Airports, churches, and hospitals

via imgur

I've spent plenty of time in airports, many Sunday mornings (and occasional Saturday evening) at church, and more time that I would like in hospitals.  We would like all of these places to be catalysts, something that causes change within us and hopefully for the better.

Airports.  I've spent many hours sitting in them, unopened magazine in my lap with my head rested on my husband's shoulders, waiting for the damn plane to board.  How do we always end up in seating group 4? And I swear we are always sitting at the wing of the plane.  My husband hates airports.  They are boring, as he says, and he would rather drive a scenic route somewhere to get where we are going.  But as much as I hate waiting to board, airports are exciting to me.  They start some kind of journey to go somewhere, relax, explore, and come home with a little less weight on your shoulders.  Even the flight home, as tiresome as it may be, starts our journey to get back to the most comforting place we have.  People are reunited in airports.  People are separate in airports. Airport terminals all gathering places of the happy and the sad, the weak and the strong, the excited and the mourning.

Wedding halls. The whole road less traveled of infertility has me very aware of people who are having babies "on accident" and getting married because "it is the right thing to do."  It makes me question logic itself, because logic says that people who love each other and who want babies will bring babies home and those who are not prepared and who do not ask for babies will not get them.  What kind of sick world gives babies to people who didn't want them and to couples who aren't even committed to each other, much less each other's offspring?

This world.

Don't get me wrong.  People have surprise babies and end up wonderful parents.  People are single parents and raise their children with wonderful unbringings.  But then people who don't deserve babies are given babies, every day, every hour, every second of our existence.  My husband and I were married, in sincerity, and were prepared to bring Conner and Ben home.

We all know how this ends.

Hospitals. I wish I could say I prayed while I was in the hospital with Conner and Ben.  I think I did.  But I was in complete and total denial that anything was happening to me or my boys.  It wasn't until our Pastor arrived that we prayed.  Thank God he came.  I was struggling to talk to God while I was there, because I couldn't believe He put me there in the first place.  Why, God, why?  I know the heaviness of my heart made my prayers more sincere in that hospital than any other place or time in my life.

Church.  I still can't get myself to sit through a whole service.  I leave crying in the middle of church, every week. I can barely get myself to pray while I am there.  What is the point?  Will God even answer my prayers?  I do pray every night for my boys, and only for them.  I never pray for myself anymore.  Priorities change after you have babies, especially when you  hand those babies over to God in heaven.

Its time to read to Conner and Benjamin.  Bible time and bedtime books.  I hope they hear me.