Weekend Review and hello little froggy!

My weekend was wonderfully boring, which I love.  Tim had a bachelor party to go to on Saturday and I was feeling incredibly nauseous, so I took up residence on my couch and snuggled in with some fruit for dinner.  Later that night, I mentioned that I wanted a plain hamburger from McDonald's and low and behold, my husband came home early at 11:45 with a bag of McDonald's for me.  He snuggled in with me in bed instead of going to the next bar with the boys.  "What better way to spend a Saturday night than in bed with my wife?" he asked.  If that's not commitment, I don't know what is.

My Saturday night

As soon as I turned 8 weeks, I noticed that the pregnancy symptoms I had with Conner and Benjamin around 5 or 6 weeks were starting to manifest.  I'm not as nauseous as I was with them, but I'm definitely sticking to bland food now.  Pregnancy acne isn't awful, but I'm starting to notice it.  And the weirdest symptom I have ever had appeared over the weekend - my eyes hurt in the shower.  I can't even explain it... when I was pregnant with the boys, my eyes were sensitive when water hit my eyelids.  I was showering on Sunday and the same thing happened.  It was deja vu, but also weirdly soothing because I knew that any pregnancy symptom I had indicated that Baby C was still there.

On Sunday, Tim taught my niece how to properly kick a soccer ball and after ten minutes, she was a pro. I got to talk to my dad about my grandfather passing, which gave me a little peace. The rest of the day was spent couch surfing and contemplating what to have for dinner (salmon, rice, and veggies for me and Baby C, pasta and chicken for him).

Today I had my first ultrasound with my OB.  The ultrasound tech offered her sympathies about the boys.  I told her what happened and she was in shock.  She remembered my last ultrasound, saying that my uterus was high and closed and the boys were absolutely perfect. Lady, you have no idea how perfect.  I was almost in tears, but I was so glad that she wanted to talk about them.

And then little blobby was on the screen, with a perfect heart rate of 176 bpm.  Little blobby now looks like a flattened frog, so we are now calling him/her little froggy. The relief I felt when I saw that heartbeat is indescribable.  As soon as I heard it, I knew it was faster than last time.  Little froggy is squirming away and looks perfectly happy in its little squishy world.

A nurse I have never seen before took my history before the OB came in.  She asked me if this was my first pregnancy.  No, it wasn't.  It was my second pregnancy.  Did I having children at home?  No, I do not have children at home.  Were the boys a miscarriage or an abortion?

Fuck you, lady.  Read my chart. 

I was playing with my wedding rings and my ring I got for Mother's Day.  I didn't know how to respond to her.  Were those my only options?  They died, I said.  They were premature.  Oh.  How many weeks?  22.5 weeks.  Were they twins?  What gender were they?  How much did they weigh?

Cheese and rice.  She must be illiterate. 

Walking out the door, she poked her head back in the room and asked me if this was a singleton this time.  Yes.  She winked at me and said, "good."  GET OUT. 

I've never been so happy to have a nurse leave the room before.  My OB and I discussed a possible cerclage.  Ultimately, it is my decision.  We don't know if I need one, and placing one in if I don't need one is very risky (including a higher risk of infection, which is scary after losing babies to Chorioamnionitis).  But if I do need one... well, I better get one.  The big issue is that I had no symptoms of an incompetent cervix at all, but chorio and cervical incompetence often (but not always) coexist.  My MFM is also leaving this up to me.  I would go on and on about the pros and cons of the cerclage, but truth be told I am sick of thinking about it. I've been thinking about it since January and there are still no clear answers.  The few people I mentioned it to all seem to have opinions that I am not interested in, because they are neither doctors nor have they ever been in my position.  When did people start thinking they were qualified to give medical advice on things that they have never experienced themselves? And really, who wants to give medical advice?  I sure as hell don't.  I don't want that kind of responsibility.  Yet here I am... with a huge choice to make.  I have a little time to decide what to do.  Until then, I am hoping God gives me guidance on this.  Actually, I'm hoping he sends me a signed letter on what to do with this one.  I think it's incredibly unfair that I have to be in this position in the first place. My boys should be alive. Baby C should be waiting until next spring for a transfer and a safe pregnancy. 

Tomorrow I get my culture results.  We think the infection is back.  I'm trying my hardest to protect little froggy but this is proving itself to be very difficult.  

Can it be Saturday night again?