Infant Loss Awareness Month: capture your grief, day 1

Carly Marie at Project Heal  is holding a "capture your grief" event in which baby loss mothers take a new photo (or use an old one) everyday with a certain theme in honor of Infant Loss Awareness Month.  I struggled on whether or not I would do this.  I'm no photographer, but Tim did buy me a "mommy camera" for Christmas last year and so it seemed like a good idea to take part in this worldwide event (albeit privately through my blog).

Today's theme is "sunrise." From Carly Marie:

Day 1: SUNRISE. Let us honour the beginning of this healing month by waking up early to watch the sunrise wherever we in the world. This will be a beautifully, poignant way for us all to feel connected and energized for the month ahead. When you go outside to watch the sunrise this morning, don’t just snap a picture and upload it right there on the stop. Take some time to breathe the sunrise in. Make yourself a nice cup of tea and sit down to breathe in the fresh air, the scent of the new morning and all of the colours and sounds. Spend some time reflecting upon your children and your journey so far. Give yourself some time to feel at peace. If there is no visible sunrise in your part of the world because of the weather, don’t be upset, this is life and nature, and it really doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you take the time out of your day to be with us all in spirit. Take a photo of your surroundings, no matter what the weather is like. If you share your photo online make sure you write what State/Country you are in and the time of the sunrise. So google the sunrise time in your part of the world and set your alarm. Send some love out to everyone else in the world who is grieving the death of a child and remember those gone before us who were made to grieve in silence. We honour these people too.


Unfortunately, this sick mama couldn't get out of bed this morning so today I will be using a picture that I took on a vacation in February of 2013 to the Caribbean.  Tim and I called it our "babymoon" - our last big trip before we jumped into the world of fertility treatments.

During our babymoon, I kept thinking that the next time we went on a cruise we would be toting our new baby around, showing him/her places so beautiful that most people never get the privilege of seeing them.  I couldn't wait to see our kids dip their toes in the ocean, knowing that those waters have touched countries all over the world.  

What a bittersweet journey we have been on.  I am so grateful for my boys, and because of them I am able to see life through new eyes and a new heart.  I live everyday for them, and everyday without them.  It is the paradox of being a mother who last held her babies almost 9 months ago.

I do feel bad that I didn't get up early this morning and see the sunrise and take the time to think about my boys.  But today, in honor of the first day of Infant Loss Awareness Month, I drove out to the library in my hometown and made a donation in honor of Conner and Benjamin.  The library will be purchasing children's books and placing a name plate in each book in memory of the boys.

Let the world never forget that there are parents everywhere whose children reside in their hearts and not their homes.  We are not an anomaly.  We are not alone.  I hope that that world begins to recognize us for all the children that we have and love, and not just the children that they can see.