On adoption

Via Flickr

I would like to begin by saying that I fully, whole-heartedly believe that adoption is a wonderful, beautiful way to expand a family.  Tim and I, before we were even married, talked about having a couple kids of our own and adopting a third.  I believe that adoption should not be a last resort - it should be something that you were open to all along.  I don't believe parents should adopt just because it is their only option left, unless they are truly going to love that child like it was their biological child - like their own.  I would hate for a child to think, "well, I was adopted because my parents couldn't have their own babies."  How awful to think that. I commend families that open their hearts and their home to children who need a forever home.  I am happy when people choose to place their babies up for adoption instead of choosing abortion or choosing to raise their baby when they know they are just not going to be good parents (for any reason - financially, emotionally, etc.).

But seriously.  It is NEVER okay ask a grieving mother if she is thinking about adoption.  It is NEVER okay to ask someone going through infertility if they think adoption is the way to go instead.  It is especially NEVER okay to ask an infertile, grieving mother if she is going to adopt. I am not pointing fingers at anyone reading this, I just feel the need to vent about this.

I understand why people ask.  But hear me out.

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER ASK  ABOUT ADOPTION:

1. Would you ask a fertile mother with babies at home if she was thinking about adoption?  NO.  So don't ask me. 
2. Asking if I am thinking about adoption makes it sound like you don't have faith that my body can bring a baby into this world.  Thanks for the support. 
3. I'm still fighting the good fight.  You are making it sound like I should quit.  Again, thanks for the support. 
4. If we were seriously considering adoption at this time, we would tell people close to us.  Assuming you are close to us, you would then know if we were thinking about adoption and you wouldn't have to ask.  If we were thinking about adoption and chose not to tell you, its because we don't feel comfortable sharing that information with you.  And thus, we are obviously not close enough for you to ask me this question in the first place. 
5. I got pregnant. With twins. And most people don't know we went through IVF.  They have no idea that I struggle with infertility.  In fact, I must look super fertile to them.  And yet, people still ask about adoption.  They didn't ask about this before I got pregnant.  They only asked after I lost my babies.  I feel like that is insinuating that I will lose another baby. 
6. We're only a few months out from the first and last time we held our baby boys.  Stop asking me about this.  I feel like people are trying to get our minds focused on moving on.  Only I feel like I have the right to talk about expanding our family from here on out.  Everyone else can shut up about it. 
7. People assume that adoption is easy.  Um, hell no it is not.  There is a massive wait list for domestic adoptions.  It takes years for people to bring home a baby.  Years and thousands and thousands of dollars. And then if you get chosen, there is no guarantee that the birth mother won't change her mind.  And you are still out all of that money.  Choosing international adoption means that you bring a toddler home.  No babies.  And then jumping through the legalities of international adoption is frustrating and exhausting.  Adoption isn't a sign up list, people.  It's a process.  Bringing adoption up nonchalantly is actually quite bothersome.  
8. By asking about adoption, people forget that I have this overwhelming want and need to have another pregnancy and to birth another baby.  They dismiss the fact that having a biological child is so important to my husband and I.  It is important to almost every couple in the world, so why not us?  

I'm not saying we will never adopt.  Maybe one day, that is where the wind will take us.  Maybe we will have only adopted children, and maybe we will have a mix of biological and adopted children.  But I do know that I hate this question.  I wish people would realize how insensitive this question really is.