Most of you already know, but I'm at the point now where I can talk about Conner and Ben and not cry. I can talk about them like they are still here, and I can talk about them all day long. Conner Ben Conner Ben Conner Ben. I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.
But today was different. Their first birthday is coming up early next month, and I have been anxiously planning for it. I wanted to do something for them that was personal and special, so I decided just a small gathering with our family would be nice. I went to order their cake today (which I'm super pumped about - you'll see it later!). The girl who was helping me was someone I used to work with years ago when I was still a college student working at a day spa. But I haven't spoken to her much over the years, and she had no idea that I had Conner and Benjamin and that they passed away. I didn't really plan on telling her what happened. I just wanted to order the cake and get the hell out of there. But then she told me that we get two smash cakes for free, since it was the boys' first birthday. I promptly started crying as I had to explain to her why we wouldn't need them.
And then I couldn't stop crying. On my way out, I tried to call my husband to talk about it. He didn't answer. He did call back though, only to ask me what I called for. I told him I wanted to tell him about getting the boys' cake. He said, "is that all? Okay well I'm going to let you go, I'm wrapping things up at work." Nothing like being blown off by your husband when you're in the middle of crying over your sons.
Yesterday in my last class for grad school, I gave a presentation on perinatal grief. I talk and write about this all the time, and yet for the whole presentation my voice was wavering. I was scared. I realized I was talking to an audience who probably had no idea what I was talking about - nor did they probably care. I felt very alone and very vulnerable - two feelings that I know all too well.
I'm not sure how to make this anger or sadness go away. It subsides on some days, and other days it consumes my whole being. And today I just want to crawl into bed and cry and think about the two little boys who won't get to blow out the candles on their first birthday cake.
I wish I could give you a great big hug. It's okay to have those days when you want to cry and stay in bed. You are doing the best you can. After losing my babies, I'm not sure my sadness ever really goes away - I've just learned to live with it and adapt to it. On bad days I let myself feel bad; on good days I try to enjoy it as best I can and make it last.
ReplyDeleteI also think you are so strong for talking about grief in your class; I don't think I could have done that.
Sending you lots of light and peace... I'll be thinking of you and your boys.
Thank you. I agree with you...sometimes we just have to adapt. We are never going to be the same people we once were, and in some ways that's good and some ways that is bad. We carry our babies, always.
DeleteOh Krystal, I am so sorry. I can't imagine how tough that must have been at the cake store. Sending you big Hugs
ReplyDeleteThank you!
Deleteaw Krystal, my heart hurts for you. Men just don't get it. You can be in the middle of a melt down and their reactions are so insensitive. They have no clue sometimes. That's when you need to text one of your friends who has been through exactly what you've been through. I didn't lose my babies as late in the pregnancy as you, but you can ALWAYS shoot me an email! I'm always open to listen. I needed that a lot after our loss.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ashley! That means a lot to me. I hope you and Raegan are doing well.
DeleteI am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I am so sorry your boys won't be smashing their cakes. You have been robbed of so much and it is horribly unfair. Crawl into your bed and cry if you need to. You are entitled to every emotion. Continued prayers for your family, that the light outshines the darkness.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I did get some good crying in, and I feel a bit better. Now I just need to tackle January 10th.... it's coming up!
DeleteI can only imagine how hard it must have been to speak on perinatal grief in front of an audience that most likely had no interest in what you were saying... I'm still so very sorry that you even have the experience to be able to speak on the subject, but I (and I'm sure all your followers) will always be interested in what you're saying - your happiness, your grief, your struggles and your triumphs.
ReplyDelete(((((HUGS))))))
Thank you Kate. I hope the at at least some people heard me... but if not, oh well. I can only try to make the topic more approachable a little at a time, and maybe this blog will do that.
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