HOLY SNOWMANBALLS, 30 WEEKS

How far along? THIRTY WEEKS!!! MY ORIGINAL GOAL!!!  We are here and Baby C has been active ALL DAY LONG.  I can't believe I woke up on Christmas morning, still pregnant.  Thank you, God.  Thank you, Conner and Benjamin.  I know baby girl's brothers are watching out for her.
What's happening with  baby? Baby is about the size of cabbage - almost 3 pounds and 15.7 inches long. She can sense light, and I'm beginning to realize that she prefers the dark.  If I lift up my shirt to watch her move, she stops. She has the hiccups everyday!
Total weight gain: 15 pounds, all in my belly, boobs, and very swollen legs.
Maternity clothes?  Yes and no.  I'm wearing yoga pants and a reguar stretchy shirt in this picture. Some maternity clothes fit me, but loosely.
Stretch marks? Nope!  I'm starting to think I'll be one of the lucky few!
Sleep: No need for naps anymore, but I am sleeping later into the morning.
Miss Anything? These two boys, on Christmas
Difficulties this week:  Let's just say - thank you God that the holidays are over (although... should I be thanking Him for that?)
Movement: She's a pro.  I think she will be one of those kids we need to put on a leash (er, baby harness).
Food cravings/aversions:  I don't crave sugar as much anymore - now all I want is MEAT!!! Bacon, please. All of it.
Symptoms: Legs are SO swollen. I barely recognize them. My rings are starting to get tight too! On the plus side, my boobs look phenomenal.
Looking forward to: Meeting this baby girl -

Christmas, minus two

I had visions of what Christmas would look like this year.  We would have two little boys, 8 months old, who didn't really grasp the concept of what Christmas was but were excited to see the wrapping paper flying and all of their family in one room. They wouldn't be able to walk just yet, but they would be mobile enough that I would have to keep a close eye on them and make sure they stayed out of trouble. I can almost hear them laughing at the lights and all the new toys they would get. I can see them hugging each other and crumpling up wrapping paper, pretending to "gift" them to their twin. We would bring our exhausted boys home after a long day visiting family, clean the cookie frosting off of their faces, and read them Christmas books while snuggling with them until they fell asleep. Then I would stay up late organizing their new gifts - based on how much they got for Christmas when I was pregnant with them, I was estimating that we would need two cars to bring home what they would get on their first Christmas home.

I only cried once this Christmas - when my father-in -aw said grace and thanked God for our big family. We are, after all, minus two. My heart was breaking the entire day, over and over again, each time we uwrapped gifts for Baby C and not for Conner and Ben, each time I saw a baby or a child open their gifts, and each minute I looked into my arms only to find them empty.

Conner and Ben were born just over two weeks after Christmas.  Just 16 days after we announced we were having boys.  Just 4 days after my 29th birthday.  Just 10 days shy of viability. The balloons from our gender reveal weren't even deflated by then.

Instead of taking home our excited, exhausted, and wide-eyed baby boys from Christmas festivities this year, we took home ornaments and books for them.  I can only hope and pray that every year, our family remembers them the way that they did this Christmas.

It is Christmas, though, so I need to add some happy in here:

My dear friend Amanda, who lost her baby Nathaniel, sent us ornaments for Conner and Benjamin

When we donated to the library for Infant Loss Awareness, we received a list of books donated in Conner and Ben's names.  We bought those books for them for Christmas. 

Miranda's face as packaging went flying is priceless.

Boys bought me a new Kindle - I obviously love it. Tim and I decided not to buy each other anything this year so that we could "gift ourselves" a new couch instead. We kinda cheated by getting stuff for each other from the boys. 

Boys bought daddy a new speaker!

Baby C's ornament is just awaiting her name!

Forever and ever. 

More new books for our boys :)

My favorites for baby girl: a pink toolbox and a snowman filled with headbands and bows (all personalized, down to the minion bows, firefighter's daughter headbands, and Chicago Blackhawks clips!)

Not pictured: the rest of the stuff Baby Girl got. It barely fit into the truck. Spoiled girl already! If you are thinking of having a baby, I highly suggest being pregnant during Christmas.  You won't even need a baby shower afterwards!

Weekend Review: A Very Benjamin and Conner Christmas

People remembered my boys this Christmas.  I cannot begin to express what that means to me, especially with the holidays being so close to their birthday.  I was dreading Christmas (still kinda am) - but after this weekend, I feel my heart opening up to celebrating more. 

Tim's mom stopped by with gifts for Baby C - she said they were from Conner and Benjamin.  They were things that she originally set aside for them but never got a chance to give them (along with some extra girly thngs and giraffes and puppies for baby girl to remember her brothers by).  She made the blankets on the left and the firefighter bib and burper.  My heart was breaking that the boys never got to use these things - but so glad that Baby C has "hand-me-downs."

A dear friend of mine had ornaments made for Conner and Ben's First Christmas in heaven.  I definitely cried right in the middle of the restaurant when I saw these. 

She also got both me and Baby C guardian angel pendants for Conner and Ben.  The stones are garnets, their birthstone. 

Just when I think people are forgetting about them - we get these.  Also - the smoke detector in our bedroom went off again as soon as I walked in the door :)

29 weeks

First, thank you to everyone who submitted their information to participate in Conner and Benjamin's RAOK for their birthday!  I am so humbled and so blessed to have such support from so many people - so many of you have given me strength this past year, and from the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you, thank you.

If you tried submitting your  information via the contact form at the bottom of the blog, I just realized that it may or may not have worked. I apologized. You can leave your email in a comment and just indicate if you would like me to delete the comment as soon as I write down your email address.

I will be sending out the cards sometime next week - I am still waiting on people whose information is trickling in slowly.  That way, I can send out the cards all at once. If anyone still would like to participate, let me know :)

Kate, a fellow blogger and the HUGEST SWEETHEART, sent me this necklace for Conner and Ben's birthday. As you can imagine, I love everything about this - anything that reminds me of my boys is so special to me, and this even more so because it came from someone who has not only had a loss herself, but grew to know Conner and Ben through this blog. Thank you, Kate.  I can't even begin to tell you how happy this makes me!

In other news, Baby C is 29 weeks today!

I am obviously running out of wardrobe choices. But I'm getting ready for some NST time so I figured, welp, might as well be comfortable!

How far along? 29 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Baby weights about 2.5 pounds and is about 15 inches long (about the size of a butternut squash).  She is beginning to regulate her temperature and her bone marrow is in charge of producing her own blood cells!  She's also peeing quite a bit... and then swallowing it. Luckily, its just amniotic fluid :)
Total weight gain: 14 pounds
Maternity clothes?  Nope not really. Yoga pants are still my go-to! I'm not sure if I'll ever really wear maternity shirts - its hoodie season and they work perfect!
Stretch marks? Nada
Sleep: I'm peeing less in the middle of the night (*knock on wood) and I lost the extra sleep I've been getting because of it!
Miss Anything?  Being able to roll out of bed easily - Baby C is now in the way when I try to get out of bed, crouch down to pet Miranda, etc. Tim has to give me a hand sometimes - I laugh everytime he does. I have a feeling I won't be able to do certain things soon!
Difficulties this week:  Still wrapping my head around IUGR and the possibility that Baby C may be stillborn. But I'm on the monitor as I type this and I can hear her heartbeat and feel her moving away!
Movement: She is, as the nurse commented the other day, a mover and a shaker.
Food cravings/aversions:  Dare I say the dairy aversion is gone for good? The other day, Tim bought like, 10 boxes of fruit snacks.  Guess who is eating them 7 times a day.
Symptoms: Woke up this morning to swelling in my hands. Hooray for my sausage fingers.
Looking forward to: Getting to my original goal of 30 weeks next week! It seems like such a big number.

Random Acts of Kindness for Conner and Benjamin

Conner and Benjamin's first birthday is just around the corner.  I try to grasp the fact that they have been gone for almost a year, but I can't.  It seems like just a few weeks ago I was saying my goodbyes to my only sons.  My firstborns.  My babies.  Even though every day brings me closer to seeing them again, every day also brings me further away from the last time I saw them. 

The last thing I told them before they were taken away from me was to take care of each other.  I really hope that they are together and best friends, like I wanted them to be here on earth.  

Tim and I would love to bring some light to their birthday.  Even though the day they were born was also the day that they left us, I believe that January 10th is a day to be celebrated.  I finally feel like I know what I was put here on earth to do - be a mommy to these two little boys, and do good in their names.  

We are asking our friends and family to do a Random Act of Kindness (RAOK) in honor of the boys on January 10th.  If anyone would like to participate, please let me know.  I am mailing and emailing RAOK cards to people who would like to join us in honoring our babies.  If you would like a digital copy of the card to print out yourself, please leave your email address in a comment or scroll down to the contact form at the end of this blog (more privacy).  If you would like hard copies mailed to you, please use the contact form at the end of this blog page - it will send your message directly to my email account and no one else will see your information.  

Thank you to all who are reading and to all who are participating - your support has gotten me through so many hard nights without my sons, and I feel like my sons are truly making a difference through this blog.  Love to you and your families during this holiday season.

11 months. 28 weeks. Christmas. Big update on Baby C.

Yesterday, Conner and Ben had their 11 month birthday in heaven.  I cannot believe it has been 11 months.  Now that we are past this milestone, we are heading into their first birthday.  My mind still cannot wrap around the fact that they have been gone for so long.  It feels like just a few weeks ago that we were saying hello to them, and then saying goodbye.  You would think that losing them would get easier with time - but it doesn't. It gets worse. I'm beginning to forget what their baby lotion smelled like, what it felt like to kiss their little heads, the grasp of their fingers. Please God, do not let me forget these precious moments with my sons.

Just this week, I was thinking that our boys have not given us any signs from heaven lately.  We have been finding dimes every once in awhile in places that they shouldn't be, but that is about it.  I was thinking that it would be wonderful to get a big sign from them like when the smoke detector went off in their nursery, reminding me to put their urn in a fireproof box before we went on vacation.

So imagine my joy on their 11th birthday when Tim went to the FD and found these two dimes in front of his locker:

and then even more so, when I opened the door to our master bedroom and our smoke detector went off, signaling smoke that did not exist.  I have to admit, I was scared at first.  But then I was so happy that my boys read my mind - like, ok mom, you want another smoke detector to go off?  Here you go!

This morning, I dropped off donations at the hospital Conner and Benjamin were born at.  We are so blessed to have had an excellent nursing team with us during our stay there.  We also had numerous doctors who did everything they could to prevent the boys being born before 24 weeks, and then when that failed, they did everything they could to do right by the boys and by us.  My sister-in-law, Tim, and I bought preemie clothing for the NICU and bought "Conner giraffes" and "Benjamin puppies" for the Children's hospital.  When I went to drop off the box of donations, I made sure to tell the nurse that the giraffes and puppies were the same ones that we gave our babies in the hospital. We cannot get them many things for Christmas, nor can we celebrate with them the way that we could have had they been brought home. But I am determined to do good in their name, and I hope that every year we can donate to the hospital in their memory.

We donated two of Ben's puppies, two of Conner's giraffes, and two different puppies and two different giraffes

Ben's puppies

Conner's giraffes

On each stuffed animal, I sewed on a blue taggie with stars and moons. I love you to the moon and back, baby boys. 

Preemie clothes given to the NICU

Today also marks 28 weeks for their little sister. As our time without our boys grows longer, our time to meet our little girl grows near. I know it will be a difficult journey to be a mother to angel babies and a mother to living children, but I think that Conner and Benjamin will slowly show me how to do it.

Bonus: FD Christmas party bump!

How far along? 28 weeks.  If she were born today, she would have over a 90% chance of survival.
What's happening with  baby? Baby C is about 2 pounds, 4 ounces (per her ultrasound today) and is almost 15 inches long (estimate from Baby Center).  Her brain is starting to develop folds and is gaining weight quickly. She can dream!
Total weight gain: 13 pounds, although I ate my feelings today so probably more like 15 after dinner
Maternity clothes?  Not really.  I have a pair of maternity leggings that I wear, but they are still big! Luckily, I found a "new" pair of (non-maternity) yoga pants in the back of my closet that I must have bought when I was pregnant with the boys.  They fit perfect and give my belly lots of support!
Stretch marks? Surprisingly no.
Sleep: Up all night to pee, and tired all day (and still peeing)
Miss Anything?  I gave Tim my delivery day wish list last night: sushi, grilled cheese with bacon, California club from Jimmy Johns, and eggs benedict.

Difficulties this week: 

Well, today was the 28 week growth scan.  I admit, I went in optimistic that her head had caught up to the rest of her body.

I could not be more wrong. 

Baby C's head circumference went from the 11th percentile down to the 4th percentile this week.  Her BPD (Biparietal Diameter) improved slightly, from the 4th percentile to the 5th percentile.  But her abdomen was the big news - it went from the 33rd percentile to the 10th percentile.  Baby C now qualifies as having IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction).  This usually happens when the placenta does not implant properly.  Shitty luck, again.

So, the chances of Baby C being a stillborn are increased.  In an effort to catch any problems before something horrible happens, I am being monitored twice a week for NSTs and Biophysical profiles.  If the baby does not perform well on the twice weekly monitoring, she will be delivered early in an effort to save her. 

The good news? She rocked her NST today.  Her baseline HB is 150.  They look for her HB to raise to at least 160 every time she moves, and they want her to do that at least twice while I am being monitored.  She was monitored for about 15 minutes and she moved and her HB raised over FIFTY times.  The nurses kept walking in asking who was making all that noise!  Just this little bundle of energy over here!  

If she continues to do well on her monitoring, we won't have to deliver early.  Maybe she is just small.  But every week she keeps getting smaller and smaller (percentile-wise), and that is raising many red flags.  

Baby girl, hang in there. 


Movement: All the time for me!  Not really for Tim. Poor guy. Everytime he goes to feel her, she freezes.
Food cravings/aversions:  Eat all the sugar! And all the food in general.
Symptoms: Swelling.  Also, yesterday I almost passed out from being dizzy.  Luckily my home health care nurse was there.  I think I was just pushing myself too hard to get stuff done around the house and my body was trying to get me to settle down. I'm also now borderline anemic - they look for levels to be above 10.5 and I am at a 10.8, so onto iron supplements I go!
Looking forward to: My original goal was to still be pregnant on Christmas, which would be 30 weeks.  The more I think about it, my goal is really to get to February 1st (and beyond).  C'mon, February!

Little Munchkin

27 weeks

Ignore the outlet... again.  We are replacing it, I swear!

How far along? 27 weeks - last week of second trimester!
What's happening with  baby? Baby girl is almost 2 pounds and has a regular sleeping schedule.  She can open and close her eyes (I actually witnessed this on our 3d scan on Monday!).  Her brain is very active now. I wonder what she is thinking?
Total weight gain: Don't know, don't care.
Maternity clothes?  Kinda. ish.  I bought maternity jeans - the smallest size they've got at Kohl's - and I am SWIMMING in them.  I guess it doesn't help that I have to shop in the junior's section and they don't sell maternity clothes in junior's sizes, haha.  But in this picture, I am wearing maternity leggings (huge - they go up to my boobs and they are really loose) and a maternity sweater (huge again - thus why I tied a black ribbon around it so it doesn't look like a tarp).
Stretch marks? Nope, but I'm waiting - I know they are coming!
Sleep: Same old, same old.  Last night I woke up to my leg cramping and Tim rubbed it until it stopped :)
Miss Anything?  Eating chocolate without getting sick!  But next week is my blood sugar test so I guess not eating sugar right now is good.
Difficulties this week:  Going through Conner and Ben's things and deciding what we can use for Baby C.  Turns out, Tim and I don't want to reuse much of anything - they are just for the boys, so they'll go in a dresser for them. I just can't bear to see another baby in their clothes, even if it is their sister.
Movement: Hell yeah.
Food cravings/aversions:  Still a dairy aversion, still love sugar.
Symptoms: Edema.  Yuck.
Looking forward to: Our next ultrasound. Perhaps the only perk of being high risk is going to get ultrasounds every single week - and this will be the longest span in between ultrasounds since we just went Monday and I won't go again until the 28 week mark. I want to see that chubby little face!

Almost one year later (caution: not a feel good read)

Most of you already know, but I'm at the point now where I can talk about Conner and Ben and not cry.  I can talk about them like they are still here, and I can talk about them all day long.  Conner Ben Conner Ben Conner Ben. I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

But today was different.  Their first birthday is coming up early next month, and I have been anxiously planning for it.  I wanted to do something for them that was personal and special, so I decided just a small gathering with our family would be nice.  I went to order their cake today (which I'm super pumped about - you'll see it later!).  The girl who was helping me was someone I used to work with years ago when I was still a college student working at a day spa.  But I haven't spoken to her much over the years, and she had no idea that I had Conner and Benjamin and that they passed away. I didn't really plan on telling her what happened.  I just wanted to order the cake and get the hell out of there. But then she told me that we get two smash cakes for free, since it was the boys' first birthday.  I promptly started crying as I had to explain to her why we wouldn't need them.

And then I couldn't stop crying.  On my way out, I tried to call my husband to talk about it.  He didn't answer.  He did call back though, only to ask me what I called for.  I told him I wanted to tell him about getting the boys' cake.  He said, "is that all? Okay well I'm going to let you go, I'm wrapping things up at work."  Nothing like being blown off by your husband when you're in the middle of crying over your sons.

Yesterday in my last class for grad school, I gave a presentation on perinatal grief.  I talk and write about this all the time, and yet for the whole presentation my voice was wavering.  I was scared.  I realized I was talking to an audience who probably had no idea what I was talking about - nor did they probably care. I felt very alone and very vulnerable - two feelings that I know all too well.

I'm not sure how to make this anger or sadness go away.  It subsides on some days, and other days it consumes my whole being.  And today I just want to crawl into bed and cry and think about the two little boys who won't get to blow out the candles on their first birthday cake.

Weekend Review and update at OB: picture review

Thanksgiving
Food. Family. Not much to share... missed the boys this year.  Read them a Thanksgiving book.  I am most thankful for them. Two pictures sum up our night:

Movember is over, mustache is gone!

Yep.  

Nursery
There is a dresser in baby girl's room now.  Unbelievable.  How have we gotten this far?

Now all we need to do is put the crib together... and wait for the other dresser and the hutch that are on backorder.  Oh yeah, and put a baby in the room. 

Miranda knows she isn't allowed in the nursery, so she pushes her limits by putting two paws in.  

Christmas decorations
Christmas threw up in our house this weekend.

You can't see it, but the star says: Conner and Ben's first Christmas

Two blue owls for the boys and three reindeir for all our babies are among the newbies on our tree. Also, turns out our tree is bigger than we thought - it barely fits in that corner!

No mantle, so they are on the ceiling.  Baby C's stocking is inside mine until next year :) 

OB UPDATE
Good news: Cervix is holding steady and actually gained 2mm since Wednesday.  OB does not think this is incompetent cervix - rather, since I'm nearing the third trimester (whoa), my cervix is naturally starting to wear a bit.  Baby girl is doing well, and we have our next appointment next Thursday for her third growth scan.  OB also told me that he just saw a mother who is 6 weeks post-partum today. Her baby's head was measuring in the third percentile (Baby C is currently in the fourth).  But, now her baby is 6 weeks old and her baby's head is in the 36th percentile.  OB said it was not unusual for a baby's growth to catch up very quickly once they are born.  That gives me a lot of hope!

Hi all! 

The Sacred Project

Over the summer, I participated in The Sacred Project.  497 baby loss mothers were chosen to share their pictures of their most sacred space: It is a short film that will be available online tonight at http://thesacredproject.com/. I have not seen it yet, so I do not know what to expect.  If you would like, please stop by the website to view it!