Books about pregnancy and infant loss

I wish this was my couch.  Its not. Mine is leather with blankets thrown all over it. Via pinterest

Hi all.  Since my Conner and my Benjamin died in January, I have been reading like crazy - maybe a new book every 2-3 days.  Along with blogging, reading about other people's experience has really helped me through my grief and my emotions.  I think it helps because no one really knows what I am going through, and reading memoirs of mothers who have lost their babies makes me feel like I'm not alone. I've also read books from people who have experienced infertility. Below is a list of books I have read with some short descriptions.  I hope that some of these helps all of you.  I am writing brief descriptions here, and I know they may seem like spoilers but the information I'm providing is part of the book descriptions (on the book jackets, Amazon, book websites, etc.) so I'm not really giving anything away.  These are in no particular order:

Love, Mom by Cynthia Baseman - from a mother to her stillborn daughter.  She explores grief and how the loss created a riff between herself and her husband.

This Lovely Life by Vicki Forman - oh boy... difficult to read.... - her twins were born at 23 weeks, and she made the decision to give them comfort care only.  However, the hospital she was at resuscitated her babies (due to California law, they had to resuscitate if the babies showed any signs of life).  Her daughter dies and her son is left profoundly disabled.  This book is heartbreaking and shows the immense strength of a mother.

For the Love of Babies by Dr. Sue Hall - various stories about a doctor working in the NICU.  She recalls memorable patients.  Warning: some of these babies die, and some survive.  I personally chose to skip over the chapters of those babies with happy endings because it made me so angry that my babies were not one of them.

To Full Term by Darci Klein - One of my favorites.  This mother's personality reminds me so much of my own.  After she delivers her daughter prematurely, she goes on to have multiple miscarriages and an early delivery of her twins at 23 weeks (neither of them survived).  She then becomes pregnant, a total shock to her and her husband.  She takes her failed pregnancies into her own hands, does research, and demands specific treatments from her doctors.  And guess what?  IT WORKED.  She managed to deliver a full term baby boy, all because of her own persistence and research.

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken - sShe learns her baby boy has died during her 9th month of pregnancy.  The author is a little jumpy from chapter to chapter, but overall may be worth reading.

I Will Carry You by Angie Smith  - Heartbreaking.  This is a very Christian- centered book.  She learns her baby will not survive outside the womb.  Instead of terminating the pregnancy, she and her husband decide to carry the baby so that they can spend a few hours with their baby and so that their baby will know the love of their family.

Half Baked by Alexa Stevenson - One of my favorites - it may actually be my top pick.  The author delivers twins prematurely.  One is stillborn, the other spends a lot of time in the NICU.  She spends much of her time writing about being a NICU mother, but she does address her grief over her son.  She has a way of writing that makes you want to be friends with her.  She is somehow humorous, even through her loss.

Holding Sylvan by Monica Wesolowska  - Out of all the books I read, this one was by far the most difficult to get through.  Obviously all the books are for various reasons, but this one takes the cake.  Her baby boy is left brain dead, and for reasons I will not explain here, she and her husband have decided to let their baby go.  The thing is, his brainstem is still working, leaving his vital organs functioning (but that's it).  The only way to let him go is to withhold food from him, as to euthanize people is illegal.  He survives for weeks, and she watches her baby slowly die.  Many people will have varying opinions of this mother and her choice, but I closed the book knowing that she did indeed love her son and did what she believed was best for him.  Never in a million years could I do go through what this woman did.

Fragile Beginnings by Dr. Adam Wolfberg  - A new ob doctor rushes his wife to the hospital when she goes into labor with their daughter prematurely.  They spend alot of time in the NICU.  This book is less about how he dealt with his experience with his daughter and more about the history of the NICU and premature babies, as well as the lengths doctors will go through to save premature babies (as well as some insight as to whether or not it may be worth it for babies on the brink of viability, or in other words, earlier than 24 weeks).

Swimming in Circles by Michael Barr - From a father's perspective of what it is like when his wife goes through endless IVF cycles.  It's pretty funny - he is actually really humorous through the whole thing, but you can still sense his frustration.  This book has a ridiculously happy ending that I wasn't prepared for.

Breeding in Captivity by Stacy Bolt - So it sounds really weird that I keep saying these authors are "funny," but you know what?  Some of them really, really are.  She really takes the cake.  She goes through infertility treatments and eventually finds her way to motherhood.  I won't spoil the ending.

Inconceivable by Carolyn & Sean Savage - Most of you have probably heard of this infamous IVF mix up.  The Savages go in for an FET, and someone else's embryo is implanted in Carolyn's uterus.  It sticks.  They decide to carry the baby to term, knowing that they will have to give up a baby they think of as their son.

Cracked Open by Miriam Zoll - From an international health and human rights advocate.  She gives a lot of information on IVF, especially those details that many doctors may leave out.  She goes through treatments herself, and like Stacy Bolt, eventually finds her way to motherhood.

Proof of Heaven by Dr. Eben Alexander  - I wanted to read books that proved heaven was real, and that my boys were there.  I have faith in God, but as you can imagine when you lose two baby boys you start to question God.  This book was written by a neurosurgeon who often hears stories from his patients about their near death experiences, but often blows them off. He always had scientific reasons for why they thought they experienced heaven.  That is, until he has a near death experience himself.  He is brain dead for days, and travels to heaven and lives to tell his story.  He even tries to refute what he has experienced with medicine and science, but to no avail.  This may be the real deal.

Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo - cute story.  A lot of people like it, so I decided to put it on this list.  I have my suspicions about this book, as it was told by a preschooler to his preacher father.  But that is my opinion only, so make of it what you will.  They are making this into a movie, so as you can guess, many people love this book.