Weekend Review: Mother's Day and Jordan is BAPTIZED!!!

Mother's Day this year was bittersweet.  Last year, I spent it with my husband missing my boys, grieving over their due date - coincidentally, the day after Mother's Day, waiting to move forward with our FET, waiting for news on whether or not my mom had cancer (she did), and wondering if I would ever get the chance to spend this special day with a baby in my arms. 

This year, I did.  But every Mother's Day for the rest of my life, I will forever be missing two. I will never get over that.

Mother's day this year was pretty, well, boring. We did a whole lotta nada. Ever since I was pregnant with the boys, I always imagined my first Mother's Day would be spent at the zoo.  I wanted to walk around with my babies in their stroller, taking in the spring air, and seeing all the animals.  I knew they would be too young to care about the zoo, but I figured they would love going for the walk.  This year, I wanted to do that with Jordan.  And then, because it's spring, it rained like an asshole all day. So I spent Mother's Day doing laundry. So. Much. Fun.

Mother's Day in the church nursery, visiting her Auntie - the only place we made it to on actual Mother's Day!

Not to say that Mother's Day wasn't great. Jordan got me a spa gift certificate (much, much needed!) and Conner and Benjamin got us tickets to see The Book of Mormon, which we went to see this weekend. Verdict? Highly offensive and freaking hilarious. My kind of good time. I've wanted to go see this since FOREVER.  The writers of South Park did what they always do: entertain, offend, and then, at the end - make a very good point. What if religion is all made up?  Does it even matter? Look at all the good it is doing in the world.

Most importantly, laundry or not, I got to spend the day with Jordan. Everyday with her is a perfect day.

But the best part of the weekend was baptizing my daughter in His Name, welcoming her into the church, and spending the day with our closest 40 family and friends who love Jordan and recognize how special it is that she is here, healthy and happy.

While she was being baptized, I was hit with a wave of emotions. My last two children to get baptized died shortly after. Their baptism was short and bittersweet.  There were no pictures of their baptism, no Godparents present, no church.  They were handed to me and baptized as soon as I could get my arms around them. I only remember their baptism in my mind and heart, and even then - I'm not sure exactly what was said. I only know how grateful I am that they were able to be baptized in the name of the Holy Spirit before they went to heaven.

And here Jordan was, being baptized, in all the pomp and circumstance that these traditions have to offer. Was this real? Thank God it was.

I wondered if she would cry during the baptism, but while she was getting water poured onto her head, she looked around and up at me in wonderment and just let life happen.  This is a very big deal - Jordan is NOT a laid back baby.  I expected tears.  I expected screaming. I was armed with pacifiers in her diaper bag (which goes against my pacifier rules of only letting her have it when she's sucking her thumb or fussy at night). But she smiled and let people hold her and took pictures like a champ.

Then we got to the lunch, and she was hysterical.  My baby does not do well with crowds. She gets overwhelmed very easily. She had her bottle late and took forever to finish it because she was so distracted (and distraught) over the people trying to get her attention. She pooped on her daddy, had to change out of her lunch outfit, and bawled when being changed into her new lunch outfit. Three outfits by 4 pm.  Four outfits, if you include her jammies from this morning. Very impressive. Regardless, she was, of course, the center of everyone's attention. AND she kept saying mama, in front of other people, so now it doesn't sound like I am a total liar.

So many people told us how glad they were to see us so happy. Tim's former captain took the time to remind us of how Conner and Ben had tiny feet, but left big footprints.  He told us that in their log book at th FD, he routinely puts two crosses next to special events that happens - for Conner and Ben. That way, they ride with the guys everywhere they go. They are always with us.

Conner and Ben helped make this day, and we will never forget that.

I'll leave you with obligatory baby pictures :) You didn't think I would end a post without them, did you?

First outfit of the day: baptism dress made by Grandma, used by both her girl cousins before her. New tradition?

Oh, the headband :)

Outfit two, before pooping on daddy

Bottom Layer: confetti cake with raspberry preserves

Top Layer: banana cake with strawberry preserves

On her third outfit of the day

From her Godparents, complete with two blue beads to represent her guardian angels

Peeing on sticks like it's my hobby

On Monday, I was walking Miranda and talking to God.  Miranda and I were hustling because I could hear thunder and I knew there was a chance of storms in the area.  I told Him that I already loved this embryo more than I loved myself, and asked him to please give us this pregnancy.  I knew I tested early and got a negative test, but I knew with Him anything was possible and maybe the next day would bring different results.  Right when I finished saying all of this, a cloud parted and the sun came down right on me.

So I peed on a stick on Tuesday morning.  It was negative.

But then...

it turned into a very, very faint positive.

I didn't trust it.  So I decided to take another test that afternoon before I told Tim.  My husband came home not even an hour after I took that test, which was very unlike him.  Turns out, since I didn't text him that morning to tell him the test was negative, he figured out that he was positive. So, because he is probably more anxious than I am about this, he left work and drove home. He noticed that I opened the new box of pregnancy tests (which I denied being new, I told him that had been open).  He dug through the trash after I left the bathroom to see where the test was.  No test in the trash, so he knew I had it.

He stuck around for awhile but I wouldn't say a word about it.  I tested later that afternoon and it was positive again (!), but knowing he was on to me, I didn't say anything again.  Then he came home AGAIN to check on me, telling me he would buy me more tests if I would just take another test right now.  I told him no, I was waiting until tomorrow.  When the hell did my husband become a detective?

I finally caved when we were trying to figure out where to go for dinner.  I said, "I think you should take me out to dinner, because I'm pregnant!"  Oh, he pretended to be surprised.  He threw me up in the air (and I almost hit my head on the ceiling fan) and wouldn't let me go for a long time.  And then, of course, said, "I KNEW IT!"

I peed on these.  Left is from Monday's negative, middle two are the extremely faint ones from Tuesday, and right one is from Wednesday. 

Also, I saw my mom yesterday, who said that one of her tumors is gone.  We are so, so blessed.  She still has a long road ahead of her to get rid of the other tumor, but this is wonderful news.

I am calling this embryo "Baby C."  Conner was "Baby A" and Ben was "Baby B" while I was pregnant (that is how doctors name the babies in multiple gestation, with Baby A closer to the cervix).  Baby C is technically like a triplet to them, since our babies all are from the same "batch" of embryos.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for her and for our little embryo.  Thank you, God.  Thank you, Conner.  Thank you, Benjamin.

***PLEASE, IF YOU KNOW ME PERSONALLY AND HAVE STUMBLED ACROSS MY BLOG, WE ARE ASKING THAT YOU DO NOT SHARE THIS GREAT NEWS. WE WOULD LOVE TO TELL OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS IN A VERY SPECIAL WAY ONCE I AM FURTHER ALONG.***

A sermon and weekend review

The sermon on Sunday was about friends who disappear when you need them the most.  The friends who are not there because they do not know how to be, or because they choose not to be.  Our pastor spoke about people who have lost their children or spouse and how the friends they thought would be there for them suddenly were not, and the people on the "margins" - those friends you do not see often or speak to frequently - all of a sudden stepped up and were the greatest support.  It was the first time in a long time that I didn't cry in church.  It was like this sermon was practically written for me.

I love my friends.  Most of them have been there for us in the best way that they know how.  Some of them are wrapped up in their own lives and disappeared when we needed them the most.  They got frustrated because they didn't understand the situation, so rather than simply listening, they let their exasperation get the best of them and took it out on us.  And then friends that we rarely talk to were starting prayer chains, starting fundraisers, and their own hearts were breaking - all for our boys.  It really rings true, that old saying: "you find out who your real friends are."

Some of our favorite things for the boys came from strangers who were touched by their story.  We have gotten wind chimes, gift baskets, stars named after them, prayer chains for them, and so many cards I can't even count, many of which include stories of other people's losses. Our church paid for the boys' cremation, and the funeral director, having lost three children himself, waived their costs.  The wonderful families who donated hats and blankets as well as money for memory boxes to the hospital have done more than they could imagine.  Just over the weekend I wandered into the boys' nursery and held their hats, remembering what it was like to hold my beautiful boys.

A cross, given to us by a mother who lost her own daughter.  It is next to a Precious Moments figurine that my mom and I bought together years and years ago, named "Safe in the Arms of Jesus"

A wind chime, given to us by my sister's work

The engraving on the wind chime

The poem that came with the wind chime

The rest of the weekend went surprisingly well.  Miranda got loose from the yard, unbeknownst to me.  I was watering the plants in the front yard and all of a sudden a dog came pouncing at me from all the way down the street. Imagine my surprise when I turned around and saw it was my own.  So, we spent Saturday having to fix the busted fence gate.  Sunday and Monday were spent at my parent's house, eating so much food that I am terrified to step on a scale.  Luckily, we burned off a ton of calories helping our friends clear out trees at their new house yesterday.  Today my mom starts radiation and chemo. Yesterday may have been the last day in a long time that I was able to see my mom not sick.  So starts a week that I really, really do not want to start.

Trust

Through my blog and through loss forums, I have been blessed to have been able to connect with people who are also going through the losses of their precious babies.  I certainly do not rejoice in hearing about the loss of a baby, but talking to these women has made me feel less like an anomaly.  I can only hope that talking to me and reading this blog also helps these girls feel like they are not alone in their grief. Yesterday, one of these girls emailed me with a daily devotional, written from God's perspective, that really hit home with me.  I really needed it today. Thank you, Erica, for sharing this with me:

"Trusting Me is a moment-by-moment choice. My people have not always understood this truth. After I performed miracles in the wilderness, My chosen children trusted Me intensely-but only temporarily. Soon the grumbling began again, testing My patience to the utmost. Isn't it often the same with you? You trust Me when things go well, when you see Me working on your behalf. This type of trust flows readily within you, requiring no exertion of your will. When things go wrong, your trust-flow slows down and solidifies. You are forced to choose between trusting Me intentionally or rebelling, resenting My ways with you. This choice constitutes a fork in the road. Stay on the path of Life with Me, enjoying My Presence. Choose to trust Me in all circumstances."

I find it incredibly hard to trust God right now.  I know I have to, because he has Benjamin Bacon and Conner Chubby-Cheeks in the palms of his hands. But I prayed to him every night to help me get these boys to a safe gestation.  I knew from the start we were at risk for preterm delivery since they were twins.  I trusted. And then God took them at 22.5 weeks.

Still, I tried to trust.  I asked God to help me decide when to try to have another baby.  We had clearance to try a frozen embryo transfer in April.  I signed up.  My body, though, had different ideas.  I was bleeding when I wasn't supposed to. We weren't even near the boys' due date yet. I was still so emotionally wrecked, and my body was telling me it was not ready.  I took this as a sign from God. I cancelled the cycle.  I signed up for May.

I feel ready now.  My body has gained its strength back.  While I am obviously distraught and sad, let's face it - I will never stop feeling horrible over the loss of my sons.  I was looking forward to this May cycle.  It was something to look forward to, this bright light of hope in the middle of complete desperation.

And then I started to have discharge.  I had no idea what it was, so I went in for testing.  My OB called today to say that I tested negative for yeast and bacteria.  That's great news, except that it leaves us with zero clue what this discharge is.  He believes that it is my body just trying to get back to normal.  Hormones can cause all kinds of crazy things.

I called my RE nurse and told her what had happened.  She said yes, it was probably by body trying to normalize itself.  Which means that maybe its a good idea to cancel the May cycle and move it to June.  But it is up to ME to decide... by Monday.

OMG.  Is this ever going to happen?  I was finally ready.  I was looking forward to this.  I had even decided if I had to stay home and skip our vacation to Bermuda to do this May cycle, I would do it.  And now we're talking about canceling again?  I AM READY TO TOUCH THE BUTT!  LET ME TOUCH THE BUTT!

I've lost my babies.  I keep missing these chances to get pregnant again.  And now I have to show God that I trust Him.  This isn't difficult.  This is damn near impossible.  But this devotional really speaks to me.  I trusted Him when times were good.  I need to trust Him when times are bad.  I just wish I knew WHAT WAS GOING ON.  I mean, c'mon, God.  Give me a hint.  The anticipation of what is to come is destroying any chance of a positive outlook from my perspective.

I hope you're right, Isaiah. 

On faith and the Lord

Our unity cross on our wedding day

Before my boys were born, I believed that if I prayed hard enough to God, he would hear me and answer my prayers.  I believed that every experience was meant to happen for a reason.  Consequences made the world go round. When I was pregnant, I prayed every night that God would keep my boys happy, safe, and healthy.  I also asked him to help me carry my twins to term.

We all see how that turned out.

After my boys died, I struggled with my faith.  I still do.  What kind of God kills babies?  What kind of God leaves a mother childless?  I was so/am so angry with God.  I put my faith in him.  How could he do this to Conner and Benjamin?

I still believe in God.  I believe He is present when we need him.  But my view on Him is different.

I no longer believe that God is a micromanager.  I do not believe that God has everything laid out before us and knows each step we are going to take.  I  believe that God gave us free will.  As a ramification of that, He cannot control every situation.  The randomness of life can cause us pain or joy, and He has chosen this road of randomness in order to give us the opportunity to learn and grow on our own. We could not prove our faith or worthiness of heaven if He has control of every step we take.

I do not believe God chose me for this. I am not strong enough for this.  It's not like I wanted to be the face of infant loss.  I don't want to be an example.  I can't be an example.  I suck. I do not believe God sits up in heaven, making a list of babies who are going to die today. He does not categorize who will and will not hurt today.  If God were to micromanage, there would be more justice in this world. I do not think he handpicked Conner and Benjamin to die that day.  I believe He mourned with us when my babies died.

I believe that God can choose to intervene in extraordinary circumstances, but many times He does not.  If he answered every prayer, we would not work for anything that we wanted.  Medical advances would not exist if a simple prayer to God was all it took, nor would a myriad of other things in this world.

I simply cannot believe that God chose this for Conner and Ben.  I cannot believe in a God who gives me my babies only to take them away purposefully.  What kind of lesson would you like me to learn, God? Because there is no lesson here.

I do believe that when Conner and Benjamin passed, God took them to heaven.  I believe that He loves them and keeps them in the company of family and friend gone before us.  I have to believe this, or I cannot go on living.

I understand that many mothers who have lost their babies find comfort in God's plan.  These are my beliefs. I do not force them on others.  I could be wrong.  I have no idea.  But maybe my new view on the Lord is right.  In the end, I don't really think it matters who is right or wrong.  What matters is that God has my babies safe in heaven, and they are happy.

Godspeed, little men.