Easter and a C-Section

Bet you never thought you would hear those two phrases together.

Yesterday was Easter.  I had full intentions on trying to celebrate with my family.  Tim was at the fire department, so I also planned on seeing him.  I took Miranda for a walk, like we do every day.  People were all over the neighborhood, their children strewn about their front lawns in their Sunday best.  Families were piling into their cars, probably off to church or an Easter party. These people were like an eclipse - I tried not to look directly at them.

Then someone said "Happy Easter" to me.  "You, too," I replied.  Then I burst into tears as I walked my dog the remainder of the way home.

I went to visit Tim at the fire department.  Coincidentally, yesterday was his last day there until June.  He had been able to take his vacation time/paid days off all together in preparation for Ben and Conner coming home this month.  It was nice to see him.  It was a small amount of relief during a very long day.  I decided not to go to my in-laws house, since I did not want to see a bunch of kids running around reminding me that mine couldn't be there as well.  I couldn't bear to see the swarms of children running around searching for Easter eggs.  So my sister in law came to bring me Easter dinner last night, along with an Easter basket filled with books for Conner and Benjamin.  Much to Miranda's delight, she also received a brand new pink rubber ducky and some treats.  She brought her duck to bed last night, already so in love with it.

Miranda and her new BFF

Conner and Ben's new bunny, next to their palm leaves

Today marks what probably would have been their c-section date.  Today marks 37 weeks pregnant.  I'm not super attached to this date, since there was a 90% chance I wouldn't have made it to 37 weeks and would have delivered between 34-36 instead.  But nonetheless, I find myself doubting my upcoming FET, doubting myself as a person, and worst of all doubting myself as a mother.  I feel so empty and useless.  I am home all. the. time.  I was supposed to be a SAHM.  Last night I had a dream that my husband called me pathetic, because all I do is stay at home in my grief.  Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well.

Mommy loves you, Benjamin and Conner.  I'm so sorry we are not together.