I used to hate the term "rainbow baby." It made it seem like once a baby came home after the loss of his or her older siblings, then everything was ok again. More importantly, a rainbow is result of a storm. I cannot think of any subsequent child as a result of the loss of Conner and Ben. Like they wouldn't be here unless I lost my boys first. How twisted is that? No. They will not be a result of loss. They will be here in addition to the loss of our boys.
But then I read into the true meaning of a "rainbow baby." A little someone who is here to give us hope, even though we are still hurting over Conner and Ben. Someone to remember Conner and Ben long after Tim and I are gone. That poor baby... I can't help but think it deserves a mother who is not in so much anguish as I am. Will I care to write down every single milestone of this baby? Will I show of pictures of this baby without crying over the fact that I have so little to show off of Conner and Ben? Where will this baby sleep? Certainly not in Conner and Ben's nursery. I won't have a baby shower, because I can't handle the parade of happy people when all I will be doing is worrying about losing another child. I won't go to Babies "R" Us or Buy Buy Baby every weekend like I did with Conner and Ben. I'm not even sure if we will buy basics or essentials until we know for sure we are bringing a baby home. Any pregnancy from here on out will be full of worry, anxiety, and precaution. Am I ready for that?
Nope.
Will I ever be ready for it?
Probably not.
Maybe the questions I should be asking are: will any of this be worth it? Will I be able to love another baby after the loss of my sons?
I guess we'll have to see.
I understand that anxiety and worry. I felt the same way when we got pregnant after our loss. It took me a lot of time to enjoy the pregnancy and not worry about losing her. I would be lying if I said I still don't occasionally worry I'll lose her. I pray that you began to feel more relaxed. Conner and Benjamin will never be forgotten and I know when you do get pregnant again, your love will grow for that baby too. Stay strong friend!
ReplyDeleteYour second pregnancy will be completely different, you're right. You will worry from the first + until the nurse places your son or daughter in your arms. Then you will worry about SIDS the first time baby sleeps through the night. It's all normal and all natural. However I can promise that you will love your next child as much as your first. You will never forget Ben and Connor. You will think about them on the date of your + pregnancy test, their due date and the date they were born. On some random Sunday you will see your dining room table and realize 2 chairs are empty. It never ends--but I promise, and I know this sounds contrite, but life goes on and surprises you every day.
ReplyDeleteAs for not shopping--I was just like you--I planned to go to Wal-Mart or Target on the way home from the hospital to buy everything we needed...alas...hubby disagreed so the nursery was ready but I didn't open anything until he was here. When Jake went home from the hospital the night Isaac was born he had to scrub the bottles, put together the swing, and install the car seat....so trust me...I get it!!!
I feel like you as well. I was so excited. Planning and buying everything. I don't think I can do that again. The innocence of the whole process has been stolen from me. I don't feel like I will be able to do anything without thinking "will I have to return or donate this again"? I guess I just don't know if I can allow myself to get excited again.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much ladies. It means so much to me that there is support and that there are people who know how I feel.
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