New here?

If you are new to my blog, welcome.  I have mixed emotions about saying, "hey, glad you're here" because chances are, you're here because you have suffered the loss of a baby/babies as well.

This blog is my outlet, a free form of therapy to discuss and vent about the paralyzing issue of neonatal loss. While I was going through infertility and IVF, I found blogs from women all over the country.  Their experiences gave me insight on what I was about to commit myself to, and it also helped me feel like I wasn't alone.  When I lost my boys, Conner and Benjamin, I read blogs on people who had miscarried or had stillbirths.  But I never found one that was on neonatal loss.  So here it is.  I wanted to tell the story of my baby boys while also helping other mothers grieve. For those of you who have experienced the loss of a child or children, I hope you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

I know that not everyone reading this has experienced a loss.  I never realized how often infant loss happens until I lost my own.  No one realizes how often this happens.  It happens so often that when my boys were born, the nurses were ready with memorial boxes, blankets and hats made by wonderful people who knit for preemies and babies who are going to pass, and memorial documents for their births and baptisms.  This happens so often that the hospital photographer knows how to photograph infants who are going to die in their parents arms.  That photographer comes prepared.  She has done it before.  It happens so often that when it came time for me to read about other people's stories, blogs and books came pouring out of the searches I did.  And yet... no one talks about it. It's like mothers who have lost their babies are in their own secret clubs, clinging to each other in desperation.  So for those of you who haven't ever experienced this tremendous loss, this is how I tell my babies' story while also making the world aware of what is happening. They say that the most dangerous place for babies in the United States is in their mother's womb.

Also -  I don't often watch my words when I write.  I can talk like a sailor.  I don't think it would be fair to sugarcoat anything, because then I would be lying about how I felt at that moment.  You have been warned.