Christmas, minus two

I had visions of what Christmas would look like this year.  We would have two little boys, 8 months old, who didn't really grasp the concept of what Christmas was but were excited to see the wrapping paper flying and all of their family in one room. They wouldn't be able to walk just yet, but they would be mobile enough that I would have to keep a close eye on them and make sure they stayed out of trouble. I can almost hear them laughing at the lights and all the new toys they would get. I can see them hugging each other and crumpling up wrapping paper, pretending to "gift" them to their twin. We would bring our exhausted boys home after a long day visiting family, clean the cookie frosting off of their faces, and read them Christmas books while snuggling with them until they fell asleep. Then I would stay up late organizing their new gifts - based on how much they got for Christmas when I was pregnant with them, I was estimating that we would need two cars to bring home what they would get on their first Christmas home.

I only cried once this Christmas - when my father-in -aw said grace and thanked God for our big family. We are, after all, minus two. My heart was breaking the entire day, over and over again, each time we uwrapped gifts for Baby C and not for Conner and Ben, each time I saw a baby or a child open their gifts, and each minute I looked into my arms only to find them empty.

Conner and Ben were born just over two weeks after Christmas.  Just 16 days after we announced we were having boys.  Just 4 days after my 29th birthday.  Just 10 days shy of viability. The balloons from our gender reveal weren't even deflated by then.

Instead of taking home our excited, exhausted, and wide-eyed baby boys from Christmas festivities this year, we took home ornaments and books for them.  I can only hope and pray that every year, our family remembers them the way that they did this Christmas.

It is Christmas, though, so I need to add some happy in here:

My dear friend Amanda, who lost her baby Nathaniel, sent us ornaments for Conner and Benjamin

When we donated to the library for Infant Loss Awareness, we received a list of books donated in Conner and Ben's names.  We bought those books for them for Christmas. 

Miranda's face as packaging went flying is priceless.

Boys bought me a new Kindle - I obviously love it. Tim and I decided not to buy each other anything this year so that we could "gift ourselves" a new couch instead. We kinda cheated by getting stuff for each other from the boys. 

Boys bought daddy a new speaker!

Baby C's ornament is just awaiting her name!

Forever and ever. 

More new books for our boys :)

My favorites for baby girl: a pink toolbox and a snowman filled with headbands and bows (all personalized, down to the minion bows, firefighter's daughter headbands, and Chicago Blackhawks clips!)

Not pictured: the rest of the stuff Baby Girl got. It barely fit into the truck. Spoiled girl already! If you are thinking of having a baby, I highly suggest being pregnant during Christmas.  You won't even need a baby shower afterwards!