for my boys?
Also, Tim's sister is using the baby name we had been saving. It is unisex and we almost used it for Conner. We picked it out SIX YEARS AGO. It's gone now. I know it is just a little, insignificant bump in the road, but for all the shots in the ass I've been taking, I think I deserve that name. But I guess that's what happens when someone beats you in due dates.
You just verbalized many of the fears I have too, now that I'm TTC again. It is definitely natural to have all these fears, and once I'm there (hopefully I'll be there again!) I will try to remind myself of that too.
ReplyDeleteWhen you were talking about how on FB everyone "likes" random statuses but if Tim mentions Conner and Benjamin or you as a mother they don't, it reminded me of a quote I found:
"If you know someone who has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift."
-Elizabeth Edwards
I think that is very accurate and I wish the rest of the world could better understand that. I wonder if in choosing not to "like" certain statuses your friends may be worried that if they like it that means they're not being sensitive to the sadness of what happened? Sadly, people truly can't understand this stuff unless they've also experienced it.
Also, I'm so sorry your SIL took your baby name :-( Talk about another slap in the face. But like you said, this is just one additional little bump in the road and in the broad scheme of things, with everything you've been through with the boys and with IF, it IS insignificant. (Still sucks though.)
As a side note (sorry this is turning into a blog post): The word that came to my mind to describe you while writing that last sentence was "resilient". And I looked it up to make sure that it really did apply to this situation in the way I thought it did (yes, it does), and funny enough, here's one of the examples it gave of using it in a sentence:
"The fish are resilient to most infections."
How ironic, given the title of your blog :-D
I really do pray that you will be pregnant soon. I always think that no matter when you do get pregnant after a loss, you will never be truly ready (whether it is one month from now or one year from now). That quote is perfect. It reminds me of another quote that says:
Delete"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it is music to my ears."
Oh the baby name.. I've been asking Conner and Benjamin to help me think of something more significant, and last night they came through for me. I'm still a little bitter, but I know my boys will help me pick out the perfect name for Baby C.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me. Just remember, you are resilient as well. I admire you so much for writing about IF and losing your little one. I know it is not easy, but telling your story has helped me so much to continue telling mine.
The heart is an amazing thing. It stretches when you need it to, it hardens when you need it to and it melts when you don't expect it to. Your Baby C will cause it to stretch with love while still holding Connor and Ben, it will harden against the people who would talk behind your back and it will melt when you look into the eyes of your third child. The way you love your sons is the greatest indicator of the amazing mother you are and will continue to be when C makes his/her appearance. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much... that had me holding back tears! It was beautifully written and gives me so much comfort. I will read this over and over again to remind me that everything will be okay.
DeleteI am new to reading your blog, but when you asked the question "will I be a good mother" my first thought was "of course you will" You will love this new baby like crazy because of everything you have been through. Your appreciation for this baby will be immeasurable.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you even have to think about how others may view this new pregnancy and that you have lost friends because of what happened.
That is so sweet! Thank you. Sometimes I think about the friends we lost and it is probably better off this way.
DeleteYou will be an amazing, loving mother to Baby C. And you already are a selfless, loving mother to Connor and Benjamin. Will you be a good mother? you already are<3
ReplyDeleteThank you Kate! I really appreciate it when people recognize that I am already a mother with two little boys.
DeleteYou will be an amazing mamma! Promise! It's hard when things like this weeds out your friends and family. Loss is weird that way, you'd think it would bring people closer and closer, but, no. Sometimes it just drives a wedge between. You aren't the same girl and you won't be the same girl, and that's ok, you're becoming a better you for your family and a better you for your husband and a better you for your babies! Loads of love and hugs, and I cannot wait to know what your beta is! Congrats!
ReplyDeleteThank you Morgan! I watched a movie that gives me some hope - the doctor in the movie said that after losing a baby, you become available to any other children you have in a way that parents without a loss cannot be. I hope that is true.
DeleteI believe that is true 100%, even though I haven't yet experienced it fully. But I will certainly believe that! :)
DeleteYou already are an amazing mother so I have no doubts that it will continue onto Baby C.... Eeeeeek, I'm so excited and happy for you!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Kate!
DeleteGoodness, you are so right about all of these fears. It's natural. It has to be, because I have them too. You and I ARE not just good moms but we are GREAT moms. Look at how much we love our angels. Another baby will not replace our angels, but they are an additional love that we as moms and our angels will cherish.
ReplyDeleteI agree. I keep thinking that little Baby C will be another person on this earth who will love and remember Conner and Benjamin.
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