About a week or so before Conner and Benjamin were born, I told Tim that if he poked them, they would kick him back. Whenever they were moving and kicking away, I always tried to get Tim to feel it. But as soon as he would place his hand on my belly, the boys would stop moving. They were making me out to be a liar. Halfway through my pregnancy, I already sounded like I was insane. But one night, we were laying in bed, the sound of the television in the background. My shirt was up a bit, uncovering my belly. I told Tim to press on my belly a little, gently.
*poke*
...KICK
*poke*
...KICK
*poke*
...KICK
"See?" I told him.
"Hey buddies...." Tim said, incredulous and proud. He was all smiles, staring at my belly, when he went to go at it again.
I'm pretty sure I stopped him here and told him that was good enough for tonight.
When the boys were born, the nurse got their footprints and put them in their memory boxes. Seriously, how awful is it that when she came in to help the doctor deliver, she already had these memory boxes ready? I knew it was good she was prepared but I cannot wrap my head around getting geared up for infant death. We got their footprints in our Bibles and in two little baby Bibles as well. These little feet... these feet that used to kick me, the feet that Tim and I had imagined playing soccer and skating in hockey... they are now just ink in our Bibles.
Conner's feet imprints in his baby Bible
Benjamin's feet getting pressed into Tim's Bible
Conner's toes overlapped a little bit, like mine do (yes, my husband makes fun of my toes all the time. I just say that my toes like each other a lot). Ben's feet were wide, like Tim's (who, when going shoe shopping, gets wide shoes and they are still tight). It is unbelievable to think they already showed these traits.
The conversation has come up on whether we should try to have another baby. I am distraught over thinking of a different baby, kicking me and squirming around inside my belly. Will this baby do somersaults like Conner and Ben? Will I love this baby as much as I love my boys? I keep thinking that I'll look at a new baby, disappointed that he or she is not Conner or Ben. I don't even feel like I can be the mother I want to be to a new baby, because I don't want a third baby... I want my boys.
Tiny feet. Big footprints.
I am coming over here from Mel's LFCA. I am so sorry to hear about your Connor and Benjamin. I know nothing anyone says can make you feel better or will bring them back.
ReplyDeleteI used to blog, I had SEVERAL losses. I lost a baby at 20 weeks in 2011 and then got pregnant unassisted right after that with twin boys (that actually made it to 36 w and were born healthy). My infertility and loss history was quite a rollercoaster.
I will keep my fingers crossed for you and your husband that something positive happens for you two. What an amazing momma you were (and continue to be) to your boys.
Thank you. I am so sorry to hear about your losses as well, and I'm glad that you were blessed with healthy babies. Adorable picture, by the way.
DeleteYou're boys are beautiful. I read your infertility story, having PCOS myself, I'm always eager to follow other bloggers with the same. I simply wish your blog were about parenting rather than loss.
ReplyDeletePraying for you. I know how much you are struggling right now. It's 11:15pm here in Texas and I was starving! So I got up to have a bowl of cereal and decided to read through the blogs I follow. I'm sure glad I did, because God knew you needed prayer and I am here praying for you. Praying for comfort, peace, and understanding. I pray God takes away your fear of being pregnant again. I've been there. I've felt those exact feelings when I became pregnant after our loss. I was convinced I was losing our sweet girl from weeks 6-10, but here I am at 22 weeks awake right now because she won't stop kicking me. You will feel those kicks again soon. I know God will give you the strength to do it again because you are meant to be a mom. Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Ashley.
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