You never know who is struggling with infertility

As many of you know, this is is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I have chosen not to "come out," for various reasons. But I came across this list of things to be aware of when you are friends with someone battling infertility.  I would like to share them with you.  I've only shared my struggles with infertility to a few people, and they can be quite insensitive with what they say.  I've chosen to stop telling anyone in my personal life about our journey to expand our family.  People's hearts are sometimes in the right places, but their words aren't.  Words hurt, especially when they can be avoided.

You  never know who is 1 in 8.  Please consider that:

1.  Infertility is a disease; a medical condition. No amount of ill-considered advice is going to change that.

2. Other people’s fertility hurts my feelings. I know it’s not their fault, that’s what our bodies are meant to do. But I can’t do it, and it is upsetting to me.

3.  Strangers, friends and family speaking to me as if I am ignorant because I don’t have children is hurtful. Ie: You’ll understand/you’ll change your mind/you’ll know better…when you have kids.

4.  Infertility affects every part of my life. My relationship (physical and emotional) with my spouse and others, my self-esteem, my mood (all the time, up and down), my future plans (or lack thereof, because I can’t plan past the next treatment), and we can’t forget, my bank account.

5.  If someone doesn’t have kids it is not appropriate to ask them if/when/how many children they plan on having. Even if they do already have a child/children, don’t. I don’t ask you what your salary is, or your sexual preference. Please do not ask me about the status of my uterus.

6.  The point of marriage is not (necessarily) to have children. Sure, it is generally the by-product of marriage, but not the sole purpose. And not everyone wants to get knocked up on their honeymoon. Keep that in mind, and see #5.

7.  Fortunately (for you), and unfortunately for us (suffering from IF) you cannot understand what this is like. You may have an idea from what we’ve told you, or you’ve read. You’ll know that it is horrible, and be able to sympathize with the fact that we are in pain. But there really is no way for you to fully understand. The psychological effects have been compared to having cancer. Keep that in mind.

8.  If you are someone I have let into my IF world, sometimes I will want to talk about it, and sometimes I won’t. Respect my fickleness, and please be patient with me. A secondary note to that one, don’t ask me every month if “it worked”. I will tell you when it is appropriate for you to know.

9.  I am not ashamed of being infertile, but I deal with enough trying to hold myself together while managing IF, never mind fielding questions/ignorance/pity from other people. That is why it is none of your business.

10.  I will emerge on the other side of IF, no matter what road we take to get there or if it ends up including children or not, but I will never be the person that I was before. Unfortunately, I have visited a very ugly, dark place. Pain will change a person, and I will have to break free of my broken self to emerge anew.

A big thank you to Infertile Girl in a Fertile World for letting me share this on my blog!

Because 1 in 8 is someone you know

Yesterday marked the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week.   As many of you know, I haven't been open about my infertility.  I am the kind of person who gets overwhelmed easily, and I knew that being open about our experience in expanding our family would garner criticism, questions, and judgement.  I would love to say that we would have a ton of support from our friends and family.  I have no doubt that some of them would be there for us, but to be honest, I'm not sure who it would be.  I have a ton of reasons for why I haven't shared my PCOS/Anovulation, including, but not limited to:

1. Judgement. All of my friends and family are super, super fertile.  I'm talking the kind of people who get knocked up on accident, over and over and over again.  I was once told, right after I got married, that having babies right away in my husband's family was just how they did things.  It just happens.  And I believe they expected that from me.  To those who don't understand infertility, it is easy to judge people for using IVF.  They still think of these babies as "test-tube babies."  It is something out of science fiction for them.  I have already had a few people (who do know of my infertility status) ask me why I haven't tried more natural remedies to get pregnant.  Or they tell me to just relax.  Just have more sex.  Just don't think about it, and it will happen.  Does this also work for heart disease? Because I wasn't aware that you could just make a disorder/disease go away by relaxing.  
2. Religion.  I am Catholic, although I have been attending my husband's Lutheran church since my boys were born.  Decades ago, eight big-name Catholics came together to decide if ART/IVF was ethical according to the Catholic Canon.  Seven of them said yes, one of them said no.  Because there was one dissenter, the official status of the Catholic church is that IVF is a big no-no.  They say that babies have the right to be made in love.  I assure you, Catholics everywhere, that my babies were made in love regardless of the fact that no actual love-making occurred.  Every time I took a needle to my belly,  every time I missed work for a doctors appointment, every tear I shed over infertility - that was all in love.  
3. Questions.  I don't want to answer them - not about my cycle, our next steps, how everything works, how much it costs, what I am planning to do, etc.  No. I just can't.  Questions are not a form of support.  They feel like a form of attack.  
4. Gossip. Once the cat is out of the bag, people will talk about it among themselves.  That poor Krystal, they'll say.  She went through all that and lost her babies.  Now she has to go through it again. And suddenly I'm part of their dinner conversations.  I'm the reason why they become thankful that they are not infertile.  "Better her than me."  
5. Insensitive comments. Maybe you're not meant to be a mother.  Maybe it's just not your time.  Maybe you should adopt instead.  I can hear the comments coming already. 
6. Failure to see my babies for what they really are: miracles. This may be my biggest reason for not telling many people.  I do not want them looking at my little Benjamin and little Conner and thinking, "wow, science babies."  NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.  THEY ARE JUST BABIES.  LITTLE MIRACLES.  In fact, given our struggles, bigger miracles than any other.  

But then I realized that I may actually be part of the problem.  Maybe people judge, question, gossip, etc. because they don't realize that infertility is a disorder.  We have the right to seek medical treatment just like someone who has a disease has the right to seek treatment.  There is a stigma that women who can't conceive naturally are not really women, or that this is God's way of saying that they are not meant to be mothers.  If someone has cancer, is that God's way of saying they should die? No, that is outrageous.  Maybe, if people were more open about this, myself included, it wouldn't be such a big deal to share all of this.

I definitely have some things to think about this week.  I am not committing myself to NIAW just yet, but I am thinking about stepping forward.  In the meantime, below are some links for infertility awareness:

25 Things to Say and Not Say to Someone Living with Infertility

Ten Things to Stop Doing to Support Someone with Infertility

Infertility Etiquette

A big thank you to Chickin for the resources and bringing this movement to my attention!