Capture your grief days 6-9

Day 6: Books

This may be my favorite.  As many of you know, we read to Conner and Ben every night.  We read a little from a children's Bible, and then we read two children's books.  I had my boys for two nights before they were taken to the funeral home and I was discharged.  On the first night, I had my arm around my boys who were carefully tucked in. Through tears, I told them I would still read to them every night like I had planned to had I been able to bring them home.

The first book we ever read to them was on the day they were born.  They were tiny little Bibles, clearly for babies.  We laughed as we read to them - seriously, the Old Testament is NOT meant to be read to babies.  Never. I mean, even the abbreviated versions are pretty bad. I kept saying that this was highly inappropriate, but Tim insisted it was okay.  I've since switched to a more kid-friendly version of the Bible.

Among our favorite books to read to them are the Llama Llama books.  There is a line in Llama Llama Red Pajama that reads, "Mama Llama's always near, even if she's not right here."

If anyone is interested, you can also find a list of books I have read about loss here: http://xobenjaminandconnerxo.blogspot.com/search/label/Books

Day 7: Sacred Place

Easy.  Ben and Conner's nursery.  It is where I go to think about them, cry, and look at pictures. Their bookshelf is in there, so I visit their nursery almost every night.  Even when I have bad days that have nothing to do with them, I find myself in their nursery.  It's going to be extremely difficult to renovate this room (which is why I am in a rush to move into a new house before Baby C is here - so I don't have to feel like I am putting a new baby in their room).

To see more of their nursery, go here: http://xobenjaminandconnerxo.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-nursery.html

Day 8: Resource

So many.  My main source of comfort has been through thebump.com or babycenter.com and their corresponding loss boards.  I've "met" and connected with so many other loss moms through these boards, and I will never be able to thank them all for the support they have given me (especially Kristin, Erica, and Kate).  Although I so wish we had all connected under happier circumstances, this journey somehow seems a bit more bearable because I know I am not alone.

I've also found comfort in other blogs, such as:

Spread Happiness for Preston
I can't even begin to start on how Cat's writing affects me.  She is wonderful. Every time she writes, I feel the raw emotion that she is experiencing.  Her little Preston has such a great mama.
Where is Baby Payne
Kate's journey through IF and loss has touched me, and now we are on this journey of being pregnant after loss together.  You can tell how much she really loves her little Jack.
Diary of a Little Chicken
Why do I love Chicken?  She's not afraid to be angry in her blog.  She tell it how it is - the good, the bad, the ugly.
Claire Bear of Mine
Kristin lost her baby girl around the same time I lost my boys, and for the same reason - Chorioamnionitis.  We really have a special connection, and my heart breaks for her every time I read her blog.

Day 9: In Memory

There are so many things I have done in memory of my boys, such as writing their names at every beach we go to, writing them letters, donating to the NICU at the hospital they were born at, participating in the March of Dimes, planting a garden in front of our house, having trees planted in their memory, donating to the library in their names, and getting a ring with their names on it (all of which I've chronicled in this blog).  

I never plan to stop.  I have many things coming up (which you will see soon).  I want their lives to make a difference.

Today is a good day to announce what I have been working on in grad school.  I am taking my last course in Theoretical Psychology, and I plan on having my researcher project done by the end of spring 2015.  I had a big chunk of my research done, and then I lost Conner and Ben.  I took two semesters off of school.  I came back, but only to change my research topic to cover perinatal grief.

Perinatal grief has not been studied much, and currently there are huge gaps in the literature.  Why is this problematic?  Perinatal loss includes miscarriages, stillbirths, and neonatal losses.  Thousands and thousands of women each year experience perinatal loss and find themselves with a lack of support and resources, both personal and professional. We lost our boys and found that hardly anyone knew how to be there for us - not medical professionals, and not our family or friends.  Historically, women were told not to talk about their pregnancy losses.  Even now, it's almost like a taboo subject.

So, I talk freely and openly about my loss.  Maybe that will help lessen the stigma of perinatal losses. Hopefully my research will help to cover the gaps in knowledge that exist in perinatal bereavement. Someday soon, I may ask some of you to participate in my research. I do this to make people aware of what baby loss mothers are going through.  I do this so that psychologists stop ignoring the very real grief that parents experience after losing a pregnancy.   I do this all in memory of my boys.