The end

Not really the end. But the end of me writing in the blog. I spent a long time debating on whether to keep writing, whether it was still necessary for my healing, and what time would be good to stop if there was an end. I no longer feel that I need to write about the boys constantly to help heal my heart. I've found other ways to honor and remember my boys. Doing good in their name, donating to those who are in need on special days of remembrance, and still reading to them every night help me feel close to them. And, just when I need them the most, I know they are here. They answer every prayer. They are never far from me. In addition, many of my blogger friends who have gone on this journey with me have also had their rainbows and I think we can all agree that finding the time to blog is challenging. I think many of my readers have not stopped by this blog in awhile, either, and I don't blame them. It took a dramatically different turn with the birth of my little girl. I love the little community we made and I will always check in on my blogger friends, my TB friends, and my BC friends. But the time has come to say goodbye to this blog. I would rather write a good-bye post then neglect it until I no longer wrote in it. I decided the best time for me would be when I received my pregnancy test results from my embryo transfer in February.

But before I get into all that, there's a lot to catch up on :)

We took Jordan to the Shedd Aquarium for her birthday. She loved every second of it. This girl is obsessed with fish and water. She can even say "hi fish!"  She loved watching penguins waddle in front of her, different fish swim around in the water, and the kids area where she splashed and played and basically threw a mini tantrum when I finally had to take her away from it. I thought for sure I would cry on her first birthday, but I didn't. The day was full of excitement and fun. Of course, Jordan had no clue it was her birthday.

Note to self: this can entertain her for hours. 

Sweet home Chicago

SO MANY FISH!!!

We moved into a wonderful new home the day after her birthday, where my husband promptly took to renovating as much as he could in two weeks. We moved into the house one week before Jordan's birthday party, and you can probably imagine how exhausting it was cleaning, unpacking, and putting the detail into the house to make it look and feel like home before we hosted a party for 50. It was so worth it. My dream was to have her first birthday party at home surrounded by friends and family.

Ever since I found out she was a girl, I stayed up late planning her first birthday party. She was due March 5th, but I secretly hoped she would come February 28th so I could throw her a Winter ONEderland. She was born right smack in the middle of February and I've been designing and going pinterest crazy ever since. Excuse the kitchen, we still plan on updating the cabinets/counters/backsplash in good time.

Hot Chocolate Bar, complete with a hot chocolate machine we have used several times since the party. One of the best purchases I've ever made. 

I love spending outrageous amounts of money on extraordinary cakes. Sugar is my Achilles heel. 

We were surrounded by so much joy and love that day. Everyone was there to celebrate our little miracle, and the day was full of laughter, hugs, and, well, noise. If I can sum up her party in one word, it would be LOUD. Kids running around, laughing, playing, good friends catching up with each other, family surrounding us, and of course, Miranda barking in the backyard. But to hear that noise fill up our house and bounce off the walls was like music to my ears.

Birthday babe. After she snapped her headband off, of course. 

Jordan loved watching everyone in her house so much she didn't nap. She acted like being sung to was no big deal, and once I tried to show her how to blow out her candles, she tried doing it too. In the end, I accidentally blew them out for her while showing her how to do it. Whoopsies. She was confused about her cake, tentatively taking a finger or two to the frosting before finally bringing some to her mouth. Then she gagged on it and I took it away. Oh well. There is always next year :)  - and yes, I already know the theme!

Jordan was diagnosed with a heart murmur at 9 months that sounded innocent, but after her 12 month check up her pediatrician wrote a script for her to get an echocardiogram. I scheduled it for the day after my embryo transfer, so of course those two days were mixed with excitement and anxiety. Jordan did surprisingly well for it. I mean, we did bribe her with (organic) fruit snacks, multiple renditions of "The Wheels on the Bus," and let her watch her favorite video of a Disney Love Medley (which never fails to put her to sleep or calm her down). I cried listening to the song, thinking of how long the echo was taking and thinking that it would destroy me if anything was wrong with her. The tech asked us if we had any other kids. We said we had two year old boys at home. He commented that it must be very busy at our house. We just smiled. The tech finished up and said, "when you guys come back, they have wagons you can put her and all her stuff in so it's easier to travel." He then brought some toys for Jordan and both Conner and Ben to take home. And all I could think was that he said, "when you guys come back." What did he see? Well, it turns out, nothing. The pediatrician's office called with great news - normal, healthy heart - innocent heart murmur. Thank God.

Now, onto my boys - the very reason this blog exists.

There is a song that reminds me of Jesus, as well as the promise that Conner and Benjamin are in heaven. I won't post all the lyrics here, but you can google it if you would like. If you're Catholic, you might have heard this in church. It is called "All That is Hidden." There are a few lines that speak to me the most.

If you would follow me,
follow where life will lead:
Do not look for me among the dead,
For I am hidden in pain, risen in love;
There is no harvest without sowing of grain.

All that is hidden will be made clear.
All that is dark now will be revealed.
What you have heard in the dark
proclaim in the light;
What you hear in whispers
proclaim from the housetops.

Do not look for me among the dead. I certainly do not think of my boys as dead. They are gone from this earth, but they live on. We, along with our family and friends, strive to do good in their names and remember them at special holidays and occasions. Their names are on our mantle, we write their names in the sand whenever we go on vacation, their footprints and pictures grace our walls, and we will continue to celebrate their birthdays every year. I still cry when I think about them, but not often. I try to remember that their lives should be celebrated and that their legacy is not grief. Those boys can still serve a purpose on this earth. I hope by me writing here on this blog, some of you reading have found comfort in your own losses. I know that my loss could have destroyed me, but it didn't. I know that good can come from heartache. Our boys could not be saved, but I pray that other babies can be. Our team for the March for Babies grows smaller every year, but we will keep walking regardless. Over the past years we have raised almost $20,000 for premature babies. Maybe in the coming years we won't bring too much in, but every little bit helps. 

Every once in awhile, I will ask my boys for a favor. Sometimes big, sometimes small. Sometimes for patience when I feel like screaming, sometimes for someone else to have patience with me, or for bigger things like asking for their sister's heart to be healthy. They have never failed me. I know they are our guardian angels. I know they are here, watching my type. I know that they lead us to all good things. I can only hope that each day, I can make them proud. I know that we will be reunited with them again someday.  Until then, I hold them in my hearts, write their names on our Christmas cards every year, say good morning to them every day, and pray for them every night. I love them wholly and tremendously.

To everyone who has followed this blog - from the beginning or intermittently, thank you for sharing in Conner and Ben's story. Thank you for praying for me and my family, for supporting us, for praying for my little girl when all sorts of things kept going wrong. Thank you for thinking of my boys, for believing that they were and are worthy of being loved, for participating in their Random Acts of Kindness, for donating to our March for Babies team year after year, for crying with me and crying for me. Thank you for sharing in my joy when Jordan was born, for keeping tabs on her monthly updates, and for just being there. I have made so many connections with so many of you - whether it be through our blogs, or through email, or the few of you that I have met in person and have become some of my very best friends. You will never truly understand how much you all mean to me. You were and are an integral part of my healing process, and it is not without hesitation that I stop writing in this blog. It really is like saying goodbye to a friend.

Forget-me-nots

I've also finished up my study on perinatal loss and religious coping. The results are actually quite interesting. If you would like access to the completed study and the results, please feel free to contact me at ctbmsullivan@gmail.com. Or, you can leave a comment here with your email address and I will contact you. 

Of course, before I write my last sentences here, baby number four (baby D??) is due November 11th. I am so much more relaxed about this pregnancy after delivering Jordan, and I know that this baby's older brothers are the best guardian angels ever. Also, I already have some pretty strong pregnancy symptoms (read: earlier and worse than with my previous pregnancies) and it makes me feel like this baby is here to stay. Oh, and beta 10dp5dt was 276 so... let's see if this embryo split...

6dp5dt, after getting the faintest lines ever on 5dp5dt. Jordan has no clue what is going on. 

We have 6 embryos left. Four are frozen in pairs and have been waiting for us since 2013. Two are frozen alone - one was Jordan's pair, refrozen in 2014. One was this new baby's pair, refrozen just weeks ago. I made a joke that IVF has worked for us 3/3 times, and that if we were going to go back for the other 6, we needed to build an addition on our house. I am so attached to those little snow babies, I cannot imagine not going back for all of them. I am especially attached to Jordan's pair, who I almost transferred with her, and felt like I was abandoning. I am sure when this new baby is born, I'll feel the same about his/her pair that was refrozen. Those two embryos were so close at being transferred, and I almost feel like I neglected them by having them refrozen. I feel like they sacrificed for their siblings to be born. That may sound crazy, but to those of you who have done IVF, maybe you understand. The ride is crazy, emotional, and often times lonely. My ride with infertility is not over yet, not until I have given all of those embryos a chance.

To those of you struggling with starting your family, never give up. Mine did not come easy or without tremendous loss. But here we are. It was worth it. I have three babies (and one on the way) and even with two of them in heaven, I can tell you that my heart is full of joy.

If any of you have instagram, you can follow me @krystalg930. Or email me. I love connecting with everyone!

I'll leave you with Jordan's favorite video :)

ONE YEAR!!!

12 MONTHS

Weight: About 19 and a half pounds
Length:  About 28 inches... or 28.5 inches. You are too wiggly! *edit - doctor says 29 inches.*
Head: ??? as always
Clothing size: No change since last month, thank you
Eye color: dark brown
Hair: dark brown/black
Nicknames: boocakes, baby boo, babes, Miss Jordan

EAT

I only have one word to describe you when you eat: messy. You've taken to pasta (veggie pasta, since that's the only way I can get you to eat vegetables), raspberries, and goldfish crackers. If only I could stop you from touching your hair while you eat, then cleanup would be much easier.

SLEEP

The infamous night of no sleep included pictures sent to daddy, who was at the fd, with the caption "help me."

Your bedtime is getting later and later... 7 pm... 8 pm... 9 pm. But you still wake up every morning at 7:30. One night, you finally fell asleep at 9, only to wake up at 10:30 and stay up until midnight. I guess you need less sleep now, since you're not growing like 5 inches a day. When you wake up, you are the happiest baby on the planet. The first thing you do is sit up and start waving like crazy, laughing and pointing. Morning Jordan is my favorite Jordan.

LIKES
Not much has changed. You still love your doggy, and when I ask you to grab her collar so she can go outside, you scramble to grab it off the table. You love helping with and petting the doggy! You are still obsessed with your lunchbox toy, and you love going to Gymboree and playing with mommy and your new friends!

Bags. Your plastic doctor bags and mommy's expensive Coach bags. Open, close, open, close. Repeat as necessary. Throw stuff out, put stuff in. Endless entertainment.

Bath time. You have a love/hate relationship with your bath time. Sometimes you love, it, sometimes you can't wait to wiggle out of there. This month, I can't convince you to get out. You splash and play and touch all the wet things in the bathtub yay! You have a new obsession with water and now every time a faucet is on, you point to it and try to get your hands all over it.

Shakers. Anything that makes sound when it shakes - more notably, the container of pushpins, binder clips, and paperclips that are on my desk shelves. I routinely find you under my desk, shaking it around in the air. When they bring the shakers out in Gymboree, you rush to go play with all of them - even if it means grabbing it from someone else! We need on work on sharing.

Tool puzzle. Gift to your brothers from your grandparents for Christmas this year, handed down to you. You play with it probably 20 million times a day.

Bells. For real. You love the sound it makes. When they bring the toy box out in Gymboree, you always go for the same toy - the bells. And you sit there and try to eat them while you watch the other kids play every. single. time.

You and Jingle Bear, watching Miranda outside

Jingle Bear. Maybe because this bear has bells, maybe because it plays Jingle Bells when you press its hand. My mom gave this to me years and year ago for Christmas. I put all the Christmas decorations away but decided I had to keep Jingle Bear out on the bay window for you. Every day, we spend time at that window with Jingle Bear and watch the dog out in the yard. You love it, and it calms you down, especially when you are upset.

Other babies. More specifically, boys. The other girls at Gymboree don't really hold your interest. But sometimes you'll crawl or walk over to another boy to check them out. The other day, you and a little boy kept switching stickers. He gave you his, you gave him yours. You played with them for a little bit, then exchanged again. His mom and I were cracking up. You must have exchanged them 5 or 6 times before I finally said we had to go home. You both went home with each other's stickers. I told your daddy you made a boyfriend. He was not happy.

Baby doll. Early Valentine's Day gift from Grandma. You never really liked dolls before, but this one came with two bottles - and you. are. hooked. If I ask you to go get your baby, you find her and bring her to me so I can give her a bottle. We named her Jessie (mostly because I've been watching New Girl on repeat, and she didn't look like a Jess or Jessica, and the Disney Channel was playing Hey Jessie and tada! A name for baby).



DISLIKES

Getting your hair done. Piggy tails don't happen too often these days, because it takes forever. But your hair is so long that I need to clip it back, and even that is difficult to do with a squirmy baby. I usually have to give you a toy, a pacifier, or even call Miranda in to distract you just so I can make your hair look somewhat presentable. Most of this is a total fail though, because a few hours later your hair is a disaster (read: bananas in the hair, you pulling out your clips, car seat hair, nap hair, etc.).

Getting out of the bath. Yeesh. I have to bribe you with a pacifier and a promise to see the doggy when I get you out.


ACCOMPLISHMENTS

TALKING!!! So this is the BIG accomplishment so far. You don't always talk on command, but you do speak gibberish quite often. You often point to things and talk, like you are really trying to get your point across. Or, you'll be eating in your high chair, and you'll point to me and give me some nonsensical directions on what to feed you. But as of right now, you can really say:

• Grandpa
• Yeah
• Da (doggy)
• Dada (daddy)
• Hi, fish! (the fish next to your high chair at Grandma's)
• I did it! (referencing moving a box, and then another day walking to the couch with a toy in your hands). 
• Good (although I'm not sure if this was intentional or not)
• Mommy (only when you are crying and someone else is holding you)
• Kids (in reference to your cousins)
• Car (as in, let's get in the car and get the kids, Grandma!)

Really walking. You are so proud of yourself - and so am I! Sometimes you're a pro, sometimes you toddle, sometimes you run. Cute all the time.

Fine motor skills. You are really starting to use your fingers to do things - open and close toys, push button, lift things like light switches, etc. The other day I tried to give you a pink marker and you weren't interested, though. Oh, well, maybe next time!

Understanding practically everything. Seriously, all of a sudden I can tell you do to things like sit or stand or get things like get the baby or get the pink ball, and you know what I'm talking about. If the phone rings, you say "dada" because you know its him. You know how to help get dressed, how to help fold laundry (kinda), and all kinds of other things that are blowing my mind.


DEAR JORDAN

Dear boocakes.

I've been dreaming about this day since I found out I was pregnant with you. Your very first birthday. When I was pregnant with you, I started planning out your birthday party down to the very last detail - decorations, cake, invitations, and where it would be. I had a theme all picked out - Winter ONEderland, but it would only work if you were born in February (you were due March 5th, so I was secretly hoping you'd be 5 days early). I dreamed that we could have the party at home, so that I could always have those precious memories in a place that was so dear to us. I can't believe we now actually own a home that is large enough to fit all these people coming to your party. Well... it'll be crowded, but that's okay :)

You are the joy of my life. Every morning, when you wake up, roll over, and find me, you get the biggest smile on your face. I love starting the day like that. I love that every night, I can hold you in my arms and say bedtime prayers and kiss your little cheeks. I love that you give kisses to me randomly and still reach for your mama no matter who is holding you. You are my very best friend, the reason I am here on this earth, the biggest love of my life. And I cannot believe you are one.

I mean, really, you are only one day older than you were yesterday when you weren't one. But still... one. No longer a baby. A toddler is in my house. Walking. Talking. Giving me as much attitude as love. You will never really realize how fast time flies until your baby turns one. I've been told that I'll blink and you'll be getting married. I believe that. So I'm trying really hard not to blink.

I've been trying really hard to document your life so that I don't forget anything. Your first year scrapbook is so long I had to make it into four scrapbooks - about 500 pages in total. I blog here every month, religiously on the 12th. I have spent hundreds of dollars on professional pictures. At the same time, I try to sit back and enjoy our time together without the camera and soak everything in. Yet, I find myself looking at old pictures and wondering where the time has gone, or trying to remember the exact moment I took that picture. I try to remember holding my newborn, or putting my 3 month old to sleep, or seeing you crawl for the first time. I remember them so vividly but at the same time, those moments seem so far away,

I hope that through everything in your life - your first day of kindergarten, your first day of high school, your college graduation, your wedding day, the day you become a mother yourself - I hope that you know how much your daddy and I love you. It is unconditional and real and never ending. I hope that you can always come to us when you need to talk or when you need something. Every day I realize that you will need me less and less, but I will always need you to need me. So ask me for help every once in awhile when you grow up, okay? You will always be one in my eyes.

Embrace everything that life throws at you. And don't forget to throw a hug in for mom, too.

I love you, I love you, I love you,
Mommy

MONTHLY PHOTO DUMP

First REAL haircut!

Shopping after haircut - you loved it and followed mommy everywhere!

Superbowl!

...football wears you out, but you did win on the Broncos!

Same basket you were in as a newborn and at 6 months

Family photoshoot - you had a blast!

Tutu cutie