Baseline

Welp, baseline was yesterday.  You should have seen that ultrasound.  They aren't kidding when they say that your uterus stretches after you've had a baby.  I remember seeing my uterus before I was pregnant, and it was this slim, straight line.  I saw it yesterday and almost started scanning the premises for a baby.  Why the hell was it so big?  Oh yeah, because I had twins.  Regardless, everything came back looking good and I started the dreaded Estrace and Ganirelix yesterday.  Those doses of estrogen make me nauseous and actually quite tired (this happened during my fresh cycle last year, too).  Isn't that weird?  It's like all these extra girly hormones are exhausting me.  Ok, I guess that's not weird.  Now that I've put it that way, it makes complete sense.  Ganirelix is notoriously known for having the dullest needles known to IVF and loves to sting it's host even after the needle has been removed. Aw, I think I'm going to hop on the vomit comet just thinking about it.

After canceling two cycles in a row, I thought I would be excited to finally be started meds.  Embryo transfer is in two weeks and I thought this would be something I would be looking forward to.  I'm so naive (read: I'm stupid). Honestly the only thing I feel like right now is DUMB.  What the fuck was I thinking?  I don't want another baby.  I want Conner.  I want Benjamin.  I want to NOT be doing this cycle until the spring of 2015, which was the plan had I been able to bring my babies home.  I feel guilty for even doing this.  I'm a bad mama.  I don't even have high hopes for this cycle, and quite frankly, neither does my RE since we are being advised to only transfer one embryo.  If I get a negative pregnancy test, I'll be relieved, depressed, and drained all at the same time.  If I get a positive test, I'll be scared, anxious, and maybe just a little happy.

Maybe.  But maybe I'll feel even more guilt. Is this really the right thing? Or am I just subjecting another baby to a potentially volatile environment?  If I lose another, it will destroy me.  If I get to bring a baby home, I don't even know if I'll be the kind of mother he or she deserves.  I'm jaded after my loss.

Hey universe, a little slack would be nice.

Your gift bag for attending my pity party.