HOLY SNOWMANBALLS, 30 WEEKS

How far along? THIRTY WEEKS!!! MY ORIGINAL GOAL!!!  We are here and Baby C has been active ALL DAY LONG.  I can't believe I woke up on Christmas morning, still pregnant.  Thank you, God.  Thank you, Conner and Benjamin.  I know baby girl's brothers are watching out for her.
What's happening with  baby? Baby is about the size of cabbage - almost 3 pounds and 15.7 inches long. She can sense light, and I'm beginning to realize that she prefers the dark.  If I lift up my shirt to watch her move, she stops. She has the hiccups everyday!
Total weight gain: 15 pounds, all in my belly, boobs, and very swollen legs.
Maternity clothes?  Yes and no.  I'm wearing yoga pants and a reguar stretchy shirt in this picture. Some maternity clothes fit me, but loosely.
Stretch marks? Nope!  I'm starting to think I'll be one of the lucky few!
Sleep: No need for naps anymore, but I am sleeping later into the morning.
Miss Anything? These two boys, on Christmas
Difficulties this week:  Let's just say - thank you God that the holidays are over (although... should I be thanking Him for that?)
Movement: She's a pro.  I think she will be one of those kids we need to put on a leash (er, baby harness).
Food cravings/aversions:  I don't crave sugar as much anymore - now all I want is MEAT!!! Bacon, please. All of it.
Symptoms: Legs are SO swollen. I barely recognize them. My rings are starting to get tight too! On the plus side, my boobs look phenomenal.
Looking forward to: Meeting this baby girl -

Christmas, minus two

I had visions of what Christmas would look like this year.  We would have two little boys, 8 months old, who didn't really grasp the concept of what Christmas was but were excited to see the wrapping paper flying and all of their family in one room. They wouldn't be able to walk just yet, but they would be mobile enough that I would have to keep a close eye on them and make sure they stayed out of trouble. I can almost hear them laughing at the lights and all the new toys they would get. I can see them hugging each other and crumpling up wrapping paper, pretending to "gift" them to their twin. We would bring our exhausted boys home after a long day visiting family, clean the cookie frosting off of their faces, and read them Christmas books while snuggling with them until they fell asleep. Then I would stay up late organizing their new gifts - based on how much they got for Christmas when I was pregnant with them, I was estimating that we would need two cars to bring home what they would get on their first Christmas home.

I only cried once this Christmas - when my father-in -aw said grace and thanked God for our big family. We are, after all, minus two. My heart was breaking the entire day, over and over again, each time we uwrapped gifts for Baby C and not for Conner and Ben, each time I saw a baby or a child open their gifts, and each minute I looked into my arms only to find them empty.

Conner and Ben were born just over two weeks after Christmas.  Just 16 days after we announced we were having boys.  Just 4 days after my 29th birthday.  Just 10 days shy of viability. The balloons from our gender reveal weren't even deflated by then.

Instead of taking home our excited, exhausted, and wide-eyed baby boys from Christmas festivities this year, we took home ornaments and books for them.  I can only hope and pray that every year, our family remembers them the way that they did this Christmas.

It is Christmas, though, so I need to add some happy in here:

My dear friend Amanda, who lost her baby Nathaniel, sent us ornaments for Conner and Benjamin

When we donated to the library for Infant Loss Awareness, we received a list of books donated in Conner and Ben's names.  We bought those books for them for Christmas. 

Miranda's face as packaging went flying is priceless.

Boys bought me a new Kindle - I obviously love it. Tim and I decided not to buy each other anything this year so that we could "gift ourselves" a new couch instead. We kinda cheated by getting stuff for each other from the boys. 

Boys bought daddy a new speaker!

Baby C's ornament is just awaiting her name!

Forever and ever. 

More new books for our boys :)

My favorites for baby girl: a pink toolbox and a snowman filled with headbands and bows (all personalized, down to the minion bows, firefighter's daughter headbands, and Chicago Blackhawks clips!)

Not pictured: the rest of the stuff Baby Girl got. It barely fit into the truck. Spoiled girl already! If you are thinking of having a baby, I highly suggest being pregnant during Christmas.  You won't even need a baby shower afterwards!

Weekend Review: A Very Benjamin and Conner Christmas

People remembered my boys this Christmas.  I cannot begin to express what that means to me, especially with the holidays being so close to their birthday.  I was dreading Christmas (still kinda am) - but after this weekend, I feel my heart opening up to celebrating more. 

Tim's mom stopped by with gifts for Baby C - she said they were from Conner and Benjamin.  They were things that she originally set aside for them but never got a chance to give them (along with some extra girly thngs and giraffes and puppies for baby girl to remember her brothers by).  She made the blankets on the left and the firefighter bib and burper.  My heart was breaking that the boys never got to use these things - but so glad that Baby C has "hand-me-downs."

A dear friend of mine had ornaments made for Conner and Ben's First Christmas in heaven.  I definitely cried right in the middle of the restaurant when I saw these. 

She also got both me and Baby C guardian angel pendants for Conner and Ben.  The stones are garnets, their birthstone. 

Just when I think people are forgetting about them - we get these.  Also - the smoke detector in our bedroom went off again as soon as I walked in the door :)

29 weeks

First, thank you to everyone who submitted their information to participate in Conner and Benjamin's RAOK for their birthday!  I am so humbled and so blessed to have such support from so many people - so many of you have given me strength this past year, and from the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you, thank you.

If you tried submitting your  information via the contact form at the bottom of the blog, I just realized that it may or may not have worked. I apologized. You can leave your email in a comment and just indicate if you would like me to delete the comment as soon as I write down your email address.

I will be sending out the cards sometime next week - I am still waiting on people whose information is trickling in slowly.  That way, I can send out the cards all at once. If anyone still would like to participate, let me know :)

Kate, a fellow blogger and the HUGEST SWEETHEART, sent me this necklace for Conner and Ben's birthday. As you can imagine, I love everything about this - anything that reminds me of my boys is so special to me, and this even more so because it came from someone who has not only had a loss herself, but grew to know Conner and Ben through this blog. Thank you, Kate.  I can't even begin to tell you how happy this makes me!

In other news, Baby C is 29 weeks today!

I am obviously running out of wardrobe choices. But I'm getting ready for some NST time so I figured, welp, might as well be comfortable!

How far along? 29 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Baby weights about 2.5 pounds and is about 15 inches long (about the size of a butternut squash).  She is beginning to regulate her temperature and her bone marrow is in charge of producing her own blood cells!  She's also peeing quite a bit... and then swallowing it. Luckily, its just amniotic fluid :)
Total weight gain: 14 pounds
Maternity clothes?  Nope not really. Yoga pants are still my go-to! I'm not sure if I'll ever really wear maternity shirts - its hoodie season and they work perfect!
Stretch marks? Nada
Sleep: I'm peeing less in the middle of the night (*knock on wood) and I lost the extra sleep I've been getting because of it!
Miss Anything?  Being able to roll out of bed easily - Baby C is now in the way when I try to get out of bed, crouch down to pet Miranda, etc. Tim has to give me a hand sometimes - I laugh everytime he does. I have a feeling I won't be able to do certain things soon!
Difficulties this week:  Still wrapping my head around IUGR and the possibility that Baby C may be stillborn. But I'm on the monitor as I type this and I can hear her heartbeat and feel her moving away!
Movement: She is, as the nurse commented the other day, a mover and a shaker.
Food cravings/aversions:  Dare I say the dairy aversion is gone for good? The other day, Tim bought like, 10 boxes of fruit snacks.  Guess who is eating them 7 times a day.
Symptoms: Woke up this morning to swelling in my hands. Hooray for my sausage fingers.
Looking forward to: Getting to my original goal of 30 weeks next week! It seems like such a big number.

Random Acts of Kindness for Conner and Benjamin

Conner and Benjamin's first birthday is just around the corner.  I try to grasp the fact that they have been gone for almost a year, but I can't.  It seems like just a few weeks ago I was saying my goodbyes to my only sons.  My firstborns.  My babies.  Even though every day brings me closer to seeing them again, every day also brings me further away from the last time I saw them. 

The last thing I told them before they were taken away from me was to take care of each other.  I really hope that they are together and best friends, like I wanted them to be here on earth.  

Tim and I would love to bring some light to their birthday.  Even though the day they were born was also the day that they left us, I believe that January 10th is a day to be celebrated.  I finally feel like I know what I was put here on earth to do - be a mommy to these two little boys, and do good in their names.  

We are asking our friends and family to do a Random Act of Kindness (RAOK) in honor of the boys on January 10th.  If anyone would like to participate, please let me know.  I am mailing and emailing RAOK cards to people who would like to join us in honoring our babies.  If you would like a digital copy of the card to print out yourself, please leave your email address in a comment or scroll down to the contact form at the end of this blog (more privacy).  If you would like hard copies mailed to you, please use the contact form at the end of this blog page - it will send your message directly to my email account and no one else will see your information.  

Thank you to all who are reading and to all who are participating - your support has gotten me through so many hard nights without my sons, and I feel like my sons are truly making a difference through this blog.  Love to you and your families during this holiday season.

11 months. 28 weeks. Christmas. Big update on Baby C.

Yesterday, Conner and Ben had their 11 month birthday in heaven.  I cannot believe it has been 11 months.  Now that we are past this milestone, we are heading into their first birthday.  My mind still cannot wrap around the fact that they have been gone for so long.  It feels like just a few weeks ago that we were saying hello to them, and then saying goodbye.  You would think that losing them would get easier with time - but it doesn't. It gets worse. I'm beginning to forget what their baby lotion smelled like, what it felt like to kiss their little heads, the grasp of their fingers. Please God, do not let me forget these precious moments with my sons.

Just this week, I was thinking that our boys have not given us any signs from heaven lately.  We have been finding dimes every once in awhile in places that they shouldn't be, but that is about it.  I was thinking that it would be wonderful to get a big sign from them like when the smoke detector went off in their nursery, reminding me to put their urn in a fireproof box before we went on vacation.

So imagine my joy on their 11th birthday when Tim went to the FD and found these two dimes in front of his locker:

and then even more so, when I opened the door to our master bedroom and our smoke detector went off, signaling smoke that did not exist.  I have to admit, I was scared at first.  But then I was so happy that my boys read my mind - like, ok mom, you want another smoke detector to go off?  Here you go!

This morning, I dropped off donations at the hospital Conner and Benjamin were born at.  We are so blessed to have had an excellent nursing team with us during our stay there.  We also had numerous doctors who did everything they could to prevent the boys being born before 24 weeks, and then when that failed, they did everything they could to do right by the boys and by us.  My sister-in-law, Tim, and I bought preemie clothing for the NICU and bought "Conner giraffes" and "Benjamin puppies" for the Children's hospital.  When I went to drop off the box of donations, I made sure to tell the nurse that the giraffes and puppies were the same ones that we gave our babies in the hospital. We cannot get them many things for Christmas, nor can we celebrate with them the way that we could have had they been brought home. But I am determined to do good in their name, and I hope that every year we can donate to the hospital in their memory.

We donated two of Ben's puppies, two of Conner's giraffes, and two different puppies and two different giraffes

Ben's puppies

Conner's giraffes

On each stuffed animal, I sewed on a blue taggie with stars and moons. I love you to the moon and back, baby boys. 

Preemie clothes given to the NICU

Today also marks 28 weeks for their little sister. As our time without our boys grows longer, our time to meet our little girl grows near. I know it will be a difficult journey to be a mother to angel babies and a mother to living children, but I think that Conner and Benjamin will slowly show me how to do it.

Bonus: FD Christmas party bump!

How far along? 28 weeks.  If she were born today, she would have over a 90% chance of survival.
What's happening with  baby? Baby C is about 2 pounds, 4 ounces (per her ultrasound today) and is almost 15 inches long (estimate from Baby Center).  Her brain is starting to develop folds and is gaining weight quickly. She can dream!
Total weight gain: 13 pounds, although I ate my feelings today so probably more like 15 after dinner
Maternity clothes?  Not really.  I have a pair of maternity leggings that I wear, but they are still big! Luckily, I found a "new" pair of (non-maternity) yoga pants in the back of my closet that I must have bought when I was pregnant with the boys.  They fit perfect and give my belly lots of support!
Stretch marks? Surprisingly no.
Sleep: Up all night to pee, and tired all day (and still peeing)
Miss Anything?  I gave Tim my delivery day wish list last night: sushi, grilled cheese with bacon, California club from Jimmy Johns, and eggs benedict.

Difficulties this week: 

Well, today was the 28 week growth scan.  I admit, I went in optimistic that her head had caught up to the rest of her body.

I could not be more wrong. 

Baby C's head circumference went from the 11th percentile down to the 4th percentile this week.  Her BPD (Biparietal Diameter) improved slightly, from the 4th percentile to the 5th percentile.  But her abdomen was the big news - it went from the 33rd percentile to the 10th percentile.  Baby C now qualifies as having IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction).  This usually happens when the placenta does not implant properly.  Shitty luck, again.

So, the chances of Baby C being a stillborn are increased.  In an effort to catch any problems before something horrible happens, I am being monitored twice a week for NSTs and Biophysical profiles.  If the baby does not perform well on the twice weekly monitoring, she will be delivered early in an effort to save her. 

The good news? She rocked her NST today.  Her baseline HB is 150.  They look for her HB to raise to at least 160 every time she moves, and they want her to do that at least twice while I am being monitored.  She was monitored for about 15 minutes and she moved and her HB raised over FIFTY times.  The nurses kept walking in asking who was making all that noise!  Just this little bundle of energy over here!  

If she continues to do well on her monitoring, we won't have to deliver early.  Maybe she is just small.  But every week she keeps getting smaller and smaller (percentile-wise), and that is raising many red flags.  

Baby girl, hang in there. 


Movement: All the time for me!  Not really for Tim. Poor guy. Everytime he goes to feel her, she freezes.
Food cravings/aversions:  Eat all the sugar! And all the food in general.
Symptoms: Swelling.  Also, yesterday I almost passed out from being dizzy.  Luckily my home health care nurse was there.  I think I was just pushing myself too hard to get stuff done around the house and my body was trying to get me to settle down. I'm also now borderline anemic - they look for levels to be above 10.5 and I am at a 10.8, so onto iron supplements I go!
Looking forward to: My original goal was to still be pregnant on Christmas, which would be 30 weeks.  The more I think about it, my goal is really to get to February 1st (and beyond).  C'mon, February!

Little Munchkin

27 weeks

Ignore the outlet... again.  We are replacing it, I swear!

How far along? 27 weeks - last week of second trimester!
What's happening with  baby? Baby girl is almost 2 pounds and has a regular sleeping schedule.  She can open and close her eyes (I actually witnessed this on our 3d scan on Monday!).  Her brain is very active now. I wonder what she is thinking?
Total weight gain: Don't know, don't care.
Maternity clothes?  Kinda. ish.  I bought maternity jeans - the smallest size they've got at Kohl's - and I am SWIMMING in them.  I guess it doesn't help that I have to shop in the junior's section and they don't sell maternity clothes in junior's sizes, haha.  But in this picture, I am wearing maternity leggings (huge - they go up to my boobs and they are really loose) and a maternity sweater (huge again - thus why I tied a black ribbon around it so it doesn't look like a tarp).
Stretch marks? Nope, but I'm waiting - I know they are coming!
Sleep: Same old, same old.  Last night I woke up to my leg cramping and Tim rubbed it until it stopped :)
Miss Anything?  Eating chocolate without getting sick!  But next week is my blood sugar test so I guess not eating sugar right now is good.
Difficulties this week:  Going through Conner and Ben's things and deciding what we can use for Baby C.  Turns out, Tim and I don't want to reuse much of anything - they are just for the boys, so they'll go in a dresser for them. I just can't bear to see another baby in their clothes, even if it is their sister.
Movement: Hell yeah.
Food cravings/aversions:  Still a dairy aversion, still love sugar.
Symptoms: Edema.  Yuck.
Looking forward to: Our next ultrasound. Perhaps the only perk of being high risk is going to get ultrasounds every single week - and this will be the longest span in between ultrasounds since we just went Monday and I won't go again until the 28 week mark. I want to see that chubby little face!

Almost one year later (caution: not a feel good read)

Most of you already know, but I'm at the point now where I can talk about Conner and Ben and not cry.  I can talk about them like they are still here, and I can talk about them all day long.  Conner Ben Conner Ben Conner Ben. I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

But today was different.  Their first birthday is coming up early next month, and I have been anxiously planning for it.  I wanted to do something for them that was personal and special, so I decided just a small gathering with our family would be nice.  I went to order their cake today (which I'm super pumped about - you'll see it later!).  The girl who was helping me was someone I used to work with years ago when I was still a college student working at a day spa.  But I haven't spoken to her much over the years, and she had no idea that I had Conner and Benjamin and that they passed away. I didn't really plan on telling her what happened.  I just wanted to order the cake and get the hell out of there. But then she told me that we get two smash cakes for free, since it was the boys' first birthday.  I promptly started crying as I had to explain to her why we wouldn't need them.

And then I couldn't stop crying.  On my way out, I tried to call my husband to talk about it.  He didn't answer.  He did call back though, only to ask me what I called for.  I told him I wanted to tell him about getting the boys' cake.  He said, "is that all? Okay well I'm going to let you go, I'm wrapping things up at work."  Nothing like being blown off by your husband when you're in the middle of crying over your sons.

Yesterday in my last class for grad school, I gave a presentation on perinatal grief.  I talk and write about this all the time, and yet for the whole presentation my voice was wavering.  I was scared.  I realized I was talking to an audience who probably had no idea what I was talking about - nor did they probably care. I felt very alone and very vulnerable - two feelings that I know all too well.

I'm not sure how to make this anger or sadness go away.  It subsides on some days, and other days it consumes my whole being.  And today I just want to crawl into bed and cry and think about the two little boys who won't get to blow out the candles on their first birthday cake.

Weekend Review and update at OB: picture review

Thanksgiving
Food. Family. Not much to share... missed the boys this year.  Read them a Thanksgiving book.  I am most thankful for them. Two pictures sum up our night:

Movember is over, mustache is gone!

Yep.  

Nursery
There is a dresser in baby girl's room now.  Unbelievable.  How have we gotten this far?

Now all we need to do is put the crib together... and wait for the other dresser and the hutch that are on backorder.  Oh yeah, and put a baby in the room. 

Miranda knows she isn't allowed in the nursery, so she pushes her limits by putting two paws in.  

Christmas decorations
Christmas threw up in our house this weekend.

You can't see it, but the star says: Conner and Ben's first Christmas

Two blue owls for the boys and three reindeir for all our babies are among the newbies on our tree. Also, turns out our tree is bigger than we thought - it barely fits in that corner!

No mantle, so they are on the ceiling.  Baby C's stocking is inside mine until next year :) 

OB UPDATE
Good news: Cervix is holding steady and actually gained 2mm since Wednesday.  OB does not think this is incompetent cervix - rather, since I'm nearing the third trimester (whoa), my cervix is naturally starting to wear a bit.  Baby girl is doing well, and we have our next appointment next Thursday for her third growth scan.  OB also told me that he just saw a mother who is 6 weeks post-partum today. Her baby's head was measuring in the third percentile (Baby C is currently in the fourth).  But, now her baby is 6 weeks old and her baby's head is in the 36th percentile.  OB said it was not unusual for a baby's growth to catch up very quickly once they are born.  That gives me a lot of hope!

Hi all! 

The Sacred Project

Over the summer, I participated in The Sacred Project.  497 baby loss mothers were chosen to share their pictures of their most sacred space: It is a short film that will be available online tonight at http://thesacredproject.com/. I have not seen it yet, so I do not know what to expect.  If you would like, please stop by the website to view it! 

Breaking radio silence: 26 weeks. Happy Thanksgiving!

Where have I been? Um, nowhere. At home. In my jammies. I've just seriously been busy being the most boring person on earth, so no updates... until today!

We painted the nursery... twice.  And by we, I mean my dad... and then some hired professionals. Long story short, we ended up painting it slightly darker because the first paint colors we chose made me want to vomit (literally - bright colors make my head hurt). Whoopsies.  Never trust me to pick out paint colors.  This always happens. Hundreds of dollars later, it is close to the color that I wanted. Luckily my husband has the patience (and the pockets) to put up with a crazy pregnant woman who cannot make up her mind.

Baby C - bump pictures in the newly painted nursery!  Please ignore the outlet - we are going to replace them.

I went to upload my picture of Conner and Ben at 26 weeks as a comparison... and it took me awhile to realize that I couldn't do that. So here is my picture with the boys the week of Thanksgiving last year. You can see all of Conner and Ben's bump pictures here.

And as a bonus - Tim's 26 week picture. He made sure to tell me that if I used this in my blog, I had to mention that he was purposefuly sticking his stomach out.  He's wearing work clothes to put up the crown molding in the nursery today :)

How far along? 26 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Baby girl can hear much better now, so I should probably knock off the cursing.  She is inhaling and exhaling amnionitic fluid and is growing rapidly - maybe over 1.5 pounds now and 14 inches.
Total weight gain: Up 10... although today is Thanksgiving so I'm sure that number will be much higher tonight.
Maternity clothes?  Surprisingly no.  I even found some size 1 jeans that still fit - granted, they are unzipped and I have to wear a belly band, but hell yeah!
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: None.  I wake up constantly to pee and around 3 or 4 am I usually am up for the day.  I guess Baby C is prepping me for what is to come :)
Miss Anything?  Missing my boys today.  I am most thankful for them.  I probably would have dressed them up as turkeys today.  I would have been that mom.
Best moment this week: Yesterday's ultrasound showed my baby girl puckering up - probably swallowing amniotic fluid, but it looked like she was blowing kisses.  OHMYBANANAS it was adorable.
Difficulties this week:  Well, my worst fears may be kicking me in the ass as of yesterday - my cervix is weakening.  Yesterday, my cervical length showed a 10mm drop (which is HUGE in 6 days).  My OB gave me emergency medication to take at home to stop contractions if I have them. I'm also on some restricted activity.  I go back to the OB on Monday for a repeat cervical check.  I am terrified that any day now, I will go into labor or my cervix will just give without contrations (incompentent cervix).  Baby girl only has a 70% chance of survival this early and the chances of long term issues are very high if she does survive.  I think it's fair to say that I am freaking. the. fuck. out.
Movement: You can see her going from a mile away!
Food cravings/aversions:  I hate almond milk, but I have to drink it since this dairy aversion is back with avengence.
Symptoms: Swelling. Peeing. Growing.
Looking forward to: Christmas.  If I can make it to Christmas, I'll be 30 weeks pregnant.  That is a HUGE milestone!  I'll start to relax if I'm still carrying this bundle on December 25th (and by relax, I mean be slightly less  - like 2% less - worried). At the same time, though, I am dreading Christmas without Conner and Benjamin.  Tim is also at the fire department on Christmas. It will be a bittersweet day.

Look at my little turkey nugget. 

25 weeks

Like my lopsided picture?  My camera wouldn't sit straight on the tripod :(

How far along?  25 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Baby is about 13.5 inches long and is about a pound and a half - although, this little nugget is probably a bit smaller.  She is growing more hair!  I hope she has mine...
Total weight gain:  My home healthcare nurse and I both decided not to go with my OB's scale anymore, since it is very dependent on what I am wearing to the office that day. My scale says I am up 9 pounds so far.
Maternity clothes?  Bought my first maternity dress last weekend for a Christmas party!  But still in my regular jeans.
Stretch marks? Itchy belly... not a good sign.... I'm watching for stretch marks!
Sleep: So. Tired.  I've been peeing like a champ at night and unfortunately waking my husband up in the process.
Miss Anything?  Soft serve ice cream.  Sushi. Poached eggs.  I have a list of foods to be delivered to my room the day Baby C is born.  Forget the baby gifts, I just want everyone coming with food!
Best moment this week: Baby girl is super strong - even with her anterior placenta.  She actually scared me the other night when she moved - she practically made my hand fly off my belly!
Difficulties this week:  My OB appointment was bumped up to yesterday since they are craming patients in before Thanksgiving.  Both OBs got called for deliveries yesterday, so I didn't get to see them.  I had a TON of question about Baby C's head... guess it will have to wait until next week.  Also - ultrasound tech forget to send pictures to my email/phone so no peak of baby girl this week :
Movement: Oh yes... I have a feeling she will be a tiny force of nature - Napoleon syndrome, maybe?
Food cravings/aversions:  Want. Ice. Cream. RIGHT NOW!  Also looking forward to Thanksgiving food.  I want some turkey smothered in gravy.
Symptoms: Just the swelling! It is slowly getting worse, but thankfully I have the greatest husband ever who rubs my legs every night.
Looking forward to: The nursery getting painted this weekend.  All of Conner, Ben, and Baby C's belongings are jam packed in my office and our master bedroom... and our dining room is crowded with giant furniture boxes.  I am starting to freak out over the lack of order in our house and I need everything to be in their rightful place!

Weekend Review: nursery sneak peak

Well, I did say I was going to go on a huge shopping spree once we hit 24 weeks.  Then we got that horrible growth scan.  I told Tim I changed my mind and didn't want to go.

Who are we kidding?  We went.  We didn't get anything "fun" - more like necessities.   We had about $700 worth of store credit from things we had returned after the boys passed away (all items with no meaning to us - we kept all their toys, clothes, and some other baby things).  Then I figured, hey, we will wait for the furniture - mostly because my bank account got hacked and I'm pretty broke. 

But then I remembered what happened when I went to go order furniture for the boys.  Buy Buy Baby had the furniture I wanted, but it was on back order for FOUR MONTHS.  Um. No thank you. So, I went to Babies R Us to order a different set of furniture there, and it turns out that cribs I wanted were discontinued.  It was just as well.  I was in the hospital the next day.  

Soooo... needless to say, with less than 16 weeks to my due date, my mom and I went to look at furniture at Buy Buy Baby.  I took a leap of faith that we could order furniture and we would actually put our baby in that crib.  It was hard.  The saleswoman kept asking me if I was excited, yada yada, and I was like "I'm getting there."  I'm excited, of course.  I love Baby C.  But I'm terrified, too. And we can't exactly return furniture. 

I was debating in between two sets of furniture, both similar but one was hundreds of dollars cheaper. Guess which set was the nicer one?  Of course, the more expensive one.  So I went to place an order for the cheaper (but still costly) furniture set.... and it's on back order for 16 weeks. I should have seen that one coming. Seeing as though that furniture wouldn't be here until after the baby was born, I mean, I guess I had to order the more expensive furniture... right? The crib and one dresser was in stock and the other dresser with the hutch is on back order for 7 weeks (not bad).  Luckily, we had coupons up the wazoo and the saleswoman took another 20% off a dresser.  I also happen to have an awesome mom who is paying for almost all of it (3 out of 4 pieces of furniture).  I still left with a hole in my pocket, though - and it burns. Totally. Worth. It. 

Sneak peak of Baby C's nursery.... her crib:

24 weeks and reflections on what 10 days means

Conner and Benjamin were born at 22 weeks, 4 days.  We were 10 days away from reaching the magical 24 weeks.  At the time of their birth, their chances of survival were 1%.  Today, their baby sister is just 10 days older than they were when they were born.  And yet, her chances of survival are 50%. It's the tipping point of life and death. If Conner and Ben had been born 10 days later, the nurses and doctors would not have been asking me if I wanted them intubated, or what kind of interventions I wanted them to take.  They would have taken them as soon as they were born and tried to save their lives.  Without asking.  Because they would have been that magical age of 24 weeks.

That is not to say that survival = quality of life.  I know if we had asked for our boys to be intubated at 22 weeks and 4 days, they most likely would been tortured before they died.  Had they survived, their quality of life would have been close to zero.  They probably would not have been able to read, speak, walk, talk, feed themselves... the list goes on.  At 24 weeks, Baby C has a slim chance of coming home without long term developmental and health issues.  Like I said, we still have along way to go.

But still, what a joke.  Ten fucking days?  Ten days and my boys woud have had a chance. I think of all the days of my life that I have wasted.  Now I realize what a big difference mere days make.

I have to remind myself, though, that having Chorioamnionitis made them sick.  Making it to 24 weeks may not have meant anything.  I had to let them go. It doesn't mean that I don't wonder what could have been.  Conner and Benjamin were big enough to be intubated, and no one thought they would be.  They lived for hours without any oxygen intervention.  They were (are) strong boys.

My sister-in-law reminded me the other day that being in heaven is not a punishment.  I have to keep telling myself that.

While I'm feeling so incredibly upset about not having my sons here, I have to be grateful that we are here at 24 weeks with Baby C.  She has been tumbling around, probably taking advantage of the fact that her big brothers made so much room for her to grow in my uterus.  We've come to realize that she loves story time to her brothers at night - she's the most active when we read.

How far along?  24 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Is apparently just over a pound now (although Conner and Ben reached that milestone earlier).  She is over a foot long and her lungs are developing :)
Total weight gain: Well, my scale says I gained one pound this week.  The doctor's scale says I gained a whopping three pounds.  Yeesh.
Maternity clothes?  I'm giving in and buying something this weekend.  It's time, Krystal, it's time.
Stretch marks? No, but my belly is itchy.... uh oh?
Sleep: Not. Good.  Last night I stayed up untl 2:30 am just thinking about how the boys' first birthday was around the corner.  I also got up to pee about 27 times.
Miss Anything?  being able to wear socks without my calves swelling!
Best moment this week: Waking up today, still pregnant
Difficulties this week:  Today was Baby C's follow up growth scan.  If you remember from her 20 week A/S, her head was measuring in the 10th percentile.  Now her head width is in the 4th percentile.  It might be genetics.. it might not.  I'm not sure what to think.  We will repeat the growth scan in three weeks, and at 28 weeks we will begin monitoring her twice weekly to make sure that she is getting nutrients and oxygen from the placenta. If this is the case... we are looking at emergency delivery. I almost broke down right there in the doctor's office.
Movement: Acrobratics up in here!
Food cravings/aversions:  We had pancakes for dinner last night. PANCAKES.
Symptoms: Oh you know, just the ever expanding belly.
Looking forward to: We were going to go baby shopping Saturday.  Now I don't know if I feel up to it.. I just wish I knew her head was okay :(

She was waving at us today :)

Weekend Review: the start of a change

Well.  This happenned.  We are obsessively testing out paint colors for Baby C.  I have to admit, I cringed when Tim started to throw paint up there on Conner and Benjamin's walls.  Their nursery is a place for me to go and think about them and well, cry.  It's a quiet place with no distractions, just a room filled with my baby boys' things.  And now it is going to change.  I am happy we are at this point where we can finally start to feel comfortable planning for baby girl, but ugh... why couldn't we have a spare bedroom in this house???

Today is Conner and Benjamin's 10 month birthday.  HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!  I mean, it was just a few weeks ago that I was holding them in the hospital and kissing their little foreheads... right?  I feel like we just came back from their memorial.  Where has the time gone?  But again... I remind myself... one month closer to seeing them again.  

Dear Conner and Ben,

I went shopping with your grandma a few days ago for your baby sister.  It was something very familiar to me - shopping with my mom and shrieking over the cuteness of baby clothes.  I found myself wanting to inch towards the baby boys' section and buy you things, but I managed to keep my distance.  I used to think that the girl's section was so much cuter than the boy's section.... but now that I'm shopping for your sister, I believe its quite the opposite.  I mean... she wouldn't look as cute dressed up as a dinosaur. 

I feel okay today.  I had orange juice for you, and later I'll buy you new books.  I bought an orange juice for your daddy to have tomorrow, since today he is working at the FD. It's a busy day, but all I want to do is crawl under the covers and stare at your pictures.  As time goes on, I realize that everyone wants us to "move on."  I don't believe in that. We are moving forward, but we are bringing you with us.  You will never be replaced, and we will always, always, be missing you and thinking about you.  I don't care if its your first birthday, or tenth birthday, or I'm 90 years old and looking back on my life.  You boys will always be in the forefront, not the back, of my mind. 

Happy birthday, baby boys. 

Love, 

Mom

23 weeks

How far along?  23 weeks.  Thank you all for your support in getting me through last week.  It means so much to me that people care so much.
What's happening with  baby? Baby girl's sense of movement is developed. She is about the size of a mango (which I've been having for breakfast this week). She can hear well, which means that I need to knock off the dirty words.
Total weight gain: +1 from last week, for a total of 6
Maternity clothes?  Nope. I've come to the point now where I'm refusing to buy them because it's hoodie season, and hey, that works.
Stretch marks? Nope. Please stay that way.
Sleep: I usually wake up now around 3 or 4 am and can't go back to sleep.  Yay?  Maybe I should take advantage and just start my day that early and get a ton of stuff done!
Miss Anything?  Eggs over easy.  Soft serve ice cream. Sushi.
Best moment this week: We made it past 22 weeks. Only 1 week to viability.
Difficulties this week:  I thought it would be easier once we got past 22 weeks and 4 days.  But now everything is bittersweet.  She will be doing things that Conner and Ben never got to do.  I never got enough time with my boys.
Movement: Still a pro
Food cravings/aversions:  Dairy aversion is starting to subside. I'm eating everything in sight. Last night, we made porkchops for dinner with rice and veggies.  Then two hours later, we went out to eat second dinner.  I had chicken pot pie and a piece of french silk pie.  And I could have eaten more, too.
Symptoms: Swelling and acne is back. But other than that, I feel pretty good.
Looking forward to: My dad is painting her nursery in a couple of weeks.  I have reservations about this, though.  I sat in the boys' room and looked around and realized I'd have to take the puppies off their walls.  I'm thinking of taking them down and making a scrapbook of them so we still have them. Tim reminded me that there can be puppies on beaches, so I plan to keep two puppies on the wall with Conner and Ben's dresser.  It's their room, too.

We finally got 3d pictures of this little girl during the OB appointment today.  Her hands were still in front of her face (like Ben), but she moved around enough for us to get a good look at her.  I think she looks like Conner!  Which means she looks like me. I'm not going to post the pictures here, though - most of you know the 3d pictures sometimes turn out super creepy and we haven't showed our family yet, either. But baby girl is doing well and we are going to pick up paint samples for her room/the boys' nursery today.  Hopefully I'll be posting her upate next week - viability!  Also, if anyone has a suggestion on what else to call "viability" - I'm all ears.  I hate that word.  "I have a viable business plan" - not "I have a viable baby."