Embryo Transfer Day!

Finally touched the butt

I woke up at 4:00 am this morning, surprisingly wide awake.  I guess all the anxiety about the transfer today finally caught up to me.

Everything about the surgical center was familiar.  The chairs were the same, the staff was the same, the nurses were the same.  The nurses who were with me for egg retrieval and embryo transfer with Conner and Ben were the same nurses I saw today (minus a few).  The last time I left that place after transfer, I was pregnant with my two baby boys.  The nurse walking me back into the surgical room asked me if I had gotten pregnant off of the last cycle.  Yes, I had.  Did I have a baby?  No.  She said she was sorry. Why the hell did I tell her no?

We sat around for awhile waiting for the actual transfer.  We played checkers.  I took selfies.  Tim laughed his ass off at me.

When we found out we probably had an hour wait

"She's a stinker"

Just trying to make Tim laugh

Then it was time to meet with the RE.

I was pissed to high hell when I found out that our eight embryos were frozen in pairs (yet another reason why I will be switching clinics if this FET does not work).  This meant that even though we were only transferring one (to the dismay our of RE), we had to thaw two.  Our RE made sure to tell me that survival rate and implantation rate with an embryo that has been frozen, thawed, and refrozen were almost zero.  Most doctors say there is no chance, although our RE stated that he would "never say zero."  Our embryologist explained to me that both embryos thawed beautifully and if I wanted, I could refreeze the one we didn't transfer although that embryo would be last on our list of embryos to use, should I go through FET again.

I wholeheartedly believe that our eight embryos are our babies.  I look at pictures of my boys and I realize that they used to be one of those embryos.  At one point, all ten of them were housed together until we transferred Conner and Benjamin.  They were siblings.  I can't discard those embryos without feeling like I killed my children.  One of those embryos could have been Conner or Benjamin.  Thawing and throwing out an embryo that might have been one of the boys saddens me to my core.

We asked to transfer one and refreeze the other.

They gave me a picture of the two embryos that were thawed for today and let me touch the straw they had been in.  I almost started bawling right there, just from the fact that I knew one of them was not likely to ever have a chance to be a baby.  I am planning to donate those we may never use, but this poor baby... to be frozen, thawed, and frozen....it's chances are slim.

I won't lie, Tim and I talked about transferring two today.  Our OB would not say that we were not allowed to transfer two, but he was highly against it.  My plan is to try to carry one to term, and if that is successful, maybe my team of OBs and MFMs will be more open to transferring two next time.

While the actual transfer was taking place, I silently pleaded with God.  I wasn't much for words at the moment I guess, because all I could think was, "Please God, please God, please..."

And then it was over.  My RE said I had amazing lining and mucus (ha) that was ready for pregnancy.  Let's hope he is right.

The dish our embryo was in.  We still have ours from Conner and Benjamin... FET X2

Today, I am Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  Please little baby, stick. Boys, watch over this little embryo.  God, let this baby come home with us.

*edit: today I am Pregnant UNLESS Proven Otherwise.  Thanks Chickin.  I've been so pessimistic that I typed what I was thinking.  What a big difference one word makes!