The end

Not really the end. But the end of me writing in the blog. I spent a long time debating on whether to keep writing, whether it was still necessary for my healing, and what time would be good to stop if there was an end. I no longer feel that I need to write about the boys constantly to help heal my heart. I've found other ways to honor and remember my boys. Doing good in their name, donating to those who are in need on special days of remembrance, and still reading to them every night help me feel close to them. And, just when I need them the most, I know they are here. They answer every prayer. They are never far from me. In addition, many of my blogger friends who have gone on this journey with me have also had their rainbows and I think we can all agree that finding the time to blog is challenging. I think many of my readers have not stopped by this blog in awhile, either, and I don't blame them. It took a dramatically different turn with the birth of my little girl. I love the little community we made and I will always check in on my blogger friends, my TB friends, and my BC friends. But the time has come to say goodbye to this blog. I would rather write a good-bye post then neglect it until I no longer wrote in it. I decided the best time for me would be when I received my pregnancy test results from my embryo transfer in February.

But before I get into all that, there's a lot to catch up on :)

We took Jordan to the Shedd Aquarium for her birthday. She loved every second of it. This girl is obsessed with fish and water. She can even say "hi fish!"  She loved watching penguins waddle in front of her, different fish swim around in the water, and the kids area where she splashed and played and basically threw a mini tantrum when I finally had to take her away from it. I thought for sure I would cry on her first birthday, but I didn't. The day was full of excitement and fun. Of course, Jordan had no clue it was her birthday.

Note to self: this can entertain her for hours. 

Sweet home Chicago

SO MANY FISH!!!

We moved into a wonderful new home the day after her birthday, where my husband promptly took to renovating as much as he could in two weeks. We moved into the house one week before Jordan's birthday party, and you can probably imagine how exhausting it was cleaning, unpacking, and putting the detail into the house to make it look and feel like home before we hosted a party for 50. It was so worth it. My dream was to have her first birthday party at home surrounded by friends and family.

Ever since I found out she was a girl, I stayed up late planning her first birthday party. She was due March 5th, but I secretly hoped she would come February 28th so I could throw her a Winter ONEderland. She was born right smack in the middle of February and I've been designing and going pinterest crazy ever since. Excuse the kitchen, we still plan on updating the cabinets/counters/backsplash in good time.

Hot Chocolate Bar, complete with a hot chocolate machine we have used several times since the party. One of the best purchases I've ever made. 

I love spending outrageous amounts of money on extraordinary cakes. Sugar is my Achilles heel. 

We were surrounded by so much joy and love that day. Everyone was there to celebrate our little miracle, and the day was full of laughter, hugs, and, well, noise. If I can sum up her party in one word, it would be LOUD. Kids running around, laughing, playing, good friends catching up with each other, family surrounding us, and of course, Miranda barking in the backyard. But to hear that noise fill up our house and bounce off the walls was like music to my ears.

Birthday babe. After she snapped her headband off, of course. 

Jordan loved watching everyone in her house so much she didn't nap. She acted like being sung to was no big deal, and once I tried to show her how to blow out her candles, she tried doing it too. In the end, I accidentally blew them out for her while showing her how to do it. Whoopsies. She was confused about her cake, tentatively taking a finger or two to the frosting before finally bringing some to her mouth. Then she gagged on it and I took it away. Oh well. There is always next year :)  - and yes, I already know the theme!

Jordan was diagnosed with a heart murmur at 9 months that sounded innocent, but after her 12 month check up her pediatrician wrote a script for her to get an echocardiogram. I scheduled it for the day after my embryo transfer, so of course those two days were mixed with excitement and anxiety. Jordan did surprisingly well for it. I mean, we did bribe her with (organic) fruit snacks, multiple renditions of "The Wheels on the Bus," and let her watch her favorite video of a Disney Love Medley (which never fails to put her to sleep or calm her down). I cried listening to the song, thinking of how long the echo was taking and thinking that it would destroy me if anything was wrong with her. The tech asked us if we had any other kids. We said we had two year old boys at home. He commented that it must be very busy at our house. We just smiled. The tech finished up and said, "when you guys come back, they have wagons you can put her and all her stuff in so it's easier to travel." He then brought some toys for Jordan and both Conner and Ben to take home. And all I could think was that he said, "when you guys come back." What did he see? Well, it turns out, nothing. The pediatrician's office called with great news - normal, healthy heart - innocent heart murmur. Thank God.

Now, onto my boys - the very reason this blog exists.

There is a song that reminds me of Jesus, as well as the promise that Conner and Benjamin are in heaven. I won't post all the lyrics here, but you can google it if you would like. If you're Catholic, you might have heard this in church. It is called "All That is Hidden." There are a few lines that speak to me the most.

If you would follow me,
follow where life will lead:
Do not look for me among the dead,
For I am hidden in pain, risen in love;
There is no harvest without sowing of grain.

All that is hidden will be made clear.
All that is dark now will be revealed.
What you have heard in the dark
proclaim in the light;
What you hear in whispers
proclaim from the housetops.

Do not look for me among the dead. I certainly do not think of my boys as dead. They are gone from this earth, but they live on. We, along with our family and friends, strive to do good in their names and remember them at special holidays and occasions. Their names are on our mantle, we write their names in the sand whenever we go on vacation, their footprints and pictures grace our walls, and we will continue to celebrate their birthdays every year. I still cry when I think about them, but not often. I try to remember that their lives should be celebrated and that their legacy is not grief. Those boys can still serve a purpose on this earth. I hope by me writing here on this blog, some of you reading have found comfort in your own losses. I know that my loss could have destroyed me, but it didn't. I know that good can come from heartache. Our boys could not be saved, but I pray that other babies can be. Our team for the March for Babies grows smaller every year, but we will keep walking regardless. Over the past years we have raised almost $20,000 for premature babies. Maybe in the coming years we won't bring too much in, but every little bit helps. 

Every once in awhile, I will ask my boys for a favor. Sometimes big, sometimes small. Sometimes for patience when I feel like screaming, sometimes for someone else to have patience with me, or for bigger things like asking for their sister's heart to be healthy. They have never failed me. I know they are our guardian angels. I know they are here, watching my type. I know that they lead us to all good things. I can only hope that each day, I can make them proud. I know that we will be reunited with them again someday.  Until then, I hold them in my hearts, write their names on our Christmas cards every year, say good morning to them every day, and pray for them every night. I love them wholly and tremendously.

To everyone who has followed this blog - from the beginning or intermittently, thank you for sharing in Conner and Ben's story. Thank you for praying for me and my family, for supporting us, for praying for my little girl when all sorts of things kept going wrong. Thank you for thinking of my boys, for believing that they were and are worthy of being loved, for participating in their Random Acts of Kindness, for donating to our March for Babies team year after year, for crying with me and crying for me. Thank you for sharing in my joy when Jordan was born, for keeping tabs on her monthly updates, and for just being there. I have made so many connections with so many of you - whether it be through our blogs, or through email, or the few of you that I have met in person and have become some of my very best friends. You will never truly understand how much you all mean to me. You were and are an integral part of my healing process, and it is not without hesitation that I stop writing in this blog. It really is like saying goodbye to a friend.

Forget-me-nots

I've also finished up my study on perinatal loss and religious coping. The results are actually quite interesting. If you would like access to the completed study and the results, please feel free to contact me at ctbmsullivan@gmail.com. Or, you can leave a comment here with your email address and I will contact you. 

Of course, before I write my last sentences here, baby number four (baby D??) is due November 11th. I am so much more relaxed about this pregnancy after delivering Jordan, and I know that this baby's older brothers are the best guardian angels ever. Also, I already have some pretty strong pregnancy symptoms (read: earlier and worse than with my previous pregnancies) and it makes me feel like this baby is here to stay. Oh, and beta 10dp5dt was 276 so... let's see if this embryo split...

6dp5dt, after getting the faintest lines ever on 5dp5dt. Jordan has no clue what is going on. 

We have 6 embryos left. Four are frozen in pairs and have been waiting for us since 2013. Two are frozen alone - one was Jordan's pair, refrozen in 2014. One was this new baby's pair, refrozen just weeks ago. I made a joke that IVF has worked for us 3/3 times, and that if we were going to go back for the other 6, we needed to build an addition on our house. I am so attached to those little snow babies, I cannot imagine not going back for all of them. I am especially attached to Jordan's pair, who I almost transferred with her, and felt like I was abandoning. I am sure when this new baby is born, I'll feel the same about his/her pair that was refrozen. Those two embryos were so close at being transferred, and I almost feel like I neglected them by having them refrozen. I feel like they sacrificed for their siblings to be born. That may sound crazy, but to those of you who have done IVF, maybe you understand. The ride is crazy, emotional, and often times lonely. My ride with infertility is not over yet, not until I have given all of those embryos a chance.

To those of you struggling with starting your family, never give up. Mine did not come easy or without tremendous loss. But here we are. It was worth it. I have three babies (and one on the way) and even with two of them in heaven, I can tell you that my heart is full of joy.

If any of you have instagram, you can follow me @krystalg930. Or email me. I love connecting with everyone!

I'll leave you with Jordan's favorite video :)

KETCHUP

So many things... where to start?

1. We closed on our house and moved in with my brother in law. 
2. Ironically found our "forever home" the day we closed on our house. Offer accepted! We hopefully move in January. Including the finished basement, it's over 4,000 feet of space for our kids to grow up. 
3. Jordan learned how to wave!
4. She's also RUNNING around holding furniture.
5. I have my master's degree in Theoretical Psychology! Will post results of study soon. 
6. Tim is going in for surgery consults. Thankfully it is supposed to be a low risk surgery. 
7. It's snowed twice here, and it all reminds me of my boys and of bringing Jordan home. 
8. I desperately need a spa day. I don't even look like me anymore. 
9. New obsession: New Girl is hilarious. 
10. Went in for an FET consult today! Depending on lab results, I may have a transfer in January!!! (Yes I saved that for the end!) 

KETCHUP

10 sentence catchup, or "ketchup" bahahahaha.... ok, so maybe I am the only one laughing at this, but I'm making it a "thing" now.

1. I'm car shopping! 
   
2. Tim got hurt at the FD and is currently home. 
3. Jordan got allergy induced eczema... from sweet potatoes (wierd).
4. I need 10 more participants for my research on perinatal grief
5. Guess who can sit for realz now? 
   
6. Got a new phone.
   
7. Preparing to wean Jordan :(
8. I'm so tired (not really an update, though).
9. Thinking of attending Share Union for Conner and Ben.
10. I have a fever of 103.. yay. So, I'll be catching up with everyone more, including everyone else's blogs, as soon as I feel better!(that's technically 11 sentences... and now 12, so I think I'll stop here.)

36 weeks!!! Maternity pictures included :)

Yes, I am still pregnant!  Sorry I have been so horrible at posting updates.  I have been going crazy getting ready for Baby C.  Going into labor was a huge sign that well, maybe I should get that nursery done and get my hospital bags packed (note: bags are packed, nursery not done as of 2/5/15).  Plus, two nights ago our basement flooded (thank you, snowstorm of 2015).  Our flooring is torn up, a wall is knocked down, and all the stuff down there is now relocated to our main floor. So all my obsessive cleaning and nesting has gone to shit.

What else have I been up to?  Conner and Ben's story was posted on Faces of Loss.  You can check it out here. I hope their story, my story, can help other mothers know that they are not alone.

I applied for Summer 2015 graduation from grad school.  I am currently in the middle of writing my thesis that is focused on the bereavement patterns of mothers who have lost their babies.

Also, we got our maternity pictures back!  These were taken just two days before I went into labor.

And, of course, Baby C 's weekly update:

How far along? 36 weeks!!!  I can't believe we are here.  Everytime I go to the OB, the nurses all laugh in disbelief that I am there.  My OB took one look at me, shook his head and laughed, and said he was "floored" that I was still pregnant and he had no explanation for my labor stopping when it did.  I do, though - that's Conner and Ben looking out for their sister, and that is the immense support group we have had through our family, friends, The Bump, and of course you ladies praying like crazy!  No medical explanation, but I think this is even better.
What's happening with  baby? She seems to be totally oblivious to the fact that she almost made her appearance last week. She's getting bigger, stronger, and prepping for the "real world."  We did have her growth scan the day after I was discharged.  Not surprisingly, her growth has slowed again - drastically.  I am really hoping we get her out before something goes wrong with her placenta or umbilical cord.
Total weight gain: Well, the "clears" diet in the hospital made me lose weight, but I have gained it back.  But that pretty much means that I'm status quo in my weight gain - I think I'm only up about 22 or 23 pounds. It's all in my belly and I feel like I am going to tip over.
Maternity clothes?  Hell yes. And at this point, my maternity underwear is tight.  My husband suggests not wearing any.
Stretch marks? NOPE!!!!  I thought I did for awhile but turns out they were just scratch marks.  I'm looking forward to working out and putting my non-pregnant body into a bikini this summer.
Sleep: Barenaked Ladies "Who Needs Sleep" just played in my head. Haha, remember them?!
Miss Anything?  Being able to get out of bed without assistance, rolling, grunting, and excessive breathing.
Difficulties this week: Being terrified of my water breaking at home.  It usually breaks at the end of the 1st stage of labor - which is exactly when my labor ended at the hospital.  So my doctors have warned me of that.  Luckily, the FD has said that they will send the ambulance for me if I need it (and they'll even take me to MY hospital, which they never drive to). Gotta love those guys.
Movement: It's getting crowded in my uterus!  Baby girl is moving for sure, but more rolling and adjusting herself than kicks and punches.
Food cravings/aversions:  Aversions, ha. Feed me. Last night we went for a 10 pm Taco Bell run.  We almost didn't, but then remembered that in a week we won't be able to just spontaneously go to Taco Bell at night so we better take advantage while we can!
Symptoms: The swelling in my face - ugh. Chubby cheeks.
Looking forward to: I think everyone knows the answer to this question :) Tomorrow, we get our induction date!  My OB believes that we will induce next Friday the 13th.  To quote Michael from The Office:

Baby bump, first day of school, and cake (sounds like a 16 and pregnant episode)

So yesterday, we got some not-so-good news and I kind of went... nuts.  But, Tim reminded me that we have to keep fighting for this baby and so.... here is our 13 week update.  Trying not to let the bad news keep me from celebrating milestones like this. Hopefully we will have many more :)

How far along? 13 weeks

What's happening with  baby? Baby C has fingerprints and is almost 3 inches long!  S/he also weighs a whopping ounce (which of course, does not explain my major bloating this week).  Baby is the size of a tangerine and will grow about 1 inch a week from now on (good for baby, bad for my pants).  Little nugget can suck his/her thumb and smile.   

Total weight gain: I have no idea. Yesterday, I was up a whole pound (and the picture above shows how my belly is slowly getting thicker).  But today I am noticeably thinner, so maybe it was all bloat.  I'm refusing to step on a scale until next week because quite frankly I don't care how much I weigh right now lol.  This baby can get me as fat as it wants. 

Maternity clothes?  Nope, but lately I've been pants-less around the house. 

Stretch marks? Nah.

Sleep: Not well.  My sleep is riddled with anxiety.  Poor little baby. 

Best moment this week:  Tim came home early yesterday to basically wait on me hand and foot after we got the news of the placental bleed, and today he ditched work to bring me lunch (and yell at me for cleaning the house, because I'm not supposed to be doing jack crap right now).  He went back to work after, but I was so happy to see him.  He is just the best husband ever. 

Miss Anything?  Poached eggs.  Breakfast just isn't the same without them. 

Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point:  I was still super sick with the boys at this point, but my pregnancy with them was a breeze compared to all the issues with this little one.  But I have to remind myself... great pregnancy with them, ended in disaster.  Maybe this will be the exact opposite. 

Emotions:  I feel like I'm giving up.  So many things have already gotten in the way of a healthy pregnancy and I am hanging on to every thread of hope available to me. I have to fight for my baby. 

Difficulties this week:  Definitely yesterday's finding of the placental bleed. I guess I can't really be surprised, given the bleeding I woke up to on Monday. It is expected to resolve itself, but you can't tell a baby loss mom that everything will be okay and expect her to believe it.  We've been robbed of that kind of faith.  And I just have to add here - what happened with Conner and Ben was estimated to be a 1 in 10,000 chance.  I was that ONE.  Statistics mean nothing to me now. 

Movement: Not feeling anything, and little baby wasn't moving in the ultrasound yesterday.  Of course, I almost threw up with anxiety over it. Little babes better be moving next week or mama is going to be worried!

Food cravings/aversions:  Ice tea, ya'll. 

Symptoms: My face has broken out and I look like a teenager.  Also, my boobs are huge.  Well, huge for me, anyway.  Maybe now I can finally move out of training bras.  Haha, kidding.  Or am I?

Labor Signs:  Nope.  Thinking of omitting this question until 20 weeks so you don't all have to read this over and over again.

Happy or Moody most of the time:  Happy when husband is here, moody when he is not. 

Looking forward to:  Um....

And now, of course, Baby C:

Baby had his/her hands up in the air like it was under arrest. You better be staying out of trouble in there!

Haaahahaha remember when I said it's creepy when they face the ultrasound? Look at that little brain! Is it just me, or does s/he kinda look like a puppy...

Tim and I also had some "milestones" this week:  I started my first day of my last grad class and Tim celebrated 4 years at the FD.  Well, it was more like two weeks ago but I forgot so I brought a cake over to him on Wednesday to make up for it.  

Tim was excited to take "baby's first day of school" pictures.  I'm holding a March of Dimes water bottle filled with orange juice to combat the low grade fever I had on Tuesday.  I'm also wearing a long, loose shirt to hide the fact that my jeans are unzipped haaaahahaha.

Tim's favorite   - carrot cake

Congrats Tim!