Meet Jordan Breanne

Born at 1:52, screaming with a full head of hair. 5 pounds, 3 ounces and 18.5 inches.  Baby girl is doing well :)

You're about to be big brothers...

x2, little girl :)

Dear Conner and Benjamin,

We are just days away from delivering your little sister.  I can't quite wrap my head around it.  In many ways, I feel like a new mother but I know that I am far from it.  I will now have the challenge of being a mother to two children in heaven and one on earth. How can this be?  How did this happen to our family?  The other night, your dad was putting some finishing touches on the nursery. He was playing "Godspeed, Sweet Dreams" - our song for you. I walked in to him crying, and I didn't have any words for him.  All I could do was hug him. You both make our family complete, but at the same time it feels so broken without you here on earth.

Last night, I tried looking for "I'm a big brother" book to read to you.  I couldn't get myself to purchase any of them.  They were all about how big brothers could help feed and play with the baby. You can't do any of those things.  Your sister will never get the privilege of having her big brothers help her with her homework, show her how to play with legos, or even endure the constant teasing I'm sure she would get because she was the only girl. She has two older brothers, but in many ways she will be an only child.  I fear how people will react when they ask if she has any brothers or sisters.  I also fear how she will answer the question. I hope that she embraces you as part of the family just as your father and I do.  I truly believe that she will.

I have to remind myself that although she doesn't have her big brothers here to look after her, chase away her boyfriends, and be uncles to her future children, she does have two guardian angels.  I cannot thank you enough for what you have done for your little sister.  So many things have been thrown our way in this pregnancy, and each time I have asked you to look after your sister, you have always made sure she was safe. She has something that other children do not - two blessings from heaven, two angels watching over her, two brothers guiding her through life.

Your little sister may take up a lot of our time, especially in the coming weeks.  I promise to still read to you at night, and maybe when she is old enough, she will start to read to you, too. You will always be my first borns. You will always be my sons, my babies. You are never replaced, never forgotten. We will forever be grateful for you.  We are a family of five, not of three.

Well, six, if you count Miranda.

Love,
Mom

Happy birthday, blog! And Baby C's induction date!

via Google

Today, sitting at my doctor's office strapped to the monitors, I was thinking that my blog has been around about a year.  I checked my blog, and it has been EXACTLY one year since I started writing.

In the past year, this blog has had 50,743 page views (and that's even with months of this blog being private!). Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone following my journey.  You remember my boys with me, and that gives my heart great joy.  I started writing so that I would never forget the time I had with my sons and all the ways we tried to do good in their names. While writing, I have been blessed to reach out to other baby loss mothers.  People have commented on my blog and I have received many private emails from women sharing their stories.  Please know that every single one of your stories and every single one of your babies has touched my heart.  Everyone who has given their support to me, my family, my boys, and my daughter through this blog has my deepest gratitude.

Baby C's induction date is Thursday, February 12th.  She will be 37 weeks exactly - full term :)  I cannot wait to introduce my little nugget to all of you.

36 weeks!!! Maternity pictures included :)

Yes, I am still pregnant!  Sorry I have been so horrible at posting updates.  I have been going crazy getting ready for Baby C.  Going into labor was a huge sign that well, maybe I should get that nursery done and get my hospital bags packed (note: bags are packed, nursery not done as of 2/5/15).  Plus, two nights ago our basement flooded (thank you, snowstorm of 2015).  Our flooring is torn up, a wall is knocked down, and all the stuff down there is now relocated to our main floor. So all my obsessive cleaning and nesting has gone to shit.

What else have I been up to?  Conner and Ben's story was posted on Faces of Loss.  You can check it out here. I hope their story, my story, can help other mothers know that they are not alone.

I applied for Summer 2015 graduation from grad school.  I am currently in the middle of writing my thesis that is focused on the bereavement patterns of mothers who have lost their babies.

Also, we got our maternity pictures back!  These were taken just two days before I went into labor.

And, of course, Baby C 's weekly update:

How far along? 36 weeks!!!  I can't believe we are here.  Everytime I go to the OB, the nurses all laugh in disbelief that I am there.  My OB took one look at me, shook his head and laughed, and said he was "floored" that I was still pregnant and he had no explanation for my labor stopping when it did.  I do, though - that's Conner and Ben looking out for their sister, and that is the immense support group we have had through our family, friends, The Bump, and of course you ladies praying like crazy!  No medical explanation, but I think this is even better.
What's happening with  baby? She seems to be totally oblivious to the fact that she almost made her appearance last week. She's getting bigger, stronger, and prepping for the "real world."  We did have her growth scan the day after I was discharged.  Not surprisingly, her growth has slowed again - drastically.  I am really hoping we get her out before something goes wrong with her placenta or umbilical cord.
Total weight gain: Well, the "clears" diet in the hospital made me lose weight, but I have gained it back.  But that pretty much means that I'm status quo in my weight gain - I think I'm only up about 22 or 23 pounds. It's all in my belly and I feel like I am going to tip over.
Maternity clothes?  Hell yes. And at this point, my maternity underwear is tight.  My husband suggests not wearing any.
Stretch marks? NOPE!!!!  I thought I did for awhile but turns out they were just scratch marks.  I'm looking forward to working out and putting my non-pregnant body into a bikini this summer.
Sleep: Barenaked Ladies "Who Needs Sleep" just played in my head. Haha, remember them?!
Miss Anything?  Being able to get out of bed without assistance, rolling, grunting, and excessive breathing.
Difficulties this week: Being terrified of my water breaking at home.  It usually breaks at the end of the 1st stage of labor - which is exactly when my labor ended at the hospital.  So my doctors have warned me of that.  Luckily, the FD has said that they will send the ambulance for me if I need it (and they'll even take me to MY hospital, which they never drive to). Gotta love those guys.
Movement: It's getting crowded in my uterus!  Baby girl is moving for sure, but more rolling and adjusting herself than kicks and punches.
Food cravings/aversions:  Aversions, ha. Feed me. Last night we went for a 10 pm Taco Bell run.  We almost didn't, but then remembered that in a week we won't be able to just spontaneously go to Taco Bell at night so we better take advantage while we can!
Symptoms: The swelling in my face - ugh. Chubby cheeks.
Looking forward to: I think everyone knows the answer to this question :) Tomorrow, we get our induction date!  My OB believes that we will induce next Friday the 13th.  To quote Michael from The Office:

35 weeks = DISCHARGED!!!!

You read that right! I'm blogging from the comfort of my couch, legs propped up and Baby C wiggling away. I'll be spending a lot of time camping out on this couch and as well as going to the OB, well, a lot. 

First things first - I cannot thank everyone enough for their support and prayers.  I know Baby C is at a good gestation right now, but I am desperate to get her to full term.  I want the very best for her, and right now is just a tad too early.  I would love for her to be born and for her to go right into my arms, instead of right to the neonataologist (as, I was explained, she would be had I given birth to her during my hospital stay). 

Ok, so what happened? How the hell, Krystal, did you not know you were in labor?

Easy.  Kinda. This isn't my first rodeo.  I know what contractions feel like.  I didn't feel shit. On Tuesday the 27th, the only thing I felt was a sharp constant pain in my upper right side of my uterus.  Turns out what I was feeling was the aftermath, or the soreness, of tiny contractions.  

 I called my OB's office around 7:30 pm.

"Are you having contractions? "

"Nope."

"Sounds like it's nothing, maybe a uti, but with your history let's send you to labor and delivery."

Called Tim and the FD, who weirdly thought I was crying on the phone (I wasn't), and he tore his locker apart looking for his truck keys. He never made it back to clean up, but his buddies took care of his stuff. He also drove like an insane person to the he hospital,  assuming I was in labor even though I was sure I wasn't. Guess his father's intuition is better than my mother's intuition. We should have taken the captain's offer to have him drive me to the hospital int the ambulance. Damn. 

On the way there, just like on the way to the hospital when I was in labor with the boys, I was sure that this was indeed nothing and I was going to make Tim buy me food on the way home.  The whole thing was deja vu, from calling Tim at the FD to come get me, to him worried, to me thinking this was all nothing. 

Well, we know how this ends. I was in labor. Resident OB gave me the world's most painful cervix check (what the fuck did she think she was going to find, gold?) and excitedly told me I was 4 cm.

I let out an Academy award winning "what?!" - a mix of shock, terror, and despair. After I sat up to give her what was surely a look that made her feel guilty as shit, I wanted to call her a liar. I sank back into the hospital bed and cried. 34 weeks and 5 days is a blessing, for sure. But I wanted more for my little girl.

They explained to me that the small, inconsistent contractions I had been having for a couple of weeks  - what were chalked up as Braxton Hicks - could have actually been dilating my cervix.  Or, this could have been contractions that started today, small ones, that I never noticed because I was too busy moving around, cleaning, etc. Either way, wtf. 

They wheeled me into a delivery room, since by then my contractions were a couple minutes apart (still pretty oblivious to them at this point, although now I could tell I was having them). They prepared the baby warmer and set up for delivery.

But then the weirdest thing happened. Around 6 am on the 28th, my body stalled. I was 6 cm dilated and 50% effaced. And then it was quiet.

My brother in law brought baby girl two Bibles to put her footprints in, just like he did when we had the boys. My sister in law brought her a blanket, hats, and cute preemie clothes.  Our pastor called checking in on us. We were preparing to welcome this little girl into the world. Everyone expected labor to jump start again at any minute.  My OB was convinced I was not making it until the next day.

And then things got even more quiet on the monitors.  Today, one of my OBs (I have two) checked my cervix.  I had gone from 6 cm to 4 cm dilated, and my cervix was still closed (although it was just a little).  I had no active contractions in over 24 hours. The nurses and doctors were baffled.  At 6 cm dilated, this was the "point of no return."  But my body stalled out, and it is buying baby girl more time.  I think it is Conner and Ben looking out for their little sister - and I also think it is all the prayers from all you wonderful ladies :)

So, after having contractions for about 12 hours in the hospital, letting 4 different doctors fist my vagina to check my cervix, being put on a "clears" diet that made me lose some noticeable weight, and laying in the most uncomfortable hospital bed ever for 40 hours, we are home.  Hopefully, we can stay home for a couple more weeks, or at least until February 1st (I would love for her not to share a birth month with her brothers). 

And, because I know people were anxious to meet her - here is a sneak peak:

Labor update

Sorry to blog and run yesterday! It's been a long night and day. I wanted to post an update for everyone. First, thank all of you for your support and prayers. We are 34 weeks, 6 days. Baby girl is hanging tough. I am 6 cm dilated and 50% effaced,  but have not made progress since about 6 am (thank God). First big goal is to still be pregnant tomorrow. Overall goal is to get to Sunday (yeah, right). I am desperate not to have her share a birthday month with her brothers or the 6 other people in my family, myself included. Plus, everyday I can give her is a gift. I'm super sore but I am refusing an epidural until we are progressing steadily. There is a picture of Conner and Ben next to me, and we have a giraffe and puppy to give her when she gets here from her brothers.

I didn't know I was in labor. When the resident ob told me, happily, that I was 4 cm dilated, I almost kicked her in the face. I bawled my eyes out instead. Baby C will need NICU time, and my fear of not being able to hold her when she is born is definitely reality now. But I have to remember... if we had gotten the boys this far, it would have been a "game changer" as my nurse has said. So for this huge milestone of 34 and 6, I am grateful.

In labor

Prayers needed for baby girl. We are 34 weeks, 5 days.

34 weeks (and some Conner and Ben bonuses!)

Before we get into the 34 week post for Baby C, I have to start with my baby boys.  Their balloons from their birthday were starting to deflate, so I sadly took some of them down (with the exception of their two minion balloons, which are still hanging around).  I was feeling really guilty.  I knew that soon this house would be filled with their baby sister's stuff in every corner, and here I was taking down their balloons.  But then I got this in the mail from my dear friend Cat:

The side says "Love you to the moon and back"

I have so many jewelry pieces that relate to my boys now - and I LOVE IT!!!  Every piece of jewelry I put on daily is for them.  Cat wrote a sweet note saying that when she saw the necklace, it was like the boys were telling her to buy this for their mama - and so the necklace is really from them. And seriously, the timing was perfect. 

My friend Kate also got us a beautiful suncatcher for their birthday:

Every try to take a picture of a suncatcher before? Pretty impossible. Apologies for the not so great quality of the picture. 

It makes me so happy when people incorporate the moon in things that they give me for the boys.  I will never be able to look at the moon without thinking of them. I'm going to find a place in the nursery or our living room to hang this up!

Aaaannnddd....

"Handpicked for earth by my siblings Conner & Benjamin in Heaven"

The most adorable onesie EVER from Kate. You can bet I'm scheduling a baby photo session when she's big enough to wear this. It might be the best thing she will ever wear, just because Conner and Ben's names are on it!

Ok, back to regulary scheduled programming. 

How far along? 34 weeks!  Rumor on the street is that this is such a good gestation, if I went into labor this week they wouldn't even try to stop it.
What's happening with  baby? Baby C should weigh over 4.5 pounds and should be around 18 inches long. She's getting fatter (so. cute.) and her central nervous system and lungs are maturing. She is also finally letting daddy watch her move!
Total weight gain: Let's not talk about the 2.5 pounds I put on this week.
Maternity clothes?  Yep, and definitely wearing oversized shirts - wearing one of Tim's shirts right now.
Stretch marks? Nope!  But my tummy is defnitely splotchy and itchy.
Sleep: Same old, same old. Get up all night to pee, wake up around 3 am and stay up until about 5 am, fall asleep again until 8 am.
Miss Anything? Being able to roll out of bed without the assistance of my husband.
Difficulties this week: WHAT IS HER NAME?!  I can't decide... I want to incorporate Conner and Ben somehow in her middle name (and I have a few ideas), but at the same time, I want her to have her own identity.
Movement: All the time.  I can't even feel her sometimes.  On Monday's bio, we tried to get a 3d shot of her. Right when we go to snap the picture, she turns so we can only see the back of her head.  I didn't even feel it. This was also the first week in awhile that her hands weren't in front of her face, so I'm pretty bummed we couldn't get a shot of her!  Her daddy really wants to see her - he can't come to all the ultrasounds that I go to.
Food cravings/aversions:  MEAT. Also, now that I can eat dairy again I'm eating a ton of it!
Symptoms: Welp, my boobs have gone all National Geographic, and now when I sit down and lean over, my boobs rest on my very pregnant tummy.  While I thought this was hilarious last night, Tim couldn't even look me in the eye hahaahahahahaha. Also, my face is starting to swell. Doesn't stop me from eating everything in sight, though.
Looking forward to: Maternity pictures on Sunday :) Unfortunately, all the snow has melted so I think we are heading to Chicago to get some city shots.

Right before her big ol' turn 

33 weeks

Missing when my bump was cute... I am gaining weight rapidly now!  

How far along? 33 weeks. I accidently put 23 weeks in the title of this post and in the answer to this question... and then I put 32 weeks... and then I realized I was 33.  Shows how unbelievable it is that we have made it this far!
What's happening with  baby? Welp, she should be about the size of a pineapple right now. I saw her eyes open on the last ultrasound, so she's definitely watching...something. Her hands, maybe? They have been in front of her face for like, 20 weeks, completely ruining any chance of getting a good 3d shot of her (and we've tried to - at least once a week, sometimes twice).
Total weight gain: I weigh a whopping 120 now, making that 18 pounds of weight gain total. I made a joke about being a whale, but Tim made sure to correct me and tell me I'm only a hippo. Can someone help me put on my shoes?
Maternity clothes?  Yes, and yoga pants = my life.
Stretch marks? Schnope. I thought I found a couple the other day in the shower but it turned out to just be red marks from my shirt bunching up funny when I was sleeping.
Sleep: Hubby came home with toilet paper yesterday and told me that he just "had a feeling" I needed more. Enough said.
Miss Anything? Okay, NOW I am really missing alcohol.  I want to go out like a grown up!  I need tequila, wine, and pancake shots pronto.
Difficulties this week: I can't really complain - but my husband might have one. See below.
Movement: Yes, although most people think I'm lying - this little stinker fell asleep for her NST Wednesday and she refuses to move for Tim - if he so much as LOOKS at my belly, she freezes.  The second he turns away, she karate chops my belly in three different directions. I think she'll make a liar out of me when she gets out of here. I can just see myself telling people she can walk like a pro, and then she never walks for anyone but me.
Food cravings/aversions:  Salty stuff. Nothing healthy. I'm trying to force feed myself healthy foods so I don't feel too guilty. But I can have dairy again, and I'm grateful!
Symptoms: Swelling, as per usual. The leg swelling is horrendous - my legs don't even look like they belong to me anymore.  Plus, pregnancy acne is back!  Hooray! (Where is the font for sarcasm?)
Looking forward to: Bringing her home.  Although, the other night we realized we had to get in some husband-wife quality time while we still could.  We were debating going to the movies l because we were so tired, but when I brought up that we wouldn't be able to just pick up and go out like that in a matter of weeks, we both dragged out butts out the door.  Love you, little nugget who will soon be the reason I won't have a huge social life anymore :) Kidding, of course I'd rather stay home with baby!

32 weeks - BIG UPDATE ON BABY C (edited)

Just call me Goodyear

How far along? 32 weeks!  If baby C comes today, her chances of having a brain bleed (which is common in preemies) is drastically reduced.
What's happening with  baby? Baby should be almost 4 pounds.... should be.
Total weight gain: I'd weigh myself but the scale is allll the way upstaaaaaaairs sooo... no.
Maternity clothes?  Shirts for sure. Yoga pants are still awesome but my nurse gave me her old maternity jeans and they are amazing :)
Stretch marks? Nope but still watching for them... also watching for my belly button to pop, which should happen any second now. Seriously. One more dinner and I think I'll have an outie (update: had dinner, still an innie).
Sleep: You know the term "slept like a baby?"  Really, that term should mean that YOU DON'T SLEEP.  Anyway, that's what I've been doing - sleeping like a baby. Up every two hours to pee. I asked my husband if he would help clean me up if I pee the bed, because I've almost done it about ten times now.  He said yes. What a guy.
Miss Anything? Breathing like a normal human being.

Difficulties this week: It's Conner and Benjamin's birthday week.  It's in two days.  I am dedicated to my little girl, but you can imagine how focused I am on the boys right now.

In Baby C news, she had a growth scan today.  She has dropped drastically in size.  My doctors thought originally that this might just be genetic, but every time she is measured, her rate of growth decreases.  This signals that something is wrong, probably with her placenta. It could be aging prematurely, and we don't know when it will decide to stop working. She definitely has IUGR. My OB called the MFM today for a consult, and they have decided that they are going to monitor her three times a week now instead of twice.  In addition, she will have another growth scan in three weeks (January 29th ish).  At that time, my OB and MFM will decide when to deliver her.  We could deliver as early as 35 weeks, or as late as 39 weeks.  Of course, I hope it is 39 weeks.  However, it may be safer for baby girl to be on the outside than on the inside right now.  She needs nourishment to grow, and she is not getting enough from my crappy placenta.  What I fear is, although 35-39 weeks is good (great?) gestation, she will be small - so she will have more problems that the average NICU baby at her age.  She'll have more trouble regulating her body temperature, etc.  And they won't let her go home until she reaches a goal weight.  I'll probably deliver her, and they'll take her straight to the NICU. I fear I won't even get to hold her right away.  

Movement: Ohhhh yeaaaaaah.  As I'm typing, she's kicking me right under the boobs.  How the heck did you get up there, little girl?
Food cravings/aversions: DID YOU KNOW THEY STILL MAKE KOALA YUMMIES?!  But they are found in the asian grocery stores lol.  My friends got me some and I am super excited.
Symptoms: Swelling is not as bad as it has been (thanks to me constantly cleaning the house, my circulation has never been better).  But I am tired all the time - I need like, two naps a day and I sleep in as long as I can now.
Looking forward to: Baby girl's last piece of furniture coming in on Tuesday!  Finally!  Nursery can start getting really organized now... maybe... I'm really procrasinating on this one.

31 weeks. 2015, here we come...

Dear 2014 (you asshole),

My boys died 10 days into the New Year. Every day since then, I've been struggling on how to live without them.  Who is taking care of them?  Do they miss me?  Are they happy?  All year, I haven't felt like myself. I feel empty and guilty and sad and a million other things that I can't even keep up with. 

And then you loaded all kinds of other shit on me.  My mom got cancer.  My grandfather died. Everyone got pregnant and it was lovely when they shoved their happiness in my face.  I lost friends. I lost my sanity. I'm still looking for it. 

But about halfway into this year, I also got pregnant with my daughter. I felt her kick for the first time. I feel hopeful. 

So, 2014, I'm not sure whether to tell you to go fuck yourself or thank you for at least trying to regain some of your dignity. You can't make up for what was taken from me, but at least you gave me my little girl. 

2015, I have high expectations.  But considering 2014 was so shitty, it shouldn't be hard to live up to them. Just don't kill anyone, okay?  

How far along? 31 weeks. Hot damn.
What's happening with  baby? Baby Center says she is over 16 inches long and weighs over 3 pounds. She can turn her head and she is getting "fatter" every day.  Aw, reminds me of when I nicknamed her "fat baby" because I was gaining weight so quickly.
Total weight gain: Haven't weighed myself.  Not sure if I care anymore.
Maternity clothes?  Yes and no.  Yoga pants still fit. The shirt I'm wearing is a maternity shirt (*gasp*), handed down to me courtesy of my sister-in-law.  I love free stuff, especially when I am too cheap to buy things I won't use in another two months.
Stretch marks? NOPE!  Could it be that some luck has hit me???
Sleep: I went through two rolls of toilet paper last night on pee breaks. That should say enough on how I'm sleeping.
Miss Anything? Being able to wax my legs without having to adjust my belly. Since it's getting difficult, my legs are, well, shall we say - gearing up for winter?
Difficulties this week: Baby C's NST was not good on Monday - she almost failed it. But it was naptime, and she woke up at the time I told the OB she would.  However, he warned me that if I had been 32 weeks along and not 30... she would have failed.  Naturally (well, for me), I though that eating a crapload of sugar would do the trick to get her to wake up and move. I left the OB's office with a shirt dirtied with crumbs.  I'll bring a bib next time.
Movement: So last night was interesting.  Apparently, she was super excited for the New Year because she kept me up all night kicking me - HARD.  I mean, the kind where I was practically begging her to take a nap.  Also, the term "lightening crotch" has a new meaning to me - I swear, this girl was tap dancing with high heels in my vagina.  While also riding a roller coaster. While also practicing karate. She could be the new Charlie's Angel.
Food cravings/aversions: Changes daily, but right now I want some damn pancakes. Tall stack, please, and keep 'em coming.
Symptoms: Fingers are starting to swell, so I've taken to not wearing my rings as much lately.
Looking forward to: Getting this nursery done. My office is being painted as I type this (thanks dad!) and all my office stuff is crammed into the nursery temporarily.  I'm "nesting" right now so you can imagine how deliriously insane this is making me!

HOLY SNOWMANBALLS, 30 WEEKS

How far along? THIRTY WEEKS!!! MY ORIGINAL GOAL!!!  We are here and Baby C has been active ALL DAY LONG.  I can't believe I woke up on Christmas morning, still pregnant.  Thank you, God.  Thank you, Conner and Benjamin.  I know baby girl's brothers are watching out for her.
What's happening with  baby? Baby is about the size of cabbage - almost 3 pounds and 15.7 inches long. She can sense light, and I'm beginning to realize that she prefers the dark.  If I lift up my shirt to watch her move, she stops. She has the hiccups everyday!
Total weight gain: 15 pounds, all in my belly, boobs, and very swollen legs.
Maternity clothes?  Yes and no.  I'm wearing yoga pants and a reguar stretchy shirt in this picture. Some maternity clothes fit me, but loosely.
Stretch marks? Nope!  I'm starting to think I'll be one of the lucky few!
Sleep: No need for naps anymore, but I am sleeping later into the morning.
Miss Anything? These two boys, on Christmas
Difficulties this week:  Let's just say - thank you God that the holidays are over (although... should I be thanking Him for that?)
Movement: She's a pro.  I think she will be one of those kids we need to put on a leash (er, baby harness).
Food cravings/aversions:  I don't crave sugar as much anymore - now all I want is MEAT!!! Bacon, please. All of it.
Symptoms: Legs are SO swollen. I barely recognize them. My rings are starting to get tight too! On the plus side, my boobs look phenomenal.
Looking forward to: Meeting this baby girl -

Christmas, minus two

I had visions of what Christmas would look like this year.  We would have two little boys, 8 months old, who didn't really grasp the concept of what Christmas was but were excited to see the wrapping paper flying and all of their family in one room. They wouldn't be able to walk just yet, but they would be mobile enough that I would have to keep a close eye on them and make sure they stayed out of trouble. I can almost hear them laughing at the lights and all the new toys they would get. I can see them hugging each other and crumpling up wrapping paper, pretending to "gift" them to their twin. We would bring our exhausted boys home after a long day visiting family, clean the cookie frosting off of their faces, and read them Christmas books while snuggling with them until they fell asleep. Then I would stay up late organizing their new gifts - based on how much they got for Christmas when I was pregnant with them, I was estimating that we would need two cars to bring home what they would get on their first Christmas home.

I only cried once this Christmas - when my father-in -aw said grace and thanked God for our big family. We are, after all, minus two. My heart was breaking the entire day, over and over again, each time we uwrapped gifts for Baby C and not for Conner and Ben, each time I saw a baby or a child open their gifts, and each minute I looked into my arms only to find them empty.

Conner and Ben were born just over two weeks after Christmas.  Just 16 days after we announced we were having boys.  Just 4 days after my 29th birthday.  Just 10 days shy of viability. The balloons from our gender reveal weren't even deflated by then.

Instead of taking home our excited, exhausted, and wide-eyed baby boys from Christmas festivities this year, we took home ornaments and books for them.  I can only hope and pray that every year, our family remembers them the way that they did this Christmas.

It is Christmas, though, so I need to add some happy in here:

My dear friend Amanda, who lost her baby Nathaniel, sent us ornaments for Conner and Benjamin

When we donated to the library for Infant Loss Awareness, we received a list of books donated in Conner and Ben's names.  We bought those books for them for Christmas. 

Miranda's face as packaging went flying is priceless.

Boys bought me a new Kindle - I obviously love it. Tim and I decided not to buy each other anything this year so that we could "gift ourselves" a new couch instead. We kinda cheated by getting stuff for each other from the boys. 

Boys bought daddy a new speaker!

Baby C's ornament is just awaiting her name!

Forever and ever. 

More new books for our boys :)

My favorites for baby girl: a pink toolbox and a snowman filled with headbands and bows (all personalized, down to the minion bows, firefighter's daughter headbands, and Chicago Blackhawks clips!)

Not pictured: the rest of the stuff Baby Girl got. It barely fit into the truck. Spoiled girl already! If you are thinking of having a baby, I highly suggest being pregnant during Christmas.  You won't even need a baby shower afterwards!

29 weeks

First, thank you to everyone who submitted their information to participate in Conner and Benjamin's RAOK for their birthday!  I am so humbled and so blessed to have such support from so many people - so many of you have given me strength this past year, and from the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you, thank you.

If you tried submitting your  information via the contact form at the bottom of the blog, I just realized that it may or may not have worked. I apologized. You can leave your email in a comment and just indicate if you would like me to delete the comment as soon as I write down your email address.

I will be sending out the cards sometime next week - I am still waiting on people whose information is trickling in slowly.  That way, I can send out the cards all at once. If anyone still would like to participate, let me know :)

Kate, a fellow blogger and the HUGEST SWEETHEART, sent me this necklace for Conner and Ben's birthday. As you can imagine, I love everything about this - anything that reminds me of my boys is so special to me, and this even more so because it came from someone who has not only had a loss herself, but grew to know Conner and Ben through this blog. Thank you, Kate.  I can't even begin to tell you how happy this makes me!

In other news, Baby C is 29 weeks today!

I am obviously running out of wardrobe choices. But I'm getting ready for some NST time so I figured, welp, might as well be comfortable!

How far along? 29 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Baby weights about 2.5 pounds and is about 15 inches long (about the size of a butternut squash).  She is beginning to regulate her temperature and her bone marrow is in charge of producing her own blood cells!  She's also peeing quite a bit... and then swallowing it. Luckily, its just amniotic fluid :)
Total weight gain: 14 pounds
Maternity clothes?  Nope not really. Yoga pants are still my go-to! I'm not sure if I'll ever really wear maternity shirts - its hoodie season and they work perfect!
Stretch marks? Nada
Sleep: I'm peeing less in the middle of the night (*knock on wood) and I lost the extra sleep I've been getting because of it!
Miss Anything?  Being able to roll out of bed easily - Baby C is now in the way when I try to get out of bed, crouch down to pet Miranda, etc. Tim has to give me a hand sometimes - I laugh everytime he does. I have a feeling I won't be able to do certain things soon!
Difficulties this week:  Still wrapping my head around IUGR and the possibility that Baby C may be stillborn. But I'm on the monitor as I type this and I can hear her heartbeat and feel her moving away!
Movement: She is, as the nurse commented the other day, a mover and a shaker.
Food cravings/aversions:  Dare I say the dairy aversion is gone for good? The other day, Tim bought like, 10 boxes of fruit snacks.  Guess who is eating them 7 times a day.
Symptoms: Woke up this morning to swelling in my hands. Hooray for my sausage fingers.
Looking forward to: Getting to my original goal of 30 weeks next week! It seems like such a big number.

11 months. 28 weeks. Christmas. Big update on Baby C.

Yesterday, Conner and Ben had their 11 month birthday in heaven.  I cannot believe it has been 11 months.  Now that we are past this milestone, we are heading into their first birthday.  My mind still cannot wrap around the fact that they have been gone for so long.  It feels like just a few weeks ago that we were saying hello to them, and then saying goodbye.  You would think that losing them would get easier with time - but it doesn't. It gets worse. I'm beginning to forget what their baby lotion smelled like, what it felt like to kiss their little heads, the grasp of their fingers. Please God, do not let me forget these precious moments with my sons.

Just this week, I was thinking that our boys have not given us any signs from heaven lately.  We have been finding dimes every once in awhile in places that they shouldn't be, but that is about it.  I was thinking that it would be wonderful to get a big sign from them like when the smoke detector went off in their nursery, reminding me to put their urn in a fireproof box before we went on vacation.

So imagine my joy on their 11th birthday when Tim went to the FD and found these two dimes in front of his locker:

and then even more so, when I opened the door to our master bedroom and our smoke detector went off, signaling smoke that did not exist.  I have to admit, I was scared at first.  But then I was so happy that my boys read my mind - like, ok mom, you want another smoke detector to go off?  Here you go!

This morning, I dropped off donations at the hospital Conner and Benjamin were born at.  We are so blessed to have had an excellent nursing team with us during our stay there.  We also had numerous doctors who did everything they could to prevent the boys being born before 24 weeks, and then when that failed, they did everything they could to do right by the boys and by us.  My sister-in-law, Tim, and I bought preemie clothing for the NICU and bought "Conner giraffes" and "Benjamin puppies" for the Children's hospital.  When I went to drop off the box of donations, I made sure to tell the nurse that the giraffes and puppies were the same ones that we gave our babies in the hospital. We cannot get them many things for Christmas, nor can we celebrate with them the way that we could have had they been brought home. But I am determined to do good in their name, and I hope that every year we can donate to the hospital in their memory.

We donated two of Ben's puppies, two of Conner's giraffes, and two different puppies and two different giraffes

Ben's puppies

Conner's giraffes

On each stuffed animal, I sewed on a blue taggie with stars and moons. I love you to the moon and back, baby boys. 

Preemie clothes given to the NICU

Today also marks 28 weeks for their little sister. As our time without our boys grows longer, our time to meet our little girl grows near. I know it will be a difficult journey to be a mother to angel babies and a mother to living children, but I think that Conner and Benjamin will slowly show me how to do it.

Bonus: FD Christmas party bump!

How far along? 28 weeks.  If she were born today, she would have over a 90% chance of survival.
What's happening with  baby? Baby C is about 2 pounds, 4 ounces (per her ultrasound today) and is almost 15 inches long (estimate from Baby Center).  Her brain is starting to develop folds and is gaining weight quickly. She can dream!
Total weight gain: 13 pounds, although I ate my feelings today so probably more like 15 after dinner
Maternity clothes?  Not really.  I have a pair of maternity leggings that I wear, but they are still big! Luckily, I found a "new" pair of (non-maternity) yoga pants in the back of my closet that I must have bought when I was pregnant with the boys.  They fit perfect and give my belly lots of support!
Stretch marks? Surprisingly no.
Sleep: Up all night to pee, and tired all day (and still peeing)
Miss Anything?  I gave Tim my delivery day wish list last night: sushi, grilled cheese with bacon, California club from Jimmy Johns, and eggs benedict.

Difficulties this week: 

Well, today was the 28 week growth scan.  I admit, I went in optimistic that her head had caught up to the rest of her body.

I could not be more wrong. 

Baby C's head circumference went from the 11th percentile down to the 4th percentile this week.  Her BPD (Biparietal Diameter) improved slightly, from the 4th percentile to the 5th percentile.  But her abdomen was the big news - it went from the 33rd percentile to the 10th percentile.  Baby C now qualifies as having IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction).  This usually happens when the placenta does not implant properly.  Shitty luck, again.

So, the chances of Baby C being a stillborn are increased.  In an effort to catch any problems before something horrible happens, I am being monitored twice a week for NSTs and Biophysical profiles.  If the baby does not perform well on the twice weekly monitoring, she will be delivered early in an effort to save her. 

The good news? She rocked her NST today.  Her baseline HB is 150.  They look for her HB to raise to at least 160 every time she moves, and they want her to do that at least twice while I am being monitored.  She was monitored for about 15 minutes and she moved and her HB raised over FIFTY times.  The nurses kept walking in asking who was making all that noise!  Just this little bundle of energy over here!  

If she continues to do well on her monitoring, we won't have to deliver early.  Maybe she is just small.  But every week she keeps getting smaller and smaller (percentile-wise), and that is raising many red flags.  

Baby girl, hang in there. 


Movement: All the time for me!  Not really for Tim. Poor guy. Everytime he goes to feel her, she freezes.
Food cravings/aversions:  Eat all the sugar! And all the food in general.
Symptoms: Swelling.  Also, yesterday I almost passed out from being dizzy.  Luckily my home health care nurse was there.  I think I was just pushing myself too hard to get stuff done around the house and my body was trying to get me to settle down. I'm also now borderline anemic - they look for levels to be above 10.5 and I am at a 10.8, so onto iron supplements I go!
Looking forward to: My original goal was to still be pregnant on Christmas, which would be 30 weeks.  The more I think about it, my goal is really to get to February 1st (and beyond).  C'mon, February!

Little Munchkin

27 weeks

Ignore the outlet... again.  We are replacing it, I swear!

How far along? 27 weeks - last week of second trimester!
What's happening with  baby? Baby girl is almost 2 pounds and has a regular sleeping schedule.  She can open and close her eyes (I actually witnessed this on our 3d scan on Monday!).  Her brain is very active now. I wonder what she is thinking?
Total weight gain: Don't know, don't care.
Maternity clothes?  Kinda. ish.  I bought maternity jeans - the smallest size they've got at Kohl's - and I am SWIMMING in them.  I guess it doesn't help that I have to shop in the junior's section and they don't sell maternity clothes in junior's sizes, haha.  But in this picture, I am wearing maternity leggings (huge - they go up to my boobs and they are really loose) and a maternity sweater (huge again - thus why I tied a black ribbon around it so it doesn't look like a tarp).
Stretch marks? Nope, but I'm waiting - I know they are coming!
Sleep: Same old, same old.  Last night I woke up to my leg cramping and Tim rubbed it until it stopped :)
Miss Anything?  Eating chocolate without getting sick!  But next week is my blood sugar test so I guess not eating sugar right now is good.
Difficulties this week:  Going through Conner and Ben's things and deciding what we can use for Baby C.  Turns out, Tim and I don't want to reuse much of anything - they are just for the boys, so they'll go in a dresser for them. I just can't bear to see another baby in their clothes, even if it is their sister.
Movement: Hell yeah.
Food cravings/aversions:  Still a dairy aversion, still love sugar.
Symptoms: Edema.  Yuck.
Looking forward to: Our next ultrasound. Perhaps the only perk of being high risk is going to get ultrasounds every single week - and this will be the longest span in between ultrasounds since we just went Monday and I won't go again until the 28 week mark. I want to see that chubby little face!

Weekend Review and update at OB: picture review

Thanksgiving
Food. Family. Not much to share... missed the boys this year.  Read them a Thanksgiving book.  I am most thankful for them. Two pictures sum up our night:

Movember is over, mustache is gone!

Yep.  

Nursery
There is a dresser in baby girl's room now.  Unbelievable.  How have we gotten this far?

Now all we need to do is put the crib together... and wait for the other dresser and the hutch that are on backorder.  Oh yeah, and put a baby in the room. 

Miranda knows she isn't allowed in the nursery, so she pushes her limits by putting two paws in.  

Christmas decorations
Christmas threw up in our house this weekend.

You can't see it, but the star says: Conner and Ben's first Christmas

Two blue owls for the boys and three reindeir for all our babies are among the newbies on our tree. Also, turns out our tree is bigger than we thought - it barely fits in that corner!

No mantle, so they are on the ceiling.  Baby C's stocking is inside mine until next year :) 

OB UPDATE
Good news: Cervix is holding steady and actually gained 2mm since Wednesday.  OB does not think this is incompetent cervix - rather, since I'm nearing the third trimester (whoa), my cervix is naturally starting to wear a bit.  Baby girl is doing well, and we have our next appointment next Thursday for her third growth scan.  OB also told me that he just saw a mother who is 6 weeks post-partum today. Her baby's head was measuring in the third percentile (Baby C is currently in the fourth).  But, now her baby is 6 weeks old and her baby's head is in the 36th percentile.  OB said it was not unusual for a baby's growth to catch up very quickly once they are born.  That gives me a lot of hope!

Hi all! 

The Sacred Project

Over the summer, I participated in The Sacred Project.  497 baby loss mothers were chosen to share their pictures of their most sacred space: It is a short film that will be available online tonight at http://thesacredproject.com/. I have not seen it yet, so I do not know what to expect.  If you would like, please stop by the website to view it!