Surprise! Ready or not....

FET, here we come!

***For those of you unfamiliar with the IVF world, read the following paragraph.  For those of you familiar, skip this paragraph.***

FET stands for Frozen Embryo Transfer.  In August, we did a "fresh" IVF cycle where doctors retrieved 24 of my eggs (you read that right).  They then attempted to fertilize them with my husband's sperm.  Nineteen of them fertilized!  Fifteen of them continued to mature.  Ten of them looked great the day that the doctors were going to do the embryo transfer.  We transferred two of them (Conner and Ben) and froze the other eight.  They are our little snowbabies.  While all of this sounds very unnatural, for us dealing with infertility - this is magic.  And there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING different between a baby conceived through IVF and "naturally."  I do hate that phrase.  My babies are natural, I assure everyone.

Continue on.

I was torn on when to decide trying to have another baby.  Right after our loss, the lunatic in me wanted to get pregnant right away.  RIGHT AWAY.  I think it was more of a physical want than anything else.  My milk had come in.  I missed the kicks of little babies in my belly.  I missed carrying a little one (or little ones). When we met with our doctors, we got different answers as to when we could jump on the IVF train again. My MFM said six months (although she was very open to trying sooner).  My OB said no sooner than three months.  My RE said right now (always a man with a plan).

We went in for a consult with our RE to get a plan in place sometime in March.  He took the time to grieve with us, looking at Conner and Benjamin's pictures.  I could tell he was just shocked at what had happened to us.  He agreed with my other doctors that we should just transfer one embryo.  "God forbid something happened and you lost another two... I wouldn't be able to sleep at night," he explained.  Ok, one it is.  But when?  I explained that my OB (well, both of my OBs) said that I should have at least three cycles (periods) before I tried to conceive again.  But we all know that my ovaries do not ovulate... so I do not have periods the way most people do.  So what were we looking at?  A year from now???  "Oh honey," my RE said.  "We induce those bleeds for you.  Don't worry."  Thank God.

We drew labs and as it turned out, they were perfect to start a cycle for April.  We were ecstatic.  April was three months out, the earliest we could try to get pregnant again.  So in came the box of needles and medications.  I started Provera to hold me until baseline (my labs apparently looked better to hold me on Provera than BCP).

It didn't work.

I bled right through it.  They said that it was breakthrough bleeding, but I knew better. Sure enough, they drew labs and it was my period.  No matter.  I had canceled the cycle on my own anyway.  I wasn't emotionally ready.  I was terrified that I would get a BFN and that would send me over the edge.  I also wanted to meet with more specialists to have a plan in place before I tried to get pregnant again. I needed more time.  I was still a mess and I was already beginning to hate this pseudo baby for not being Conner or Benjamin.

So the cycle was canceled, and Tim and I booked a couple of trips for May.  We decided to go to Bermuda and to go to Galena for Mother's Day and the boys' EDD.  But then, oh change of heart... we signed up for a cycle in May.

We have eight little frozen embryos waiting for us from the fresh cycle with Conner and Ben.  I need to go back for them.  I keep thinking... what if that were Conner and Ben waiting for us?  Oh, God, I couldn't just leave them there.  I need to get them.  I will get them.  Please, little snowbabies... snuggle in.

Yes, I've been going nuts saying I am not ready for this.  But it took awhile for me to realize I never actually would be.  Next month, or one year from now, or ten years from now - I won't be emotionally ready.  But I feel physically up to this.  I can do this. I just hope this cycle gives us a positive pregnancy test and a take home baby.  I want to have a little sibling for Conner and Ben.  Someone who will celebrate their big brothers' birthday with us, who will read to them with us at night, and remember our Ben and Conner long after we are gone.  And I really, really need something positive to focus on.  I am drowning in grief right now.

Also - hoping my baselines go well on May 2nd because I literally head to the airport four hours after labs to go to Bermuda.  If I need to repeat baseline... well then, looks like I'm either skipping the May cycle or not going on vacation!

I'm going to touch the butt.  In May.  Wish me luck :)