Weekend Review and Capture Your Grief catch up

This weekend was Tim's 28th birthday (so old, right?).  He was at the FD that day, so I just stopped by with this amazing pastry tray.  Said it would feed 20-30.  It fed four firefighters and one pregnant girl. Whoops. Guess I dropped the ball on that one, huh?  I had a jacket, new shirt, and new shoes waiting for him in my closet and I finally got to get rid of them. We also got the worst massages ever, but how was I suppossed to know they would suck?  I really need to step up my game next year.  I suck!  

We went to the pumpkin patch to get our boys' first pumpkins.  I always imagined bringing my twins to this pumpkin patch, somewhere Tim and I have been going annually since our first year living together. I imagined them sitting in the wagon, climbing on top of pumpkins, and picking them out. Conner and Ben couldn't do that, so we did it for them.  It was a bittersweet day. 

New birthday jacket!

Conner and Ben's pumpkins!  We tried to get matching ones.

Baby C's first pumpkin.  Stay tuned to see how I decorate it!

Can't forget Capture Your Grief catch up!  Love to my baby boys. 
Day 16: Retreat

I took a non-traditional approach to this topic.  I find comfort and peace when I travel with my husband, but no ordinary person can just hop on a plane every day. My retreat that I can turn to consistently is my blog.  It is my outlet, my diary, and my journey.  It has given me support and gifts that I never could have imagined.  Thank you all for being a part of it.

Day 17: Explore

Can grief and healing co-exist?  I think they must.  The grief of losing a child, or in my case, children, never dissipates. It never ceases.  There is no break from it.  But I find ways to honor Conner and Benjamin's lives, and it helps me to heal.  Just because I am striving to live my life to the fullest does not mean that my life will ever be full.  One of my life goals is to travel the world, a little at a time.  We have started taking bits and pieces of our journeys home with us for the boys, starting with sand and seashells from California and Bermuda.  What we see, they see,  What we experience, they experience.  They are always with us.


Day 18: Gratitude

It seems odd to consider myself lucky.  But I am lucky.  We had time with our sons.  We have pictures. We have footprints.  We have hats, blankets, and other carefully chosen items placed in their memory boxes. They were baptized.  Our parents got to say goodbye to their grandchildren. Everyday, I am grateful for what I had with them.  God chose me to be their mother.  No one else could love those boys like I do.  Two hours with them is worth more to me than a lifetime with another baby.  I am blessed.  I am thankful.  I have gratitude that they are now in the kingdom of Heaven.

Day 19: Give

Ben's puppy and Conner's giraffe, during one of the first and only times I was able to leave my hospital bed. 

What have we done for others in memory of our boys?  Donated to the NICU.  Led a family team in the March for Babies, bringing in over $12,000.  I find myself desperate to help other premature babies, simply because I could not help my own.  This Christmas, together with our families, we are donating outfits to our hospital's NICU and donating stuffed giraffes and puppies to the children's hospital in honor of Conner and Benjamin.  Their lives were short, too short.  But they will continue to make a difference in the lives of others.  My babies - my inspiration.