Capture your grief day 2 and the worst ultrasound ever.

How far along? 18 weeks.  I can't decide if time is flying by or going way too slow.
What's happening with  baby?  Baby is 5.5 inches long, about the size of a bell pepper (mmm, stuffed peppers...).  Myelin is forming around baby's nerves.  Ears are almost at their final positions and baby can detect light.  Finger and toe prints are forming!  Baby's heart is pumping 25 to 30 quarts of blood a day.
Total weight gain: A whopping 4 pounds.  2 pounds in one week.  Whoops.  I might have overdone it.
Maternity clothes?  Not yet... but soon.  Very soon.  Like maybe tomorrow. Or this evening.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: Going through like a roll of toilet paper a night from night pees.
Miss Anything?  Eating peanut butter without getting heart burn. This is new. Even so, I am eating peanut butter right now.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: My pregnancy with the twins was much easier.. this time... see below on "difficulties"
Emotions:  Pissed off to high hell.  I can't even think right now. See below.
Difficulties this week:  This section is slowly changing to a description of my OB appointments.  Went in today.  Cervix lost 6 mm in one week.  No funneling, which is good.  But they found "sludge" by my cervix (tons of discharge).  I take a z-pack for five days to see if that helps.  Go in next week.  If cervix has lost any more length, I go to my MFM for a late cerclage.  This is incredibly risky so late in the pregnancy - it can trigger contractions, or cause an infection (which will cause me to go into labor), or even break my membranes (causing me to go into labor).   But we might not have a choice. I knew this was a possibility.  It's bad enough that my OB hopes we make it to 28 weeks, but that is not certain (28. Who wishes for 28?).  The only hope I have is from a patient my OB told me about - she came in last week with a shortening of her cervix, funneling (yikes), and "sludge."  Took a z pack for 5 days.  Came back the week after, and she had gained all her length back, the funneling was gone, and so was the sludge.  That can be me, right?  Probably not. My track record isn't great so far.
Movement:  Mostly at night.  We have a party animal on our hands.
Food cravings/aversions: 

Symptoms: Just my evolving bump!
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Moody, but that could be because I've been sick for 6 days. And the whole awful ultrasound today.There's not much that is safe for pregnant women to take, so I've been relying on head rubs from my husband and our humidifier.
Looking forward to: Not sure anymore.  I was going to say my 20 week anatomy scan, but we might not make it to 20 weeks.

And of course, can't forget about my two angel babies

Today is day 2 of Capture Your Grief.  From Carly Marie:

Day 2: HEART. Last year, I asked people to post photos of their children on one of the days. Of course with me not giving this enough thought, this excluded all of the people who did not have photos of their children. So this year I wanted to do something that everyone could take part in, regardless of whether or not they have photographs. Today’s subject is inspired by the poem “I Carry Your Heart” by E.E. Cummings. Let’s flood the world with a sea of hearts in honour of all the children that we are dedicating this project to. Who are you carrying in your heart? Draw a heart to represent your own heart and write your children’s names in the center of your heart. If you did not name your children, just draw the number of hearts that you need to represent each life that you have carried. You do not need to be creative to do this, just a simple hand drawn heart will be perfect. You may want to write a little about your children’s stories. Who they are to you and what your hopes and dreams were for them. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. I look forward to seeing all of your beautiful hearts and reading more about your darling children.

I leave my heart open to my boys every day.  I am open to anything and everything that they want to show me.  I told them in the hospital that if they ever needed anything to just let me know and I would die trying to help them.  I am their mama, always.  

My heart is full.  My heart is empty.  My heart never knew love until my babies were placed in my arms. My heart is waiting for the day I see them again. 

I still carry you.

Love you boys - to the moon and back.