One year ago

Our pregnancy announcement pictures

One year ago on August 31st, we received the best news we have ever gotten: we were pregnant.  After 23 months of trying to start a family, we were finally blessed. I should have known right away that we were having twins: I took a test early (I simply could not wait for beta) and the test line was stronger than the control line. To commemorate this occasion, we went to Galena and scattered flowers in the Galena river right under the bridge we used to take our pregnancy announcement pictures.

under the bridge where we took pregnancy announcement pictures a year go

Flowers before we scattered them in the river

The arrangement came with three roses, and I couldn't help but think of Conner, Ben, and Baby C

Galena River

Just a few flowers in the river before we threw the rest in

Before we threw the flowers into the river, I told Conner and Benjamin that we loved them.  It was a sunny, beautiful day outside and we were in a good mood.  As we were tossing flowers, I saw two white butterflies playing together before they joined two other butterflies.  For a moment, I thought maybe it was my boys telling me they were there with us.

Tim and I didn't say much.  There was so much to say, but I don't think either of us knew where to start.  It was just as well.  No words can do justice to what I feel and how much I love my sons.  He simply his arm around me and we watched the flowers slowly drift down the river, and we walked away.

Dragon tales and the water is wide

Pirate's sail and lost boys fly

Fish bite moonbeams every night

and I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

My love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out

Superman's in pajamas on the couch

Goodnight moon will find the mouse

and I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

My love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and matchbox cars

God bless dad and thanks for the stars

God hears "amen," wherever we are

and I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

My love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

Daydreams

My mind has been wandering and often thinks of this bittersweet scenario:

I am holding Conner.  We know the boys will go any minute now, and we are desperate to take them all in. I'm staring at his face.

And he cries.

He's crying.  That means he is breathing.  That means his lungs are working.  Oh my God, intubate him.  We can save him.

They bring him into the NICU.  The nurses and doctors marvel at the fact that his lungs are working so well.  His heart is beating. He has a chance to survive.

I am holding Benjamin.  We bring him into the NICU to see his brother.  Benjamin is slipping away.

Then he grabs my finger.  He is moving. We can save him, too.

All because in my daydream, I called my doctor on Tuesday, not Wednesday.  I called on Tuesday when I had the slightest discomfort.  We stopped the labor in time to buy them just a few more days.  Maybe just one more week.

This is dangerous territory that I am in.  It will eat me alive.  The guilt will end up killing me.

The Road to Here

So it's no secret that I love the Dixie Chicks.  Two of the members of the group, Martie and Emily, have gone through infertility and IVF/FET and were very open about their journey to create and expand their families.  The band wrote a song about infertility called "So Hard."  What I love about them is that they took a very controversial subject matter than hardly anyone talks about (especially those going through it) and laid it out for everyone to hear.  They even opened up about how hard it was to see Natalie (the other "chick") get pregnant so easily.  To all of you infertility veterans and newbies out there - I hope this song gives you something to relate to.  I listen to the lyrics and I just think, "finally, a song that says exactly how I feel." And you know, not a song that reminds me of what I do not and cannot have.

Back when we started 

we didn't know how hard it was

Living on nothing

but what the wind would bring to us

Now we've got something

I can imagine fighting for

So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore?

And sometimes I don't have the energy

to prove everybody wrong

And I try my best to be strong

but you know it's so hard

It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy

It's so hard when it doesn't come fast

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy

It's so hard

It felt like a given

something a woman's born to do

A natural ambition

to see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty

if that was a gift I couldn't give

And could you be happy

if life wasn't how we pictured it?

And sometimes I just want to wait it out

to prove everybody wrong

And I need your help to move on

cause you know it's so hard

It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy

It's so hard when it doesn't come fast

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy

So hard

I can live for the moment

when all the clouds open up for me to see

and show me a vision

of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me

that you can't remember

how to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy

It's so hard when it doesn't come fast

Why Fish Bite Moonbeams?

via pinterest

So, some of you might be wondering what the title Fish Bite Moonbeams is about.  When I was planning the boys' memorial, I wanted a song played.  I didn't want songs that are normally played at memorials or funerals, like "Amazing Grace."  Um, no, we were not going to refer to my baby boys as "wretches," thanks. Years ago, I played the song "Godspeed, Sweet Dreams" by the Dixie Chicks to my husband.  I had told him that I loved this song, and I couldn't quite pinpoint why.  He remembers me playing this song for him. Fast forward to January 2014, and I was searching and searching for songs for the boys' memorial.  I only wanted ONE song; almost like a trademark for them.  This one was perfect.  I cried when I thought of it, and played it again for Tim (who cried as soon as it started playing).  It was Conner and Benjamin's song.  I imagined I would have played it to them as a lullaby if I had been able to bring them home.  I told Tim's dad about it and asked him if his church band would play it for the memorial.  He said he was so emotional when he heard the song, and had to listen to it over and over again so that he would get used to it and be able to play it for everyone.

Radney Foster wrote this song for his young son, whom he lost in a custody battle when his ex-wife decided to move to France with her new husband.  Desperate to give his son something to listen to at night, he recorded this song for him.  The Dixie Chicks heard it, and loved it.

There is a line in the song that sings, "Fish bite moonbeams every night, and I love you."  Tim had no idea what that meant.  I imagined little boys eating their dinner - fish sticks shaped into moons.  Tim actually loved fish sticks when he was little (which I still give him a hard time over - that is NOT real fish).  But the thought of little boys eating these moon-shaped fish bites was so adorable to  me.  And so... Fish Bite Moonbeams.

"Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)"

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"

Pirate's sail and lost boys fly

Fish bite moonbeams every night

And I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out

Superman's in pajamas on the couch

Goodnight moon, will find the mouse

And I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars

God bless dad and thanks for the stars

God hears "Amen," wherever we are

And I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings

Godspeed

Godspeed

Godspeed

Sweet dreams