On faith and the Lord

Our unity cross on our wedding day

Before my boys were born, I believed that if I prayed hard enough to God, he would hear me and answer my prayers.  I believed that every experience was meant to happen for a reason.  Consequences made the world go round. When I was pregnant, I prayed every night that God would keep my boys happy, safe, and healthy.  I also asked him to help me carry my twins to term.

We all see how that turned out.

After my boys died, I struggled with my faith.  I still do.  What kind of God kills babies?  What kind of God leaves a mother childless?  I was so/am so angry with God.  I put my faith in him.  How could he do this to Conner and Benjamin?

I still believe in God.  I believe He is present when we need him.  But my view on Him is different.

I no longer believe that God is a micromanager.  I do not believe that God has everything laid out before us and knows each step we are going to take.  I  believe that God gave us free will.  As a ramification of that, He cannot control every situation.  The randomness of life can cause us pain or joy, and He has chosen this road of randomness in order to give us the opportunity to learn and grow on our own. We could not prove our faith or worthiness of heaven if He has control of every step we take.

I do not believe God chose me for this. I am not strong enough for this.  It's not like I wanted to be the face of infant loss.  I don't want to be an example.  I can't be an example.  I suck. I do not believe God sits up in heaven, making a list of babies who are going to die today. He does not categorize who will and will not hurt today.  If God were to micromanage, there would be more justice in this world. I do not think he handpicked Conner and Benjamin to die that day.  I believe He mourned with us when my babies died.

I believe that God can choose to intervene in extraordinary circumstances, but many times He does not.  If he answered every prayer, we would not work for anything that we wanted.  Medical advances would not exist if a simple prayer to God was all it took, nor would a myriad of other things in this world.

I simply cannot believe that God chose this for Conner and Ben.  I cannot believe in a God who gives me my babies only to take them away purposefully.  What kind of lesson would you like me to learn, God? Because there is no lesson here.

I do believe that when Conner and Benjamin passed, God took them to heaven.  I believe that He loves them and keeps them in the company of family and friend gone before us.  I have to believe this, or I cannot go on living.

I understand that many mothers who have lost their babies find comfort in God's plan.  These are my beliefs. I do not force them on others.  I could be wrong.  I have no idea.  But maybe my new view on the Lord is right.  In the end, I don't really think it matters who is right or wrong.  What matters is that God has my babies safe in heaven, and they are happy.

Godspeed, little men.