Because 1 in 8 is someone you know

Yesterday marked the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week.   As many of you know, I haven't been open about my infertility.  I am the kind of person who gets overwhelmed easily, and I knew that being open about our experience in expanding our family would garner criticism, questions, and judgement.  I would love to say that we would have a ton of support from our friends and family.  I have no doubt that some of them would be there for us, but to be honest, I'm not sure who it would be.  I have a ton of reasons for why I haven't shared my PCOS/Anovulation, including, but not limited to:

1. Judgement. All of my friends and family are super, super fertile.  I'm talking the kind of people who get knocked up on accident, over and over and over again.  I was once told, right after I got married, that having babies right away in my husband's family was just how they did things.  It just happens.  And I believe they expected that from me.  To those who don't understand infertility, it is easy to judge people for using IVF.  They still think of these babies as "test-tube babies."  It is something out of science fiction for them.  I have already had a few people (who do know of my infertility status) ask me why I haven't tried more natural remedies to get pregnant.  Or they tell me to just relax.  Just have more sex.  Just don't think about it, and it will happen.  Does this also work for heart disease? Because I wasn't aware that you could just make a disorder/disease go away by relaxing.  
2. Religion.  I am Catholic, although I have been attending my husband's Lutheran church since my boys were born.  Decades ago, eight big-name Catholics came together to decide if ART/IVF was ethical according to the Catholic Canon.  Seven of them said yes, one of them said no.  Because there was one dissenter, the official status of the Catholic church is that IVF is a big no-no.  They say that babies have the right to be made in love.  I assure you, Catholics everywhere, that my babies were made in love regardless of the fact that no actual love-making occurred.  Every time I took a needle to my belly,  every time I missed work for a doctors appointment, every tear I shed over infertility - that was all in love.  
3. Questions.  I don't want to answer them - not about my cycle, our next steps, how everything works, how much it costs, what I am planning to do, etc.  No. I just can't.  Questions are not a form of support.  They feel like a form of attack.  
4. Gossip. Once the cat is out of the bag, people will talk about it among themselves.  That poor Krystal, they'll say.  She went through all that and lost her babies.  Now she has to go through it again. And suddenly I'm part of their dinner conversations.  I'm the reason why they become thankful that they are not infertile.  "Better her than me."  
5. Insensitive comments. Maybe you're not meant to be a mother.  Maybe it's just not your time.  Maybe you should adopt instead.  I can hear the comments coming already. 
6. Failure to see my babies for what they really are: miracles. This may be my biggest reason for not telling many people.  I do not want them looking at my little Benjamin and little Conner and thinking, "wow, science babies."  NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.  THEY ARE JUST BABIES.  LITTLE MIRACLES.  In fact, given our struggles, bigger miracles than any other.  

But then I realized that I may actually be part of the problem.  Maybe people judge, question, gossip, etc. because they don't realize that infertility is a disorder.  We have the right to seek medical treatment just like someone who has a disease has the right to seek treatment.  There is a stigma that women who can't conceive naturally are not really women, or that this is God's way of saying that they are not meant to be mothers.  If someone has cancer, is that God's way of saying they should die? No, that is outrageous.  Maybe, if people were more open about this, myself included, it wouldn't be such a big deal to share all of this.

I definitely have some things to think about this week.  I am not committing myself to NIAW just yet, but I am thinking about stepping forward.  In the meantime, below are some links for infertility awareness:

25 Things to Say and Not Say to Someone Living with Infertility

Ten Things to Stop Doing to Support Someone with Infertility

Infertility Etiquette

A big thank you to Chickin for the resources and bringing this movement to my attention!