2016

via Google

Twenty-sixteen. I have no idea what my future holds.

Last year (ha, that seems weird - that was technically yesterday) brought me so many blessings when I thought I would never be happy again. My daughter was born. Everyday with her is a gift. I was still able to keep the memory of my boys alive while also parenting a baby here on earth. My mom's cancer went into remission. My husband and I shared in countless memories that included selling our home, putting an offer on a new one, going on trips and vacations, and celebrating yet another year together. My life feels whole, although there is still a hole in my heart. It seems conflicting, but it is real. I miss my sons, not just every year or with every milestone - but every day. But at the same time, they are always with me and every day I am so grateful that they ever happened to me in the first place.

This year will see Jordan's first birthday, us moving into our "forever" home, a family vacation with my parents, and maybe another baby (which will mean I will have had babies in 2014, 2015, and 2016 - whew!). But there is still so much that worries me. Tim's work injury. My dad had a biopsy and I'm praying it is not cancer. The fact that I am gaining weight like crazy and wtf is going on (okay that last one is really stupid, but yes, it is bugging me).

Twenty-sixteen. I have written about how I did not know if I was going to keep writing here. It has been such a gift to me to be able to write about my boys, and then subsequently my daughter, on this blog. It has been by far the most therapeutic thing I could have ever done. But I have already decided that I know I can move forward with my life, and keep my boys in my heart, without writing here anymore. And, because I am a super planner, I have already decided when my last blog post will be. And it's coming up soon.

If anyone is still reading this, happy new year - I hope it brings you love, light, and joy.

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Today I remember that my house is missing two.

Every morning, the first thing I would do when I woke up was say good morning to my sons. After Jordan was born, I started to forget. She would wake me up in the morning by fussing, and my day would begin... now it begins with her. But this morning, for some reason, I remembered. I said good morning to my boys, looked at their picture, and told them I loved them. 

And today is International Bereaved Mother's Day.

To all the mothers who have lost their babies, you are the strongest mothers imaginable. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, and you are still standing. You are still a mother. Do not let anyone tell you any differently. Sending my love to all of you today.

To my boys in heaven... you are loved, you are loved, you are loved.

Weekend Review: Jordan's First Easter

Slightly off center, but I had to include the boys. Also, it is impossible to get a great picture with both dog and baby, so Jordan is here mid-yawn and Miranda is facing the wrong way in true family picture fashion.

Holy whoa, when was the last time I did a weekend review?!?!? I think the reason it's taking me so long to do one is because lately, my weekends have consisted of being pooped on, breastfeeding, and trying to master the art of eating and holding a baby at the same time. Ain't no one got time to read about that boredom.

Jordan's first Easter basket - and you bet those pajamas say "little sister" on them!

The great debate - is this a bunny or a fish with a bow on its butt?  (It's a bunny)

It was a beautiful day out. Jordan finally got to wear her first dress today, which unfortunately was ridiculous since baby dresses tend to ride up and never actually stay on the way they are supposed  to. She was flashing her diaper everywhere she went. Cookie monster, anyone? He's on size 1 Pampers. Nonetheless, she looked freaking adorable.

After church, which she thankfully slept through, we headed over to my in-laws'  house. This was also the first time a lot of our family got to see her, so there was lots of attention on her. Jordan does get overwhelmed with a lot of people around, but after she got a full tummy she was happy to oblige in the attention. Just like mommy - overwhelmed easily. Just like daddy - happy when fed. Apple, meet tree. Tree, meet apple.

All this excitement is exhausting, mommy!

Jordan's first Easter egg hunt, complete with ducky bib

Spoiled girl! With some Conner and Ben extras :)

It was like second Christmas for her. She made out with a ton of stuff (along with some stuff that was for her brothers). But, she's 7 weeks old so she cared about her ton o'loot exactly zero percent. Mommy was excited, though!

Christ has risen!  Last year, I spent Easter alone while Tim was at the fire department. My sister in law came to keep me company for awhile, but nothing could keep my mind off Conner and Ben. But because Christ lives, my boys are in heaven. I know they were watching over their baby sister on her first Easter, and always.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter!!!

31 weeks. 2015, here we come...

Dear 2014 (you asshole),

My boys died 10 days into the New Year. Every day since then, I've been struggling on how to live without them.  Who is taking care of them?  Do they miss me?  Are they happy?  All year, I haven't felt like myself. I feel empty and guilty and sad and a million other things that I can't even keep up with. 

And then you loaded all kinds of other shit on me.  My mom got cancer.  My grandfather died. Everyone got pregnant and it was lovely when they shoved their happiness in my face.  I lost friends. I lost my sanity. I'm still looking for it. 

But about halfway into this year, I also got pregnant with my daughter. I felt her kick for the first time. I feel hopeful. 

So, 2014, I'm not sure whether to tell you to go fuck yourself or thank you for at least trying to regain some of your dignity. You can't make up for what was taken from me, but at least you gave me my little girl. 

2015, I have high expectations.  But considering 2014 was so shitty, it shouldn't be hard to live up to them. Just don't kill anyone, okay?  

How far along? 31 weeks. Hot damn.
What's happening with  baby? Baby Center says she is over 16 inches long and weighs over 3 pounds. She can turn her head and she is getting "fatter" every day.  Aw, reminds me of when I nicknamed her "fat baby" because I was gaining weight so quickly.
Total weight gain: Haven't weighed myself.  Not sure if I care anymore.
Maternity clothes?  Yes and no.  Yoga pants still fit. The shirt I'm wearing is a maternity shirt (*gasp*), handed down to me courtesy of my sister-in-law.  I love free stuff, especially when I am too cheap to buy things I won't use in another two months.
Stretch marks? NOPE!  Could it be that some luck has hit me???
Sleep: I went through two rolls of toilet paper last night on pee breaks. That should say enough on how I'm sleeping.
Miss Anything? Being able to wax my legs without having to adjust my belly. Since it's getting difficult, my legs are, well, shall we say - gearing up for winter?
Difficulties this week: Baby C's NST was not good on Monday - she almost failed it. But it was naptime, and she woke up at the time I told the OB she would.  However, he warned me that if I had been 32 weeks along and not 30... she would have failed.  Naturally (well, for me), I though that eating a crapload of sugar would do the trick to get her to wake up and move. I left the OB's office with a shirt dirtied with crumbs.  I'll bring a bib next time.
Movement: So last night was interesting.  Apparently, she was super excited for the New Year because she kept me up all night kicking me - HARD.  I mean, the kind where I was practically begging her to take a nap.  Also, the term "lightening crotch" has a new meaning to me - I swear, this girl was tap dancing with high heels in my vagina.  While also riding a roller coaster. While also practicing karate. She could be the new Charlie's Angel.
Food cravings/aversions: Changes daily, but right now I want some damn pancakes. Tall stack, please, and keep 'em coming.
Symptoms: Fingers are starting to swell, so I've taken to not wearing my rings as much lately.
Looking forward to: Getting this nursery done. My office is being painted as I type this (thanks dad!) and all my office stuff is crammed into the nursery temporarily.  I'm "nesting" right now so you can imagine how deliriously insane this is making me!

Christmas, minus two

I had visions of what Christmas would look like this year.  We would have two little boys, 8 months old, who didn't really grasp the concept of what Christmas was but were excited to see the wrapping paper flying and all of their family in one room. They wouldn't be able to walk just yet, but they would be mobile enough that I would have to keep a close eye on them and make sure they stayed out of trouble. I can almost hear them laughing at the lights and all the new toys they would get. I can see them hugging each other and crumpling up wrapping paper, pretending to "gift" them to their twin. We would bring our exhausted boys home after a long day visiting family, clean the cookie frosting off of their faces, and read them Christmas books while snuggling with them until they fell asleep. Then I would stay up late organizing their new gifts - based on how much they got for Christmas when I was pregnant with them, I was estimating that we would need two cars to bring home what they would get on their first Christmas home.

I only cried once this Christmas - when my father-in -aw said grace and thanked God for our big family. We are, after all, minus two. My heart was breaking the entire day, over and over again, each time we uwrapped gifts for Baby C and not for Conner and Ben, each time I saw a baby or a child open their gifts, and each minute I looked into my arms only to find them empty.

Conner and Ben were born just over two weeks after Christmas.  Just 16 days after we announced we were having boys.  Just 4 days after my 29th birthday.  Just 10 days shy of viability. The balloons from our gender reveal weren't even deflated by then.

Instead of taking home our excited, exhausted, and wide-eyed baby boys from Christmas festivities this year, we took home ornaments and books for them.  I can only hope and pray that every year, our family remembers them the way that they did this Christmas.

It is Christmas, though, so I need to add some happy in here:

My dear friend Amanda, who lost her baby Nathaniel, sent us ornaments for Conner and Benjamin

When we donated to the library for Infant Loss Awareness, we received a list of books donated in Conner and Ben's names.  We bought those books for them for Christmas. 

Miranda's face as packaging went flying is priceless.

Boys bought me a new Kindle - I obviously love it. Tim and I decided not to buy each other anything this year so that we could "gift ourselves" a new couch instead. We kinda cheated by getting stuff for each other from the boys. 

Boys bought daddy a new speaker!

Baby C's ornament is just awaiting her name!

Forever and ever. 

More new books for our boys :)

My favorites for baby girl: a pink toolbox and a snowman filled with headbands and bows (all personalized, down to the minion bows, firefighter's daughter headbands, and Chicago Blackhawks clips!)

Not pictured: the rest of the stuff Baby Girl got. It barely fit into the truck. Spoiled girl already! If you are thinking of having a baby, I highly suggest being pregnant during Christmas.  You won't even need a baby shower afterwards!

Weekend Review: A Very Benjamin and Conner Christmas

People remembered my boys this Christmas.  I cannot begin to express what that means to me, especially with the holidays being so close to their birthday.  I was dreading Christmas (still kinda am) - but after this weekend, I feel my heart opening up to celebrating more. 

Tim's mom stopped by with gifts for Baby C - she said they were from Conner and Benjamin.  They were things that she originally set aside for them but never got a chance to give them (along with some extra girly thngs and giraffes and puppies for baby girl to remember her brothers by).  She made the blankets on the left and the firefighter bib and burper.  My heart was breaking that the boys never got to use these things - but so glad that Baby C has "hand-me-downs."

A dear friend of mine had ornaments made for Conner and Ben's First Christmas in heaven.  I definitely cried right in the middle of the restaurant when I saw these. 

She also got both me and Baby C guardian angel pendants for Conner and Ben.  The stones are garnets, their birthstone. 

Just when I think people are forgetting about them - we get these.  Also - the smoke detector in our bedroom went off again as soon as I walked in the door :)

11 months. 28 weeks. Christmas. Big update on Baby C.

Yesterday, Conner and Ben had their 11 month birthday in heaven.  I cannot believe it has been 11 months.  Now that we are past this milestone, we are heading into their first birthday.  My mind still cannot wrap around the fact that they have been gone for so long.  It feels like just a few weeks ago that we were saying hello to them, and then saying goodbye.  You would think that losing them would get easier with time - but it doesn't. It gets worse. I'm beginning to forget what their baby lotion smelled like, what it felt like to kiss their little heads, the grasp of their fingers. Please God, do not let me forget these precious moments with my sons.

Just this week, I was thinking that our boys have not given us any signs from heaven lately.  We have been finding dimes every once in awhile in places that they shouldn't be, but that is about it.  I was thinking that it would be wonderful to get a big sign from them like when the smoke detector went off in their nursery, reminding me to put their urn in a fireproof box before we went on vacation.

So imagine my joy on their 11th birthday when Tim went to the FD and found these two dimes in front of his locker:

and then even more so, when I opened the door to our master bedroom and our smoke detector went off, signaling smoke that did not exist.  I have to admit, I was scared at first.  But then I was so happy that my boys read my mind - like, ok mom, you want another smoke detector to go off?  Here you go!

This morning, I dropped off donations at the hospital Conner and Benjamin were born at.  We are so blessed to have had an excellent nursing team with us during our stay there.  We also had numerous doctors who did everything they could to prevent the boys being born before 24 weeks, and then when that failed, they did everything they could to do right by the boys and by us.  My sister-in-law, Tim, and I bought preemie clothing for the NICU and bought "Conner giraffes" and "Benjamin puppies" for the Children's hospital.  When I went to drop off the box of donations, I made sure to tell the nurse that the giraffes and puppies were the same ones that we gave our babies in the hospital. We cannot get them many things for Christmas, nor can we celebrate with them the way that we could have had they been brought home. But I am determined to do good in their name, and I hope that every year we can donate to the hospital in their memory.

We donated two of Ben's puppies, two of Conner's giraffes, and two different puppies and two different giraffes

Ben's puppies

Conner's giraffes

On each stuffed animal, I sewed on a blue taggie with stars and moons. I love you to the moon and back, baby boys. 

Preemie clothes given to the NICU

Today also marks 28 weeks for their little sister. As our time without our boys grows longer, our time to meet our little girl grows near. I know it will be a difficult journey to be a mother to angel babies and a mother to living children, but I think that Conner and Benjamin will slowly show me how to do it.

Bonus: FD Christmas party bump!

How far along? 28 weeks.  If she were born today, she would have over a 90% chance of survival.
What's happening with  baby? Baby C is about 2 pounds, 4 ounces (per her ultrasound today) and is almost 15 inches long (estimate from Baby Center).  Her brain is starting to develop folds and is gaining weight quickly. She can dream!
Total weight gain: 13 pounds, although I ate my feelings today so probably more like 15 after dinner
Maternity clothes?  Not really.  I have a pair of maternity leggings that I wear, but they are still big! Luckily, I found a "new" pair of (non-maternity) yoga pants in the back of my closet that I must have bought when I was pregnant with the boys.  They fit perfect and give my belly lots of support!
Stretch marks? Surprisingly no.
Sleep: Up all night to pee, and tired all day (and still peeing)
Miss Anything?  I gave Tim my delivery day wish list last night: sushi, grilled cheese with bacon, California club from Jimmy Johns, and eggs benedict.

Difficulties this week: 

Well, today was the 28 week growth scan.  I admit, I went in optimistic that her head had caught up to the rest of her body.

I could not be more wrong. 

Baby C's head circumference went from the 11th percentile down to the 4th percentile this week.  Her BPD (Biparietal Diameter) improved slightly, from the 4th percentile to the 5th percentile.  But her abdomen was the big news - it went from the 33rd percentile to the 10th percentile.  Baby C now qualifies as having IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction).  This usually happens when the placenta does not implant properly.  Shitty luck, again.

So, the chances of Baby C being a stillborn are increased.  In an effort to catch any problems before something horrible happens, I am being monitored twice a week for NSTs and Biophysical profiles.  If the baby does not perform well on the twice weekly monitoring, she will be delivered early in an effort to save her. 

The good news? She rocked her NST today.  Her baseline HB is 150.  They look for her HB to raise to at least 160 every time she moves, and they want her to do that at least twice while I am being monitored.  She was monitored for about 15 minutes and she moved and her HB raised over FIFTY times.  The nurses kept walking in asking who was making all that noise!  Just this little bundle of energy over here!  

If she continues to do well on her monitoring, we won't have to deliver early.  Maybe she is just small.  But every week she keeps getting smaller and smaller (percentile-wise), and that is raising many red flags.  

Baby girl, hang in there. 


Movement: All the time for me!  Not really for Tim. Poor guy. Everytime he goes to feel her, she freezes.
Food cravings/aversions:  Eat all the sugar! And all the food in general.
Symptoms: Swelling.  Also, yesterday I almost passed out from being dizzy.  Luckily my home health care nurse was there.  I think I was just pushing myself too hard to get stuff done around the house and my body was trying to get me to settle down. I'm also now borderline anemic - they look for levels to be above 10.5 and I am at a 10.8, so onto iron supplements I go!
Looking forward to: My original goal was to still be pregnant on Christmas, which would be 30 weeks.  The more I think about it, my goal is really to get to February 1st (and beyond).  C'mon, February!

Little Munchkin

Breaking radio silence: 26 weeks. Happy Thanksgiving!

Where have I been? Um, nowhere. At home. In my jammies. I've just seriously been busy being the most boring person on earth, so no updates... until today!

We painted the nursery... twice.  And by we, I mean my dad... and then some hired professionals. Long story short, we ended up painting it slightly darker because the first paint colors we chose made me want to vomit (literally - bright colors make my head hurt). Whoopsies.  Never trust me to pick out paint colors.  This always happens. Hundreds of dollars later, it is close to the color that I wanted. Luckily my husband has the patience (and the pockets) to put up with a crazy pregnant woman who cannot make up her mind.

Baby C - bump pictures in the newly painted nursery!  Please ignore the outlet - we are going to replace them.

I went to upload my picture of Conner and Ben at 26 weeks as a comparison... and it took me awhile to realize that I couldn't do that. So here is my picture with the boys the week of Thanksgiving last year. You can see all of Conner and Ben's bump pictures here.

And as a bonus - Tim's 26 week picture. He made sure to tell me that if I used this in my blog, I had to mention that he was purposefuly sticking his stomach out.  He's wearing work clothes to put up the crown molding in the nursery today :)

How far along? 26 weeks
What's happening with  baby? Baby girl can hear much better now, so I should probably knock off the cursing.  She is inhaling and exhaling amnionitic fluid and is growing rapidly - maybe over 1.5 pounds now and 14 inches.
Total weight gain: Up 10... although today is Thanksgiving so I'm sure that number will be much higher tonight.
Maternity clothes?  Surprisingly no.  I even found some size 1 jeans that still fit - granted, they are unzipped and I have to wear a belly band, but hell yeah!
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: None.  I wake up constantly to pee and around 3 or 4 am I usually am up for the day.  I guess Baby C is prepping me for what is to come :)
Miss Anything?  Missing my boys today.  I am most thankful for them.  I probably would have dressed them up as turkeys today.  I would have been that mom.
Best moment this week: Yesterday's ultrasound showed my baby girl puckering up - probably swallowing amniotic fluid, but it looked like she was blowing kisses.  OHMYBANANAS it was adorable.
Difficulties this week:  Well, my worst fears may be kicking me in the ass as of yesterday - my cervix is weakening.  Yesterday, my cervical length showed a 10mm drop (which is HUGE in 6 days).  My OB gave me emergency medication to take at home to stop contractions if I have them. I'm also on some restricted activity.  I go back to the OB on Monday for a repeat cervical check.  I am terrified that any day now, I will go into labor or my cervix will just give without contrations (incompentent cervix).  Baby girl only has a 70% chance of survival this early and the chances of long term issues are very high if she does survive.  I think it's fair to say that I am freaking. the. fuck. out.
Movement: You can see her going from a mile away!
Food cravings/aversions:  I hate almond milk, but I have to drink it since this dairy aversion is back with avengence.
Symptoms: Swelling. Peeing. Growing.
Looking forward to: Christmas.  If I can make it to Christmas, I'll be 30 weeks pregnant.  That is a HUGE milestone!  I'll start to relax if I'm still carrying this bundle on December 25th (and by relax, I mean be slightly less  - like 2% less - worried). At the same time, though, I am dreading Christmas without Conner and Benjamin.  Tim is also at the fire department on Christmas. It will be a bittersweet day.

Look at my little turkey nugget. 

Weekend Review: pumpkin fun!

There isn't much to say about this weekend, plus my brain doesn't want to work today.  It shut off last night and when I woke up this morning, it didn't know how to tell me to get out of bed. So here is my weekend review in pictures!


I had the urge to go baby shopping, so Tim took me.  It turns out that my judgement has completely gone out the window in terms of what the baby needs and what the baby (or rather, mom) wants.

Tim: She doesn't need that. We're going to get so many bibs from other people. 

Me: It's a cupcake. She NEEDS this. 

My mom also bought me a Christmas present that she just couldn't wait to give me, so one of the highlights of my weekend was this very meaningful necklace:

"Love you to the moon and back"

Finally -  yikes, turns out Halloween is right around the corner.  We carved our pumpkins inside and we won't put them out until the 31st so that the squirrels (and other gross rodents) won't get to them. Introducing our pumpkin family!

Tim's fire hydrant

Me and Baby C!

Conner's first pumpkin

Benjamin's first pumpkin

Miranda's pumpkin that she has no interest in. Shocker. 

Our growing family