21 weeks and I am freaking. out.

Loose fit pants feel so. damn. good. 

How far along? 21 weeks
What's happening with  baby?  Baby girl is about 10.5 inches long and is about the size of a carrot.  Hair is beginning to form, baby is digesting amniotic fluid, and bone marrow is making blood cells.
Total weight gain: Depends.. my scale says I've gained 6 pounds total.  I have no idea what is going on at my doctors office, because I dont remember what my initial weight was on their scale.  I think their scale says I gained a couple pounds more - so maybe 8.
Maternity clothes?  Surprisingly, no.  But I need to get on that soon so I don't stretch out my pre-pregnancy clothes!
Stretch marks? Nada
Sleep: Baby girl likes to keep me awake by playing Dance Dance Revolution.
Miss Anything?  Tequila.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: Baby C is head down now, much like Baby B (Ben).  I think she is more active than the boys were, but it could be my mind playing tricks on me.
Best moment this week:  Seeing baby girl in 3d!  Well, kinda.  Ultrasound tech switched to 3d and baby C had her arm in front of her face, so we didn't get a good look.  Maybe next week?
Difficulties this week:  We are quickly approaching the 22.5 week mark when I gave birth to Conner and Benjamin.  I didn't anticipate that it would be this difficult.  Suddenly, everything I'm feeling feels like I could go into labor at any minute.  I stay up at night, thinking I'll miss contractions.  I google everything.  I am constantly trying to get her moving on video, so that I can have these precious moments saved just in case I lose her, too.
Movement:  We need to sign her up for a LOT of sports.
Food cravings/aversions:  Threw up pizza on Tuesday.  Turns out, my lactose intolerance is here to stay for this pregnancy.
Symptoms: See above.  No more dairy for this mama until baby girl is born.  I already have a list of foods I would like immediately delivered to my room after I give birth.
Looking forward to: Getting past 22 weeks.  If I can.

They grow up so fast, don't they? 

As for my Capture Your Grief catch-up (days 20-23), I'm cheating a little bit.  Well, not really.  Part of the challenge is that there are no rules - you don't have to participate every day. The other day, I realized how limited I was when someone gave me a topic to write about.  Sometimes my mind just keep running with thoughts about my boys and those are the thoughts - the free ones - that affect me the most in terms of my "healing" process.

I opened the door to their nursery and took the time to look around, much like I always do.  Like many times before, I stared at the wide open space on their nursery floor.  In my head, two little boys were learning how to sit up.  They were laughing at each other and trying to reach out to touch each other, excited by the fact that they could sit unassisted.  They tried to talk to each other, but instead only baby bubbles came out.  They were happy in this simplicity.

I do the same thing when my husband and I sit in our family room in the evening, channel surfing.  I stare at the open floor by the bookcase, near the stairs.  I imagine two little boys, sometimes in their bouncers, sometimes in walkers, sometimes sitting up.  I imagine them trying to walk.  No matter what the scenario, they are always laughing -with each other and at each other. They try to take toys away from each other.  They giggle when they are successful.  One cries and the other looks at his brother curiously.  What's wrong, brother?  Here, take my pacifier.

Every time I do this - at least a few times a week, sometimes daily - I have to hold back tears.  I can barely even write all of this down without wanting to cry. Today someone congratulated me on our baby girl and told me "everything happens for a reason."  Let's get one thing straight.  My boys did not die for this.  There was no good reason for them to go so soon.  People think well, you wouldn't be having her unless you lost them.  Well, who says?  Why couldn't I have had all three?  All of a sudden, everyone is God's secretary and they know what He is up to.

I love my baby girl.  I love my baby boys.  I hope she comes home with us, but if she does, it won't make everything okay again.  My life may be happy, but my life will never be full.