15 weeks

How far along? 15 weeks!  Although, all last week I kept thinking I was 15 weeks so this pregnancy is dragging!
What's happening with  baby?  Baby is about 4 inches and is about the size of an apple.  S/he can sense light and his/her taste buds are beginning to form.  Lanugo might be developing now as well.
Total weight gain: OB scale said two pounds today, but this tends to change on a day to day basis.
Maternity clothes?  Not exactly.  I finally found my belly band a few days ago.  I told myself I'd buy a new one for this pregnancy and put my old one away from when I was pregnant with the twins, but it seemed right to use this one.  I like being reminded of the boys.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I've turned into a night owl - falling asleep around 1 am and getting up around 9 am.  I need to knock it off!  But I don't need to nap anymore which is SO GREAT.
Best moment this week:  You can't really tell, but my belly is starting to pop.  I can feel my uterus - it's hard just like it was with the twins. Having a little tiny bump makes me feel closer to this pregnancy.  It's something tangible to hang on to.
Miss Anything?  Ben. Conner. Always.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: Not much, actually.  Symptoms are about the same as it was with them at 15 weeks.  Belly is just as big... not sure what to make of that, lol.
Emotions:  I had my first breakdown over the weekend over something really small.  Then Tim took me shopping and it was all better, lol.
Difficulties this week:  Had to go to the OB without the hubby.  I don't want him to go every week with me, because taking that time off of work is difficult.  But I hate going into the ultrasound without him... I'm afraid I'll get bad news and I'll be all alone.
Movement:  Baby C is moving away!  I told the little nugget that s/he better be moving for me today in the ultrasound.  Then I had a birthday cupcake from yesterday, went to the OB, and there s/he was, jiggling and dancing.  S/he is in a totally different position than last week, which made me feel better.
Food cravings/aversions: None.  I really have no interest in food until its bedtime, which could be another reason why I'm staying up so late - I've been eating at like 9:30 pm.
Symptoms: Um, I need to be in a Noxema commercial.
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Moody now, for sure.
Looking forward to:  GENDER SCAN NEXT WEEK!  I also said that I would be comfortable with a pregnancy announcement after the gender scan, so maybe that is coming up soon, too :)

No longer a mermaid, but looking like s/he is ready for Halloween.  These pictures where the baby is facing the ultrasound wand just crack me up. 

Wishes for Ben and Conner

Two days ago, I ran out to take pictures of the moon for Benjamin and Conner.  I missed the last supermoon (fell asleep), and I kinda missed this one too.  I ran out too late - I should have gotten it at the horizon.  I felt awful about missing it.  But next month there is a blood moon, so maybe I can catch that one.  Seeing the moon always makes me think of my baby boys. I wonder if we are all watching the same moon.

Today is their 8 month birthday. When I told my dad, he was incredulous that the twins were already 8 months old.  I made lemon blueberry cupcakes for them and Tim and I brought them to my parents house and Tim's parents house.  My cousin was visiting, and Tim's sister and her kids made a trip to see us, too. Each cupcake had a candle on it, and everyone made a wish for the boys before they blew out the candle and had the cupcake.

No one shared their wishes out loud, but I could tell everyone was contemplative in what they were wishing.  I had my first two cupcakes by myself at home, and wished the boys were together, happy, safe, and healthy in heaven. My third wish when I was at my parents was that they were having fun mountain biking and playing soccer.  My fourth wish at Tim's parents house (not my cupcake... I was full, so I blew Tim's out) was that the boys were watching us at that moment.

What I really wish is that we were never blowing those candles out in the first place.

I wish my boys were here with us today.

Happy 8 month birthday, baby boys.  A lifetime is forever until I get to hold you again.

Thank you

For everyone reading this.  I know other baby loss moms can understand what it is like to lose friends over such a devastating loss.  They shy away from us because they don't understand, and even more sadly, do not care to understand.  We scare them.  We're bad luck. They say offensive things and are not patient when they realize that we're not over this yet... nor will we ever be.  We find support in unexpected places.  Everyone reading this has posted their support here or sent me private emails, offering prayers and kind words. You will never really know what all of that means to me.  

This morning I received an email from our wedding photographer.  She was riding her bike through the forest where we took one of our engagement shoots (she's photographed us for our wedding like... 4 times?).  She thought of us and wanted to let me know she was still praying for us.  

It's been 8 months.  Our pastor told everyone who attended Ben and Conner's memorial never to forget about us, even years from now, because we would still be dealing with our loss. Most have forgotten.  But others haven't.  For all of you, I am grateful.  

Thank you for reading, listening to me ramble, complain, and pour my heart out.  Most of all, thank you for remembering Conner and Benjamin.

Second trimester!

How far along? 14 weeks!
What's happening with  baby?  Baby is the size of a lemon and can squint, frown, suck his/her thumb, and PEE!  Who thought I could be so excited about pee? I also joked today at the ultrasound that the baby's body is catching up to his/her head.  Liver is producing bile and baby is a bit more active.
Total weight gain: The stars have aligned and I'm back to my normal weight.  Turns out everything before was just some major bloat.
Maternity clothes?  Yoga pants today, holler.
Stretch marks? Not yet.
Sleep: Like a baby. Pun intended.
Best moment this week:  Ultrasound today showed NO BLEEDING!  Thank you all for your support and prayers :)  I looked straight at Tim when the ultrasound tech said that and I've never seen someone more relieved in my life.
Miss Anything?  SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM.  We went to get shakes yesterday only for us to realize that I couldn't have it.  Listeria, damn you.
Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point: Going in for ultrasounds with the boys, I was so excited.  With Baby C, I hold my breath until we see the heartbeat.  I always expect the worst.
Emotions:  14 weeks is supposed to be the "safe zone" for many pregnancies.  Many people feel comfortable spreading their pregnancy announcements and buying baby stuff at this point.  Not me.  I lost Conner and Ben in the second trimester, just 10 days shy of "viability," a word I still hate.  If we can get through this second trimester, I will start to calm down a little bit.  This is the scariest period of time for me.
Difficulties this week:  Pregnancy no longer equals baby for me.  I am still struggling to get more excited for the future. I still have not taken home a Babies R Us catalog from the OB. I am also analyzing every little thing, from the fact that our baby's arm is still up in the air like it was last week and the fact that s/he didn't move as much as I wanted.  IS MY BABY NORMAL?!  Yes, I am that mom now.
Movement:  Baby was a bit more active in the ultrasound today and his/her body was jerking around a little bit.  I'll be more relieved when I see more movement.  I remember at this point, the boys were more active in ultrasounds.  I also remember Baby C being more active a couple weeks ago.
Food cravings/aversions: No more ice tea.  In fact, I don't really want much of anything anymore.  I have a taste for nothing, which makes it really hard when meal times come around.
Symptoms: Heartburn. I never had it with Conner and Ben, so this is new for me.  The only time I've ever gotten heartburn is when I drink hard liquor (which I also miss a bit).
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Depends on if I'm hungry or not.
Looking forward to:  Gender scan in two weeks!  Tim still thinks it is a girl and I'm up in the air about it, although lately I've been thinking its a boy.

Also, look who looks more like a baby today and less like a puppy (and still a little like a mermaid):

One year ago

Our pregnancy announcement pictures

One year ago on August 31st, we received the best news we have ever gotten: we were pregnant.  After 23 months of trying to start a family, we were finally blessed. I should have known right away that we were having twins: I took a test early (I simply could not wait for beta) and the test line was stronger than the control line. To commemorate this occasion, we went to Galena and scattered flowers in the Galena river right under the bridge we used to take our pregnancy announcement pictures.

under the bridge where we took pregnancy announcement pictures a year go

Flowers before we scattered them in the river

The arrangement came with three roses, and I couldn't help but think of Conner, Ben, and Baby C

Galena River

Just a few flowers in the river before we threw the rest in

Before we threw the flowers into the river, I told Conner and Benjamin that we loved them.  It was a sunny, beautiful day outside and we were in a good mood.  As we were tossing flowers, I saw two white butterflies playing together before they joined two other butterflies.  For a moment, I thought maybe it was my boys telling me they were there with us.

Tim and I didn't say much.  There was so much to say, but I don't think either of us knew where to start.  It was just as well.  No words can do justice to what I feel and how much I love my sons.  He simply his arm around me and we watched the flowers slowly drift down the river, and we walked away.

Dragon tales and the water is wide

Pirate's sail and lost boys fly

Fish bite moonbeams every night

and I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

My love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out

Superman's in pajamas on the couch

Goodnight moon will find the mouse

and I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

My love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and matchbox cars

God bless dad and thanks for the stars

God hears "amen," wherever we are

and I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

My love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

Baby bump, first day of school, and cake (sounds like a 16 and pregnant episode)

So yesterday, we got some not-so-good news and I kind of went... nuts.  But, Tim reminded me that we have to keep fighting for this baby and so.... here is our 13 week update.  Trying not to let the bad news keep me from celebrating milestones like this. Hopefully we will have many more :)

How far along? 13 weeks

What's happening with  baby? Baby C has fingerprints and is almost 3 inches long!  S/he also weighs a whopping ounce (which of course, does not explain my major bloating this week).  Baby is the size of a tangerine and will grow about 1 inch a week from now on (good for baby, bad for my pants).  Little nugget can suck his/her thumb and smile.   

Total weight gain: I have no idea. Yesterday, I was up a whole pound (and the picture above shows how my belly is slowly getting thicker).  But today I am noticeably thinner, so maybe it was all bloat.  I'm refusing to step on a scale until next week because quite frankly I don't care how much I weigh right now lol.  This baby can get me as fat as it wants. 

Maternity clothes?  Nope, but lately I've been pants-less around the house. 

Stretch marks? Nah.

Sleep: Not well.  My sleep is riddled with anxiety.  Poor little baby. 

Best moment this week:  Tim came home early yesterday to basically wait on me hand and foot after we got the news of the placental bleed, and today he ditched work to bring me lunch (and yell at me for cleaning the house, because I'm not supposed to be doing jack crap right now).  He went back to work after, but I was so happy to see him.  He is just the best husband ever. 

Miss Anything?  Poached eggs.  Breakfast just isn't the same without them. 

Differences between Baby C and Conner and Ben at this point:  I was still super sick with the boys at this point, but my pregnancy with them was a breeze compared to all the issues with this little one.  But I have to remind myself... great pregnancy with them, ended in disaster.  Maybe this will be the exact opposite. 

Emotions:  I feel like I'm giving up.  So many things have already gotten in the way of a healthy pregnancy and I am hanging on to every thread of hope available to me. I have to fight for my baby. 

Difficulties this week:  Definitely yesterday's finding of the placental bleed. I guess I can't really be surprised, given the bleeding I woke up to on Monday. It is expected to resolve itself, but you can't tell a baby loss mom that everything will be okay and expect her to believe it.  We've been robbed of that kind of faith.  And I just have to add here - what happened with Conner and Ben was estimated to be a 1 in 10,000 chance.  I was that ONE.  Statistics mean nothing to me now. 

Movement: Not feeling anything, and little baby wasn't moving in the ultrasound yesterday.  Of course, I almost threw up with anxiety over it. Little babes better be moving next week or mama is going to be worried!

Food cravings/aversions:  Ice tea, ya'll. 

Symptoms: My face has broken out and I look like a teenager.  Also, my boobs are huge.  Well, huge for me, anyway.  Maybe now I can finally move out of training bras.  Haha, kidding.  Or am I?

Labor Signs:  Nope.  Thinking of omitting this question until 20 weeks so you don't all have to read this over and over again.

Happy or Moody most of the time:  Happy when husband is here, moody when he is not. 

Looking forward to:  Um....

And now, of course, Baby C:

Baby had his/her hands up in the air like it was under arrest. You better be staying out of trouble in there!

Haaahahaha remember when I said it's creepy when they face the ultrasound? Look at that little brain! Is it just me, or does s/he kinda look like a puppy...

Tim and I also had some "milestones" this week:  I started my first day of my last grad class and Tim celebrated 4 years at the FD.  Well, it was more like two weeks ago but I forgot so I brought a cake over to him on Wednesday to make up for it.  

Tim was excited to take "baby's first day of school" pictures.  I'm holding a March of Dimes water bottle filled with orange juice to combat the low grade fever I had on Tuesday.  I'm also wearing a long, loose shirt to hide the fact that my jeans are unzipped haaaahahaha.

Tim's favorite   - carrot cake

Congrats Tim!

You've got to be f*cking kidding me

Apologies, kind of.  Swearing abounds.

Today I am 13 weeks pregnant.

Monday, I went to the OB with some minor bleeding that ended up resolving itself.  Baby had a heartbeat in the 160s.

Yesterday, I had a dream that I was bleeding all over the place and couldn't make it stop.  I was having a miscarriage.

Today, during our NT scan, they found a placental bleed.

Well, that is just fucking great, isn't it?  I've been praying to keep this baby safe from infection and incompetent cervix and preterm labor.  I completely fucking forgot to say hey, God, no placental bleeds either, please.

It can fix itself. Or not.

I can still have this baby. Or not.

We were getting ready to tell people about this baby. In 3 weeks, we find out the gender.

But now I'm going to crawl into my hole and hide this, because I'm sick of being the reason why everyone is upset this year. I'm also sick of stupid questions.

For some reason, today I randomly remembered someone asking Tim which one of the boys died first.  Kindly get fucked, you idiot.